It was bound to happen

I always, always insist on maintaing a healthy distance from family. It is seriously the only way to keep things 'cool'. And except my sister, this is my motto for everyone. And so when A's aunt and I got close, I suppose I got a little carried away. You see, I hate all my aunts. They are disgusting gossips and   thorough manipulators and I cannot bear to be around all the double standards. And recently whenever I speak my mind, they sort of attribute it to "Amerikan ness". The standard dialogue being, " Nee veliya America kari ayi alle?" You have become so Americanised. I actually don't understand this, I have ALWAYS said what I feel/ thought with people I give two crap about. The irony being with people I care, I can never as easily be blunt. So I didn't quite grasp how a country has anything to do with it and while I get that its based on some kind of obvious misconceptions about the USA, these kind of accusations serve no purpose with me except for me to really, actually mock them.

And so when I met A's aunt, it was a great pleasure. She seemed very different from the women I was used to. Level headed, fun to be with, could take a joke, I could have long conversations with her about politics, books, actors, directors, clothes, almost everything.
Even before A and I got married, we began talking on the phone. This was when I was in India. And then when I got here, we became closer. And then I ended up in Boston where she was and we began to see more and more of each other. Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and so on. She and her husband--who I adore-- don't have kids and they are mostly positive about it. They travel, they live well and for most parts they are happy.

Now you see, giving up my motto was a mistake. While I was happy in their company, I would also sometimes feel a little miffed at something she says. But the thing is I am quite the pushover and mostly unable to react except to smile awkwardly and try to brush it off, but then these little incidents--un addresed begin to crop up. The only way for me to get over a situation is to say: this bothered me and i don't want to discuss it till I feel calm enough to talk to you about it. And with A, we both try to do it. I will say: I am quite hurt with what you just did for so and so reason. but with the Aunt this proved very difficult because unless you have years backing up your relationship, these things will mostly end in irreversible damages.
And not to mention my horribly sarcastic tongue which just lacks control once allowed to react. So our relationship has been smoking a bit for a while now. Once I reached Bloomington, I was a little depressed and needed to be just quiet. I talked mostly to only P and A and Amma to whom I admitted how loser-like I am feeling and for once she actually seemed to get it. So a week passed and I hadn't texted The Aunt and I get this message from her asking what is with the silent treatment and that if this is how it continues that she might just stop trying with me.
It almost felt like we were in some kind of conjugal relationship, one where I had to report in.

One thing I have learned from my ill fated relationships is that the minute someone wants a little more from me that I am willing to give, I instantly despise them. Its a character flaw- I admit. But clingy-ness makes me jump and twitch. And to this text, I said I am just laying low. And she replied: Well, I can't be the one always trying. I texted last time, too.

You see, what is the problem with this? I admit that if P or June went missing for a week and more without saying anything, I would check in. I am also petty enough to remember who checked in/ called  last. But The Aunt has laughed at these things. She has said, my god who on earth keeps tab of these kind of details?
Me. Me. Petty people like me, I wanted to shout. And so it was with a little surprise that I realized so does she! I found myself quite disgusted with the whole situation. I like up front ness, I don't mind admitting that I am silly like that, that I keep tabs, scores. Thats just how I am. But so are you.

So it went on. My little mountain of grudges and pettiness which basically blew up today. Because instead of shutting up or laughing it off, I ended up saying what I really felt. And then I said: I need time, so lets talk later.

I do love her, I do. She is mostly harmless, quite lovable except for these pretentiousness and sometimes she can be quite high handed but even so, once I love someone, I love them till I can. Till something that catastrophic happens.
Now I will need plenty of time to get over it. Typically what I do in these situations is dip into the little reservoir of happiness that is stored away with each person. Memories and gifts and moments let me get over things faster but to reach that stage will take a bit of time.

And meanwhile, my heart is racing because it was so difficult to say what I thought.

Why some things should never happen

Yesterday was a sad day. One of my problems is that once I think of something in the past, then its a downward spiral of all things in the past. This video I went looking for after reading about it and it broke my heart a hundred times over.

The video is basically about a teenager who was bullied and then committed suicide. This video, she made a month ago before her suicide and there is just so much wrong with a world where someone posts about how they wish they had at least one person and makes that effort to come out of the terrible anxieties and is met with hostility and then just gives up.

This girl made only what I assume is a common enough mistake. To go on the internet and chatted around a bit, and when a guy asked, she flashed him and then it just came back to haunt her. And how it came back is what is surprising. The same people/ classmates etc who bullied her for it, I bet these same folks have done similar things, except this girl got unlucky. She got a FB message informing her that her pictures were in this man's hands and that he would do things unless she put on a show and then he made a profile with her boobs as his profile picture and she changed schools, she moved away, she tried to get rid of it but it just wouldn't stop.

This is one of my biggest fears/ suspicion/ hatred for Facebook. It's creating this whole new monster version of bullying. Once I suppose it was possible to get home from school and at least till the next day be safe from the bullies but now there is nowhere. This term "cyber bullying" doesn't exactly apply here, and is reductive to use because this girl was blackmailed and threatened.

Once long long ago a disgusting piece of shit creature tried blackmailing me. It was sudden and it took my breath away and I was dealing with shit and suddenly here was this entity. I absolutely didn't know what to do. This creature wanted to get back with his girl friend who was my friend and he said I need to somehow make this happen or else.
What he had on me was fairly huge but my immediate instinct was that this person wouldn't go away even if I tried to talk to my friend and true enough, soon this motherfucking piece of shit was asking me to meet him in his "bachelor pad".

I had to tell someone and I picked my father when this horrible man started calling on my landline in quick successions of 6-10 calls and then hanging up. Then at around mid night I would get texts that the creature is outside my house and to prove his point he would honk repeatedly. Then I found creature outside my college gates just standing around. I cannot tell you how my heart beat and beat. I felt convinced that I was headed for something terrible. My father-bless his soul- was as bewildered as me. And hurt. He was so hurt that I would have done anything at that point to wipe it all off. But I also needed support. My father picked up the phone and asked quite calmly, what do you want? And when the creature replied, my father said, we know. And if you call again, I will have the police call you.
And so it ended.

But if I didn't have Achan at that point, if I didn't have anyone, if I didn't have Parus, I know not what would have happened to me. I feel certain if FB had been a culture then, I might have been in more trouble. If only, if only everyone had someone.

