Days ahead

So I had planned a huge easter lunch for me, boi and boi's friend. and then my back problem has cropped up again. Its always in the same place, just my lower back and I can barely move without arching forward and walking like my old dance sir. Its ridiculous pain and I hate pain killers cos I am scared of ulcers but finally it got bad enough that boi convinced me to take it. So I feel much better. But easter lunch is off cos I am working tomorrow and today everything was supposed to be marinated. I am sad.
This was supposed to be my big lunch before leaving types and its not going to happen.

I am making a list of doctors I need to see when I go to India next month since its so expensive here for you know, paranoid folks like me who need second opinions and long sessions with the doctor. So, dentist obviously! Yaay! I looouw dentist visits. Its been a year precisely so there is that. A gyanec visit. check everything out, do my pap smear and a vaginal exam and a breast exam. Again, exactly a year. A visit to the ENT to get my ears cleaned out. They are such a mess and I dislike Johnson's buds.  and finally to the general physician for you know usual bloodwork. I know some of you must be thinking what the hell, but the one's who know me for a while know this is just regular. Better safe right, than.. And in my case better paranoid and at ease than..

Totally looking forward to May. Boi is doing an internship so I am following him to San Fran. As of now its supposed to be a three day road trip and though I am a little worried, I am super excited too. It also means I can carry a lot of shoes and bags. I will be with him till June mid and then I will be off to India for my visa and happy with friends and folks time. I have already told amma we will be going to Calicut just to eat at that beach restaurant run by this lady who does this amazing thing where she stuffs mutton with chicken and that chicken with eggs. Its craaazies!
I am going to convince June to come to Kannur and then Telly! and I am going to let Lakshmi Chechi do anything she wants with my hair. All her hair oil and natural masks and all her lovely food. I am going to take her shopping too and buy her lovely colorful sarees and sandals and go have faloodas and see a malayalam movie with her cos you know she loves being spoiled that little lady.

This was supposed to be short. ;/ I wont spoil it but wait for the real deal! June in kerala is awesomeness esp if you plan on staying indoors a lot. Heavy heavy rains and an amma who is proud of me. It couldnt get better folks. 

Phone Dud

Hates.Hates.Hates phone conversations. Has the phone-phobia. Time and again have ignored people's calls and then text-ed them in about half an hour with claims of being in the loo. Wants to get rid of phone but worries of boi's safety and if he has reached the places he is supposed to reach makes me hold on to it.

Has ignored boi's calls in the long forgotten dating period. and when boi asks later has said confidently " yes. saw your call but decided to not pick up"
Boi obviously didn't understand. Boi must have thought, hmm,weirdo, but must have tried to get past it.

Hates how people fool me by calling from other numbers and me innocently picking up expecting admission and job offers. Now that, that's all done maybe its time to cut loose the phone. But here are the things making me hold on to it.

1. Sister's sad messages when she is in need of consolation's.
2. Like I said Boi's texts that yes, I am now safe and sound in my office.

3. June and P's happy nonsense and panicked stories and vague, unforseen moments of louw for me. :/

4. Mariya's " My baby is so adorable" " My baby wont stop crying" " Dont have a baby anytime soon or il kick you butt" and so on...

5. Amma in moods of love. calling me all kinds of lovey names. Achan's weird cryptic messages.

6. That's all. So what I need is something that doesn't ring but will send messages and has nice games mine doesn't.

Also I have put ring tones for different people so I know what evilness is calling when. I have also saved the spam numbers as I did in India with names like creep/jerk/thendy  but here they are horrendously large in  number and despite my best attempts I really dont know that many bad words. and having your phone ring saying Motherfucker isn't pleasant at all. I can say a lot of fuck and fuck you's but bringing mother into just makes me cringe, just as much as the word Bastard. I am saving these for the really horrid-horrid horridness I am bound to meet someday.

Yeah its ringing now! Joyce, Joyce its yelling! hmpffhhf. As I said evilness, not picking up obviously.
Also I sound foolish. FOOLISH on it. I have to call the ad.com at BU and I am writing down points to talk about so that I dont say anything stupid.
Once I wrote down things for boi and me to talk about just in case we ran out of things to say but safe to say, we didn't.

