I kick your Ass

Dear cancer,
ok, perhaps not so dear.

cancer,
You should by now know that i think a lot about you. of course with no real rhyme or reason.
its not even like you have visited my family or extended family that often except for that time when you kicked my grand dads prostate, well, except for that i agree we do have a pretty amicable thing going.
you must wonder though then why exactly i spend all that time lying awake, imagining you play havoc.
see, its just that there is too much stats about you. too much talk going on about your destructive capabilities. which leaves me a teeny weeny worried.
the thing is, i am very fond of things that you use, to claw your way in. but am trying allright?
i quit smoking a while back. as much as i like to pretend and be good at it, i did have one tiny ciggaratte a month back, but i shall try and pretend that it never happened and maybe you never even noticed. right?
so there is that.
out of geuinine fear i have kicked that habit. now you have left me with one less place to find solace. i do realise my exaggerations but what the hell. i am one vice less.
now there is my occasional whisky, and vodka. i try and not think about rum and coke and its wonderful calming properties. tequila is simply a word i recognise.
you do see what you are doing to me.
then there is all that sex. that i wont blame you.
That is purely me, you obviously have nothing to do with it. but since i dont trust you that very much i have got my pap smears and breast examined!
you know, just in case. so what am really trying to say is i am like one step ahead of you. you have been at it with your reccurring night mares and painting all those scary pictures but i am on to you!
and lastly, there is my meat.
i am not letting you take over that. i shall do all those yoga asanas and all that exercising, eat tons of green and still be a carnivore.

so all said and done let me just say that despite all this if you still intend on coming over, il kick your ass royally. i will not give up and il not let you take over.
so we good?
ok let me back to breakfast at tiffany's with my wine.
wine? yes,yes you heard right.

Irritating Facts of life

1. When people say " you know what? " and then look at "you" in anticipation and its not just enough that you look back eagerly, but you gotta say " yeah what?"
i will NOT.ask. you. what.

2. you clean up your entire flat each day. day in. day out. and then your father decides to scream about a lonely guitar occupying some little space on the 3 seater and your question of " are you going to be sitting on all the sofas at the same time?" is met with icy cold glares

3. which brings me to : people who play guitar shouldnt harbour hopes of well manicured french done nails.

4. Never reveal where exactly you are from, cos it leads to not-needed-at-all questions like this. ps: this can also be under " why you shouldnt go to work on holidays"
so i left my pen drive with all my scribbles that are supposed to be given in soon at my desk and so i go in today. its a holiday and i run in to tiny man with mole on upper lip who is glad to see me and who i think had visions of camaraderie. the kind that will go in to his secret diary hidden beneath his bed. ( call me paranoid if u will) bu there is something not-nice about him.
anyway.
he doesnt let me look for that elusive pen drive in peace but proceeds to harangue me about our similair backgrounds and his heartfelt liking for fish. "just like you" he declared.
i flip phone and pretend to talk on it. ( i am doing this a lot now)

5. Never tell your yoga instructor " yeah i can do that, i am very flexible" or " yeah that sit in an indian loo type asana"
why do i shoot my mouth off like this.
i am beginning to think its a disease.

Why I MIGHT never get promoted

So in order to be promoted ( eventually) ie, (no such hopes on the horizon for now) i should perhaps work?
seems reasonable?
ok. so today i get in early after a mighty struggle with that whole waking up thing, have coffee which i am usualy not too fond of and sit there,glum and staring at alex;s doughnut without realising till, he, uncomfortable offered it to me!
i have no story, no ideas and no inspiration and so he said let us head out and find some.
yeah like they are just wandering about, ready to fall into our eager hands. obviously my pessimism dint do much good cos soon we were at Second cup, drinking more cups.
All we saw for inspiration was a couple who looked like they were breaking up and being as jobless as we were, we tried to understand their "psyche", as he puts it. I am just in for the ride.
anyway. To make things worse, he declares, that it looks like "its her fault"
am like "why would you even say that! :
he says: just watch her? see how "nonchalant" she is.
To my eyes, she was playing with the ring on her finger, pulling it back and forth and looking away to a view that was pretty much, nothing, just the plain old mountains, and to me it looked like she was trying hard not to cry or maybe let it show.
if that is nonchalant, fine. we have a new definition.
of course these are all vague assumptions that two silly kids with no story are making.
for all you know maybe he is her vet and telling her, her dog is about to die.
anyway i shut Alex up with " so from your too much acne its obviously plenty clear that you dont wash your face enough"
that did it for a while.

