sometimes? i cant beleive we happened.
that you are that guy and then i have to look at pictures,zoom in!, close attention to fingers, shirt collars,watch,dimples and then am back.
These days i forget your face and it annoys me so.
how can i forget your face..
i love your face.
but constant proof is tiring, i know its just a little more but this whining about it sort of makes it easier, you know how it is, the whole divert attention thing..
There is really nothing you could more. patience, attention, support, you do it all.
makes it harder.
am running out of things to complain about.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Bend in the Road
I have missed my flight and am sittting here in the airport annoyed and too tired to fight. only here they close the gate 60minutes prior to departure,one WHOLE hour,but this shall also be a lesson to tone down my last minute waltzes into the airport.
This is a vent it out post. I am being a bore. an utter and complete bore.
I have always had this thing for reality, i cant buy or wear those rose glasses. but now am wishing it a little less. i like stability, less chances and risks. is that so bad? does that make me passion-less, i do want to help, contribute make a difference. but am also of the beleif that one person cant do so much, there should be allotment.
well if we all did our share the world would be a better place. right. and we dont want that. so i am happy with the small differences il make. i can adopt a baby, i can volunteer at the palliative unit at the cancer wards.
these are things that have a sure definite ending. i like to know results. in absolute terms. i like to hear that so and so has benefited. i really dont want to change mental make up s and change the way people think. thats not me. but i get it.
it could be you. but what if its not. what if u become one of those frustrated proffesors. i cant say that too can i? cos then it becomes about my craving and need for perfection.. i really want to be supportive of your choices, but when i know not for sure of course, but when i know how difficult it gets how can i willingly send you along.
i am not the big person. i dont have such a large heart. i am selfish and mean and i want to be happy at the end of the day.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Shake Hands
My first ever one year anniversary is coming up. i am very proud of me.
one whole year.
this feels good.
one whole year.
this feels good.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The come back of a traveller
I think you dont fall in love just once and i dont think there is just this one person.
there is a right person.
Indeed.
one that can be more blind than the rest to faults, one who does keep you first even if you dont really see it, one who trusts you enough to take your word.
so there is always second and perhaps more chances..
sometimes you miss the moment with one person, and later when you look back it seems the biggest loss ever.
maybe the sex, maybe the passion or maybe the whole oh so perfect getting along.
but then its gone. someone else has taken up the territory, and you mourn the losses and bad judgement.
but thats ok. there is more to come.
and once in a while they do come along.
you might think this is it and try, for them,who have the power to bring on the water works, whose pain you want to take away, no matter what it is,you are willing to try like never before, you take your vows and your oaths, it doesnt matter how the rest sees them, doesnt matter the conflicting views, you can just feel it, and the moments go by sometimes wordless,silent, somtimes painful, intricate.
you are in.
you love for reasons ,without caution, you hear this vague thought in your heart that wants to show you shattered into a million pieces-just in case but you dont go there. you take desperate measures not to go there. you dont want to step there.
how does it matter you ask in those minutes between sleep and uneasiness.
you can feel it.. its there. heavy and silent, unseen of course but you can still feel it.
when they come down crashing ,you go too.
there are no two ways about. they hurt you and its inevitable. there are no realisations of "yes i saw it coming"
you dont want to acknowledge it.
sulk.cry. whine. move on.
you know the routine.
you add "dont get attached, dont travel to places with no come backs"
but this one. this next one. this is different.
what is your excuse? " its not just soul selling the soulmate line, the heart is in too!"
Happy traveller.
there is a right person.
Indeed.
one that can be more blind than the rest to faults, one who does keep you first even if you dont really see it, one who trusts you enough to take your word.
so there is always second and perhaps more chances..
sometimes you miss the moment with one person, and later when you look back it seems the biggest loss ever.
maybe the sex, maybe the passion or maybe the whole oh so perfect getting along.
but then its gone. someone else has taken up the territory, and you mourn the losses and bad judgement.
but thats ok. there is more to come.
and once in a while they do come along.
you might think this is it and try, for them,who have the power to bring on the water works, whose pain you want to take away, no matter what it is,you are willing to try like never before, you take your vows and your oaths, it doesnt matter how the rest sees them, doesnt matter the conflicting views, you can just feel it, and the moments go by sometimes wordless,silent, somtimes painful, intricate.