You would think that this little girl's video would change some hearts but then you read the hate comments and the "I am glad she is dead comments" and you think-this can't be. This world cannot be this harsh that a dead girl is trolled.

Bad Bad T.V

You know, it's kind of become a 'thing' to say ' I don't own a t.v' with a smug face and nose up, up, way up in the air. All I want to say to these folks : there is so much intelligent television out there, you muck face. You know who does this? Shavi shubhs. This hateful mega bitch who I hope to someday slam face down into mud and cow dung.

Anyway not that I watch only intelligent tv, which is another matter. But I love t.v and I am happy to say it. Most of these folks who btw diss television are my fellow writing buddies. The really snobby kind, the ones I respect, they all watch well written shows. For e.g. Mad Men. Hello, anyone?
For e.g, Breaking Bad--I haven't seen more than a few but even still. Good Wife is drama but they have scripted it really well. Homeland, is fabulously addictive.
For when you want some laughs: Modern Family? Downton Abbey is yes slightly so apish, but even so. Not apish, SOAP ish.

But today is my bad bad t.v premieres! Grey's Anatomy, and Scandal!! I don't care, I am super happy. And then there will be my zombie apocalypse return with The Walking Dead-- you know, this is actually a really good show, I don't know, seriously. You feel kind of invested in them. Not the Zombies, i.e.

Then there is the wednesday nights with Food Network and Robert Irvine thrashing up restaurants and rebuilding them! Chopped for when streaming all this takes time!  Which reminds me that I should watch Newsroom sometime. And also start catching up with some historical works. The Tudors looks like something I would enjoy. Its about the reign of Henry the 8th and Katherine of Aragon. I also think I should check out some Game of Thrones, but I just can't bring myself to. I have put it in the Harry Potter category and can't bear to even try but everyone is a ravin.

Oh before I forget and before A jumps on it. Please watch The Wire because its god's own very brilliant gift to humanity. No, he swears by it and I keep meaning to see but there is only so much I can do!!

By the way the one show I managed to see and hated and everyone else loved is: Girls. I don't get the hype. I tried to see the 'artistry' in it but all I see is a worser version of Sex and the City and a lot of ugh dialogues.  I miss a really good science fiction series!

I am sure I am missing something here. 

Woot, Wut?

I ran one mile that's what!

and survived.

I am a one mile running survivor. How obnoxious.

!!

Here is a thought

I had.

When I see in movies or T.V shows some kind of teenage issue that the teenager managed to hide from everybody, or mainly parents and siblings, I am extremely surprised. Maybe because I had an over interested and intuitive mother but I would always go: How can that be that NO ONE noticed? Impossible.
In my head I am a perfect mother. I notice, but I don't pry. I discuss but I don't judge. I am involved but not zealous.

I said in my head, didn't I? I am mostly aware how impossible this is. But anyway that's not the point.

So today I was thinking for some reason about this and I realized what a terrible sister I am. Ever since I hooked on to whatsapp, I have been avoiding calls like a demented loon. and my sister's phone is constantly either off or not working. She is also the saddest little kitten ever. She has made friends who doesn't get along well with, she hasn't met anyone interesting and she feels like the place is making her "kanji" in her words. All things that are perfectly understandable. I don't think I had the same problems because despite the horribleness college was in one way, I also made my only close friends there.

I should also admit now that with my sister, it's kind of impossible to get through, and if I were to be honest, I would have to say I got a little tired. And so I thought hai, whatsapp is there. What is the big deal if I don't call.

And then today while talking to Amma, she says, it's been more than two months since you called her. She is very busy but even then.
and I am like of course, it's not two months. But even as I say, I know it is two and more. And my sister  probably gave up on me.

And then Amma says, listen when you talk to her, talk in English. She is scared she is losing language skills.
This led to the usual maddening fight with Amma who wanted my sister to be a fuckin doctor. and now look what she has made.

Anyway the point is my unreasonable, unfounded fears are alienating people from me. And I definitely need to end this.

As a starting point, I called someone day before. My friend from Symbi was getting married and he had called me thrice and I didn't pick up. And when I finally did, I was in the car with other people and I told him I would call him back which I didn't because I am a terrible sort of human. No, no jokes to make anything light!

But day before was his wedding previous night function and I called. And I said hello twice and he wouldn't believe for a second it was me. We had the nicest chat afterward. and I hung up thinking: oh my god, why didn't I call him in forever!

I don't need to be scared. People like hearing from me. People like me. At least the ones I need to call, they do. I am sure there might be moments in between when it gets quiet and no one has anything to say, but something will come up. I am sure, sure, sure.
Once it becomes a habit, everything will be ok.

I am also noticing this strange thing happening. More and more people are saying, " Oh, I just hate ph conversations." or "Oh my god, please leave me alone already. No humans." While I am sure, most of the exaggerated introvertism is some kind of new 'trend' ugh-hate this word, it is especially so more common in my writing group. Everyone is like anti people and constantly posting about how they holed in their room when their room mate had visitors or had to forego dinner because parents/bf/ friend/room mate had people over and they couldn't bring themselves to go to the kitchen.

I understand these sentiments because I have myself holed in my room for hours as my room mate had people over for dinner and even though she kindly asked me, I even more so kindly refused. One day she insisted that I come. By which I mean she fooled me.

She said, "Oh S, I am having blah blah over. They are wonderful people. Would you....?" She didn't even complete the sentence because I think I had on my horrified look and so she said, "Okay, I know your issues but these are such great people. Great great great!"

And looking at her face it was hard to say no BUT I DID. Later since they were supposed to come at seven, I sneaked up to get some chips and lemonade to take to my hiding hole but one dinner guest was already in the kitchen. And my room mate introduced us and said, "So you will join us won't you?"

See what she did? ;/ I had a good time!! And later while washing up she says, " See? You were wonderful and you had a nice time too!"
Well yea, but you fooled me! I didn't say it to her though.

So while I understand this people issue, I also think too many people are adopting it without exactly feeling it.  Everyone or who is interested / understands this needs to watch this series on youtube called The Awkward Black Girl

Ok going to try this today. Going to call someone!

