Happy Hols

Well, happy holidays all you non-waddling, non pumpkins.

You know how I was all glowy and pregnancy is great and awesome? Yeah I am done with that. These last few weeks have been so so super tiring. All I want to do is moan. Moan from bed, from couch, from loo, while eating. I think the baby is supposed to have lowered or lightened but I definitely still feel quite breathless, so maybe she hasn't. This whole ' sleeping on the left side' is maha bore. Once I get something into my head, I am constantly aware of it. That didn't make sense. What I mean is throughout the nights I am on alert for right side sleeping/ on my back. On my back is quite impossible anyway. Plus peeing. Oh the glorious never ending peeing. Initially I would feel bad about waking A up who must be super tired himself, but now I don't care.

I have a vagina exam coming up so maybe she can tell me what is going on. The only happy comes from knowing that baby wont be pre-term. I had my worries there what with all babies belonging to friends arriving weeks early and getting stuck in NICU. They all look happy and healthy when they are officially Facebook presented though - all chubby and cute. Looking at their pictures also kind of gives me the calms.

All right, Happy Holidays to all. Over here we are doing Chicago style pizza and Amma's chicken biriyani for christmas festivities. Oh. And its our anniversary tomorrow. We were discussing how it would have been if I had waited for him to finish his phd to get married! There would be no byaby now. But there is- our wriggly squirmy little baby. 

Say Hello

to Dr. A please.
Thank you.

Like my sister said, finally, huh! It actually wasn't that long if you could consider how long other perfectionists take to complete their Phd's. About five years and change. Even though I couldn't go I got to google-hangout and see him for a few minutes before he turned off the camera and then it was just his voice. We had done trial runs together so I knew all the slides and the timing and initially it felt like he was going a bit fast and it would be painful if he finished before the designated one hour. But eventually he settled in. During the trials, he would get breathless and a little muddled but now here he was supremely confident and that tone- the I got this- tone that made me so proud. I just sat and beamed and cursed when Prof.s interrupted to ask questions. Then other folks questioned and that went on for a whole hour and he turned off the voice-device ( ?) too so all I could see was the slides moving. It took one hour and a few minutes before those stopped and then I spend some nervous minutes waiting for him to call and he called and we were done and whoo-hoo! Apparently he loved all the questions!
Then there was the partaay and he had a hangover the next day bad enough to not drive back till mid afternoon & he brought back my Bub's burger and we hugged and discussed it again to death.

The most surprising bit however was when his mum called me to congratulate and I said, oh thanks! And she said, well, we can only pray from here but you did the rest, supporting him and waiting.
I admit I didn't see that one coming which therefore prompted my, oh wow, thank you, that is so sweet of you response which well, resulted in uncomfortable giggles on both ends.

And that is all.

What I miss

This could be a reaaaly long post but I will just make it a quick bullet point of the main stuff.

So my friend send me this link to a German inspired Christmas market that rolls in every year and in the photos everything looked so bright and x-massy but as soon as I opened the first food section it showed a certain- warm, spiced wine- and you get to keep the mug as a souvenir. Somehow this made me very sad. I am sure A would give me his mug but I want to drink my own spiced warm wine and keep my mug.
I have been really okay about drinking though. Once you make peace with the fact that you are not going to and that when you go out with buddies, you are going to be the only one saying, water please, then its all good. And also make peace with the - oh, and what will you have? beer?- jokes.
But maybe because this is the tail end (6 weeks, folks, 6 weeks!) its becoming harder. You know how if someone says, no, you cant have the cold lemonade then all you can think of is the damned lemonade? Or is this just me being infantile? Its something like that.

I miss-miss being sexy/ attractive.
A thinks I am cute now which is fine. I feel very cute, too. But that good feeling from wearing a black dress- heels- a dash of lipstick and hair curly ( okay, no hair) but you get the gist. I like seeing me in the mirror, like a pumpkin, like a basketball. I might have some missing feelings for my belly when its gone but I can't imagine being sexy for a really long time.

Which brings me to- TMI- so go away if you don't want to think of my sex life.
I miss sex! I had a lot of, lotttt of sex dreams usually about women but then a few days ago I had a really good one with A and I woke up irritated/ moody/ annoyed. I know, I know. My friend, M, said she had sex till the very end but I don't imagine I can/ will. I mean I can't even see my toes and I haven't shaved my legs- :/ and also: above point. Having sex with a 'cute' person is really not something I personally would look forward to.

I miss being able to eat what I want. This should really have been the first point. You know how constipation is your soul mate when you are pregnant. And I have a history of digestion related issues but  somehow, just somehow I have managed to avoid the consties. It has to do with the food, I am sure. But there are just so many things I cant even count on my fingers that I would like to eat. Top of the list: curry bratwurst at the stupid market.

A is defending today, in fact in under an hour. I had always dreamt of being there. Initially just coz. I had no idea what he did but once his dissertation was over, he gave it to me to read. It was a tad boring at first but then the more I read and asked questions it became simpler and easier to understand. And now I can actually explain what the husband does! The doc said I could go, and I was about to when last week I got eerily contraction type symptoms and had to be at the hospital where they monitored, IV'd and finally said, nope. I think its the baby getting in position and related pains. Anyway so we decided not to take the chance and I will google-watch it but I so wanted to be there and also for the after partay! I will just make it up during the May graduation ceremony, I suppose but it was so disheartening to send him off alone.

There is ice-skating at Lincoln Park for 5$. Next year.

Days of Abandonment

Misleading title for sure. But its the book I am currently reading by Elena Ferrante which is her pen-name and it is fabulous if tiring in sections and the entire book is basically my most deep rooted but not always acknowledged fear of being left alone eventually. Just me. I don't ever think about this fear unlike other more common place ones because its hard to get myself out of it and sure helps being married to A. So its almost always resting in a safe, deep place and gets triggered only rarely, if ever.
Which is why reading this prompted me to text A with, " If you ever wanted to leave, don't do it like a thief. Just let me know without stepping around it for months/days."
And he said, "But I don't want to leave."
Which is all great, but just in case he did, I think what would make it absolutely *irrecoverable* from is the lying. I think I could get over being left but not being lied to.

What is with the morbidness! Yes?

All right baby talk. Baby is about 10 weeks away which is mind blowing because where did all that time go! I wrote in baby book a bit and therefore neglected the blog and then somehow baby book also has been chucked for a while. Got to start again. We got some initial shopping done-bare bones. Just a few onesies and her changing pad. We should probably get started on the rest.

Still no name for baby except the long list and we figure seeing her face might help. Otherwise I am good and quite hale and hearty. Mum is here. Dad left in a week. Mum admits when she is being over bearing which is amazing by itself and so I don't pick every bone esp considering that this is a favor she is giving me and one that I must respect. It's cold over here but we still manage to get out and about a bit before the actual snow dump begins. I love home, how dark and warm it is in the evenings. I like hearing A's key in the door and his tired but happy face. I like the food mum feeds me. I like my big belly and I love carrying my kiddo. I love how consistent she is with kicking if I were to lay on my right side.


A passage from the book:

"I thought only of him, of how it happened that he had stopped loving me, of the necessity that he should give me back that love, that he couldn't leave me like this. I made a list for myself of everything he owed me. I had helped him prepare for his university exams. I had gone with him when he didn't have the courage to appear, urging him through the noisy streets of Fuorigrotta, his heart splitting his chest, I could hear it beating, amid the din of students from city and province, his face going pale as I encouraged him along the corridors of the university. I had stayed awake night after night making him repeat the abstruse material of his studies. I had taken away my own time and added it to his to make him more powerful. I had put aside my own aspirations to go along with his. At every crisis of despair I had set aside my own crises to comfort him. I had disappeared into his minutes, into his hours, so that he could concentrate. I had taken care of the house, of the meals. I had taken care of the children, I had taken care of all the boring details of everyday life, while he stubbornly climbed the ladder up from  our unprivileged beginnings. "

I don't feel one iota sadness for this woman and instead with every word I read I want to bang the book and her head somewhere. But at the same time, I recognize some of it. I see how one could end up in her place which isn't exactly my fear. Its more of a -I will never like myself- if I become anything remotely resembling this. But the clarity remains. How did this woman become this woman is really just a simple series of steps. It could happen I suppose without someone even realizing its ongoing.

If you want to hear some poetry

Benedict Cumberbatch reads John Keats’s “Ode to a Nightingale.”

Here
And then go on to Plath reading 'Daddy'. I think there are very few recordings of her voice, and this is just amazing.

Daddy

Phoebe/Phoebo

Get it? :) A said he recently met someone who didn't know what FRIENDS was. Talk about feeling old! I think Buzzfeed actually has a 22 ways FRIENDS can make you feel old. That Emma girl baby is 13 years old now or something!
And speaking of babies, we are having ourselves ( sounds like cake) a little baby girl! :)

So we found out a while ago; I have just been meh about blogging. But baby girl deserves to be mentioned especially now that she is kicking away gloriously. Sometimes its a light shake as though she is using her fists other times its a proper kick that feels like someone is flicking my insides, like HELLOOOO? Anyone there?