The tree outside

There is a tree outside my window. Sometimes when its really windy, some of its branches knock against the window. Its an eerily,calming feeling. Like its saying: Hello? Hello? All good in there? Are you both all cosy and comfortable under your blankets? Ivade, nothing much happening, just you know blowing with this stupid wind that wont stop...
Heh, Just my sad imagination on the loose here.

This tree has kept me company during the months of GRE and then through the writing and applying cos its where the dining table is and where I sit.

One of the lovely things about the amerigas is the seasons. Its all so prominent as opposed to I dont know, cochin? where the only prominence is the monsoon. so I love the fall colors and the spring gorgeousness and surprisingly  wasnt too impressed with the snow. It was a royal pain and slushy and I didnt even get that excited over it. Also, hate driving in the snow and ice. Hate the cold and the layering up and the boots and gloves and mittens and... you get the idea. But spring is perfect here, shorts and sandals. Sun and gym-ming. Walking without shivering.

so anyway, here is my tree in three seasons.

when I had just gotten here :

and then during the fall :

and then towards the end of winter there was this hail after a snow shower and ice crystals formed on the leaves! It was beautiful and I was glad boi didnt have to go out on those slippery roads. Uni shut down and people were stocking up food and the grocery store was crowded! Which is another thing, any kinda warning and these people run to the stores to stock up. I was thinking in an Indian household there is no such worries. If nothing we will have rice-dal and in my case fish, anyway, anyhow.


The ice-crystal-ed  branch:

Love
S

A short happy tale

I have always wanted to have a Mother in law who I would totally get along with. In that way I am quite easy to like, my friends mums have always liked me and I somehow find it easy to make conversation with them. and as for the MIL I wanted someone who I could genuinely like and not fake-like, which I end up doing with many of dad's sisters and other ammayi veshams. :/ They are honestly a pain in the ass, trust me even my tolerance levels cant stand them.

Anyway so a couple of ex bf's mum have also liked me much which was nice except of course when I broke up with them it wasnt pleasant at all, cos I felt terribly guilty and in one particular case I kept making excuses for this scum bag cos of his mum. Most most painful situation. Anyway I am quite sure she dislikes me now and well, I dont blame her entirely. Here is a lesson: Never meet your bf's mums till you are like sure-shuvar. Yeah. Dont. No matter how much they force you. yup. That is all  the wisdom I have to share on that for now.

Proceeding on, So when it looked like snoop's mum was finally going to be the MIL I was a little nervous. I had only seen her pictures and the day they were coming home I was quite a bundle of nerves but she made it so easy. she also told me that I was a very pretty girl ;p That helps you know.

Before leaving she told me not to call her Aunty anymore and to call her Amma. Yes, of course, those kind of things make me all gooey and warm inside. I am also a very silly girl. Though I did take some time calling her Amma, its kinda hard you know. I mean you have called this one person Ma,  all along and suddenly...

Surprisingly my own mum who is btw quite the jealous kinds about sharing my love- yeah!! so odd that, she hated my said ex-bf's mum, hated that lady calling me and so on- so this was very suprising for me. she totally took to snoop's mum and they got along pretty well.

So my MIL, mum and I were just hanging out when I was cochin waiting for my stupid visa and it wasnt odd at all, we had much fun having lunches and watching a horrible Malayalam movie :/

Initially I had a small fall out with her. Not in her face sorts, just a small unhappy feeling in my heart but that is all long gone so I wont get into it cos I kind of understand where that came from. I guess the reason we do get along is cos she has no control issues, she is happy just letting us be. Initially she was a little worried, I guess she needed to get to know me so I stayed over on weekends and did my two cents. and we talked much and when it was his dad's birthday we had our own small celebration, just the three of us. I cooked them a nice dinner and cut a chocolate cake and it was fun.