you are in.
you love for reasons ,without caution, you hear this vague thought in your heart that wants to show you shattered into a million pieces-just in case but you dont go there. you take desperate measures not to go there. you dont want to step there.
how does it matter you ask in those minutes between sleep and uneasiness.
you can feel it.. its there. heavy and silent, unseen of course but you can still feel it.
when they come down crashing ,you go too.
there are no two ways about. they hurt you and its inevitable. there are no realisations of "yes i saw it coming"
you dont want to acknowledge it.
sulk.cry. whine. move on.
you know the routine.
you add "dont get attached, dont travel to places with no come backs"
but this one. this next one. this is different.
what is your excuse? " its not just soul selling the soulmate line, the heart is in too!"
Happy traveller.
And
And on a brighter note, i met a guy who doesnt know the full form of an NGO and to make matters brighter this is exactly his line " and mate, what the fuck is an ngo? you work for weird places allright"
I bet he thinks its some Multi national conglomerate.
I bet he thinks its some Multi national conglomerate.
Of Age and Wisdom
You know that feeling? when your family is happy and not fighting? that warm, gooey,mushy sort of feel?
where you sit on a couch and you are glad just to be there? even if your dad is narrating the lamest joke ever and you are still laughing cos you are there.. you are in that moment where the world doesnt seem such a bad place after all and even all your moms lectures about excessive beer drinking-11 o clock waking-no gymming routine doesnt get you yelling repeatedly " its my hols my break!"
Here. now. i am very happy. their fights have reduced to very silly things. that make me wonder how old they really are.
for eg: he says how his best friend whined to him about married life issues. she says :like what.
he says :the friend's wife thinks the friend is cheating on her.
she gets annoyed.
i wonder why.
she wonders why this friend has to reveal so much information. she doesnt like it.she asks : what did you say, she is digging in deep. i wonder at his patience.
he repeats the advise he gave the friend " its your wife. if she is suspicious you must have given her reason to beleive so " and then he gives more advise, he tries a romantic angle " if the wife is snooping it just shows she cares and that is good!"
she is not happy. she doesnt like the advise he has dished out. she repeats : you should not be allowed out alone in social situations.
he doesnt approve of that. he whines. she is happy now. she likes the whiny him better. she likes his dependence. i understand. i dont have to. but i do.
i wonder again about their age and the wisdom that comes with age.. i wonder about parenting.
but who am i to really say anything
i am never just of the right age.
sometimes i am too old to be " acting this way" and most other times " i am too young" and should be thus protected from evil talk and the bad, hungry world.
i repeat
how old are they?
but they are the good guys. they have had patience with me. they have tried hard not to be too interfering. they have stood right at the line, almost toppling over in their eagerness to part with well meant knowledge, they taught me content for a while and then at the right time, taught me greed.
they confused me pretty decently with sudden bouts of interest and sometimes long bouts of complete indifference. but its ok.
they had their life and sometimes i just rented a room in there but they loved me neverthless.
I am happy. that warm ,mushy blah blah.
where you sit on a couch and you are glad just to be there? even if your dad is narrating the lamest joke ever and you are still laughing cos you are there.. you are in that moment where the world doesnt seem such a bad place after all and even all your moms lectures about excessive beer drinking-11 o clock waking-no gymming routine doesnt get you yelling repeatedly " its my hols my break!"
Here. now. i am very happy. their fights have reduced to very silly things. that make me wonder how old they really are.
for eg: he says how his best friend whined to him about married life issues. she says :like what.
he says :the friend's wife thinks the friend is cheating on her.
she gets annoyed.
i wonder why.
she wonders why this friend has to reveal so much information. she doesnt like it.she asks : what did you say, she is digging in deep. i wonder at his patience.
he repeats the advise he gave the friend " its your wife. if she is suspicious you must have given her reason to beleive so " and then he gives more advise, he tries a romantic angle " if the wife is snooping it just shows she cares and that is good!"
she is not happy. she doesnt like the advise he has dished out. she repeats : you should not be allowed out alone in social situations.