I wanted a baby girl so bad. I just think I might do better with one. Like I have an unreasonable boy baby fear. We bet five bucks. A bet on girl and me on a boy. Because it felt like a boy. The technician said she wont take us ever to Vegas.

But overall she has been a good baby. Such a good good little baby! I already love her so much. And I am so curious about her. In the scans she is seen folding her arms across belly, like me when I was on that chair, as the technician pointed out and crossing her ankles and everything she does seems amazing. If its like this now, I cant imagine how 'mesmerized' we are going to be. A is equally bad. He loves hearing her heartbeat. He makes requests to technicians to please, play it again. If it could be played on loop, he would so ask! And then he beams. So silly, both of us!
And speaking of A, I am certain if it were possible, I love him more with this pregnancy. He has been such a super trooper. Initially when I was panicking over little stuff, I asked Amma to come immediately and she said, no, my sister has exams and she can only make it afterward. Which kind of hurt. Not that I think Amma is obliged to come help me but I was so flipping out but I never asked after she said that. I have left it to her to decide whatever she wants. So I am really grateful that A has been calm and wonderfully at my side, helping out with all kinds of little things and cheering me up and driving 20miles so that I can eat Manchow soup.

We have so far stuck with Meghna for baby girl, Meeku for home, although we both feel certain she is anything but meek. We had a couple of other options but they seem duller day by day.

My parents were a little disappointed; like my sister said, maybe they are tired having girls. Its fine. I have gotten over my irritation. My mom said, well, we wanted a healthy baby, that is all, and this is after her saying, "its ok, its ok". I should have said, IT IS OK! Please don't console me! But I was taken aback and did my awkward, uncomfy laugh thing. A was equally taken aback.
My dad said, well, we can teach her dance and music. I was seething but lately I have taken to not responding. I just cant. Usually there is a pleasure in disputing and debating but now its just an energy drain. I am going to teach her music/ dance if she wishes but also fucking Karate and Taekwondo or horse riding or whatever she wants. ( maybe I should stop swearing?)

His parents were very excited. Perhaps because my sister in law is having a boy and so Meeku is the first girl that side. Eventually my mother said she is sorry. But it was the worst kind of apology ever. Punctuated with, I didn't mean it but, perhaps you shall understand 25 years from now etc etc.
Again : cant respond.

My sister has been the second most excited person about the baby. I think she saves my doctor dates in her calendar because she is so on time asking me how it went. She keeps asking me to Skype and seems sad that she cant hang out with my big belly! Belly isn't that big. I have put on some weight but mostly on my face! Ugh.
My mom says I was 3 kilos which is 6pounds! And Meeku is only a pound so far.

ps: I think I understand people who constantly post baby pictures on the Interwebz. What a temptation it must be! To be so insanely proud of everything a tiny person does and to display it to everyone. I shall refrain however. I hope.

What time is it?

Its movie time!

I haven't recommended a movie in a while, right? Mainly because I haven't seen anything awesome and also we were watching Orange Is The New Black which btw is absolutely fabulous and everyone must see!
Anyway The Intouchables is one of the best, besht movies I have seen in a bit. It even took away some of the pain caused by Hollywood summer crap like World War Z and other movies I have saved A from but I haven't even been thanked yet for. I also made us watch this horror show called This Is Forty and A stopped mid away and said he wont watch anymore and that I owed him big for this one.
:/ I have to admit it was rather pathetic. Thank god it was on redbox and not 10$ wasted.

As for this one, I laughed pretty much throughout; the end A says was a bit sentimental but I was okay with that. Okay I am going to make it easier and look, a trailer: Intouchables

The only annoying thing, and even this wasn't so bad was that they used a black person to play the helper role while in real life he was French-Algerian bringing to mind all the stereotypes about "magical negro tropes" but somehow perhaps the humor and also the actor playing Driss being so brilliant made it all kind of okay.


WATCH.

I cut my hairs

So finally I gave in and got rid of the tresses. It kind of all happened very fast. On Friday Mr. A and I decided to walk down to China town for some dinner and before that we were discussing should I shouldn't I? While in theory I understand that my hairs are all my bizness somehow I end up feeling like A's opinion should be sought. And he was leaning toward kinda short but still enough to tie up sorts of a hair cut while I wanted all out. Then he was like, well, if you keep talking about it won't happen so just do it. Anyway while in Chinatown I sat down on this small square rock thing to yelp a place and looking to the sides saw Head Quarters which was somehow very cute a name. I had a racist moment which I must admit to where I said, do you think I should let an asian place cut my hair! I don't know where the fuckity fuck it came from but as soon as I said it, I looked up and A said, well, that's just racist!

Inside when I showed them the style as expected they said, oh, you will cry after it. I said, no, I wont cry. So they called their hair stylist, this hot lady who looked at the picture and said, ooh! I asked, so what do you think, will it suit me? And she said, well, I like my ladies, how do I say it? Sexy with long hair! I was like uh, well. She was quite charming and sweet. A bunch of people crowded outside the window to watch! I turned around and there they were all cringing as she chopped this big chunk off. Stupidly I hadn't thought it through so when she put the electric razor to my head, it was like, whoa! what are you doing! But obviously it needed to be shaved off. I couldn't look at the mirror so I kept trying to catch A's face and he was so sweetly smiling from the corner-it helped- Then I tried focusing on the whole- it's just hair, something that grows back, why do I even feel this loss-like feeling, how so much of it is conditioned into our thoughts-no pun intended- and so on. Then I felt allright. It was so good to have someone wash my motta -thalai. :)

And I have to say while its still a oh-man moment in that few seconds when I wake up and brush and look in the mirror, on the whole it feels so good. Seriously a burden off the shoulder feeling. And I don't look too bad, I shall add.

Counsel

My favorite question from the baby book for the current month is as follows, " Even though we are really mentally prepared for the baby we are finding ourselves suddenly antagonistic toward it." I know its not very funny but it totally made me laugh a little!

This was right after I read this Dear Prudie column where this woman was all I am engaged but having sex dreams about ALL THE PEOPLE and should I tell my fiance? And everyone including Prudie was like maybe not sorts. Or maybe you should but be warned of the consequences. Something on those lines. Tbh it all seemed like really bad advice! Maybe that is why she is called 'Prudie'! I mean the woman was having dreams and if you can't tell whoever that you are having dreams then, I don't know!

Similarly imagine if you were having the antagonistic baby thoughts but unable to tell whoever! That would be terrible stress, I would imagine.  Regards baby I haven't particularly had any issues. A did ask if I grudged all the throwing up and gas+indigestion. But I don't. I mean I know what I signed up for and so far baby has been real good to me. All the pregnancy related issues are more or less on the lower scale. So I have mostly been able to voice all my horrid thoughts baby or otherwise without too much eyebrow being raised.
The conversation goes something like, Hey A, can I ask you something? followed by pause, and then, okay, so imagine if....

Lately every time I say this he looks very suspicious though. Like: what now! :D which I don't mind. So anyway the other day I start with my hey can I ask you something.
The something being: Imagine if we were really rich. And if we could afford it and we are happy and we want babies badly but I don't want to carry the baby. So would we hire a surrogate?

I was quite surprised at how hostile he was to the whole idea. He kept saying why surrogate, why not just adopt then? I said, well what if we were insistent on having our own baby and our eggs+sperm worked fine. I didn't want to turn it into a discussion on women's rights and reproduction and so on but I was definitely surprised. So I gave him a couple of other angles. Like what if we I were unable physically or what if it's the second baby but my uterus is compromised ( :/)
Each time he kept running toward -might as well adopt a baby then. So finally I said, so you would grudge me then? and he was like, well, I might not. But wouldn't the baby grudge you at some point?

I don't know. Would it?

Anyway I guess I am glad I get to ask these questions.

Books, Hospital, Hair, Baby et.al

So hospital. I have a pretty nice obgyn. I prefer slightly reserved doctors who aren't too friendly or too bright/ optimistic and I got one! I feel quite comfy with her; I can ask all my questions without too much embarrassment and when she has to put me down she does so without really hurting my MANY feelings. And yesterday after some gazillion questions I concluded with, so could I have a copy of the reports because I like knowing all the numbers and stuff. And she said, yeah, yeah you do. You are a worry wart.
Looks like we understand each other perfectly well.