I tend to beleive that in most cases, at least in what I have seen, this is not a universal fact and I know its not true in many many cases but I tend to beleive that how a new family behaves to you largely depends on your attitude to them. Just you know try to remember that you are not there to conquer their son and family and change everything in a few days time because, you just know your way is the best!! Your way might be indeed the best but you are new and they dont know you.. so take it easy. :)

Snoop's mum thinks I am funny. and funnily enough I am! She laughs so much at my general nonsense! she told him once " yeah she just left, said lots of mandatharams and all ( foolishness)" :p

Also the thing is she respects my decisions to do what I want. she doesnt say annoying things like " what will you do with this MFA" or  "wouldnt this course be better?" she only asks to see my stories and during the time of applying she was always telling me " How its going to happen and if it doesnt we will try again.." which i absolutely adored about her. Snoop tends to be a little impatient with them which is normal I guess cos we are always short with our own family. whereas with my parents he makes more of an effort so I guess its a full circle. She likes hearing what we did, where we went and general ameriga stories which I always supply her with :)

ps; I just remembered something else to add. Also dont be all servile and subservient if that is not really you right from the start in that need to impress them. cos what you put forward first will be sort of expected from you there, on. so if there is something that you feel not right about, say it, tactfully. or as tactfully as you can. cos you see, if you start not being you just to please them soon you end up resenting yourself and them which is not fair to anyone!  Also if you have been all agreeable about every god damn thing right from the start, soon you wont know how to say no to them and also if they are not exactly nice peeps then there is a good chance they are going to exploit your fake/ real nice-ness. There you go.

So today I was just thinking I did after all get that MIL I wanted. :)

The Last minute magic

I havent been blogging about the MFA you know because I had to wait for a bit to let it sink in. Also I assumed you would all have read Boi's Post. If you havent here it is.

So yes! I finally got in. :) It was wonderful, amazing, quite unexpected- Only a tad, I had pretty much given up. So I was working on thursday night and I was just wrapping up and getting out when I got a call and since I had saved his number, it flashed merrily at me: Epstein calling. But before I could pick up it showed up as a missed call. I stood for a few agonizing minutes wondering if I should call back, or if he would again. I kept thinking how he would say very politely of course " Yes we have decided you need to work harder blah blah. we will keep any eye out for you next season".
Finally I gave in and called him, he said "Hey, I just called you, it got cut" I muttered some thing.. He said " can you hang on? I am on another call " :/ sure, why not! Meanwhile I shall give myself a heart attack.

Finally he came back on and said " S, we have decided to take you." Me, suprisingly calm, or into zen like mode as boi says " Oh that is wonderful news, thank you so much" as opposed to " whaaa? and other incoherent words.

He went on to say that he and his buddies had deliberated and he had told them that my most strong story was something he had never read so far. Thank you, Dev and Dev's father. He said my tuition is waived- fully! and that "with my heart in mouth" I am going to give you  T.A spot. yes, me too, heart in mouth my dear director.
He said, dont worry about anything, you are strong in your imagination and the rest, I am assured you can make up. Works for me.

So there it is. Finally its happening. I bet you are all relieved too, what with all constant, consistent whining happening here.

Here is a bit from my email with him "You know how enthusiastic I and the others are about your work. In some ways your imagination is unique. Certainly it is deep and special. I hope you'll say yes.
All good wishes"

Isnt that a lovely line? :) Anyway I have formally accepted and shall be starting this September and meanwhile I shall be focusing thoroughly on the sentence formation aspect of writing, something I have always ignored. 

And you guys, Thanks for all the lovely support for... a while now! To make up, I shall post many food pictures  :p

Love

S
Here is also an important fact : :p Epstein is also Jhumpa Lahiri's mentor. Who btw I am only a bit crazy 

about. Some of her stories are very creative and others just really well written. But sometimes I want to say: Just stop whining already! Well, who I am to talk really? With all my childhood and parent obsessed stories. 


Anyway! More, later.