he doesnt approve of that. he whines. she is happy now. she likes the whiny him better. she likes his dependence. i understand. i dont have to. but i do.
i wonder again about their age and the wisdom that comes with age.. i wonder about parenting.
but who am i to really say anything
i am never just of the right age.
sometimes i am too old to be " acting this way" and most other times " i am too young" and should be thus protected from evil talk and the bad, hungry world.
i repeat
how old are they?
but they are the good guys. they have had patience with me. they have tried hard not to be too interfering. they have stood right at the line, almost toppling over in their eagerness to part with well meant knowledge, they taught me content for a while and then at the right time, taught me greed.
they confused me pretty decently with sudden bouts of interest and sometimes long bouts of complete indifference. but its ok.
they had their life and sometimes i just rented a room in there but they loved me neverthless.
I am happy. that warm ,mushy blah blah.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Quote
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
Free Freeze Frozen
Time is definitely stagnant right now. same ol motions and notions. same old shakes and shivers.
ok the latter i dont know what that means!
and when someone asks me hows it going, all i say is same shit,different day,dear.
i cant even say that well! just like i cant say "you go girlfriend"
it will be 8months by december.
i am sure in some civilization its a crime, punishable offence and i am no longer that person who says "oh well its allright, we are good, etc"
we are good actually, we get by. we rarely fight, and we are beginning to be boring.
The best friend says Thats alright. you just have to meet, be all over each other and its settled.
is it. really?
there is something about time lines that make all this easier.
see that end point? thats your finishing line.
now you cant really move it, that would be like running in a moving bus, so that you can get there faster.
you got to wait and out yourself through it. think of good times and lines.
look ahead. well in this case, i am just going to be a married bachelor so i am not going to be looking that far ahead.
does it get worse.
it probably does. lets all cross fingers for me.
ok the latter i dont know what that means!
and when someone asks me hows it going, all i say is same shit,different day,dear.
i cant even say that well! just like i cant say "you go girlfriend"
it will be 8months by december.
i am sure in some civilization its a crime, punishable offence and i am no longer that person who says "oh well its allright, we are good, etc"
we are good actually, we get by. we rarely fight, and we are beginning to be boring.
The best friend says Thats alright. you just have to meet, be all over each other and its settled.
is it. really?
there is something about time lines that make all this easier.
see that end point? thats your finishing line.
now you cant really move it, that would be like running in a moving bus, so that you can get there faster.
you got to wait and out yourself through it. think of good times and lines.
look ahead. well in this case, i am just going to be a married bachelor so i am not going to be looking that far ahead.
does it get worse.
it probably does. lets all cross fingers for me.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Bed time visitors
you remember pied piper of hamelin? My grandfather introduced me to him. just as he did, Rumpelstilitskin and oddly Rasputin too.
but pied piper was just a story of broken dreams, false promises, and disaster.
depending on the version two children were left behind, one deaf and one lame.
The deaf followed outa curiosity and the lame one couldnt catch up, and the town had just these two children left.
why was i told pied piper as a bed time story?
what happened to cheerful bed time stories.
maybe i can contribute this to my list of childhood trauma!
but pied piper was just a story of broken dreams, false promises, and disaster.
depending on the version two children were left behind, one deaf and one lame.
The deaf followed outa curiosity and the lame one couldnt catch up, and the town had just these two children left.
why was i told pied piper as a bed time story?
what happened to cheerful bed time stories.
maybe i can contribute this to my list of childhood trauma!
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Morning Birds
This twitter is a funny place.
i decide to block this guy who started following me, painstakingly with my very slow internet i wait for his page to open, and while am at it, am thinking why am i blocking this guy again? i have barely anything up on twitter, and its not like my "i drank chai, i am considering switching phones" updates be of any catastrophical consequences to anybody.
so i opt to say no.dont block him.
and twitter says " dont want to block him? yeah ?you guys are cool?"
sure we are cool.
i decide to block this guy who started following me, painstakingly with my very slow internet i wait for his page to open, and while am at it, am thinking why am i blocking this guy again? i have barely anything up on twitter, and its not like my "i drank chai, i am considering switching phones" updates be of any catastrophical consequences to anybody.
so i opt to say no.dont block him.
and twitter says " dont want to block him? yeah ?you guys are cool?"
sure we are cool.