Also now whenever the nurse or technician steps outside with that notepad and looks into it, looks doubtful, looks around the room, looks into the pad again, yeah, then I know its my turn because no one can pronounce my name and somehow they all seem shy of announcing my name wrong to a room full of pregnant women. This is good though, I just automatically stand up and walk over and they look relieved that they didn't have to actually say it out loud.
The other thing I really like is having the same co-ordinator and nurse every time. The nurse is married to an Indian so likes having these little chats with me about food and temples and pujas. Seriously she is so much more religious than me. She said they fast on Thursdays and do a small puja! I was surprised I guess but didn't say anything. What is an appropriate response anyway other than wow.
Baby looks fine. Seems to have cleared the first rounds of tests. Is waving arms and legs around rather enthusiastically. I have lost another 2 pounds and they keep telling me is all fine but of course I worry. They are like, well, if you lost like 20 pounds we would be concerned. O really! I want to try and eat a little more except I don't want to. I seem to want to eat crappy junk which I never liked before like a hot dog with lots of onions and cilantro and peppers and a pastrami sandwich or a big burger- okay, that is normal- but food that I otherwise don't care about.  And garlic chips!
O well.

I am so so tempted to cut my hair. Its falling like there is no tomorrow for it anyway. And everyone is like but this is the best time for hair growth! So wouldn't it be best to just cut it nice and short and beat the heat wave that is Chicago. No?
So tempted. I just might.

And lastly books. I have read so little but now that I get this raging headache with even minimal t.v and even looking at the phone, I have gone back to books again.
I wanted to write short reviews but now I am tired so maybe I will expand it later but they are all pretty good.

1. Native Son- Richard Wright.

2. Bastard out of Carolina- Dorothy Allison

3. Madame Bovary

4. The Reluctant Fundamentalist- Mohsin Hamid

5. Sunstroke and other stories- Tessa Hadley

6. Angela's Ashes, Tis- Frank Mccourt

7. Brooklyn- Colm Toibin

8. One More Year- Sana Krasikov

Okbye.

In which anger means crying

One of the things I hate is when a woman reacts rather strongly to something and people ask/ decide for themselves that "Yeah, she must be on her period!" or the "she must be menopausal" or whatever on the lines of crazy hormonal bitch. Once on Walking Dead, yup, on the zombie show that I watch, one dude asks another dude whether all the women are on their period because you know sometimes when women hang out together for long periods of time they all get crazy together because of all the hormones. Well, I am not watching the show for its stellar writing but really, this is a thing. Long ago my father, uncles and other male varieties used to use this as the excuse when called out on something. 

All this said, I am having hormonal tears a LOT. To understand a lot let me explain. I cried watching Hunger Games. I cry when I watch a borderline adorable ad. I cry when the dosa batter is wrecked. Its more like frustration tears but they are tears nevertheless! And I feel so silly. It really helps that I am alone when this happens. I couldn't bear for someone to see this. When P was visiting two weeks ago, we went out at night and we were all having this discussion about how much is too much advise for a friend/ acquaintance. It was going on fairly peacefully, everyone saying their bit and all that. I could tell that A and P were more closer in their stance than me who was on the other side. And then A says something not exactly too mean but unnecessary and he "laughs" which actually seemed the worser offense and instead of just shrugging it off or arguing back, I cry! It just wont stop and I felt so horrid that P was in the car unable to escape this situation and it becomes sniffling soon. Ugh. It was disgusting. I was pretty angry too but I just wish the tears hadn't happened. 

Its like I am armed with ready made tears. And of course they come for legit stuff too. Like this article on abortion which is one of the best after the Texas filibuster. Here. There is a testimony of a woman here who needed an abortion at six months but no one could give her one and the ordeal. Oh lord, the ordeal which must have been a zillion times made worse by the fact that your insurance screws you over too making it impossible to go to another state to have an abortion. 

People are always telling me now to " have happy thoughts." This is really difficult btw. I try sometimes to have happy thoughts. That sounds odd, I know. I mean I am happy on a ten scale about 6happy. But have you tried to have a happy thought? I have one now. Its quite silly but I really like the build up and the actual playing out of the scene :) Maybe I can make up a few more. 

I finally started a baby diary with A. Its kind of fun to write to peanut. A and I were thinking how sad it would be if we presented it to baby/ teenage baby and he/she was like Yeah Whatever :/ 

Yeah baby, you better not whatever my baby diary! 

Hello, Mike Testing

Ahem. Throat clearing.

So it looks like I am housing a tiny human. Yup. I have been badly wanting to write about it but to quote Grey's Anatomy ( Yes!) I haven't been ready to be happy about it. But now I am a tiny teeny bit happy and hopeful because we saw him/her/peanut on ultra sound and heard the heartbeat! The doc says he/she is measuring more than what he/she should measure, basically growing a tiny bit faster! Well, I have been eating two eggs on some days and generously crunching nuts when I need a snack!

I digress.

So almost immediately following a I-am-not-going-to-have-a-baby post I found out! It really was quite a shock maybe because I, due to past history was convinced that I wouldn't have one and A, due to I dont know whatever his own reasons was convinced too. And then we went to donate cheek swabs for  the bone marrow drive and I felt sick-sick at the hospital, nauseous but we thought no way, just my general hospital gagging. Then we went for Star Trek and I felt sick from the butter pop corn and we were like um? So we got that pee stick. And A said do it the right way. Really. The Right Way! And one line came up and he said, yeah,well and then came a small pale line and we were incredulous. I peed again. ( Sorry) Again we had two pale lines and we hugged and stood staring. You know one of my favorite Grey's anatomy moment is when Grey asks Yang how to break the baby news to Mcdreamy and Yang says, well, you found out hunched over the closet, so why should he get something ceremonious! I am glad I didn't have to plan any grand moment. It really was all too much.

Then basically I have spend days convinced baby wont want to stay in and checking for spotting but now I have kind of calmed down and in fact to my credit, I haven't been paranoid much! I haven't internet trolled for anything but sit calmly and flip through my baby book. All zen like.
I am really glad for A though. I can't think of anyone better to do this with.

Meanwhile: Nausea. Both morning and at night.


Apparently I no longer use full stops to end sentences but !!!

Wound

Larry Levis



I've loved you the way a man loves an old wound picked up in a razor fight.
on a street nobody remembers. Look at him; even in the dark he touches it gently.

Just a note

I hate my friend's husband.

He is the biggest douche I have met/ heard about in the last few years and I hate him to the extent that I am sure if I have to meet him now, it will be super hard for me to pretend and have a half-decent conversation. So he is your typical Malayalee loser although I am using this term kind of vaguely because I am sure the traits can be universal but because they live there it's kind of more in a nuanced Keralish way. For e.g she texted me about her sponsorship finding dilemmas for a function that she was event co ordinating? She wanted me to write her speech and she is so proud of what she is doing and he is just being this gigantic asshole about it. He prefers that she doesn't do anything! Except look after the kid. And makes it all so very difficult for her. And he never wants to do anything she wants to. He wont even lift a finger to help with stuff not even to do with the child. He only wants to drink beer and sit in the restaurant and watch t.v if they go for a trip and he wants to live in the joint family and basically live the good life having it all while doing absolutely nothing.

I love my friend! I think she is quirky and funny and sexy! She has put on some baby weight but is really so beautiful and I have a feeling from some of our conversations that she doesn't quite believe it anymore but is a little resigned to it. Her father told her it seems she better lose some weight or the guy will leave her! She makes these into jokes but when she repeats it, I feel like I must say something, now, now. But it always feels like I am encroaching and that if I say something, our relationship might shift a little bit. I dont want that also. Like although we are close I am not in the place where I can react as I wish like maybe how I would with say with, P. As in I wont be blunt. Because most of the times she is convincing herself its funny/ 'that's- just- how- things- are- here', and I just dont want to comment on anything out till she is willing to say something. Because really wont I be kind of being an ass myself by you know pointing out from my nice high chair? I wont.

But I love her and I wish I could have done something for her. In a way I am really glad she has a lot of money. Maybe that helps a little. That seems a sad thing to say.

May Movies

L' Emploi du temps/ Time Out: Laurent Cantet ****

I had seen Vers le sud before by him and it was so well done primarily because of Charlotte Rampling who is brilliant but the story itself was complex and nuanced and treated the subject very well so I watched this and the strength of this one are the actors I suppose. I remember Leslie suggesting movies one day for us to watch. These were times when I was quite ignorant :/ and I completely missed the name of the director. He said, the story is something like what S would write. And I was both proud - without even knowing why- and flustered. Then I forgot to ask the name and I thought fine, I will ask tomorrow but the next day it seemed too odd. Anyway finally I was looking for something else when this popped up. And Leslie is probably right. It definitely is one of those delusional stories. Without giving anything away, I shall say that its the story of a man who loses his job but instead of looking for another one, convinces everyone around and eventually himself that he is employed. The actors are so well- cast! Esp the man's friends. There are certain types of people you meet, you know? Immediately warm and welcoming with a very open face? There is one guy who plays that role and oh so so well! I was also struck by how close the family is in the movie. The parents are so involved in everything including finances and they help out quite generously when asked. They are always coming over without even calling ahead. I know nothing about the french family system but I suppose it seemed more closer to home than I had expected. At least in this movie.


