When people said that they get 'anxiety attacks' that made them numb I classified it as an 'American disease' and then when they said they take medication for it, I thought, isn't that just fabulous. I am pretty sure I said 'first world problems' in my head. I am so judgey when it comes to medicine/diseases and books/ authors. I have this huge belief in mental strength and I always feel that I will get over anything with just the right dosage of pragmatism, friends, husband, and my general pessimism. Sometimes I test myself by putting me in different horrid scenarios.
But today I don't feel so good. I made the stupid mistake of imagining me in a situation where I have had multiple miscarriages. I was chatting with my aunt -the one with whom I had issues?-- and when I thought of how she went through it all, I felt convinced, no, I am not really that strong as I imagine myself to be.
I think I have just too much time on my hands which makes me go into all unnecessary areas. I keep wondering whats going to happen to me and all I see is chugging chugging, and boom, ten years down and I am nothing. You know that numb feeling at which I had eye rolled? Yeah you can feel numb with panic apparently.
And all these issues with my parents. When the fuck can it end. Its end of my tether and everything that happens around seem like signs that I should heed but the more I try the high road, they bring me down to the lowest levels. and now I have family members involved, people calling each other. I would like to think I am a pretty private person. I intensely dislike having people speak to me about dirty laundry and now I have to respond because I feel goaded into responding and its terrible to have to answer people and feel like you should convince people that you are doing your best. People who have no business in anything. And I don't have a job which might have taken my mind away and I don't have any stories and I don't have anything to look forward to and I just feel angry most of the time, but I don't want to bother A who has his own troubles. I don't have anything right now. And I cry and I feel stupid because i am not crying over anything solid-like if you wanted to console me, there is nothing you can pin point on and solve for me or ask me to solve-- and now I feel silly because I am old enough to know better. What the fuck am I crying over. And I am pretty sure no one gets this because you know, it could have been worse.
This sounds like quite the teenage angst post. Except ''m no lngr a teengr"
But today I don't feel so good. I made the stupid mistake of imagining me in a situation where I have had multiple miscarriages. I was chatting with my aunt -the one with whom I had issues?-- and when I thought of how she went through it all, I felt convinced, no, I am not really that strong as I imagine myself to be.
I think I have just too much time on my hands which makes me go into all unnecessary areas. I keep wondering whats going to happen to me and all I see is chugging chugging, and boom, ten years down and I am nothing. You know that numb feeling at which I had eye rolled? Yeah you can feel numb with panic apparently.
And all these issues with my parents. When the fuck can it end. Its end of my tether and everything that happens around seem like signs that I should heed but the more I try the high road, they bring me down to the lowest levels. and now I have family members involved, people calling each other. I would like to think I am a pretty private person. I intensely dislike having people speak to me about dirty laundry and now I have to respond because I feel goaded into responding and its terrible to have to answer people and feel like you should convince people that you are doing your best. People who have no business in anything. And I don't have a job which might have taken my mind away and I don't have any stories and I don't have anything to look forward to and I just feel angry most of the time, but I don't want to bother A who has his own troubles. I don't have anything right now. And I cry and I feel stupid because i am not crying over anything solid-like if you wanted to console me, there is nothing you can pin point on and solve for me or ask me to solve-- and now I feel silly because I am old enough to know better. What the fuck am I crying over. And I am pretty sure no one gets this because you know, it could have been worse.
This sounds like quite the teenage angst post. Except ''m no lngr a teengr"