About body image, binge eating and lack of control

All said and done, I don't think I am fat. And I don't think I have any right to claim that title. Earlier I never used to think twice about saying," Oh, man, I am so fat!" and so on. Most of the times I said it, it was out of guilt. Because either I would have had something really fattening: a big burger, fries and shake or a ton of rice and curry or something. But then I know a few people now who are definitely fat and leaning toward obesity and when I hear about their daily struggles: the sniggers they get and the looks on buses, trains, and the way people around them assume that they are naturally dumb because fat  is equated to laziness and being a couch bum.

Next to that, I am definitely not fat.

This is not to say that whatever feeling from moment to moment is inconsequential. Just that reality is always relative. My issues are when I don't fit into size M, I do fit just not well. And I hate feeling like my back is bulging so I always get size L which is a source of momentary sadness.

Now that I have started going to the gym again, its like: good lord, I can feel my arms and legs. or rather the terrible pain from the weights. The main problem and basically only problem is a thorough lack of control with food. By the time I get back from the gym my head is spinning and I crave sugar. So yesterday I made myself sit quietly for a few minutes and then ate cabbage soup. But then it also makes me so sad. It seems silly, I am sure. But to not eat what I want is like ten on ten torture.

Like I wish I had the kind of metabolism that allows everything and yet stays thin. I don't even want thin, I just want health. And right now, I am not healthy. No, sir.  I can't run for more than half a mile. I pant if I climb four flights of stairs. When I do run I can feel my 'jowls' move. Not even face or skin but jowls is the only thing it can be called.

With age it seems more and more difficult to shed weight faster. For e.g once I used to put on fat only on my stomach but now it's definitely moving on to arms and face. and those are so difficult to let go. I have no particular image issues. I look fine, maybe on a good day, pretty. But I have extreme fears of diseases and I definitely sense that if I don't put in some rules and regulations now, I am going to suffer soon.

But for now: I HAVE ARMS THAT I CAN FEEL.

Young Adult

You know what the best thing about being an adult is? That you can eat anytime, anything, anywhere and not be judged/ reprimanded/ judged..
My friend S messaged me that she is eating a lot of bad foods because of the stress: Popsicles, frozen yogurt, deep friend chicken from a chinese place, dumplings by the bag etc. Although I am completely all right with eating food at any time and any hour, I thought about it a bit and realized that I don't quite do it. I think I will since I am allowed to indulge me whenever I wish but never like my friend.
For e.g, today I had lunch at 12. :/ after breakfast at 11. Because I couldn't sleep last night, I drank some nyquil and in the morning woke up feeling like zombies had danced on my skull. So I had lots of chaya and water and still felt groggy. and then I see there is no food. There is but it needs cooking. I look for a while at take out menus but everything looks queasy. So I fried the swordfish and made rasam and drank a lot of lime juice. I am sure there is something wrong with my bladder, I peed like 8 times in 4 hours/ less. Anyway that should be an other indulgence post. So around 3 I begin to feel really hungry and I think why not eat all of my room mates cheese puff things. But I DONT. No matter how much I wanted to, I don't. Then I thought fondly of this terrible place next to my house called the xx Roast Beef place and their cheesecake. I have been known to arrive there at 10 in the night in my pajamas and order just three cheesecakes, please. But I don't.

My friend was also telling me how despite it being so hot and having no ac she refuses to buy a fan. She takes a shower every few hours and sleeps fitfully. I was incredulous! Trust me its sick hot and kind of humid. She keeps saying she is going to leave soon and there is no point. I didn't exactly understand but today when I kept looking at food pictures and resisting, I kind of felt like I got her point.

When I was young--I feel very old and cranky these days-- and we went to my lovely lovely grand mothers for the summer there was a store muri where she would keep all the chakka, manga, thenga, pazham for it to ripen in a sack. Around afternoon everyone would take a nap. Me, settled comfortable against her warm belly and then we would wake up around four and she would go to clean the lamps for the evening and I would make a visit to the store room and happily eat five-seven pazhams and a mango and then eat some fish pieces with it. One day they caught me! They were amused, I can see that NOW, but I was so embarrassed. I didn't do it for a really long time. They kept telling the story to everyone saying how we have this poocha in our house that comes in the afternoons when everyone is asleep!

I miss her so much. Every time I get sad over something else, I end up coming here. By here I mean memories of the summers with her. She was the most kind hearted generous woman for whom I could nothing. It is on her behalf that I let go and forget so many of my Amma's crankiness. Because not only is she my mother but the daughter of the most benevolent woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.


So anyway I starved till now, which is 8 o clock and now I am going to fry a batch of papadams and eat it with homemade salsa!

PS: I decided to change the background to white. I think it agrees better with my aged eyes! :D

MONEY

Which I really don't have at this point was spent on fish. Like 25$ on Mackarel- which better turn out great or I am going to throw a fit and clams--which better be kakka erachi. I hate experimenting!! No, that's not true. I hate experimenting when I am broke.

I am losing sleep over the smallest things. Yesterday night I spent three hours reading about IVF treatments for no reason at all and then I had horrid neck cramps and my ear was red because I had somehow twisted it while sleeping. This is all because my cousin had a baby. Even through my unreasonable jealous I managed to make the expected call and her mum said: oh he is so beautiful, a little man with lots of hair! Which then made me cry both happy and sadly?

I am in this Facebook group full of writers so neurosis isn't new or anything unexpected and every time someone posts some kind of rant about their issues and jealousies, and then will round it off with : I am a horrible person, am I not? And ten thousand people will chime back: NO! You are a beautiful human being with flaws. And this makes me smirk but tbh I was a little consoled knowing I could post stupidity and be told I am wonderful and then I tried it on Parus and I said blah blah blah, I am a terrible human being, am I not? And she said: Yes. You are. And I thought phew that was good. I needed that.

Nervouso Paranoido

So you know what? They shouldn't hire disinterested fuckers at the International Student office. Yeah. I am so weary about public speaking? As in asking questions and getting clarifications, so I plan ahead all my questions and issues and write them down before going wherever. And so I do this and go to the ISSO where an assehole is at the counter. He is texting and smiling into the phone even as he is saying Hi what can I do for you. :/ Okay, fine. I can live with that. After I explain once and he makes me repeat it again, I am all fidgety. I am beginning to think if I am not being clear, because of you know accent and things. And after the second time, he says, barely looking up: I don't understand how that is even a question.

You would assehole, if you would listen the fuck up. God, I am so pissed off. Esp because these things don't end in my head after I leave the place. I tend to replay it till my head is swimming with the exchange of words.
I hate all people. And I still don't have an answer to my doubts. 