Story of a Love Affair: Michelangelo Antonioni ****

Very much a film noir made in 50's, grey and solemn both the movie settings and the story. A very rich business man decides to have his wife followed.
Paola is most definitely a social climber and the actor who played her was kind of the right pick but a bad actor! She clearly fit the role, very sociopathic, very much the enabler. Her lover, like in these case as it is usually, is one of those dull fellows. There is no chemistry between anyone, no love really, nothing at all. But people are all trying quite desperately for something nameless which I thoroughly enjoyed about the movie.


The Diary of a Chambermaid: Jean Renoir *** 1946

Actually I was looking for the other one without "The" in it but it wasn't available and this was and quite worth the watch. Celestine arrives as a chambermaid into a rural place at the Lanlaires. And she has vowed to herself to marry the "next man" to move up in life.
Her subsequent journey so to speak is comedy-fied and quite theatrical. She has dialogue on the lines of " No more love for Celestine! Oh I must write that down." And write it down she does in a big diary in slanting beautiful lettering. I found it on the whole amusing. All this happens of course in the backdrop of political shifts. The town itself is celebrating The Republic, the house is mourning, the maids and other help want to be allowed to go take part in the celebrations. The ruling class as to be expected is shown as cruel and contemptuous with a matriarch running everything and the men are depicted as either weak ( the son)  or caricatures ( the father) which on the whole worked for the film but I wonder how true it was that society at that time.

Detropia : **** Heidi Ewing

As the title suggests it is a documentary about Detroit with word play of either utopia/ dystopia. The film opens with shots of a eerie ghostlike town where a house is being torn down. Foreclosures.
I actually liked this a lot. It has no narrative, no structure, it simply shows lives in Detroit from different angles. One from the leader of the trade union, a video blogger, an artist who moved there for the cheap living, a pub owner.
The movie follows as the leader takes us through the now shut plants and other facilities that have moved operations elsewhere, Mexico being one of them. The fact that the film doesn't make a point has kind of been criticized but what can possibly be said? The movie has a scene where the workers are being told the different wage cuts that they have to take. From 14.35 to 11 $ an hour. They react. They say they will take the fight till the end. But the end is already here or even gone past them. I wondered if the movie was making a point about unrealistic expectations and then cuts to a team of young men who raid buildings for scrap and sell it, apparently in their words, to "China so that they can build more crap with it and send it back to us."
Sometimes it did feel a little one sided, entirely made to elicit sympathy for the workers, but I wouldn't necessarily call that a weakness.
I did however find the artist duo disgusting. So parasitical somehow with their "avant-garde" street performances extremely annoying and in poor taste. But that's just me. Maybe some kind of larger picture if being conveyed but I didn't get it.

Walking With Monsters (Life Before Dinosaurs) : narrated by Kenneth Branagh ****

Is a 3 part documentary series and I totally geeked out on it.

It shows all the evolutionary magic, the arthropods, the amphibians and reptiles changing and adjusting as the surface of the planet changes. I think actually this would be great for kids just beginning to learn about earth and animals and stuff.

Shoeshine: Vittorio De Sica,1946

Just like the other one from him, The Bicycle Thief, this one is also set in post war Rome, scrounging for food and other necessities. This one however follows two boys who somehow end up in juvenile jail full of other petty criminals aka young boys. I was so struck by how much I loved all those little boys because I am really a little girl person. I read up a little about it and it turns out that the movie was inspired by a magazine photo of two shoeshine boys who were then interviewed but the director decided not to use them because they were "too ugly". I found this kind of amusing! So much for realism, huh? But all that not withstanding this is so wonderful and heart breaking. The boys are so quick and full of lines that made me laugh despite their predicaments.

OTHER CRAP:

Shop Girl: Steve Martin, Clarie Danes. Meh. Why Claire?Why?

What to Expect When You are Expecting: Oh Lord. SO STUPID. And calls itself a comedy? Did you see me laughing?

Pretty In Pink: :) Always pleasant to watch. I love 80's high school movies. Oh the hair, oh the clothes!

Girl In Progress: :/ Yeah all right, Eva Mendes, hot as always.

Star Trek: Hello Hollywood.

Zero Dark Thirty: I told the husband this is going to be so bad but of course he wouldn't listen and then he slept through most of it.

Borderline Issues

I don't have OCD and people who often claim it for themselves are usually not exactly OCD. If you really know what it entails you probably wouldn't call yourself an OCD person. But I have borderline issues. For e.g. I am doing this one month green smoothie challenge! :/ Yeah. I started quite unhappily mainly because I had put on a few pounds in the last one year so I just started running and gym again so I figured why not! But I love the smoothies as it turns out. They are so green and fresh! You basically mix a bunch of greens with fruits and almond milk/ water and honey if you want to sweeten it and drink it. Its quite detoxifying too. Obviously you got to exercise it out too and I have lost two pounds in 16 days which isn't so bad. Although it also involves lesser portion sizes which I pretend I can't see. I can only do so much!!

But the problem is that the greens are all cruciferous and not good exactly for folks with thyroid issues. I don't have thyroid issues actually but I remember being borderline on one of the T3 T4 TSH tests from two years ago. I just can't remember which one! But it resolved by itself. But now I want to drink these smoothies and keep running till I hit the dream weight but the goitrogen part is making me very nervous. I am running yesterday and suddenly I feel like I am swallowing funny and I cant stop feeling for my throat and I am running with one hand one my throat and gulping because the physician used to do that to check something thyroid related. Of course I have no idea what I am doing but I am doing it anyway. And this goes on for a while so I tell myself to calm down and I have to stop. I sit at a bench for a minutes and try not to think at all. Then I am just so tired and I run all the thyroid related info I have in my head slowly. And by the time I get back I feel a little better but I read up anyway. I store some bullet points in my file :/ and check in the mirror to see if my throat is moving funny with swallowing. I mostly feel stupid because it is stupid. It is. Its just I cant help it. Because sometime it goes on a roll like yesterday after thyroid I have to check for Rheumatoid Arthritis and then I go on NIH and read all about Vit D deficiencies and what I could eat to make up.
Amma says its because I don't have anything better to do :/ Thanks, Amma.

But I guess it could be true. If I was truly busy would I have time to worry about all this? Maybe not. Although when I was truly busy I still found time! So there is that. I definitely feel like I am short on Iodine. Can one feel such things? There are obviously symptoms but they are all so bloody vague. And usually you know, you feel like you have it all. Tired? Fatigued? Nervous? Blah blah. Everyone feels all that. People always laugh at Internet doctoring and I get it. Its fine, laugh away. I just have to do what I have to do.

Girls

So as promised earlier this is the post on the new-er girls I met. I was in two minds by mid saturday afternoon about going for the thing because I felt convinced that the thing wouldn't be worth anything. Plus A had clothes shopping and by the time I dragged back home it was time to leave again. And I was irritated that dinner was at 6! I mean who has dinner at 6! I had lunch at 3 so all together I did not want to meet anyone plus the directions to the place seemed sketchy but the husband figured it all out and texted it to me so there weren't many more excuses to make and also I hate being that person who RSVP's and cancels last minute. And well, I am so glad I went! 

It seemed a little comical how quickly everything during dinner became about dating/boys/getting married. I mean I have no right to say this because I am sitting on the other side of the fence. Most of them were in their mid 30's and working which I was duly jealous of. Most of them had terrible dating stories. There was a couple of girls who had been swindled for the green card and then divorced! The girl who had almost gotten engaged before the guy disappeared altogether leaving her to explain to her parents. The girl who caught a flight to see someone she met online who took her to an Amway meeting! It was all rather frightening. But they were all such good sports and full of life. Which was a lot of fun to be around. I didn't feel left out at all with my lack of job situation. I had completely forgotten my who-eats-dinner-early woes and I stuffed myself with a huge bowl of lentil and ham soup and forgot my no drinking rule and had martinis and soon we sat there so long, we missed the movie! Then we headed off to someone's apartment, who lived very close by.

The other thing that struck me from what they said was how they all seemed to want to marry Desi boys! I couldn't help wonder why! The lady who was divorced said that she just couldn't handle the culture clash anymore and she wanted someone who could sit down with her parents and have a long chat amongst other things. Of course I realize that every desire springs from some personal experience but it was amazing to hear the stories that are apparently going on in the suburbs where there is a huge indian-american population where the men:women ratio is skewed and apparently there is a lot of push and pull happening in the dating scene! 

And so many of them are on shaadi.com! Lord! I kept thinking I escaped all that from India and is this what is happening here! But then again why am I suprised! Ultimately people just want to be with someone they can really have a conversation with and if they want Desis, then they want Desis! I hope it works out for them. 

The last thing before I forget. I have been having horrid baby angst. Like I have baby dreams all the time. I think its beyond my control or something now. Like some kind of hormonal thing maybe to do with age! I have no idea. And I have a very strong feeling its not going to happen for me. And there was this girl who I got along very well with and soon it was just me and her talking and she said, you know I think I am going to miss my window with the whole married-baby deal. But I love kids so much, I have been looking into adoption. And I felt this huge relief  That at least I could be surrounded by people who I can actually talk to. And I could have hugged- well, eventually I did. But yeah.