Me to Me

If you are talking about unconditional love.
let me tell you right now.
there is no such thing.
there is love and right behind it there is the fine print.
go read.
(telling myself)

ps: it is fine by me. i mean, am trying for it to be FINE by me.

Inboxed -2

1. There are para normal activities happening in my flat. The flower stand i kept on the top rack of my kitchen was sitting in front of the kitchen door today and this is the second time this is happening.

2. kuttiness

3.you miss me cos u are surrounded by haryanvi speaking clowns but i guess something is gotta pitch my price 8d.

4. can i come now? the fish curry is getting cold.

5. The guy wants to cook dinner for me. i feel privileged.

6. bertie? haha what a name. farty berty berty farty. you sure that is his name?

7.if we book our tickets now it l cost us 18 to go to istanbul

8.can you? i am in the middle of a very heated argument titled "looks matter". if itsnt trouble SEND NOW.

9.I miss sex

10. i wont. that ass will trace me out. bloody stocker. ( she meant stalker)

11. much better this morning. so sweet of you to ask.

12.The train is full of pure tamils. feels like am heading into the african heartland. naamam,kurri and oil in hair.

13. we just dont understand how you remember so many dates! we obviously dont.but thanks a ton.

14. I am in a non attached room with a small lizard looking thing for company. i hate my pathetic life.

15. kavvya madhavan is getting divorced. you heard?

16. welcome back see you at airport :)

17. hey, i finished famil matter. you were right. couldnt put it down once i started. where is the tailors book?

18.what do you mean by "yup" is it like yes combined with up?

19.you fool you still cant say if its mom or me and i am talking about your 16 page letter!

20.you cant diss me publicly on facebook and demand three messages as a make up. that is just wrong. message number three.

21. if i send you a photo of the five of us, i want you to know that as the photo was being clicked i was thinking about you..

22. calling imbalances. i am not sure what you ar trying to do. when i call you cut and then you gime a half call. confused.

23.when i first met you, i hugged you first and almost sat down, then i saw your head tilted in this angle and i did everything to make it the best first kiss

24.Did you like it? we are going to get it stiched in the evening. come along if you are free

25. congrats on the new job. we always said right. stick to journo.

So much for Fairy tales

So although am taken and (happy) i still like being checked out and given the eye etc and i still like bois to ask me out, so that i can say no obviously and so on. you get the idea.
Nothing has been happening on that front since like the longest time, (read) a year almost and then, the other day one boi at work, let me mention here really cute bong boi, smiles at me from his desk and i smile back in confusion! and lower my eyes and proceed to feel extremely stupid and from the corner of my eye i see him scrape back his chair and i know he is coming over.
in my blushing bride confusion thing that i have going on i quickly open the fold of my phone and put it to my ear only to remember that it isnt on silent and could ring LOUDLY any second and i would never live that down. so i shut that and look away!
he comes over and asks me if am lost and i smile back,polite and distant, yeah i do that especially when i dont know you at all and even so more when you are a nice looking boi. anyway i say no am just waiting.
if i was single i tell you.
wait. i tell you what. i cant remember! this blows.
anyway he nods and then he left. i avoid the first floor area where i could run in to him, not cos of anything else as much as looking foolish.
so the point was. yes, i did have a point and i am not just rambling.
there seems to be a sudden spurt in the number of cute men am running into. why is this happening!
i remember when i was single, frustrated and looking they were all in hiding and now, they are slowly emerging from wherever they were huddled up.
at one point. a quite desperate alone point with lot of issues i remember looking everywhere, even through facebook friends friend lists! that is pretty desperate if you ask me.
at that point, i remember i was on the flight to city of study and at the airport i saw one nice looking boi. i sneak looks and i saw him do the same. aha
and then we proceed to look away in every other direction and when boarding happened he was right in front of me. the guy at the gate tells me i have no tag on my hand bags and i in vain try to convince him that i did! how else does he think i got till this gate point. so when i argue you see, i get very shrill. not good at all. and that starts to happen and i see cute boi look at me strangely.
i quickly stop and he announces "you shud just run and get it i can hold these fr u here"
a very glad and grinning me runs back and fro with huge enthusiasm filled with visions of flirting with cute boi and even somehow grab the seat next to him. somehow was the key word.
i come back and he flashes me the nicest smile and we move on in the line, me, muttering thanks etc and then ugh the longest gap happens and when that happens its hard to pick up again. you know what i mean. like say 15minutes pass and then i couldnt again come up with "so whats happening" and the only question in my head was " where you headed!!" which will make me look- "i will let each of you use whatever word suitable"
so i dont grab his seat or do anything. i settle in mine and drink icky lime water and continue to watch the top of his head bounce now and then.
when we got to the place, god, with his brilliant plans i say, put us in the same shared cab which eventualy we realise is not a cab but a mini van that goes on to drop everyone everywhere and finaly head to my area which is btw the local village and the cute boi announces that he is headed there too.
you would think that with all my attraction and by now heightened curiosity i would say something! anything to a boi who is the only one left in the damn van. but no. i too proud.
so the ipod comes out and his book comes out.
book in a van? puhlz.
( mentally said of course)
and then
finally. he says ' you work at *village?"
me: ( since he has said the first line, i am now friendly and un-arrogant) no i study at so and so. you?
he works near by at this I.T place. Right next door.
The romantic fool in me thinks maybe this boi is the boi, what with such a cute story and all.
the boi and i talk and we keep at it till the van man stops and grumbles. the boi helps me with all my heavy bags and boxes and then casualy asks me for my number which i then give him.
he waits for two days to text, i wait for 2 more to text back ( silly kids. i know)
and then we meet up and go drinking etc etc.
despite my obvious desperation it fails to click. i like boi.
but this heart thing doesnt really help me out here.it still kept waiting for our main boi, to change his mind and etc.
cute boi left place little later but we contd to stay in touch, he calls me when he drinks rum and coke and eats chicken wings and sends me photos.
he is quite the nice boi.