My hospital tales

So on A's birthday, I got an appendectomy. I mean I did tell him, I wished that we could be together for his bday, but not like this!

So on 29th morning I woke up around 7 with a solid belly ache which did not feel like period pain. I went upstairs and kept waiting for it to pass but it wouldn't. After a few hours of suffering, I gave in and my housemate drove me to the hospital. I worried a little about insurance. Although I have an insurance card, all I knew is that, someone would pay for something. But the pain got progressively worse so I didn't have to think much about that one.

At the hospital, which is close to where we live, my room mate kept me company while I was nauseous in the ER and throwing up. I had to put my fingers in, for that would keep me sane for a little while.
I am just a little depressed that she had to see that! Anyway, I got this kinda hyper doc, who was sort of all over the place. They finally gave me some pain meds and I calmed down. Took an ultra sound and we concluded that  my ovaries and uterus are all A plus. And then someone brought up Appendicitis but my symptoms weren't in line with normal appendix ailments.

The pain meds made me all sleepy and I didn't have my phone and so I called A from my room mates phone and then the doctor said that I have a slight cervical infection and gave me some Oxycodin and send me home. All is well that day. I have a pain tablet and one infection ridding tablet at night.
By next day early morning, we are back in business. Same routine.
She drives me, I check in, they ask me my bday, I whine and cry and throw up, doc comes--different and older man who was fairly sweet. This time we do a more invasive ultra sound and conclude that it is indeed appendicitis. You couldn't have done that yesterday.

They schedule me for surgery for that night. Everything is moving too fast for me. A said he will come and I say, don't. I can easily manage. PAH. what was I even thinking. There was no way I could have remotely imagined what was in store for me. A booked tickets. In the ER, they come and tell me that surgery is at 6, its five now, but there is a man outside with chemical spilled in his eye, so can we please wheel your bed out into the hall. :/ I say, well, since man with chemical in eye is clearly in more pain, sure, go ahead, but give me pain meds, so that I can sleep in this hall place. Which they do.

All I remember is an oxygen mask being placed and then waking up in a room and talk about A's timing! I open my eyes and he is walking. Its all so dream-like, guys! And then I pass out again and when I wake up, he aint there and I wonder if I imagined him but then I see his luggage near the door. Again, all is well.
More throwing up but fell asleep finally. Next day, had stew for lunch and my room mate picked us up and by night we are home.

That was tuesday. A plans to leave that following Monday or Tuesday after taking me to class for a day.
On Saturday, A and my room mate go shopping. They go to Indian store, there is a Dosa Factory here, they get food and come back. We have lunch and I am a little uncomfortable from gas and other related ailments but I try and fall asleep. By night, I feel a little better. By three o clock,Sunday morning, I am up in such MISERABLE FUCKING SHITTY PAIN that I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IN MY FUCKING SHITTY LIFE EVER EVER AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER EXPERIENCE AGAIN FUCK THAT WAS PAINFUCKINFUL.

A doesn't let me put my fingers in and puke, so I try to beat him.
By six, I have given up. My room mate drives us back to the ER. DYU guys see a fucking pattern here.
Anyway. Oh I also managed to lose my driving license the last time I was there-- just some information.
Back in the ER, they tell me that I am full of shit. Really. Constipated out till my brains probably. and thus begins my five day misery journey. They give me this pill thing, shoved up ass so that I can take a good shit. Y'all don't need this image, I know. but TAKE IT. I am even caps locking it.
and when that doesn't work, they give me enemas. Do you want me to tell how wonderful an enema is? Perhaps not.

The pain just gets worse and no one knows why. except for the shit part, which shouldn't ideally do this much damage. I am vomitting every ten minutes. They stop the pain meds, because that's just worsening the constipation. By night, I am down. They try to insert a tube in my nose so that they can drain the fluid in my stomach but the doc doesn't do it properly or my throat is fucked from the vomiting so all that ends up is in more blood.

They move me to a room where they inject and pump me full of nausea medicine which despite me telling them doesn't work, they continue. I am in this room for three days straight being enemead and vomitting. Lost 12 pounds. Blood and bile. Throat bled. Finally on Thursday I started to cry so much that they brought in  GI Doc who asked me to stand up and hug her. I don't know how that helped. Seriously. They moved me to Internal Medicine on Thursday, stopped all meds except a sleeping pill and waited. Friday morning I was all right. No puking.

Put me on a BRAT diet. and Friday we went home. Except for nightmares--in one of which I dreamt that my heart stopped and I was frantically calling out for A, asking him if my heart just stopped and revived itself.

The reasons are many. First they think it might have been an stomach infection that lead to pseudo appendicitis syndrome or chrones disease. They can't do a colonoscopy but I will have to schedule it soon.
I can tell you honestly I have never been more tired ever in my life.

PS: My husband is the best. End.

Friends

The thing about friends is, some of them happen when you least see it coming. I like this group I am in, I like some more than the rest. I dislike two not because they are unsufferable or they lack something, its just my petty minded-ness.

The closest friend I have is my korean girl.She reminds me a bit of June and that is consoling. We get along, we hang out, but we never tell everyone else, that we are. Its sort of like a guilty secret.We discuss the rest. Initially I was apprehensive because its a small group and I didnt want to create any problems but it got too much inside and its cold outside. Do you know when its really cold its hard to be alone? Its a theory that I am thinking about more. Maybe in winter, people hook up more. I should finds stats for this.

Anyway, then there is M, who I really like, and I can sense its a mutual feeling. We always defend the other in class and I am really not doing it for any personal gain, like a two way street. Its because I think is genuine and I adore her spunkiness.

And now, there is. D. He is the weirdest of the lot. I sense something terribly wrong with him. Like a front that he has put up, that needs a lot of work. I totally know what it means and maybe that is why I can sense it. His writing is like a spiral staircase, its a climb, and then it drops from a very high point. I loved it, everyone else pretty much disliked it. Me and M, kept defending it much to the Prof.s annoyance. So far I think, D had it worst. D was told not to even to consider using this story.
Anyway what makes me write this post is, D sends me an email saying in short, paraphrasing, "Do you have a friend in this group? someone you can vent with? I can be your friend, if you want. I felt moved to ask you."

