Day One

I have been nervous about this for months now although by my usual methods of suppression and repression I had managed to ignore it. But finally, the first day of being a Prof. rolled around and that was today.
I personally didn't think I could be a good teacher, well, still don't. but I am surprised at how much I loved it! And also by how much I feel for these kids. They all seem like perfectly good kids. 9girls and 2 boys. I am doing an Introduction to Creative Writing on thursdays from 2: 5.
When they first put up the list, all classes started filling out fast except mine and this other girls', both thursday. My co ordinator said, don't worry, it will etc etc and that thursday, thats why! Kids don't want to study on thursdays and fridays apparently. Well, no surprise there! But I was worried at how I had at that point in Novemeber, barely four kids! And then i envisioned them canceling my class and taking away my money. Clearly I need to look up the word CONTRACT now and then.

A, when told of all these miseries of mine behaved exemplarily and unfortunately for him I was very short with him. I was like-I just don't understand why you don't understand the gravity of this situation :/
Then I worried how after my class one, kids would drop my course like hot cakes because I am ( insert self deprecating) joke

ANYHOW. No one dropped anything, class was wonderful and I love my kids already.

My housemate, Abigail, to whom also I have taken to pouring out my troubles and who happens to have a sunny disposition, said: you have nothing to be worried about, you will be naturally good at it. I can sense it and plus you are funny.

See? Thats the second person who has said that to me. I am definitely funny. I am going to go with that. And then today I got an email after I got home from this kid who said, Prof. R, I was wondering if I could shift to your class! Haha. Last laughs and all that.

More later.

Food and Feminism

Sometimes Anoop annoys me by saying how he married me for the food! A small itsy bitsy part of me is glad but mostly I just get irritated. Now that we are in LDR, and he is busy as hell and when he texts saying he had chore-payar and tuna for dinner, I feel really bad. I keep thinking this right here is the time he probably needs me the most. To not come home to an empty house and eat sad food although canned tuna isn't so bad but you know what I mean.
and then I think the whole- he-survived-till-27? without you and your food argument and I am consoled but only a little.

I love being thoughtful, I love remembering things and surprising people but I also know how a large part of that is just so I can feel good about it myself. but being with A is the first time, I have worried so much about another person without thinking whats in it for me.

A large part of my let-me-take-care of everything, EVERYTHING in the kitchen-mostly! probably comes from Amma and Ammama. Ammama esp ran a large house where people dropped in all the time without any warning. Achachan would bring home people for lunch and by the time she fed all those people, she would have to lay out all the pots and pans again. Amma says, Ammama genuinely enjoyed this, this being the soul of everything and feeling good about getting things done. Amma again wouldn't grudge food to anyone. She hated it when I took my anger out and punishing her by not eating- which btw in my books is the worst punishment I can inflict because its fucking torture and if I say no, then it probably meant I am really upset.

I love cooking and esp for people. When praised I feel good but also a little cringey. I will probably never stop doubting about the quality of the meal even if it tastes heavenly to me. I worry incessantly if people are liking it, which is kind of sad, because then I don't enjoy the evening or the the conversation. I am slowly unlearning this habit.

Two Years

Boi and I celebrated two years on christmas at my place with my housemate. We cooked a Moroccan baked chicken- Picture if I remember later.
My housemate got us gifts too! Which was so endearing and also a little embarrassing because I hate being surprised like that and I also feel odd if we are receiving gifts with nothing to return but I have to say her gifts were so thoughtful. I had once mentioned long back how much I loved those danish biscuits that come in these dab bas, which my uncle in the dufai used to bring and how lakshmi chichi would ration it out as biscuit, one day for one kid. and she got me silk warmers. They are so comfy, cosy, warmness and she got Anoop a sweatshirt. I consoled myself with the fact that I had remembered her bday and gotten her a Boston Cream Pie. I thought when I got the cake that we would sing or at least light a candle. But umm she was excited that she straight a way cut it up and her weird friend who I do not like was home, so I didn't know what to do.

Boi left today after three weeks of togetherness, happiness, eatingness etc. I miss him terribly. We were driving him to the Airport and I was so tempted to go to Bloomington with him. Go run and get a ticket, I had clothes and brush and panties and boots. what more do I need? But I didn't. I haven't got an ounce of work done. not even looked at any of the documents I have half-assedly saved with titles I think are fancy. I have also got teaching coming up and so far I have only 7kids registered. I hope I don't scare these kids away. I bought some lovely sweaters and a pair of cheap boots. I ate so much and my weight is a solid 142 pounds. :/ I am looking at pictures from the holiday and wishing I had gone off with him. Our Anniv gifts for each other were simple and sweet. He got me a membership to the Coolidge Corner theatre which is so awesome because now I can see these movies for 6$ and I got him a school bag cum gym bag. It had this red cross thing on it and I had a dumb moment where I thought it was from red cross. :/ But noo, it was Swiss something. My gift was a cool gift too, then.

We spent the new years with this delicious Mutton Biriyani cooked by aunt and watched the ball drop and then slept at a respectable hour. Yes. Fun times- no seriously, no sarcasm there. The week from then was a cook-off sorts. I made chill chicken and egg fried rice, uncle made a duck and sausage casserole, A made a thai beef curry and mushroom something, aunty made other assorted things. wine, and cranberry vodkas and uncle got me a pack of Lucky Strikes from his Germany trip. Heh, that was a good moment. I sort of think of them as my in-laws, since I end up talking and seeing them more, and it was kind of funny to think of my father in law getting me smokes. :)

The house is empty. E is playing music somewhere up. AB has gone off to work. I have a movie to watch and a book to read. I have a story to write and a syllabus to plan. and as first step towards hard hard work, I have taken myself off FB for I think the gajjilionth time. Tonight I will probably open the draft one and read. Depressing even thinking about it. One should not be given holidays during grad school. one does not utilize them well.