Kapital

So the capital city it is. no leaving the country, nothing. A is right, i am shying away from first steps and am joining the "i dont like my job but am still in it" group even before joining so that makes me a bigger fool.
i am the president of the fools club.
ok moving on from the self depreciating dialogues, i am quite happy with the place etc.
this translates into more plays and theatre, guitar classes and a ok job.
for now i dont want more. i dont want to test myself and fail. at least not now.

OCD

Greys Anatomy had this character, a patient with obsessive compulsive disorder. He would ask "is this clean?" and you had say clean clean clean three times. for him to beleive it.
he had to repeat things for a definite number. sometimes 62 and then 48, he had to switch the light on and off for a certain number.

seeing this guy was a little disturbing.
i do this on a smaller scale.
i have this number issue where i have to say a certain prayer certain number of times when an ambulance passes by. so that everyone i know is safe.
i have this problem where i set an alarm to wake up and i cant get up before it goes off even if i am wide awake cos i think someone might die.
and more.
on a smaller scale.
smaller.so i should be ok.

Those people who say "Its ok". where are they.

Why is it so hard to be nice to me. is it my face? or is it anything i say. cos i dont remember saying anything at all.
why is it so bloody necessary to push me down each time and put me in a place from where i have difficulty re-motivating me, where i have to repeatedly say "its ok" in my head,till that line sounds shrill even to me.
you know,am just pretending to do this thing right now where i act like i dont know why this is happening. its pretty silly.
pretend to a blog. who doesnt care what crap you load here.
what surprises the most is that there is genuine dislike and i honestly dint know that was possible.
i understand strangers not liking me. maybe its my language or my attitude or my clothes!
whatever.
but this,this is just absolutely knock out stuff.
and what is really tiring me out is: each time i decide this is it! am not going to listen to this anymore. does that really happen.
i am drawn each time into it, not cos i feel d need to clarify but more cos i cant believe so much time has passed by and its not over yet.
what is considered a good mourning period. gime a number. a ball park,anything.
i like time lines. if you could just tell me how long i am going to be doing this regret thing and how long the other side is going to be pushing me over then maybe i could deal with this better.
why dont you get it. i AM a better person. already.
i dont need these classes to make me one.
if that is what the intention is.
what if its not.
i dont want to go there.

Good Luck Me

The First Diet is about to be embarked on, its been painfully procrastinated since almost two months now and i definitely need to get started.
i am thinking no rice-no meat.
these are my only sins. i dont like chocs or ice cream so maybe am a little ahead of other sinners.
i dont drink cola or coffee,at least not enough to cut them from the diet.

The place i come from is huge on a rice fish diet, this is what we eat on a daily basis and thus its going to be hard, but who wants to look like a fat cow on their wedding day and this should be made easier by the fact that am leaving these rice and fish stuffers and moving to the different lands.

to make nothing easier my body has a tendency to gather all its fat around the stomach,right in front, absolutely nowhere else.
most people tell me to thank the weight gods for this cos then i need to work just on this, but this is such a terrible shame,i cant even camouflage it well and when i forget to do that whole breathe deep-hold in technique and all the while smile and talk some camera gets it captured! and later i see me looking wonderfuly pregnant sans the glow.

and more importantly rather tiringly the gym i am about to join or WILL doesnt beleive in just cardio and weights. they have kickboxing and latin dancing.
excellent.
i remember the last trainer i had was such a dedicated soul to my cause, he would wake me up diligently every time and pay no heed to my moaning and weeping, drag me around and by the time i remembered that i could J.U.S.T N.O.T pick up his calls instead of crying into it, i was into the whole work out scene..

so well more when am dead an beat.