ps; there was no real point i see at the end of rambling.

The Gist of it is.

She was the kind of girl who never judged, and tried accepting flaws. The type who got overly attached but thankfully to just a few, cared about her friends and got possesive about the very few she had.

she was the type who had over time become convinced that love doesnt happen to everyone and was consoling herself, getting ready to settle for maybe some passion and familiarity. she had been so betrayed that she had changed from a naive,simple girl to cold and calculating. in between sleep and dreams she could never recognise herself. but this new her was comforting to know. she knew this person would take care of her.

she hated traffic signals and always got caught in them and soon started looking for the times when she was not stuck. at a certain traffic light, there was a watch show room where an old man sat every morning, outside drinking a glass of black tea. she got into the habit of smiling at him. everytime she went by that road, she got stuck at the light and she waited for the old man to look up. he always smiled back. a few months later, the shop was closed and he was gone.

she thought about it every time she passed that way. she was convinced about his death. she dint quite mind dying herself. she was ok with that. but she constantly worried about having people who she loved leaving behind gaps that she knew not how to fill. so she made a deal with the big man. every day she would say this one prayer five times each for all the people she loved. that always took a long time. she dint mind.

she had thought so much about death that she had many ways of calming her self down. one was quickly stop thinking about it as soon the thought struck her by shutting her eyes really hard. by thinking of something that disgusted her like smelly feet or unwashed dirty socks. she was silly you know..

she loved unconditionally and she was always there when she did, love, that is. she tried sometimes too hard. she made vows all the time to herself to be a better person, she annoyed herself by thinking up all her faults and past mistakes when she fought with the people who cared. but she had a really ugly mouth and even uglier language if you upset her.

she would say things just to see that hurt look in the other persons eyes, which she would immedietly regret but she wouldnt be able to stop and her excuse was well its already done so might as well keep at it. she always wanted to be in the right. whether in the things she made or the things she did, the work she submitted, even pronounciation.

but that was hard cos she was one of the laziest people god had send down.

she was always scared of first steps and she loved playing hard to get. she was quite good at latter but when the time came she dint bother. she dint really have to. she let herself be and let all her guards down and plunged right in.

it worked for her. you see, she had intuitions and she was mostly right.

she loved rain, hated cold, loved blankets and socks and had a pretty smile.

she always forced the music she liked upon people. she would badger them into listening and keep playing the same song n number of times to much annoyance of people who lived with her. she loved dogs but hated having them jump on her, love or otherwise. she dint quite like hoobastank but loved their song The Reason, she would listen to the lyrics, think of her grandmother and try to be stronger. she slept listening to music each night, loved afternoon naps on weekends that sometimes stretched to hours and she detested waking up to a dark room.

she shopped so much at fab india, buying up all their over priced stuff gleefully cos it made her happy! spending crazy money on bangles and junk jewellery.

she loved cohen and cranberries equally. qawwali and janis joplin, she loved Regina spektor for singing Fidelity which was her song. she loved eyes wide shut the second time around and she loved farewell to arms second time around. Alice walker and camus sat together on her shelfs with naipaul and murakami. contradictions. always contradictions.