Friday, July 3, 2009
What makes it all tolerable.
CLOSING TIME: Leonard Cohen
Ah we're drinking and we're dancing
and the band is really happening
and the Johnny Walker wisdom running high
And my very sweet companion she's the Angel of Compassion she's rubbing half the world against her thigh
And every drinker every dancer lifts a happy face to thank her
the fiddler fiddles something so sublime
all the women tear their blouses off and the men they dance on the polka-dots
and it's partner found, it's partner lost
and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops:
it's CLOSING TIME
Yeah
the women tear their blouses off
and the men they dance on the polka-dots
and it's partner found, it's partner lost
and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops:
it's CLOSING TIME
Ah we're lonely, we're romantic
and the cider's laced with acid and the Holy Spirit's crying, "Where's the beef?"
And the moon is swimming naked
and the summer night is fragrant with a mighty expectation of relief
So we struggle and we stagger down the snakes and up the ladder to the tower where the blessed hours chime
and I swear it happened just like this:
a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss the Gates of Love they budged an inch
I can't say much has happened since but CLOSING TIME
I swear it happened just like this:
a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss the Gates of Love they budged an inch
I can't say much has happened since CLOSING TIME
I loved you for your beauty but that doesn't make a fool of me:
you were in it for your beauty too
and I loved you for your body
there's a voice that sounds like God to me declaring, declaring, declaring that your body's really you
And I loved you when our love was blessed and I love you now
there's nothing left but sorrow and a sense of overtime
and I missed you since the place got wrecked
And I just don't care what happens next
looks like freedom but it feels like death it's something in between,
I guess it's CLOSING TIME
Yeah I missed you since the place got wrecked
By the winds of change and the weeds of sex
looks like freedom but it feels like death it's something in between,
I guess it's CLOSING TIME
Yeah we're drinking and we're dancing
but there's nothing really happening and the place is dead as Heaven on a Saturday night
And my very close companion gets me fumbling
gets me laughing
she's a hundred but she's wearing something tight
and I lift my glass to the Awful Truth which you can't reveal to the Ears of Youth
except to say it isn't worth a dime
And the whole damn place goes crazy twice
and it's once for the devil and once for Christ
but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights we're busted in the blinding lights, busted in the blinding lights of CLOSING TIME
The whole damn place goes crazy twice and it's once for the devil and once for Christ
but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights we're busted in the blinding lights, busted in the blinding lights of CLOSING TIME
Oh the women tear their blouses off and the men they dance on the polka-dots
It's CLOSING TIME And it's partner found, it's partner lost
and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops
It's CLOSING TIME
I swear it happened just like this: a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss
It's CLOSING TIME
The Gates of Love they budged an inch
I can't say much has happened since
But CLOSING TIME
I loved you when our love was blessed I love you now there's nothing left
But CLOSING TIME
I miss you since the place got wrecked By the winds of change and the weeds of sex.
A closed place
They refuse to get me a copy of End of the Affair by Graham Greene and Curious Incident of the Dog in the night time.I just want to keep it
in my book shelf.
its consoling to see all my books huddled up together, soon to be packed away in crammed boxes. I know i should sort them out and give them families, now i can see Garcia and Maugham unhappy together, but then on the other side, there is Anita Desai and daughter Kiran living harmoniously,peacefully and all this right next to the liqour cabinet, with bottles of whiskey lined up.
books and whiskey.
i like.
in my book shelf.
its consoling to see all my books huddled up together, soon to be packed away in crammed boxes. I know i should sort them out and give them families, now i can see Garcia and Maugham unhappy together, but then on the other side, there is Anita Desai and daughter Kiran living harmoniously,peacefully and all this right next to the liqour cabinet, with bottles of whiskey lined up.
books and whiskey.
i like.
When i want things to Rhyme
and the steps we take
the losses we make
the days of standing
at dusty window sills
watching people cry hoarse over romance and rain
mullling over pain
do i talk about all the fame to come
and undeserved gains
of silent crowds and the wait so lame.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)