I am grateful if I have a child- I will be super grateful. But I am also in two minds about all the infertility treatments people go through. I have seen first hand all the effects of the hormones on your body by the time you hit your late forties. Will I do that? I dont know. I have too much paranoia to inject so much stuff into my body and then who knows if it will even be successful.

Anyway I guess I am glad I stepped out.

Two Girls, Fat and Thin

Mary Gaitskill.

I consider Gaitskill, Messud, Morrison et al kind of like patricians of literature. They have this aura I suppose of being up on a level entirely unreachable. I would have put Atwood too in the list but I sometimes find her a little goofy. But Gaitskill has this sort of coldness I think which for me reflects in her books too. I remember reading Veronica, again a book about two women and the relationship between them. Two Girls, Fat and Thin likewise is about, well, two girls- fat & thin.
The structure is what attracted me at first, the way you she has two parallel narratives and then at the end of each you pick up a strand from the previous. And this is hard to do because each narrative belongs to each girl. So she uses first person for Dorothy and third for Justine. And this works very well because the "I" is so vivid in its descriptions that there is never any crosstalk confusion.

Do you ever wish sometimes when you climb on a bus and find a decent seat for the journey to not end? That you could just sit for a long while on that bus and look outside? This is my favorite feeling while book reading and with a good book I always feel like "close the book, close it, save it for later!"
My other favorite comparison is in movies when the lady who lives alone finishes up her work and slowly walks home, opens door and nudges off shoes and finds her cat because dogs probably would be waiting anyway and then checks fridge, makes a sensible meal ( never junk food) and watches t.v and sleeps in a tidily made bed with flower printed sheets and comfortable pillows and a soft comforter while wearing socks and reads a while in bed and then turns off her light and sits for a minute before lying down and pulling the comforter up. Why on earth would I like this rather done and sad scene?  I dont know. Maybe it relays some kind of self-sufficiency which I hugely lack now a days. I think the latest I saw of this kind is  of Claire Danes in a meh movie and I do love her so much and I wanted her to find love etc but mostly I just wanted to see her come home. So this is other scenario that I link with a good book. A slowness to everything.

This book in all its terrifying sadness makes me feel blessed. What is the point of reading a book? Emotionally that is. Sometimes for me it is to relate, sometimes to gloat, to feel better, to take comfort in ugliness but most often it is to make sense of humans and any time I come across some kind of human kindess it both upsets and relieves me. Which is why this book is so perfect. They are all so deformed and incapable and so familiar. I have been reading it for a whole week now and that is a long time for a book.

The other interesting thing and this is quite awesome- it parodies Ayn Rand! Thank you! Its not objectivism here but she calls it "Definitism" but you can tell. The name is Anna Granite! And how Dorothy joins her cult. I have often thought about how it is possible to wind up completely alone in life. Where does everyone you know go? Toward the middle of this book, I felt more convinced about isolation. Its such a natural progression for these characters that you don't even question it.
Yes, it's also about family screwing your life but it would be too pat to describe it as a dysfunctional family story.

You know how they tell you this bullshit rule in school? Make likeable characters? What does that even mean? If you do know what it means, good but Gaitskill does such a good job of immensely sorry characters but never vitcim-ish but strong in-spite of it all and still likeable! Quite amazing! You want these two to march on and live and thrive etc although its probably never going to be that bright. I have fifty pages to go but I dont want it to end.

Happy Feet

I have been meaning to post this photo.

It's not a very good photo but this is my running stretch as of a few days only. I am so so super grateful to A for forcing me to get outside and give up the treadmill!

You have to run a bit before you get to the lake shore but the minute you start this path you feel invincible! I woke up today at five and I thought about this and felt happy! How odd! I am seriously your couch meets ass meets happiness person but I drag myself quite unhappily to the gym but this! This is actually making me want to run and my pace is improving and I can run longer stretches maybe someday soon well, not soon, maybe soonly I can actually keep up with A.

Who are your friends?

Making friends I have always found more hard than say, dating! Meeting a man somehow has always seemed a hundred times easier than a potential friend. Is it odd to use the term 'best friend' after a certain age? Should I go with "close friend"? My close best friend :D and I have been together for almost ten years now which isn't that long but long enough. How did I become friends with her? Recently my husband asked and I just couldn't remember an exact moment. It almost seems like we just suddenly floated into each others arms one fine morning. I dont know.  I don't remember talking to her at all my first year of college. I saw her now and then and thought "uff such jaada" Malayalam speak for " arrogant thing".

 You know how couples start to say similar things and kind of ending up wearing similar clothes sometimes? Well, at least A and I end up doing that. Stripes on the same day, same white shirt and sweater combos. I think my friend and I are beginning to look quite similar with our same grinning techniques and speech patterns. Its comforting.

A always says the reason I don't make new friends easy is because in the back of my  mind there is always, ah it's fine, I already have the people I need. I chat with her, Tash and M everyday on Whatsapp in the mornings and I know everything that happens with them and if I need a moment to whine/cry/ share photos they are right there. And now that she, P, is here a flight/ a long train ride away I suppose I do slack of in making new friends.

But to my credit, I tried and I liked some of the people so far. But I must say that I can no longer tolerate certain kinds of people and have absolutely no patience to try and see over and beyond the annoying traits. I just don't see the need for it.

Recently I met a few people. They are absolutely sweet and I can get along if I make myself a tiny teeny bit different. As in I am most definitely oozing my Malayaliness but what being with them asks for is a more 'Indian" version of me, one that can easily speak Hindi and can Bollywood speak neither of which I am particularly good at it. But that's all right. When someone is kind of on my wave length I can try. What I am finding slightly difficult is the kind of very ignorant racist things they say. For e.g they are all south indians and there were comments about "those bengalis" and "chinese people will eat anything! Disgusting!" and other similar veins.
I just cant, I think. I don't want to have that conversation and I dont want to feel guilty about not having that conversation. Seriously, where are my future book reading, sangria loving, decent movie watching,  14min a mile running ( :D ) 5K aspiring, scrabble playing, dog owning, cheap food loving, even hipstery- I don't mind this group much- friends! Where I ask!
I am not even asking for Malayalees! Come on!

I am meeting a whole bunch this weekend for movie drinks etc and my poor tired heart just hopes that I meet one, ONE person in a large group that I can potentially be good biddies with. Okay so more on that soon.

Reflecting for no reason

The thing is I have a great marriage. I feel somehow like an odd duck saying that. Almost like I shouldn't say it out aloud. Not because I will jinx it, I have no such fears but only because people might think me an assehole for announcing it. But all that said, I have a great marriage. You know what I think makes it amazing? Apart from the expected love, honesty, affection, best -friend, good sex, sometimes amazing sex, blah blah. I think it's a  mix of intuition on both our parts and paying attention. Can they be acquired? sure. But it has to be a little innate quality too.
I was watching "Take this Waltz" and then started writing this. Here is a quick review to check out.
Initially the movie annoyed me quite a bit. Not just that I have a dislike for Michelle Williams and esp with her playing this quirky thing. Also: why does all eccentric quirky people have to be aspiring writers! Stop it movie makers!. It was like she was trying too hard to be "restless, noticed, and to stand apart" from the rest. And also: who knew Seth Rogen could play the goofy sweet husband role?
But then as it moved on I found myself smiling a little. You know these things you do with your husband/ partner? The cute things? Or the little personal secret games? The startle him in the shower? Hide and jump from corners? Tickle his belly? Tie his hair? Repeat his sentences? Ask him, hmm? hm? till he realizes you are fooling him? Making him certificates for best sex night? This is the best movie I have seen which shows this couple life thing and it's done quite adorably. People are so similar  Yes, I dont need a movie to tell me that but I have a feeling so many of these games are so common.
Anyhow Michelle eventually feels attracted to someone else and fights it admirably. Without cliches. The only sex she has is virtual with this guy describing what he would do to her in a cafe. And believe me, this guy delivered the dialogue so well, even I got hot and bothered.

It made me think how is it possible that sometime during the entire life together you will meet someone else you could possibly be attracted to. Isn't it horrible if you are in some rut at that point too and suddenly this option will seem the best thing that could happen to you? These two have been married five years. Five years is nothing. Is that why people have babies? Do babies make you inseparably close? Do babies help cement things better? Isn't virtual sex cheating?

Which is why I will go back to my first statement. I have a great guy. He notices everything. And while that sounds kind of annoying/ alarming it isn't. There is a scene in the movie where they go out on their anniversary. In fact the guy who she is attracted to, who btw pulls a rickshaw takes them there. So they are sitting eating dessert. Seth and Michelle. Its quiet around with just the low hum of chatter. He slurps a little on his spoon. She says, how are you? what is happening. Talk to me.
And he says, all good, what, why?
And she says, well, then ask me how I am doing?
and he says, I know how are you doing. Why should we talk about it?
and she, then why did we come to dinner?
He says, to enjoy good food. I am not going to talk just because you want to feel like you are having a conversation.