There was another thing. she was always trying to be stronger, if you dint know her you would never think she was weak and had her moments. she looked tough and was known as the local snob. well at least am not the local slut was her delightful reply.

she had her share of men. of bad sex and good ones, some she remembered fondly and the asseholes moodily, ( no pun intended). she couldnt remember the number of people she had kissed and was always against counting em up! what the hell! who would that benefit? Right.

she had drunken mistakes which was never really hidden cos she always liked to beleive that she wouldnt change one thing about her.

whatever that had happened wasnt maybe for the best but it had made her who she was today.

and she liked her.

she always liked to say: there is no life after pity and so she never gave any and never welcomed any.

From the Comfortable Corner

Even before i have started working, the bosses have told me some things clearly, rather explicitly.
To begin with there should be no extra blood rushing into your head anytime you see any kind of behaviour or action that you feel once reported and brought to the attention of the masses will bring about any kind of radical change.
thats a strict no-no.
Secondly, you are not going to change the world. ( i dint even have a chance to explain i dont want to) and proudly elaborate on my "i just want small changes in life and for people" speech that usually people approve of.
that dint even get a peek.
Thirdly, you dont piss off the advertisers. cos though they give you in plenty, they are far too less to begin with and far too much competition.
and then subsidiary points that need touching upon like you wont do big stories for a while, you will be the underpaid lowly who works for everyone.
who shall basicaly proof read and attend press conferences and maybe get coffee for everyone. ok, the last maybe not.
but still.
i guess going by the look on my face they must have felt lil sympathy to offer me this " journalism isnt easy, you have to be diplomatic"
Thats the word. Diplomatic.
And that too to me. I am personaly the most tactless person i have met who cannot for the world pretend something that is not.
i usually try not to get involved unless specificaly asked for an opinion or i usualy soften the blow by mumbling an answer that you probably wont hear in between the tissues and rage or tears or whatever is working for you.
but most times i have been called rude and a snob for telling you how it is.

i can now clearly remember why i was so enthralled with democracy.

ps: of course not paying tax helps in making all this a leeetle better.

My Two Inches Of Ivory

A long time ago, when i met women, thirty five plus women who were childless i would get curious.
i was a kid then. i would wonder why they dint have any, if they chose not to or it didnt happen dint quite work out, so many questions.
There was this one teacher in school. Mrs S. s
she was this very beautiful lady who wore her sarees in a very careless, barely just draped way and she had this whole just out of bed look going for her. ( i dont know how they let her get away with it)
her sarees were always flowery and she had this lovely scent about her.
but her manners! she always left them back at home. she was mostly arrogant and then sometimes sarcastic, she taught English and made fun of pronounciations.
if you dint answer she would just stare at you in this "where did you come from dumbfuck" way.
and considering it was english one would wonder how hard it could be. trust me, she made it quite awful, even for me who loved the classes.
then one day, someone came up with a theory of how Mrs S.s did not have kids, which was why she was such a monster.
and soon anything she did became " yeah she doesnt have kids so she is mean" and then it got worse.
we were growing up and sex was getting to be discussed with details and gory details involved.
girl friends were having dreams of the "one eyed snake" as it got to be known after julia roberts did her share to help us girls with subtle references.
too much giggling for the girls and too much hormones for those icky boys who as far as i was concerned were simply being a pain.
for some odd reason i liked this lady and so one day when after one of her famous outbursts she left, some boy declared how " her husband must not be giving it to her well" supplemented by " no wonder she doesnt have kids" completely got to me.
i remember being so upset. after that i would always smile at her and she would nod.

The reason why i said all this is just that i worry about kids.
i worry that it might not happen for me. its this very wrenching thought that i constantly shy away from.
i remember watching Mrs s.s with smaller kids. to see if she would react any different.
a little nicer perhaps.
maybe, when no one was looking.
i worry in my little paranoid sleepless moments that i might become a bitter 40 plus woman.
i am not saying that all of us get like that. some of us choose the way it is.
but.
i know me. i know how il behave.
and i dont want that.
i want to look up Mrs S.s sometime.

3 a.m scribbles

Sleep Deprived
Black Tea addicted
Paranoid, woman watching Desperate Housewives of all things to calm her down.
( not even cheer her up)
Just calm her down.

say hello to me.