The Two Sisters

Have I told you about my sister? Other than that I have one.. Probably not.She is a miniature version of me to look at and completely different from me in vocation/profession. She was always the brainy one, the one meant to carry my parents hopes and wishes and fulfill them when the first daughter failed to comply. I guess, V, never had much of a choice. Our parents brought us up very different. with me they placed very less restraints and made me do everything on my own. Well not so much made me as they forgot or you know it didnt matter or whatever their reasons are and then they werent too happy with the final result so they went a complete turn with my sister. Now this was hard because V was in her teens when they decided that their techniques hadnt worked with me so they needed to alter it but you know changing logic on a teenager isnt exactly pleasant.

Surprisingly, V put very less of a fight. I still wonder why. A guilty part of me thinks it has something to do with me. Our Mum pretty much drove it into her that "she was all there was left" :/ gawd! I told her so many times this kind of pressure on a kid isnt good. and even my dad who always told me to follow my heart changed his notions when it came to her and ultimately they all decided she was to be a doctor.

Apparently V had said long long back, in her tenth std that she wanted to become a doctor. I am sure she didnt think they would hold her to it. and sadly she went through some of the hardest period of time where my parents send her to coaching centers and then got her to take a year off and study harder when she didnt do well the first time! It was so painful because V would be constantly angry at everyone including herself for not able to say No. I couldnt interfere cos amma pretty much told me that I was to stay out of her "future" and I, to be honest was dealing with a creepy ex bf so I guess I just let it be. I probably should have tried harder to get her out of it. The thing is V, herself admits she loves her course, she loves studying and she knows this is the best career for her because it excites her but she hates her college and her classmates and I convinced her to break up with her dirt bag ex bf so she is pretty much you know...alone.. and that makes her very very grumpy and she throws monumental fits of anger and disillusionment.

so most of the time when I call she is sad and mopey with nothing to tell me and this makes me so so sad. V was always the most animated with me. she is quite the introvert and finds it difficult to make friends easily. but with me she has always been so happy with her silly stories and her high pitched giggles. I miss my happy sister. right now all I can do is keep telling her its only another two years and I promise to get her out of there this time..

I was listening to this Malayalam song about two sisters and I just had to write this. V was such a tiny thing when she was born that everyone thought she wouldnt make it. but she is quite the fighter that kid. Literally. All bones and muscle and can inflict much damage if you are fighting her psychically which I have many times

Before she was born I remember everyone wanted to you know,  not feel too jealous or anything which was stupid because I was never the jealous kinds, till very recently ie. and more than anything I was damn excited because they said I was going to have a sister to play with. Naturally I assumed she would pop out and we would head straight out to you know..play.. Just me and sister, hanging out.. and then they brought her out and my grand mum and me are standing in the hallway and grandmom, the one I adore, is holding this tiny thing and praying! and I am like: what are you kidding me? Is this it? when is this ever going to walk, let alone play with me!! < In other words>

As she grew up she turned out to be quite a pain in the ass. Extremely vociferous, picks fights with all neighboring kids, can inflict serious damage with hair pulling and morning tantrums! As I leave for school she will emerge wearing one little underwear ready to carry my water bottle till the auto stop and god, would she make a scene if she wasnt allowed and evenings she would be waiting up :) Quite the little charmer. Everyone loved how adorable she looked, motu and fair with curly hair..My parents were also kicked about her. she was studious and every evening at about seven she would sit down with all her books around her while I was busy watching cartoon network. and obviously amma would go : dont you have anything to study, look at V!

Yes look at V, so immersed in god knows what! Time and again I told her to stop "pretending" to study making all these issues for me! She was like "No echi I have lots of homework!"
Amma would go: what about your homework, s?

S always did her homework in the bus on her way to school :p and in some cases,you know, math she hurriedly copied it after assembly. So one day I decided to punish V. she was sitting, legs crossed and her books on the teapoy and reading out aloud. I told her " Hey V, got a minute?"
"Of course Echi" she came running. I locked her in the bedroom with me and switched off the lights and.. you know scared her! Told her that she was a little monster for making me look so bad and that the ghost in this room would get her now if she didnt promise to change. How she screamed that night! Needless to say it didnt go down too well with the parents. :/

So many many memories with her. I love her in a way that I sometimes think is only possible to love one's own child. But I have taken care of V, for so long..soo long between the many fights and issues at home that sometimes I feel she is my little kid.. I love you my little monster. 