ReCheck

You know i was thinking about all those women we dislike..despite not knowing them at all. we get a one sided version of who they are,what they did and so on and we end up not liking them cos they apparently hurt this person we now louw.
the ex girl friend? of the current boi? yeah that girl
most times i hereby conclude we get a watered down version of this person. if this guy is a real slimeball ( u dont know it yet) he tells you about how much " the bitch used him"
think he means to say,sometimes she let him pay for dinner instead of the dutch scene or asked him to pick her up from some places!
if he is still not over her its more like " yeah she is ok,did you see her? yeah where? who was she with? guy? what GUY!" and lots of drunk dialling must be going on
if he is (sigh) back with her and (sigh) you dont know it yet then its more like " who? oh her..hmm i havent thought of her in such a LONG TIME"
i guess he means since last night's all night phone thingy he hasnt had time.

and without really knowing, or finding we dislike this woman.
so it so happened that i had heard so much shit about,lets call her "T" that i was so completely sure about her maneouvering ways and manipulative skills and then at this common friends birthday thing i met her without knowing we shared this common factor, ex, by now.
i had such a ball with this woman. we liked the same books and music and i got the feeling we looked a lil similair,not looks, the whole accessory bit.
no wonder!
and then much later we discover our boi in between and well.
to say it was such a revelation is under stating it.
how many more

Ditto

Thus ends the whole picture taking,sending,arguing,annoyed dilemma!
honestly am tired! for one i dont think there was anything unreasonable in the demand and two,i only made it easier.
but now i am sick and tired so screw it
screw the goddamned frigging pictures.

Wait at the Dentist's

One of the best things about being with the boi is how i am allowed all the mood swings i want to

there are other things
for now: this.
he doesnt pester me wanting to know why,how,when and exactly at what time this particular mood has begun and shall end.
He doesnt want to "sort" it out and quickly move on to the next thing.
He doesnt say "oh cmon it will get better" or " puhlz with that extra emphasis on zz, there is so much more suffering in this world!!!"
This is from experience btw.
The fights are so rare,so so rare that they have become almost something to look forward to.
i wouldnt say its cos we are like what god specificaly send down "together",taking exceptional care to make sure we are that made for each other thing they talk about, i guess its more or less cos we are in the same zone.
maybe cos most times he doesnt rise to the bait
or maybe cos i am laid back and easy going. btw, have you noticed how easy going is said in both tones
when A says it,its got the whole "she is much fun" tones and when the dad says it, its more like "that easy going thing/pain in my ass called my daughter"
anyhoo
so basicaly this means nothing.
its just cos am here in d lobby waiting for the dentist to arrive and i need something to do.

ps: there is nothing wrong with my teeth. they just need some whitening done to them so that when i flash you,you can be blinded.

When You Need That Break

I have finally finished watching baraka
its a documentary filmed in over 24 countries with beautiful images and this lovely,calming sound track.
i kept saving for when i get really bogged down and those cranky moods.
A must for photography enthusiasts with lovely images of the mountains, takes you across to volcanoes, to the gulf war,celebrations of tribes in africa.
A non verbal film that takes you across places,temples,customs and more,shows you nature,the chaos by man.
thought provoking and more importantly strangely calming down.
The basic theme being interconnectedness and diversity, baraka means blessing.

you know you are a pushover when:

you know whats annoying?

when this person you are friends with is doing something a little cheap and you know it and the person knows you know it but neither of you are talking about it.

and then one day outa nowhere the person goes " its really your fault you know that i am doing this"

mouth open,wide,gaping you go "why is that"

and the person says "well cos you knew of it in the first place and you never told me and now i cant stop"

and you go "oh well yeah.sorry"

thats when you know you are a push over.

Discovery

Its packing time again and moving.
i dont really hate this task as most times i just dont bother emptying out and thus i just need to shove some more and move.
yesterday while cleaning out the drawers i came across one of those old i think 8th std or 9th diary which had escaped the mass diary donation to the used newspaper collector.
it was this diary from The Hindu and i see the following paragraph written. this is when i had assured myself a career as a film or book critic.

" saw notting hill today. a poignant love story with the intricacies of stature and positions woven in,blended with exceptional acting skills of hugh grant and julia roberts"

did u say what the fuck? or is that just me again?
and as an after thought i have added at the page end

ps: hugh grant pronounced as *hue grant!

right.