Now I realize after writing it that he comes across a little dickish. But he really isn't. He is doing what they have always done probably. But then he doesn't notice the quiet way she pulls back.  And i wonder if that is a product of the years going by. Do people just stop noticing? Even people who are initially good at it, who notice signals. Is that enough of a reason to cheat on them? I don't think so. But
I suppose it happens. But to try and change things would mean to first admitting things are not going well to yourself and then to whoever. Which means having that talk. Which is probably hard esp if the other person has been ambling along content how things are. Which means they are going to be surprised. Which means.. What does it mean? I guess what I mean is there is no reason to assume that " non-cheating" comes with the whole getting married deal. Only the truly deserving ought to get it. Michelle is in the other guy's bed and I suppose on the verge of deciding and she starts crying and says, I can't hurt him.

You see? That is a kind of thing you earn.  I mean yes, she is in another bed crying, fair enough but that's a different issue born out of other things too. Like her own issues. But that split second decision to not act on your impulses has to be deserving of all the effort your partner has put in over the years, all the difficult things you helped him/ her through. So I think even if A stops noticing a little, I think I will prefer nudging him first before anything else because if there is someone who truly deserves my little love, it's him. While I feel a little bad saying this and you might even wonder if this is possible, I do believe he is the person who loves me the most. Which is hard because parents, you know, are supposed to do the unconditional.


I hope I always notice, I hope I pay attention.

Link Time

Been busy with things that aren't blog worthy. However I have all kinds of random things to be linked.
Beginning with sex and literature? Hell yeah. A and I were driving and talking about our top ten priority list and obviously sex and books ranked high and then I came across this which links them both! I have a small crush on the woman named Alicia!
A quick heads up: Don't watch while at work.

I read this book and the link is a NYT review. There is one story in it which blew my mind. It's called The Repatriates and it's one of those stories that kind of chug along and you trust what the narrator has to say or her side of things and then suddenly in just a few lines the author takes it all apart. In this story it's done through just a few dialogues toward the end. Do read!


I got A this book. The title made him look at me like whaa? But he says he likes it so far.

This is a documentary I saw and loved. I have I think expressed my general distaste for godmen/ women earlier but what I did not expect or never quite factored in was loneliness and what it can do to you. Recently Gawker had an article about a woman who dialled 911 multiple times just to chat because she hadn't talked to anyone in so long. The disciples in Kumare was a kind of harsh slap in the face. I mean it wasn't just that people wanted badly to beleive in something bigger but they just seemed to want to just connect with someone so badly. They all had so much in common even though they come from so many different backgrounds. I think it's the way they spoke with such alarming fear about what next.

Race is one of those topics that I can read exhaustively on and here are two articles that express rather eloquently about being "yellow" and being "brown" in America.
This is by Catherine Chung and she uses both personal experiences and current attitudes to explain her stance better.
And this by Amitava Kumar is in the light of the recent Boston bombings. It's interesting but kind of fizzles a little and I probably need to read it again.

Here is a photo essay It kind of makes you stop and wonder a little. And yes, you forget as always and move on but somehow these images have stayed in my head.  It also made me wish so badly that I had had this idea! What an exceptional way to convey a thought.

Well, everyone has been posting about this Dove ad and I saw it and thought not bad at all but something was quite wrong and you had that naggy feeling. It basically shows a bunch of women talk about how they perceive themselves and a man on the other side sketches them based on what they say. Then someone else who has met them describes them and the man sketches again. And then both pictures are kind of compared and the woman inevitably looks better in the sketch described by the other person. Although you know look at the kind of women they picked! I mean there isn't one over weight person. And then this essay came along and explained it all much better than the crowded thoughts in my head.

I don't always agree with James Wood and his reviews but I love this profile about him and his wife, Claire Messud.

Tehelka. Here is an article that yes, generalizes like crrraaazie but, but! all I could think about after reading it was, yeah, I know quite a few of these kinds! Look for it here. Although I think the article could also have detailed on how Indian women enable these attitudes.

I have such a fear of painkillers and unless it's really necessary or painful I try to steer clear. A has this annoying habit of offering me Tylenol for every other thing. The other day I had one of those neck cricks from falling asleep in the same position for a while and it was irritating but will mostly disappear without some pill help but there he is with his Tylenol praise! Look at this.  :/

I watched a bunch of movies of which The Story of Adele H stands out. Isabelle Adjani is so young and so fabulous as Adele. I have always felt that compulsive maniacal kind of love is never really love. It is just standing in for something else that you havent discovered is wrong with your life. And Adele. Poor beautiful Adele just keeps following the captain to different countries, she lies everywhere and to everyone but mostly to herself. There is one scene in particular that I know will stay with me. In which she hands out a handful of crumpled bills to him on a rocky mountainy area where he is on a horse and she is in her raggedy clothes and the expression on her face!  Oh. It's apparently based upon Victor Hugo's daughter's life.

Then I watched a bunch of gay movies that Netflix offered:

1)Far from Heaven: *** Juliane Moore is worth watching. Rest meh.
2)Bloomington: *What the fuck was this movie! Entirely pointless plotless but of so pretty both the actresses!
3)Heavenly Creatures: **** A young young Kate Winslet doing a fabulous job! Based on a true story. I give it four stars simply for Kate itself but Melanie Lynskey, Rose, from Two and a Half Men :/ walks away with the stage! She is so brilliant in this teenage hysteria filled movie. Totally worth it. I also saw an interview afterward about the real life girls who plot the murder and they are all so old now. Apparently a condition of their release was that they never meet each other again.
4) And then came the Lisa Ray, Sheetal Sheth awesomeness! Man, these two kind of belong together had they been gay! There are two movies by the same director.

-I can't think straight is set in London ****
-The World Unseen is set in 1950's South Africa in Apartheid times. ***
I can't quite get over how beautiful they are together. Although I must add that Lisa Ray is quite wooden but tries hard!

Ok that's all for now.

Happy Vishu

Happy Vishu, erryone. Have a great year filled with the usual suspects.

This is the first time I am doing the whole 'Kanni' situation myself. For a whole decade and a half we saw evil grandmother's Kanni and as my mother puts it 'it was the harbinger of all our nasham" :) The night before Vishu I googled "What vishu means" because I had this image suddenly of doing a Kanni with future kids and them asking so what is this? and me saying something like, it's Kerala culture darlings, and them going, oh yeah? what is that? and me saying, umm hang on, I will tell you in a minute and searching Vishu, What is Vishu or worse: What is Kerala culture? on my phone hidden in the bathroom.

Well of course I know it is the new year and Malayalam month and all that but there has to be a story right? Thus the googling.

Look at my Kanni:

and of course a Sadya:

Time to decide but not quite

So I have a lot of issues coming up. As always I suppose. One of the things that I really like about A and my shared aunt is how enterprising she is. She is about forty and due to a whole lot of crap she had to deal with, she ended up career less. And this is America-land of whatever whatever. :/ So she has done so many courses but somehow it wont pan out into a job. It sounds flaky but it truly isn't  It involved headaches like citizenship of a different country issues, baby issues, husband moving around issues, people telling you-if you can just relax everything will happen issues- but somehow she has hung on. Every course she does, she shines like a super star, straight A's, she obsessively studies, heads down to class even with a flu- :/ this isnt particularly a good thing, but still you get the picture. And now finally she is doing a para legal course because she has always been interested in law and politics and doing well as always and most likely to land a decent job but it turns out they have to move to the Gelf. I can tell she is tired but being sporty! I can also tell that I wouldn't be half this graceful about all this. I would be a raging cyclone!

I have been thinking what should I do now. The options were: join a local culinary school. A school counseling certification. Volunteer at a kindergarten, start a home food service, food stylist internship, intern at a local domestic violence shelter after finishing the DV certification, a small time paper internship. As you can see it's all either food/ children or NPO's. I love kids and not in a oh-you-cutie and ok now get off my hip way. I can spend quite a bit of time with a child and not be so bored. So the best fit for me would be an Early Childhood certification for elementary school. Not below that or above it. This is my favorite child period. Now the thing standing in my way is the colleges are far off in the suburbs mostly and I live in the city. Second, we can apply for the GC only in August and I absolutely cannot do the F-2 F-1 mania ever ever in my life again. So it looks like I will have to wait till October at least. This is okay actually. I will hopefully find a volunteer position till then. Most of the jobs also require me to be bilingual and they mostly mean Spanish which btw after 2 years of learning the only lines I can form now is: en mi tiempo libre mi gusta leer lebros!  :/ and well, como estas :D But I think I can pick it up. I remember I had my spanish exam and Mr. A was in Pune and decided to help me learn and although what I mean by that is: we made out after every few words it was such fun to be with my 'boyfriend'! :) What a good time that was.