My stop moping post

Resolution before I stop moping. As of today I am going to try and write with as less grammatical and punctuation errors as possible. Yes Mam. That is how you write Mam? Right? Aye! Hopeless, already.

Ok so as a start to the end of moping we shall talk about Vishu because its just two days away.

What is Vishu you ask?

"Vishu (Malayalam:വിഷു) is a new year festival celebrated in the state of Kerala, India. It is similar to the New Year festivals observed elsewhere in India like Baisakhi (Punjab), Bihu (Assam), Naba Barsha(Bengal), Bisu (Tulu Nadu region in Karnataka), (Vishuva Sankranti) in Orissa Puthandu (Tamil Nadu) and Ugadi in(Andhra Pradesh)"


So my childhood Vishu's were always in my dad's ancestral house.Every single one of them. The Grandmother I dislike would come around five in the morning and wake us up by wiping our eyes with little cold water. A practice I wasn't too fond of. And then we would go down the rickety stairs and somehow make it to the pooja room where "Kanni" would be kept. 


You want to see a kanni picture? Yes,I will oblige.

Its beautiful. Let me tell you. The previous day, Lakshmi chechi, our help of over forty years, would have made tons of unni appam. so soft, melt in mouth kind and then everyone who is older than you gives you "kaineetam" which is basically money. We judge the Uncles and aunties based on the monies they gave us.

My dad after I told him this became obsessed with giving the highest amount. GOD. To all other kids ie except me and my sister. I still annoy him with that piece of information. He laughs but I know he aint too amused. ;/


After that you are not allowed to go back to sleep which posed some problems for someone like me. and then they would say things like " Just this "ONE" day cant you not sleep" which in my rebellious stupid years made me want to even more. Yes, very pathetic. 


For lunch initially till I think my 8th std we used to have sadya. The works. About 6 to 7 curries and pickles and 2 payasams and all in the banana leaf and all of us kids would sit in the long verandha and wait to be served. and the adults in the dining room. but somehow over the years sadya lost its glamour and Lakshmi chechi, somehow, I am still not sure how convinced the grandmother to switch to, wait for it, Ney chor (ghee rice) and Mutton curry. 


Talk about happiness. Happiness that crawled across my face making me drool while waiting to do mutton samplers. :p


Snoop's mum and I used to have long chats when I was in cochin. After lunch types before we nodded off. So one day very happily I informed her what my vishu sadya was in thalssery. Haha. The look on her face was priceless. She came back quick though. :) 


My mum says its cos we used to see the evil grand mother 's face for kanni every year that we never made it big for a long time. I am very tempted to believe her because you know the year we stopped going there and doing our own vishu at home ( with my dad sulking of course) was a very prosperous year. 


And though I had tons of fun with cousins and the crowd those years I do think it was quite unfair that amma never got to do vishu her way for a long time.I mean I am quite pysched about making my own kanni this year with my husband of one year. I think of it as a very cosy small family affair. and obviously we shall continue the Mutton- Ghee rice tradition. Because you know good things should be passed on.  

Very Long, so long that

if you make it till the very end, i applaud your blogging skills. You haz skills.

So not completely out yet. Nor in.The story of my life but here is the problem. Even if in, i doubt i would go. I am going to write this saga here for a few reasons, one I should be able to come back some day and slap myself really hard for my stupid decisions, as in go over it  in agonizing detail and slap myself.

We have an astrologer back home. My dad is a biiig believer. My mom is not. Boi's Mum is a biggg believer. This man is very good, he gets many things right and i am not about to doubt someone's skills whether or not i believe it. In fact i do, a bit. so does the boi, a bit. when Mum went to him he said : yup admission, yes. yup baby, yes. But everything should happen before this April 30th.

How very convenient astrologer man. How VERY convenient. He said this is the best time for them to have a baby and times like this will not come again.

Really..my mum says. This is a biological process! sex for crying out aloud. not "good time" for building a house sort of time.. But you see I have the baby fever. whether or not astrologer is right I cant take that chance. I dont want to be telling myself this is all your fault for not trying especially after you were told so clearly. Nope.