No one except this guy will write an email like this. Its exactly the kind of thing that people laugh at you for, the kind of thing that you think about, but never say loud. Some kind of mental conditioning. Its funny and sad at the same time.
I am not surprised at the email, nor its tone. I dont see him speaking any other way. The only thing that surprises me, if a certain kind of persona has been worked at for years and years, then why would you let it slip? I would never allow myself to slip. Unless, I am getting the whole persona wrong.

D has an insight that is rare, to see the things in other people's stories, things that most people miss but when it comes to his own work, he stumbles. It becomes too obvious, obtuse. something goes wrong and it takes monumental effort for most people to see through that. I loved the story on the first read. It was so disheartening to see people say- I didn't get it, dont confuse the readers, dont use such fancy language. Dont, dont, dont.

Its always about what is not there, in a work, its never enough what is there, what you imagined, plotted and strove at. That is never enough.
S

Sorting things

Who thought I would love Tofu?

Who thought I would love long lectures, which I attend, even though I dont need to.

Who thought I would walk the whole circle of a pond that takes about a good one hour

Who thought I would write better, much better in a month

Who thought I would be proud of this achievement

Who thought I would admit to myself  and then say in a small voice out in public- I am a writer,yup, that is right without being apologetic about it.

Who thought despite meeting more and more people I would still crave only my best friend's company when I really need to talk!

Who thought people would find me. let me emphasize me funny

Who thought my odd jobs would now take me to being someone's dinner party food- prep- help

Who thought I would figure out directions in a city and go see things all by myself

Who thought I wouldnt be too scared coming home late slightly tipsy but still having had a wonderful evening in a social situation

Who thought I would discover all these new things about writing

Who thought I would learn to value my mother more without her having to say anything, without her even saying a word about her sacrifices

Who thought I would have the one man willing to spend his precious time helping me out

Who thought I would read articles about writers and yet be able to say no, I dont think that is quite right

Who thought I would be able to keep up with all this.

All right.

So the first bout of tears have come and so have the words. It went really so so bad. Like dig a hole, bury my head, never come up bad. The thing is when it was all happening, I didnt feel the slightest anger/ sadness/ irritation at the critiquing. I only thought it useful, as in, how did I miss this and that and that. Oh that's a good point. so on. Though among 11 opinions, I can only probably use LE's and another guys sort of brilliant suggestion.
Lack of clarity in sentences, grammar, punctuation are as always screwing me up.

Next,
This is sort of cheap of me, but what no one needs to know there. I hate it that there is another Indian girl. I hate it. Her ideas per se are at best mediocre but her writing is brilliant and this doesn't need to bother me but it does. I want her not to be there, with her middle class Indian mother father brother stories and then LE going how marvelous middle class stories are. PAH.

I am feeling little stuck, out of breath sorts. Obviously I knew the pressures. How much work. I have had barely enough time to register and understand the last comments and now in a week and five days I have another submission and then the next week, one more. There is a small gap after that.

Another thing. I feel very under read. When someone asks me favorite authors I blink. Because I genuinely forget. and then stupidly only Munroe and Carver come to mind. I must write this shit down.

and lastly. In the larger scheme of things and some weird personal one's I have to make this blog place a private place. Yes I do. So if you all who bother coming here could just send me your email id's I would be happy to invite y'all. I will leave it like this for a week or so.

Ps: I have lost weight, the tee shirt that once clung and clung is hanging loose. That is the only good news. oh and that I have taken myself off Facebook. THAT is the extent to which I am being driven. FB used to be such entertainment, time consuming of course. Still. All those mom's with their babies pictures with titles. Haha. I know I would do the same, though it probably annoys a lot of people and the creepy girl with her " me and hubby patting a lion in mauritius" Haha.
Damn I will miss Fb.

S

On my own

The boi has left and I am on my own and its absolutely not a good feeling and I am miserably unhappy and unreasonably angry but not sure who to be angry at. I dont like living alone anymore. I did, I had big plans earlier  and all when I did but now all I want is to come home at night and whine to the boi about a hard day-if hard day or tell him about my good moments and have him rub my feet.
As I said earlier, the room is fine, the people are fine, everything is just fine. But all I can think of is going back to Bloomington. I will stop now, maybe I might jinx myself.

Life is on standstill till Wednesday. Till everyone gets back with comments on the story I submitted last week. Especially L.E's comments. LE pronounces a story as a success or just ok and I am torn, torn re reading it. I dont know what to think and my head hurts from analyzing what he is thinking. So Wednesday and it depresses me that if its bad I will have to cry alone and if its good I have to be on phone telling boi. Its really not thaaat big a deal- I guess after all I am here to get better but I cant shake off that feeling that this counts towards something.

We went to a Prof.s house for Labor day- I think I mentioned earlier on. Most people brought their spouses/ partners and I can tell you that A was the best looking boi there. No, I am not just saying that cos he is on a flight back home. Really! I dont understand how people can dress so badly and step out! I wont get into details because well you know- who knows who might see this along the road. Anyhow. It wasnt so bad- the socializing. I managed to stay about two hours without quite looking foolish, except when I ran into Ha Jin and literally stayed open mouthed and thankfully Boi saved me from that. From further - I am so so so so thrilled to meet you dialogues from leaving my mouth repeatedly. The food was bad.

I am supposed to be reading Silence by Shusaku Endo and instead I am obssesively reading The Bad Girl by Vargas llosa. and watching sad movies which have this amazing ability to cheer me up. Does that make sense- like this one-ugh- Its not a love story! Oh my god, it was so painful, the girl and the story and the damn camera forever focusing on her thighs! Ram Gopal Varma-oh my god. but it gives me some perverse happiness- that hey, look people are doing bad bad things all around. It wont make sense and in that spirit I also saw Michael Douglas say No, no, no sex please to Demi Moore in some movie whose name I have forgotten in less than two hours. I keep wanting to say Contagion though! We also saw The Debt. Mirren didnt have much of a role but the younger Mirren played by Jessica Chastain did an awesomely superb job. Rest can be ignored.

I need me some food. I hate cooking for just me. I have some chicken and some Kheema and some fish. The house is silent like Sunday's back home. Chicken curry-fish fry lunches and then a nap and then the 5:00 malayalam movie- no matter what crap they play. Back in Btown we used to do it, boi loves his afternoon nap.  I am sad. I am a sad kitten. Like sad Keanu. :o Haha, ok that cheered me up.