With Respect

The wonderful punching bag called my blog has finally a 100 posts.

i want to see THE HANGOVER.

"Rated R for pervasive language, sexual content including nudity, and some drug material"

excellent for my current perverse mood.

Friends Part 1.

I find using the word "besht friend" a lil funny. i guess am thinking i am too old to say "we are like best friends"so when someone goes so who is your best friend i have these three people in mind but i get a lil squeamish and do some thinking, and finally i say and inevitably they willl go " oh what about so and so"they are in the periphery, these guys are in the zone.
so this is basicaly like an ode. i just like the word.

to begin with there is my closest confidante, the woman i first call when i hear archie is marrying veronica! and she consoles me saying " well you should be happy in any case cos u are no betty"you see why we are friends?
i know you for like five years now i guess and we have had three major fights i guess which we have survived, you have succesfully made me cry which i agree is not a big feat,yet.you have worried for me and consoled me for like ennumerable times,i still have the card you gave me which talks about role reversal when you were being stalked and i had to be the one saying "its not your fault"i guess we did a good job of sticking together.
the memories of you are tons and zillions but some make me smile all the time!like once when someone told us we look similair and that day we were wearing similair white tees and standing in front of that big mirror in goodwill and i am staring in thinking really?and i catch ur eye and i know you are thinking the same and we laugh.
somehow i remember this.

of that one time in my old house when am huddled in that tiny uncomfy bed crying my eyes out,trying to keep it down, and i see your eyes welling up and am so amazed, cos by then my faith in people was so low and it took me by surprise that you cared enough.

of this time when you moved to delhi and you were alone and you texted saying " i wish someone would just hug me and not just like say its ok or pat me" and i so so wanted to be there.

when you texted me saying "we barely seem like friends anymore" and i was so so so worried! i thought "eh she has changed " and i guess you thought the same sitting miles away.

Then there was your birthday in delhi when i was so excited about sending you stuff and i got my ex bf to help me pick a fab india top and i kept wanting to put in earrings and anklets but well logic prevailed.

like all the times when you had fights with the boi and you would cry and i would wish with all my heart to do something to make up where he lacked. when you frowned on all my bad choices and then got happy when i started dating "better" men, when each rut i get out of cheered u up too and how you took all my well meant louw advise and other warnings and decided to just let me go on advising and wisely not act on it!

then there were times you got mad at me, i had no real intention to piss you off but was just being tactless and then when you told me to fuck off and another when i looked pathetic!

but none of that really counts or matters the least when i think of all the times you went "kutty come on!!" you were sensible and honest. and there is so much more but we need to do the rest 2 so i am going to wind you up. at the end of the day i love you and you mean the world to me and i shall always always be around for you.

A Weekend At the Hospital

So my diagnosis was wrong. i had what is called community induced pneumonia. what a long way away from my simple laryngitis. i def knew something was really wrong considering i could barely stand up without the world doing a spin around me and all the while people going "are you ok now?" and you dont want to worry them cos you hardly know them, plus i have always been more on the closed side of things and thus you have the additional effort of trying to look "not sick, strut around confidently and cough less and attract less attention.
and finally am in Dr josephs familiar office which is already comforting and he goes "alright time for you to spend some quality time with us here" and none of my "give me tablets and let me of" is working, he is adamant and to prove his point he shoves the x ray at me where i can see nicely spread patches of sputum decorating my lungs.
he also adds terrible consequences likely to come as a result of my "frivolous" behaviour and all am thinking is when we did we get on such friendly grounds for my doc to term me frivolous?
right.
i have an intense hatred towards hospitals. as much as i love doctors and getting tested now and then for a variety of diseases that my mind convinces me that i do have, i hate the thought of spending a night here.
i hate the smell and more more importantly, i hate people coming to see me.
i look a wreck
so i warn mom and dad and ask them to stay silent. they agree.
but i forget A in my tired mode.
and well.
you cant really blame him. he meant well.
i am back after being Iv"d repeatedly and given the nebuliser and a truck load of medicines
one of them looks like gems.
i have not much to say except i def need to do more yoga and eat green.