Meanwhile I am trying to round up a few people to do this with me. I read this poem that her children, these two lovely girls, have written and I sat and cried for a while. BTW I don't know what the fuck is up but I can weep at the drop now. Anyway so I don't know anyone here so I emailed my meetup group and one person responded which might seem like nothing but I am truly grateful. I understand people are always busy esp ones with kids and jobs and so that's all right. The place I would prefer to hold the registry is at this temple here since it attracts a bunch of Indians and that would be the best match for a fellow Indian. You should watch this video in which Nalini speaks and she is elegant and lovely. I was praying today evening and I thought of her. I never do that even though multiple times people in trouble have said: keep me in your prayers. It always seemed like a 'line' but I think I understand what that means now.

A send me a link today. Turns our Adoor Gopalakrishnan is speaking at the Uni! How strange was my first thought. But needless suprise. Everyone knows everything now. A film maker from Kutty Kerala in Chicago. Nice! I couldn't explain how exciting this is! The last time I was excited about a director was Herzog at IU and that was a good talk. I love most of his movies that I have seen and I hope it's a good evening! Remember Mathilukal? :)
More on that later.

Things worth mentioning

Did I tell you I love, LOVE my bathroom? I have never had a bathroom this lovely in my whole life. I have seen nice ones in resorts and hotels but I am too suspicious of..diseases and infections to get into the tub, I know it's a lil weird because the same logic applies to an apartment with previous owners. But this one I can scour to my heart's content, at least with bleach and other infection ridding podis.

So anyway when we first saw the apartment I instantly loved the bathroom and this little story came to mind. It was around the time a certain Gilbert released her book and then the movie came and everyone said, oh the book is so much better. I thought, of course, classic line. But I saw the movie and hated it. And I love Julia R but I still didn't care much for it. Soul searching in exotic places. Okay then.
Then my aunt with whom I was staying for a few days said, she loved it. I didn't say anything because when someone says they loved something why pour on their sunshine. But she asked- Did you like it? So I said, um no.
And she said, well you know, you have to be maybe fourtyish and have cried on a few bathroom floors to understand.
I took away from it: the bathroom crying part. This is like a perfect crying bathroom. I can be on the floor and wail if I so wish.

Yesterday while assembling something, of course it ended in a fight and I made a dramatic exit thinking, fuck him, I wont say anything and for a good measure I slammed the bathroom door shut and it made a "shssh" sound. One of the joys after a fight is a door that slams real loud kind of making up for all the below the belt things you didn't say. I will just have to resort to banging a few steel plates in the sink. I remember when my mum did that, I would always think, oh lord, I will never do THIS. I will always engage in peaceful conversations that result in practical solutions. Yeah? Screw 15 yr old righteous me. And mum, please bang away.

Did I tell you Amma paid me the best compliment she ever has in my whole living existence? Yeah! This was in Turkey and it was just both of us at lunch. I wish to all the gods that my father had been there! She said, "You are like the son I didn't have. I would go anywhere with you with the same confidence as I would go with a boy."
I know it's a little out there. You know? But I will take it and hug it and remember it forever! I mean I am probably going to have to wait another 20 yrs for another compliment unless of course I publish my brilliant book and Malayalam tv channels clash around to interview me-which is her version of my success. Yup.

In other news, it looks like I am going to have to assimilate some kind of practical skill. Like Adobe or Quark Express or whatever the hell that these jobs ask for in a sly way. It's kind of like: we prefer this but it's ok if you dont have it but no, not really. You MUST have it. :/

I wish I could do some kind of cooking internship. I would be so happy to just cook, write and read my books!

Oh also RIP Roger Ebert. I usually just read Anthony Lane because somehow I remember him first when I want to check something but I found this wonderful interview and I could relate to so much in it. Given half the chance, I wouldn't throw out anything. Last year A made me throw so many un worn dresses, shoes, bags. Some kind of -if it hasn't been used for more than a year rule. And also: books! Which I didn't though. I asked Abigail to keep it in her basement, I will return for them sometime. And I actually will.

I have a beautiful new book shelf, even though it's Ikea :/ Once I have filled it, A asked me to wait for him too, so once I do I will show you gaiz a photo.

Books Feb-March

Been a while since I did the books post, and yes I have been reading a bit.

P got me With or Without You by Domenica Ruta for my bday. Well, she asked what I wanted and the choices were between this and How to be a Person and I picked this. I just finished it a few days ago. Initially I couldn't warm up to it mainly because I always had this suspicious notion about memoirs and people who write them before a certain age. I don't know why I was being a prick about it but then I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed and I just wanted to weep forever and that is precisely what happened. I happened to read it when mum was around and whenever I read a gorgeous passage about the mother-daughter relationship, I would underline it and later read it to her. More importantly although I don't need a reminder, it became one, of how lucky I am to have my mum around and how she isn't sick and more or less healthy and how she is only a call away.

Cheryl waited a while to write it and I don't think in any interview she has answered why she waited or rather no one has asked her. But somehow in my judgey judgerson mind it seemed an appropriate age to write a memoir. Ruta however is only thirty but age doesn't matter here because her story is compelling, perhaps familiar to a lot of folks here but astonishing for me. I frequently went, I can't believe a mother can be like this!
Which I suppose is the point. In the beginning what annoyed me was the author's tendency or it seemed to me, to portray herself as cute/ quirky/ eccentric or whatever the childish version of that is. A sort of a I -was-wronged syndrome which I could easily identify with because I have often played the same martyr's role. Of course I was wronged but people tried hard to rectify it too and so now I just need to get the fuck over it already. And I have. But Ruta never quite manages to with her mother. The estrangement seems to last forever and this is almost a kind of homage paid to her, a letter to her mother. I wouldn't say it's a must read, but it's worth the time. If you have ever felt like you were doing everything you possibly could to please your mother and still falling short somehow then you will like this sad book.

The other one I read is also a daughter's memory of her father. EM Radha, daughter of EMS writes about her father in 'Makkalude Ormakal", Memories of a Daughter. It is in malayalam and therefore took me a while because it isn't in anyway a simple language, at least not the way she writes. There is a lot of background stories from his days underground, but mostly it's about how she tries to make peace with the fact that her father couldn't be simply a father to her but because of the force of his personality and work, it is an adjustment, a sacrifice they all make. There are a lot of references to the political scene in Kerala and the growth of the communist party and his rise to the position of chief minister. Her mothers slow derangement, her relationship with her siblings and so on. It really is a fascinating read especially if you are interested in Kerala politics in that time period.

I just started Dubliners yesterday. I had such a fear, that is the apt word, for James Joyce or Jimmy Joyce, as Naipaul would :D, after failing at Ulysses and Finnegan's wake- both seemingly unreadable but I am sure it is my own failing, lack of concentration, pre meditated conviction that it is unreadable etc.
But. But Dubliners. I am so 'spellbound' by these stories. I have no idea how it is possible that it is the same author but the magic in these short stories is breathtaking. My favorite kind of a story is the one that implies everything without the slightest tinge of effort. And if you read this one you will know what I mean.

Here is an essay by Strayed which will be a good place to start before reading the book.

And one of my favorite passages from the essay, " WE ARE NOT allowed this. We are allowed to be deeply into basketball, or Buddhism, or Star Trek, or jazz, but we are not allowed to be deeply sad. Grief is a thing that we are encouraged to “let go of,” to “move on from,” and we are told specifically how this should be done. Countless well-intentioned friends, distant family members, hospital workers, and strangers I met at parties recited the famous five stages of grief to me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I was alarmed by how many people knew them, how deeply this single definition of the grieving process had permeated our cultural consciousness. Not only was I supposed to feel these five things, I was meant to feel them in that order and for a prescribed amount of time."

I saw a movie

I needed a break from applying for internships I probably wont get, so I watched a Malayalam movie. While ultimately it was disappointing, it did have a lot of moments that needed to be thought over. So. Spoiler alert- if any of you are planning to watch and I highly doubt you will, the movie is called Akasmikam which loosely translates to- Accidental.

It starts off interesting, a couple with the woman pregnant at 40, played quite nicely by Swetha Menon. Siddique as this moshakodan husband. Non malayalees, feel free to guess what that means. And their son-a hormonal teenager. So it's basically what happens with the son. The son has a friend, another horny boy.
They attend a malayalam tuition class because you know it's not enough that you are living in the state of your origin and can speak fluently but since no one has any time to tell you epic stories, you go for tuition. There the boys meet a girl- a small thing really. Barely 14 ish, portrayed very innocent, all patu pavadai and stuff- quite annoying.