Later

Not thaaat important

Just venting. I dislike the housemate's girlfriend. she annoys me. She hasnt done anything concretely horrid. I am just a horrible person who dislikes people for no reason but has it happened to any of you that someone just manages to piss you off for no reason? just their general existence. or in this case,

1. She doesnt live here but she IS ALWAYS here.

2. You have got to pay extra if its two people per room but I bet she is not.

3. We share the bathroom with her bf. who is messy. considerate but messy. and now her too!

4. When I see her body wash sit very innocently in the area previously occupied by my conditioner I want to smash it in a bout of unreasonable anger.

5. She has been in the loo twice when I wanted in. :/

6. she is always ALWAYS eating and messes up the one part of sink which is mine. The other part of the sink is completely filled with old unwashed buuuuaaah dishes. and now she wants this!

7. she has an icky smile. That stretches her mouth and eyes. Unnaturally.

she must not live here.  Must Must not.

:(
The rest of the housemates are ok. The bf is ok, he smiles very sweetly each time we pass each other which is ok, fine but I am not that smiley faced persona, think my blog picture head! The other big guy with long hair will bore you with stupid conversation if you even so much as say a hi. The Indian Tamilian guy is just...weird hair. The last boi is pretty :) with pretty hair and perfectly ironed crisp white shirts. A bit like Morrison from glee. He can walk around if he wishes. I will allow it. :/

s

Thoughts on kids and related activities

So I was reading this post on a blog, one which I really like but then I do not quite agree with the sentiment expressed. It really could be true but it seemed a bit of a stereotyping and that being something I try avoiding- with a lot of effort btw.

So the thing was why people are so adamant about having kids. or why every other tom and dick and jane is interested in how long have you been married and visheshm ille? - no news yet. :/

To be honest only my servant lady has asked me this so far. I think mainly because I am a bit of a sour puss in the family circles, one who does not allow unnecessary questions to be asked to her. My friend keeps asking me, how do you do it, sounding very vexed. Its easy, at least for me. I dont ask anything about them- esp to these nosey aunties- Nothing at all. Despite this some will still steer the conversation that way, I just immediately announce before anyone starts that I intend on studying. YES, MORE. 

In fact they are more interested in saying things like: what are job prospects in amergias after what I am going to do? Its really reaaly not your business. I might have answered you if you were asking so that your own kid could do it or something but no, I know what you will tell your kids when you are heading back. Anyway. how did it get here?

So only servant lady. My mum in fact is very against me having kids till I am holding down a job and "settled" :) I think its years of hearing from everywhere- "if only you had a job you family would have been better off lines"

I dont think she is very happy with this MFA situation esp cos I will have to tell her I will come out of it as unemployable as before. That will be one painful conversation. My dad will mention once in a while the importance of kids and how it would sort of nice if I could produce a boy baby. He is totally looking forward to being a granddad, preferably a boy baby. Only if you can- as he half jokes. To my questions of how exactly am I to accomplish this feat he has no answers. In fact he says: if you really want it, it will be a boi. But I really reallie dont have such choices, dad. :/

Now the thing is I want to please these two, yes, sure. Just on my terms. I was actually ok with having a kid last year, despite our situation.

One phd student- father, one applying to colleges- mother. excellent combination for a kid to come into. Then I sort of felt it wasnt really fair to the kid. I mean as a baby of course it wont want anything as in wont demand anything- it better not :/  but then it will shoot up so fast and soon will be wanting this and that and what if we are not done with studying and we are still broke.

I know how it feels to want small little things but to learn to not ask for it. and then teach your sister also to not ask for it. Its quite sad really. Thus all baby plans postponed. My amma doesnt mind, my acha periodically minds, my mum in law doesnt mind! no one minds, except the servant lady. 

Yes its probably because its been only about two years.Maybe after MFA they will all collectively start their chants but the thing is they wont have to. I myself want me two little girls. yes, I do. This Psychic also told me I will. she said she saw two little girls with curly black hair. I was sold at the hair part! I have curly black hair! aha
Also that I am a fool who will will believe when I hear things I want to hear.

Ideally I would have three kids but realistically I will not. I was having this conversation with my friend and I told her how I would rather adopt one of these kids. she said she too doesnt want to have babies for a while now but she is older than me by a few years so the pressure is much more on her. so I said in all my wisdom that is ok, if you want to postpone go ahead and then since you are not a fan of giving birth-is- a -mother's- right- movement then you could just adopt. 

she said oh, no, I mean I dont want to do that, we are not really that rebellious and I dont have that much goodwill or anything in me..

which set me thinking. The reason I want to adopt a kid is as much for my sanity as the kids. Its not a favor I am providing! I mean I dont want to do the birth situation twice and I do want the girls to be say a couple of years apart which means 2 out 4 years I am walking around pregnant. NO, I dont think so! 

Earlier my dad and I used to sponsor a little kid and then I lost my job. Yeah well. This kid was damn cute, they used to send us pictures of him. Kannan. I didnt care for the name though but he was motu and with big eyes. My dad was a sucker for his pictures. But even then I wasnt quite sold. I like little boys but boi and I are sort of leaning towards our picture perfect two girls in chaddis running around a beach with a dog photo. The chaddi part is just me btw. :/

So anyway what I am trying to say is the reason we wanted to have kids is not cos we dont have anything else to discuss. Our baby discussions mostly happen after we run into someone with babies.Otherwise we are perfectly happy to talk about other things.  In fact one of the common reasons I am seeing is general boredom of sitting at home after coming to this country. Blame the visa guys for the baby increase. Well at least the people I know are happy together folks, they do things together and apart and they want a kid cos they WANT that kid. I am open though to the idea that there must be people doing it so that they can focus everything on that poor kid.

Boi's uncle who lives here has this amazing family, two beautiful little girls, dog and everything. I am like a little jealous of them. teeny weeny little. They are actually such decent kids, they have been given just the right doses of everything. and I am very impressed with their Malayalam. Yes its very important. :/ 

I want me the picture. 

That useless feeling

May 25th, Wednesday.