Everything under the Sun

To begin with, after all my effort and d bois's contribution my article is called "ok" and my swot analysis is termed " decent effort considering it was a tough assignment"
i say nothing.
of course am the nobody and am also attention craving so my expectation levels are probably sky high.
but i shall from now empathise whole heartedly with anyone who talks about hard work not paying off, from now.
and ps: i was sick and working.
ugh.

secondly,
i have always been warned that appearances can be very very deceptive. i have nodded my head and grumbled "of course of course"
but i never learn my lesson. so lets re wind a little.
there was a boy in college. lets call him eH
he was sort of interesting, he spoke well, looked not so bad and dressed decently and came from my part of the world.
after a couple of random conversations i secretly considered playing cupid and hooking one of my gf"s up with him, this btw is one of my biggest faults.
i am always trying to play cupid with disastrous results.
anyhow. it never happened was the bottomline and i forgot about it.
and then.
yesterday i had this looong conversation with him on gtalk where i finally wondered about my judging skills and couldnt praise the lord enough for having saved my friend and thus me from a pretty terrible match that i could have made happen.

he was terribly silly, had a penchant for using lines like a) groovy! which reminded of hugh grants chaddi wearing roommate from notting hill
b) he drinks brandy with slice and he had the audacity to blame brandy for making him push his head into the closet
c) to my question of how do you commute? he said : i shall get me a pair of tryes soon.
excuse me? but who is this guy?
am i being to harsh? and wait for it.
he is alone in my hometown so i offered to put him through my friend who would take him around and basically get him going, she is btw a christian.
to which he says
1. are you trying to convert me?
me: err,no she will show you around!!
2. oh you mean like a guide
me: blink. blink.
3. to answer his question of what is my favorite drink, i say whiskey and soda he replies
"bad bad girl"
i somehow suddenly saw him as the wolf from little red riding hood and to say that reading that whole conversation only made me laugh harder is putting it mildly.
i should listen to my friends more and yes, appearances are deceptive.

ps: he said he is a formal guy till you get to know him with "naughty ideas" in the back of his head
who talks like this!!

moving on.
Thirdly,
Today will be spend in bed, nursing the cold and drinking soup, obsessively checking gmail for updates from the big man.
i have three books to pick from:
A Wild sheep chase by Murakami
Dress your family in coudroy and denim by David Sedaris : A Gift from the boi.
or re read The Plague by camus.
And the best part i have still two episodes left of Greys Anatomy, which is completely making my day.
i already feel better.

5 Brilliant New Refreshing Plans

1. Bum around for a whole month around india. say march. spend birthday in gokarna with hopefuly someone who matters. anyone who matters. varansi, benares,madurai meenakshi, jaipur,calcutta, assam, darjeeling and hopefully nepal.

2. dance at someone s baraat.
oh i dance now. with no qualms and no cringing whatsoever.

3. make a green big sweater for the dad.you remember crochet. keep trying it l happen.

4. Get yoga certified.

5. chop hair. finally.

..

I read blogs of people who never write enough.
i wish more people would complain and cry or well at least have happy stories. i went on a blog hunting spree and i came back with nothing.
i like these people.
so i guess am happy knowing just these people.

does this mean am not open to change?
why do i have to over analyse everything.

ps: on a depressed note i dint get the job at the tribune.
and the worst is i dint get it cos i cant seem to remember names of people.
like for eg. chief of wto.
answer in 2 minutes.
along with other chiefs of other organizations.
i ask.
what is google for?

Imperfections

My dad and i live together now. its very easy to get along with him these days, he doesnt annoy me beyond that point and we go out, or do our thing, i like it.
you know a lot of my friends have a kind of relationship with their fathers that doesnt involve a physical closeness.
Hugs and kisses are not allowed, which , i oddly find unsettling.
i could not imagine not hugging my football, which is what i call him btw

so these days my biggest fear is something will happen to him before december, thats my mile stone for now,its gotten so worse that i lie awake at night in my room tossing and wondering and at the same trying to stop thinking so, cos, according to my twisted mind thinking it out aloud could make it happen!
the one thing that helps me fall asleep is surprisingly his snoring which used to completely annoy me at one point.
now i hear this loud funny growling sound and i am comforted back to sleep, knowing he is still around.
yesterday when i got up to pee at 3 in the morning i walked by his room and there was no noise, i waited for a few minutes and still nothing except of course my heart losing its mind!
so i creep over and put my head next to his chest and i hear slow breathing and am just standing there and smiling when he turns over, sees me bending and yells!
well we had a long conversation about daughters who are on their way to insanity is mildly putting it!
but what the hell, i was relieved. for then.