So Sho Shoo

That title means nothing.
i think *laryngitis is doing the rounds.
*spelled right?
but am not complaining. i had feared swine flu. i had visions of being *quarantined at Kl airport
again, *spelled right?
googling up swine flu symptoms which said
coughing
sore throat
flu like fever. eh?anyhow
shortness of breath
except the last i had it all and worrying about it i was begin to feel short of breath.
The duty manager at the hotel coudnt wait to get rid of me, he kept phoning me and informing me the check out time and reminding me to pick up my stuff from the safe and adding how do you feel now and now and now
i was too tired and drained out to be rude to him. in fact i patiently answered his questions.

the highlight of today is. i look like shit.i am dressed in a housecoat
with hair that would give the old witch that banquo met some good competition, gargling on salt water and finished an entire course of erythromycin and yet there is blood in phglem and it hurts to sneeze.
and after tremendous effort i log in to facebook and see that my friend from school has nominated me " most likely to bring sexy back"
and as cranky as i am it totally cracked me up. and yes, it hurts to laugh.
in her defense she hasnt seen me in a long looong time.
it hurts to type
ciao

A Full Right Turn

To begin with, i am lazy. i make huge detailed plans which entail a lot from me.
but then this irritating question presents itself in a simple word "why"
and then i negotiate with myself. i make the plan simpler, say, do it tommorow, or do it later or even better dont do it at all.
and then the shit comes down
i panic
but i rationalize that also away. i have gotten very good this.
and so,

when dad said about this multi level marketing job that needed me to drag my ass all d way to malaysia and he said you wanted a trip anyhow
and i whined "but that was egypt"
and he stated " that would be hot now"
and i agreed.
i thought what the hell, leme go somewhere.
till the monday i was leaving, the night before i was still lolling around wondering pondering etc
i had goten in to a routine and it was comfortable and how i love routines. this needed me to go2 chennai, where btw i have no family or friends and i have never been before, wait there for three days in some ladys house who was a friend of a family friend. get the visa done as i had to be at the conference bang on 28th and de needed time and so..
but apparently they dont need time,malaysian visas r done in a day!
they have inside operations you see. all for good money of course. anyhow.

i am on flight, the flight is full of our "team" which till then i had no clue about.
the lady next to me starts asking me questions about downlines and uplines, about team name and how long.
what do i know! the dad who had send me hadnt warned me!
and i like the fool had rushed in without asking and so i bluntly state " see i know nothing but we have 4 hours here and so you are welcome to give me an update if u feel up to it"
she feels up to it. and i get a huge whole picture of whats going on.

like everyone else, i hear network marketing and alarm bells go off.
i am on high alert.
more like oh that scam. but well am here now might as well see malaysia is the POA then.
we check in at the concorde and my roommate is a lovely lady from bangalore who was married to a man from my land. she is immedietly my favorite.
day one goes by uneventful, we walk around sunway pyramid, there is ice skating, that was great fun and shopping which i dont indulge in, cos i am thinking "there is so much more time'" what s the rush!
day2: we reach the malewati stadium.
to begin with the crowd takes me by surprise!
i havent seen 7000 people in the same place before, ever
i hadnt met people from all walks of life, from waiters to CEO's all under the same roof from over 120 countries and i hadnt seen such energy levels last from every day 9 in the morn to 2 in the night.
i admit i was tired to my last bone each day but i dint want to leave. i loved meeting people and talking to them, i loved the whole comfort zone that was there being part of team faith. i even loved our tee shirts
so when dad and A mentioned sight seeing i realised i hadnt been anywhere. it dint seem such a loss but well i needed some things so i went pottering around china town and while i was at it hit the biggest aviary around and the museum ( i am huge on museums) n some mall

but the high light was defintely the v con.
i realise what i always knew was true. i am good at PR if i chose to. i am in my element when with people.
i think il take a shot at this.