I love living here for many reasons which I wont go into now. but how useless I feel is when someone back home passes away. Its the dreaded phone call and the silence and the not knowing what to tell them. Then the tears and then eventually you calm down. The memories are then slow creepers but they are mostly happy memories punctured in between with thought of a return- to a house empty of the person. One does not get used to that quickly because one has not been there. And so its possible then that when you walk into that, more or less the same house, you expect them. To walk out from the bathroom, eyes straining with age and ailments. Light shining in those old droopy eyes, perking up at the sight of your face. One waits for them on the verandha to bring out hot milk and coax you into drinking it despite your protests.

What else is there to do, Except wait endlessly. Some of these deaths never leave you, their kind are the devastating kind. They come with the what if's and only if and if only and pangs of terrible doubt and guilt. Things that never leave you. These deaths also called suicides, they never let you forget. The person in question, their lives and motives analysed forever and ever while you shed your tears into tired pillows.

what good are these tears- you constantly ask. What good are you, you who never helped in any way. what good are any of you and then once you calm down you need to go back to the art of living and shamelessly, almost deviously, you attempt to negotiate with yourself.

what could you have done. you were young, You had no money, your parents had no money.

That small nagging feeling does not help, it tells you clearly, shouts at you that there is something. Where can you hide knowing you can never tell anyone. You can never blog about it and let the readers purge you from your shame. Even if its anonymously you have confessed and all you need to do is wait it out. It never ends till perhaps you are dead too, with you till your fire you carry these burdens,this perhaps is a befitting punishment. Though there must be more, you tell yourself. There has to be more ways to punish yourself.

There are stars. Many many stars who you believe are the people who left early. There is a little kid there, a grandmother and some others who you perhaps didnt know too well. but they are all there. When you escape an accident unscathed or you are saved from something by just a second you look up and say your silent thanks, for looking out for me.  Do you deserve it? No, you know, you dont. And yet you act like you do. Let the tears never end. Let every tear remind you.


A's granduncle, passed away tonight. He led a full and mostly happy life. He is that one point for all of them, my mother-in-law, amma having lost her parents early. I wish I was back home with her, there isnt much I can do but just be there for her and hold her. These are times when all the charms on offer seem not worth. it. It is after all only a small short life we live. where is time for everything. one must regret, live and wait for death. There is never enough time. 

Things that worry me

I just read a blog post about things that worry, said person and I thought its been a while since I made my things I worry about list. I assure you there are new one's.

1. I fear everyone/ most one's will start buying Kindles and other such devices and that no one will have books anymore. Though this presents a welcome scenario where all people will sell/  give away their books for free it also presents the problem that I look like the fool who wont move where technology goes. Maybe I'l get left out of techno-book talk.

2. When I am Texting or mailing someone, if we have both come to a conclusion and there is no further need for me to say anything and so I dont. Then, I worry that they might be thinking arrogance or tardiness on my part or even worse waiting for a reply. So I end up saying inane things.

3. A new worry: That everyone in my MFA class will find agents or publishers dying to get out their works of brilliance and my poor collection will sort of stand in a corner like the girl who doesnt get asked out in a group of three friends. To a dance or a date or drinks or just a picnic..You see..

4. That everyone in my class will be well read. I hate saying this term because I never understand what that means. When someone says " You are well read" , what are you implying. That in comparison to you I am? For my age I am? Despite my background I am? Maybe they mean nothing but well..

5. I fear I shall die last. Living to see every single person I know go.

6. I fear diseases that will not let me eat well. I fear cancer at least 5-6 times a day on an average.

7. I fear acid attacks.

8. I fear I will have some big fight with two of my friends. The kind where we are never able to forgive and get back on old tracks. That Il never see them again..Not hear their voices.

9. I worry that my ass will get too big. way too big to fit into a pair of jeans.

10. I fear kidney stones and that I might become busy and forget to drink enough water daily.

11. I worry I shall say the wrong thing in a group of people. Some kind of cultural mistake will be made and they will all view me as the uncouth woman.

12. I worry il get a dog and then not like him.

13. I worry that....Snoop has some wrong idea about me, about my kind-ness or good-ness and some day he will realize but be too kind about it and love me less but love me nevertheless. Did that make any sense?

14. I worry I wont have kids.

15. I worry that not having kids will send me over the edge.

16. That Snoop with his careless ( in my opinion) driving will get one of us killed and live to regret it or die and leave me to be mad for the remainder of my life.

17. On some days I worry that mum and dad will split up and on some days I worry that they never might..

18. Steel apparatus in my leg. I might see my bone..

19. Dying having done very less for self and everyone else.

20. Die alone. Live alone.

A short happy tale

I have always wanted to have a Mother in law who I would totally get along with. In that way I am quite easy to like, my friends mums have always liked me and I somehow find it easy to make conversation with them. and as for the MIL I wanted someone who I could genuinely like and not fake-like, which I end up doing with many of dad's sisters and other ammayi veshams. :/ They are honestly a pain in the ass, trust me even my tolerance levels cant stand them.

Anyway so a couple of ex bf's mum have also liked me much which was nice except of course when I broke up with them it wasnt pleasant at all, cos I felt terribly guilty and in one particular case I kept making excuses for this scum bag cos of his mum. Most most painful situation. Anyway I am quite sure she dislikes me now and well, I dont blame her entirely. Here is a lesson: Never meet your bf's mums till you are like sure-shuvar. Yeah. Dont. No matter how much they force you. yup. That is all  the wisdom I have to share on that for now.

Proceeding on, So when it looked like snoop's mum was finally going to be the MIL I was a little nervous. I had only seen her pictures and the day they were coming home I was quite a bundle of nerves but she made it so easy. she also told me that I was a very pretty girl ;p That helps you know.

Before leaving she told me not to call her Aunty anymore and to call her Amma. Yes, of course, those kind of things make me all gooey and warm inside. I am also a very silly girl. Though I did take some time calling her Amma, its kinda hard you know. I mean you have called this one person Ma,  all along and suddenly...

Surprisingly my own mum who is btw quite the jealous kinds about sharing my love- yeah!! so odd that, she hated my said ex-bf's mum, hated that lady calling me and so on- so this was very suprising for me. she totally took to snoop's mum and they got along pretty well.

So my MIL, mum and I were just hanging out when I was cochin waiting for my stupid visa and it wasnt odd at all, we had much fun having lunches and watching a horrible Malayalam movie :/

Initially I had a small fall out with her. Not in her face sorts, just a small unhappy feeling in my heart but that is all long gone so I wont get into it cos I kind of understand where that came from. I guess the reason we do get along is cos she has no control issues, she is happy just letting us be. Initially she was a little worried, I guess she needed to get to know me so I stayed over on weekends and did my two cents. and we talked much and when it was his dad's birthday we had our own small celebration, just the three of us. I cooked them a nice dinner and cut a chocolate cake and it was fun.