So boi and I think allright, we will give this a shot. we forget Astrologer man's admission prophecy. and there we go, I get a call from Boston University which is only like what, my second choice? ha.

I think very highly of Leslie Epstein, he has been the director for over thirty years, he has mentored people like Ha Jin, Jhumpa Lahiri etc.

But you know life as we know in Hg's area never goes error free.  He says : loved your work, beautiful. compelling. "moved" me. I am happy. He says : Buuut. There were so many technical errors , misplaced commas. periods. I have read what a fanatic he is about such things and i am amazed that he even bothered reading. Anyway I assure him I can figure it out. He says he will call me back. In my further email correspondence with him he says this:

S

We just don't know what to do about you.
When I told the others you felt you could ABSOLUTELY fix your errors, one of them said, "But she says FEETS! How can you fix that?. It's basic English." I tend to want to bring people in with the biggest hearts. Yours is deep and mysterious. Such feeling! But my goodness, such writing!
We'll be deciding in the next few days. I'll let you know as soon as we do.
Should we say no, it's clear what you should do: work and work to conquer these problems, then reapply for the following year.
But I am rooting for you, though I am mystified at the same time. What a combination of imaginative strength and fundamental weakness. I have never seen anything like it.
We just don't know what to do.
Sorry for being so indefinite. You'll hear from us soon.

Leslie

This letter had me confused from the minute he send it. Even if i get through it makes me want to not go. Even though he says he is pulling for me I guess i dont know, i sense hostility perhaps from the other faculty? I could never survive in an environment of hostility. 

Harsh criticism yes sure. but i dont know. anyway.

Another interesting thing was, when I discussed this with the Fb Group they were all so offended at the tone of the letter. I admit it lacks tact. But I def feel his concerns were genuine and not patronizing at any point. I mean its a 1 year program and he is right, there is no time to teach me grammar!! which got me thinking if i was just being naive and the 20 or indignant people were right. or is it an American thing? To take offense so very quickly. 

Ps: When you finish reading please do tell me what you guys think.

So all this got me thinking and I realized that maybe after all I am not so bad at all. I like my stories but i have never quite thought too highly of them. Maybe its time i did. I feel certain that If i put in a little more effort and try again i would make it through some really good schools. Its just i am running out of time, baby making time and also .. Also i dont want to end up a failure. 

I feel like i am setting myself up to fail. See the way i see it. There are way too many of us out there writing and weaving writerly dreams. I do not want to end up thinking damn, i wish i had just found a job and wrote on the side.  which many other people assure me never works out.

i dont want boi to think, though he swears i am being just nasty now, that i made him do all the financial worrying while i happily went about spinning stories :/ 

Baby making is on hold. Job looking is on hold. writing new things is on hold. every fucking god damn thing is on hold. This confusion has to somehow end. I have pretty good GRE scores to do some other job-generating courses. I guess i could. Boi says he wont let me...oh boy. :(

Now i am just whining to myself. Also saying Fundamental flaws to myself again and again. Sounds like my mom. Maybe he is mom sending me disguised emails ;/ 

Amma btw said she is proud of me. Ha. I have never heard that one before. Her "proud of you" stds are so high i didnt think i would hear that in this life time. I am so sad. 

AAAgh

Dying. dying. will die. will die. In 6, 5, 4,3,2,1..Now.

Ok again. Loop repeat. This day should just die. or i should.

I might die. or not.

God. Please. PUhhhhhhlease. See i am using extra alphabets.I never do that. Ring phone, ring. Now. Ring.

;(

:(

Picking sides

I love me the best. Or at least i used to. I would pretty much pick me in any horrid situation. For many reasons which i wont get into because that would involve describing said situations which would make you all look at me in horror. ok so. Its the oddest feeling that i now love boi the best. From 2008 to now we have been together and from 2006 to 2008 we have been friends and i went from liking to finding him ridiculously funny and then adorable and cute to love and lust and friend and back to liking and all ranges of emotions. so its with quite a bit of trepidation, is the word i am looking for perhaps? that i realize that out of everyone and everything around i love boi the best and the most.