The boys go to an all boys school so they are very fascinated by women and bodies. There is a lot of porn exchange going on apparently smuggled from the respective fathers. Titled- MILF and what have you.
Jagadhy plays the father of the school and here begins my problem. Jagadhy is shown as possibly gay but it's a cutesy gay-you can tell by the kind of background tone that plays when he is flirting with the boys. I just did not feel like that was the right way to go about portraying gays. Its so misleading for so many reasons. First off usually it is never as innocent as shown because of the nature of our fucking society. There is a lot of sexual abuse that goes on unrecorded and unspoken. And the more we try to shove it under 'cutesy tones and funny gestures' the more it will remain so. Young boys will not speak up for a variety of reasons-shame, scared, being teased etc. Secondly, in a country like India and more so in a society like Kerala where there is still so much antipathy to gays, its high time you stepped up in movies and ended these bullshit scenes which is the only way we seem to want to handle gay characters. It is some kind of blindness, as though by making them unreal or funny we can heave a collective sigh of relief. Like, oh look, gay people are not soo bad, they are cute! How could cute be bad? This was my problem with that highly annoying movie- Dostana-too. Ugh.
Jagadhy of course did his part super well.

So the dramatic arc begins with the girl visiting our boy in his house. He panics because his parents are out, only grandmother home. I could totally understand his predicament even though it seemed a tad exaggerated. There is just no safe space for boys and girls to mingle and just be..normal or themselves. There is so much doubt and 'why is she coming home, eda?' kind of questions from parents that I wasn't surprised with this boys reaction at all. His father comes suddenly home with a friend to vellam adi -get drunk--and the boy decides to hide the girl in a Godrej almirah!!
His father sends him to buy soda so he can adichu fit aval in the afternoon hours. :/ When the boy returns he finds that he has lost the key to the almirah. And blah blah panic, fear etc.

What is amazing is at no point does the boy think-let me tell my parents. Instead he turns to his equally dim witted friend and together they hatch stupid plans. This is the reality that the movie showcases really well but tapers off in the end when all is well. Good ol grandma had seen the hiding and had let the girl out. All the panic was for nothing. Grandma has bad memory so she forgot to give almirah keys back and then it is all all laughter and walking through green fields where there is sufficient peace of mind apparently. But where the movie fails is in the end it doesn't address even for a second the most important q that begs to be asked. Shouldn't  the parents have asked: Dude, why the fuck didn't you come to us, man? Or in other terms.
but they are all like: haha, you are such a silly boy.

And I thought: huh? Someone ask him what the hell he would have done had the girl died in there? But nope.It was such a clear stepping back from accountability and responsibility and how parents had failed and it's like the pink elephant in the room! Or the fact that why did he have to hide her in the first place? Why couldn't he have been like, oh hey, this is my house, come sit, have some chaya. Why did he panic about his parents finding a girl in the living room.
Why why.

Sigh.

Disappointing.

The April Poem

599

Emily Dickinson

There is a pain—so utter—
It swallows substance up—
Then covers the Abyss with Trance—
So Memory can step
Around—across—upon it—
As one within a Swoon—
Goes safely—where an open eye—
Would drop Him—Bone by Bone. 

New Crap

So I have a lot of new crap. I mean I am just saying that, I am truly delighted to be the owner of material possessions.
Except it comes with worries like : Oh, I need home insurance!! Oh I need to keep things clean. Earlier while living in serial killer's basement there were no such worries. Screw the dirt, the dust, dump everything everywhere. TBH, I am a fairly tidy person. I keep my clothes, bags, shoes organized. Book-most definitely, yes! But now I am an extra tidy person! Anyway, I love the new apartment. I can see the Hancock tower/ observatory which is a big deal I am guessing since everyone is very excited about this place. I just don't understand this craze for the skyline view. I nod along when someone oohs and aahs over it but really I would prefer some boring nice trees any day. I also can't muster much enthusiasm for top of the tower views. Okay, lot of lights and the cars look like ants.. Now? And I noticed this time in Istanbul, I went to the Galata Tower and there was a lot of hustle and bustle and it was sunset and no one was looking at the sunset but clicking gazilion pictures. While I will admit to being a non stop click-er of photos but mostly people and faces, I was quite surprised at how no one seemed to even pause a second to look at the actual sun set. I took two customary shots and they were bad. Maybe because they have fascinating cameras because they were all lugging big ones. I admit I glared/ snarled nastily when someone pushed me as I pondered "deep meaningful thoughts" in a corner. :/

So THE APT: There is lot of space for A and I not to be in each others way which right now is a very good thing because we are at each others throats all the time. The moving,U-hauling, unloading, assembling is clearly bringing out the worst in us! :/ who ever thought furniture could lead to so many fights. But somehow the fights get personal. It becomes- you are this kind of a person which is why this doesn't work, and you- you are blah blah. And so on.
For some reason A is also suddenly losing things everywhere! He lost his CTA pass and those little buggers are expensive and then he lost his wallet! Thankfully the grocery store man was an honest man who kept it away and he found it. So well.
But tomorrow is Easter and I am hoping to put all the unnecessary, well not exactly entirely unnecessary, jostles and jolts aside and make a decent lunch and now that our internet is set up, we can watch a movie-maybe.

Next week on I will start applying for internships and submitting. So not looking forward to that but you got to do what you got to and so on.

And meanwhile: we are saving 10bucks every month on condoms :D

There never was any innocence

When people/adults stumble into the sexual lives of their children/ younger generation and find themselves "confuzzled" often there is a reference made to the "good old days of innocence" which just makes no sense ever to me. Like to when exactly are you referring? Maybe a three year old? Even that is hard to understand because I have seen three year olds rub themselves at the edges of chairs and on pillows and so on. I remember some of my most not- innocent states as when I was a child and feeling horny-there is really no better way to put this- and not entirely sure what to do with it.

I will let you in on a small secret now.

So it so happened that when we were young our summers were always in our ancestral house, sprawling with people, cousins, visitors etc. And because of this reason the elders were always careful to keep one eye, sometimes both eyes on children. Girls and boys playing too close was frowned upon. I still remember we invented the dark room game, of course we didn't invent it because other children across everywhere were also inventing similar games at same time periods. So in dark room basically everyone is shut in a room and then you count till a certain number and then you just start wildly groping! Whoever you 'catch' becomes the next 'it'. What you are supposed to win or do or whatever was never quite clear. You can see where this is going.

So somehow the elders discovered our happy grope and put an end to it! Now. I was never really into any of the boys, they seemed silly and largely ignorant. I was however into a girl. And this became my first sexual encounter and it continued for years from when we were say 12 to a the ripe old age of 22.
What now seems funny though is the fact that these elders were always so careful to keep boys and girls apart that it never once occurred to them to keep an eye on some girl and girl action! Ha. This makes me very happy and victorious!

I won't go into the specifics of it since it really doesn't mean much anymore but she was my first kiss, the first person I saw naked and I did love her a lot. And her body was a huge comfort  and source of excitement and together we were happy and gleeful and charged and dizzy to discover everything that could be done then and it left us a little less confused.

The funny bit however is that even though every summer I knew what would happen with her was a given and I did have a boyfriend at some point, it never occurred to me that whatever was happening with her could be factored into cheating on said boyfriend. If anything the boyfriend was the secret that needed to be  kept from her because after all I was with her for a decade and he was just the newcomer. But she did find out. I had a few... 'love bites'-oh lord!' and she, she looked shocked and mumbled something and that was the end of that. We never speak of it since then. Of course she went onto get married and have a child and all that. There have been a few more girls since her but nothing that meant anything.

I have wondered if I am gay, but then I love the male body just as much as the female. Once my friend told me, pick a side! and I thought, do I really have to pick a side? But I suppose I did pick one by getting married. Often I am attracted to a girl. And not in a "she is cute, I have a crush' -I don't think I should be allowed to say crush anymore!--way but more like a startling, I want to kiss this girl on the mouth, but then I feel that occasionally about a few men too.  Although these days I never meet anyone since I am holed up and mostly just in the company of books. Well, I digress.

What I am coming to is that there really isn't such a thing as the "innocence of children' at least not sexually. There is always some form or some avenue through which children explore their sexuality and except for the angle of safety I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

Read this article from where all the pondering came from.
Of course I am not denying the other angles to this: the peer pressure, and the giving it away because you think that is the only thing you have on offer but somehow these things seem to have other roots to consider.
For e.g in the article states that children were having oral sex in order to move up some kind of imagined/real social ladder and I am sure there is some truth in that. Although it seems vastly different from my growing up period where not to named a slut was the ultimate goal even as you scratched itches. But see this is exactly how it is. This seems a bit alien to me; the fact that school children have sexual ladders to climb but I make my peace with it. Because even though sex as a performance came for me much later, for these kids, its arrived in a different form perhaps and earlier. And while it's not to be encouraged there is also no running away from it.

I really don't have any conclusion to offer or any kind of statement to make.
Except that I feel sorry for children sent away to psychologist's office to find out "what is wrong with them" and therapy, really? For oral sex? Christ!!  I really feel like it's time parents had some kind of pysch help with understanding the sex lives of children and how normal it is to feel horny! To what extent this kind of shaming will affect kids remains to be seen. And I am sure, I AM FUCKING SURE that the boy in these scenarios will go away scot free, no pych visits  no what- the- fuck -is wrong with you, nothing.