I tend to beleive that in most cases, at least in what I have seen, this is not a universal fact and I know its not true in many many cases but I tend to beleive that how a new family behaves to you largely depends on your attitude to them. Just you know try to remember that you are not there to conquer their son and family and change everything in a few days time because, you just know your way is the best!! Your way might be indeed the best but you are new and they dont know you.. so take it easy. :)

Snoop's mum thinks I am funny. and funnily enough I am! She laughs so much at my general nonsense! she told him once " yeah she just left, said lots of mandatharams and all ( foolishness)" :p

Also the thing is she respects my decisions to do what I want. she doesnt say annoying things like " what will you do with this MFA" or  "wouldnt this course be better?" she only asks to see my stories and during the time of applying she was always telling me " How its going to happen and if it doesnt we will try again.." which i absolutely adored about her. Snoop tends to be a little impatient with them which is normal I guess cos we are always short with our own family. whereas with my parents he makes more of an effort so I guess its a full circle. She likes hearing what we did, where we went and general ameriga stories which I always supply her with :)

ps; I just remembered something else to add. Also dont be all servile and subservient if that is not really you right from the start in that need to impress them. cos what you put forward first will be sort of expected from you there, on. so if there is something that you feel not right about, say it, tactfully. or as tactfully as you can. cos you see, if you start not being you just to please them soon you end up resenting yourself and them which is not fair to anyone!  Also if you have been all agreeable about every god damn thing right from the start, soon you wont know how to say no to them and also if they are not exactly nice peeps then there is a good chance they are going to exploit your fake/ real nice-ness. There you go.

So today I was just thinking I did after all get that MIL I wanted. :)

The Two Sisters

Have I told you about my sister? Other than that I have one.. Probably not.She is a miniature version of me to look at and completely different from me in vocation/profession. She was always the brainy one, the one meant to carry my parents hopes and wishes and fulfill them when the first daughter failed to comply. I guess, V, never had much of a choice. Our parents brought us up very different. with me they placed very less restraints and made me do everything on my own. Well not so much made me as they forgot or you know it didnt matter or whatever their reasons are and then they werent too happy with the final result so they went a complete turn with my sister. Now this was hard because V was in her teens when they decided that their techniques hadnt worked with me so they needed to alter it but you know changing logic on a teenager isnt exactly pleasant.

Surprisingly, V put very less of a fight. I still wonder why. A guilty part of me thinks it has something to do with me. Our Mum pretty much drove it into her that "she was all there was left" :/ gawd! I told her so many times this kind of pressure on a kid isnt good. and even my dad who always told me to follow my heart changed his notions when it came to her and ultimately they all decided she was to be a doctor.

Apparently V had said long long back, in her tenth std that she wanted to become a doctor. I am sure she didnt think they would hold her to it. and sadly she went through some of the hardest period of time where my parents send her to coaching centers and then got her to take a year off and study harder when she didnt do well the first time! It was so painful because V would be constantly angry at everyone including herself for not able to say No. I couldnt interfere cos amma pretty much told me that I was to stay out of her "future" and I, to be honest was dealing with a creepy ex bf so I guess I just let it be. I probably should have tried harder to get her out of it. The thing is V, herself admits she loves her course, she loves studying and she knows this is the best career for her because it excites her but she hates her college and her classmates and I convinced her to break up with her dirt bag ex bf so she is pretty much you know...alone.. and that makes her very very grumpy and she throws monumental fits of anger and disillusionment.

so most of the time when I call she is sad and mopey with nothing to tell me and this makes me so so sad. V was always the most animated with me. she is quite the introvert and finds it difficult to make friends easily. but with me she has always been so happy with her silly stories and her high pitched giggles. I miss my happy sister. right now all I can do is keep telling her its only another two years and I promise to get her out of there this time..

I was listening to this Malayalam song about two sisters and I just had to write this. V was such a tiny thing when she was born that everyone thought she wouldnt make it. but she is quite the fighter that kid. Literally. All bones and muscle and can inflict much damage if you are fighting her psychically which I have many times

Before she was born I remember everyone wanted to you know,  not feel too jealous or anything which was stupid because I was never the jealous kinds, till very recently ie. and more than anything I was damn excited because they said I was going to have a sister to play with. Naturally I assumed she would pop out and we would head straight out to you know..play.. Just me and sister, hanging out.. and then they brought her out and my grand mum and me are standing in the hallway and grandmom, the one I adore, is holding this tiny thing and praying! and I am like: what are you kidding me? Is this it? when is this ever going to walk, let alone play with me!! < In other words>

As she grew up she turned out to be quite a pain in the ass. Extremely vociferous, picks fights with all neighboring kids, can inflict serious damage with hair pulling and morning tantrums! As I leave for school she will emerge wearing one little underwear ready to carry my water bottle till the auto stop and god, would she make a scene if she wasnt allowed and evenings she would be waiting up :) Quite the little charmer. Everyone loved how adorable she looked, motu and fair with curly hair..My parents were also kicked about her. she was studious and every evening at about seven she would sit down with all her books around her while I was busy watching cartoon network. and obviously amma would go : dont you have anything to study, look at V!

Yes look at V, so immersed in god knows what! Time and again I told her to stop "pretending" to study making all these issues for me! She was like "No echi I have lots of homework!"
Amma would go: what about your homework, s?

S always did her homework in the bus on her way to school :p and in some cases,you know, math she hurriedly copied it after assembly. So one day I decided to punish V. she was sitting, legs crossed and her books on the teapoy and reading out aloud. I told her " Hey V, got a minute?"
"Of course Echi" she came running. I locked her in the bedroom with me and switched off the lights and.. you know scared her! Told her that she was a little monster for making me look so bad and that the ghost in this room would get her now if she didnt promise to change. How she screamed that night! Needless to say it didnt go down too well with the parents. :/

So many many memories with her. I love her in a way that I sometimes think is only possible to love one's own child. But I have taken care of V, for so long..soo long between the many fights and issues at home that sometimes I feel she is my little kid.. I love you my little monster.