Its not that odd, only a little. Because I have always conditioned myself to believe that only parents can love you like that. Despite all faults, all failures and other monumental huffs and puffs only they can stick around. and in my case to a certain its true but i sense this feeling, that no one has quite loved me like the way boi does. I dont know if i could explain it. I probably would just come off looking silly so not attempting it. and also terribly selfish perhaps for i dont know picking sides!

That is all from the mush pot for today. 

So

All kinds of signs, folks. All kinds.


s

Making a few points

I have a few theories on what went wrong, with exactly two schools to hear back from, yes, two actually, Its not looking too good. At this point i shall even take a wait list, gladly so. Just to know i am not entirely on the wrong track. So the thing is though i am quite the pot of negativity, i cant seem to quite think that no, this is not for me. If nothing i am only analyzing further how to get it right the next time. That's right i am going to give this one more shot, not sure next year because that would be quite rushed and not to mention stupid. and also big drain in pocket.

Considering that the successful applicants this year are all the following

1. People who have taken years- about 2 to a range of 7 years, to work and fine tune their writing have got into some good schools

2. People who have thoroughly work-shopped their stories and got active feedback from other than well meaning friends and husbands ;o

3. People who are applying for the 2nd and 4th and 5th time and lo and behold, successfully this time.

4. And most importantly people who spend about 5 to 7 hours a day writing and re writing their pieces.

5. People who have been planning this for years unlike my few months before realization dawns, hurriedly edited out with boi;s help stories that are neither here nor there. I will gladly take that waitlist, yes sir.

More importantly i have a bigger problem at hand. Background. Though most schools say that your writing sample is all that takes, its not entirely true. Yes ultimately that is what gets you in. But once you are in a say 10 person shortlist for 6spots well pref is given to one, background- literature preferred. Cos apparently they have a more sure shot way of knowing you can keep up with the academics that way. and 2, GRE which i aced, so that is ok and 3, LOR which i definitely need to find new people to write them.
Since the program is fully funded the graduate school prefers to give the spot to someone filling all these criteria in the ten shortlisted people.

And lastly the stereotype problem. Apparently since writing fiction is ultimately like any other proffesion is about selling one is expected to sell him/herself. which basically for me means that being an Indian, i seem to be expected to write more Indiany stories. Not sure how to go about that now, as in how to make it more from the native land. The thing is though i love, love writing i understand why this is being said. A program takes you with the hope that you make it and thus make the prog look good. Many people in this MFA forum have complained about this bitterly. As in i remember this Nigerian who said he was expected to write about war and poverty and such and obviously that did not appeal to him. I completely understand. Its awful when something you have put so much into is dismissed by a proff for not being " authentic" is just disheartening. but some part of my common sense says do it. Just do it, till you are in and once you are in a better place write any goddamn fuckshit you want.

Finally i need to erase my MBA background once and for all. So i am thinking of doing an MA in English in correspondence and get that over with. I dont think i could afford a double masters in the amerigas without burning a serious hole in mine, boi's and everyone i know's pockets.

Not that those Indian-y stories are just rushing forward just waiting to be called out. I am still writing depressive shit about relationships and people and parents. :/ Its like i never get over it. Also the whole applying process is such a nightmare. Seriously, spreadsheets. numbers. dates. proffs- who teaches where. books. scores. fucking toefl. money that i dont have-anymore. other problems. deadlines. critical essays!! what are those! Teaching statements and by the time you apply to about 18 programs- that is right, apparently a successful applicant applies to 15 and more because the whole process being so subjective, you never know who likes you and who wants to kick your nuts and with so few spots- about 5 in each school with about 2000 applicants on an average any given year.... you see.

I need it. I have never needed anything this badly and i really feel in the bones that it will happen. I just hate the getting till there. Having to tell fucking dimwits why you want to apply to a writing program, what is a writing program, what do you do after that. Il sew curtains for my house.
and even worse people who say things like- oh cmon who doesnt get into an MFA. your ammayipan ie.

Yeah before i get all abusive, i shall get going. Bye loves.