Vacacione

Sooo. I had to have a talk with my Amma about not bugging my sister! It was most painful and surprisingly didn't turn in to a fight--which is only because I think she recognized that I wasn't being unfair. Amma basically doesn't have anything to do which in turn means she has taken over V's life which means V is losing her mind which means texts screaming ' I can't do it anymore' which means helpless me which means overall sadness.
So I said all the right things and Amma thankfully didn't say the usual sentimental lines which serves no purpose to V but manages to trick me into feeling guilty.

For e.g her response on any given day is : I know, I know, I have no shame, bothering you both like this when you have abused me so much. Still I come as though asking for more.

to which I say: are you auditioning for some Tamil movie? lines sure sound like it

Her: you will laugh now, but when I am dead...

Aha.

This dead clause is such a mother trick which I think I am the only one who falls for.

So now I am dreading the upcoming home trip. She has nothing to take care for me now so she has this thorough not exactly new (except in the earnestness) interest in my health which no matter how many times I tell her, she won't believe is fine.

So she said, bring your health documents from the surgery. To which I said, yes. Knowing very well I have no such documents. What document? They took the appendix and now I am fine. But she says that pain during period could be this. I don't even know how to respond.
Then there is the whole don't lift weights in the airport. Let A do it. Because women's disks slip easier. God. Amma needs to stop watching the afternoon doctor show on those channels!

Although I am being patient on the phone with all this, in person I am most definitely less kind. And while I enjoy moments of periodic disease panic I hate it when someone else wants to be part of it!! Let me obsess alone!!

I am kind of, sadly, dreading the vacation.

Malayalam

movie binge. I just felt like I needed a good dose of nammade swantham malayalam. Mainly because I never get names for characters right and somehow watching 90's and late 80's helps! Not always but it's a joy always to create mini Kerala in my house, eat a good helping of rice and kootan and fish and watch movies.

Kariyila Kaatu Pole - Padmarajan
Amrutham Gamaya- M.T Vasudevan Nair
Paavakoothu- So unbearably terrible.

Diamond Necklace: * Q: What was this? Ans: When instead of trying to say a good story, the director and writer wanted to moralize, and ended up with a half hearted tale that did no justice to its characters and ended with a feeble warning of sorts. Insulting to any moderately intelligent viewer.

Passenger: **** Absolutely wonderful. I don't know how I missed this one. The true value of this movie is in its sensibility, the places and moments where instead of opting for a grand gesture it steps back and becomes almost a quiet observer. And in this shyness of both plot, moments and the main character's attitudes, it establishes very well what it wanted to to do : Show a good film, tightly wound, and suspense well built and ultimately a good message conveyed eloquently.

Margaritas, Onam, Words, Life

These days my body and alcohol aren't exactly compatible. I get drunk easily and then I feel light for a bit and want to immediately go to bed. Which is where I am right now. I just typed write for right.

I forgot it's Onam till Achan called and wished. That is a first. Onam is so important. How did I forget? I am not doing anything. We will be at our aunt's and she sounds down herself. Erryone got issues.

I realized something. Nothing big, but something. I like doing little things for people and while it gives them joy, it makes me happier and maybe why I do it in the first place. But I don't do any of it with the expectation that I should receive anything in return. If I do that's wonderful, but mostly it's the best feeling to surprise someone or to remember someone's something be it anniversary, birthday or whatever.

Words. Words are crazy. I got no words right now. Kind of ironic, but if there is one lesson I know it is that words flung can't be taken back. The saddest, the most utterly disheartening thing as it seems right now is when someone you trust breaks your heart and it doesn't stop there, it goes on to tinge every thing in your life and soon you are questioning everything done and said. Recently I read a story where a girl discovers that her mother meant to leave her father earlier than when the mother actually left which in turn made the girl question all events, all words, all the moments between that moment of consideration and moment of action. Because suddenly then it occurred to the girl all the falsity in those years. Because everything mother did suddenly shows itself in another light.

This guy who hits on me is getting divorced. People about to get divorced make me nervous. They say and do strange things like this guy for example. He not only hits on me, he does it very half heartedly. It is kind of a fuck-I-am-getting-divorced, I need something to do. It's truly sad and I have no response to it except kind words which I see clearly not helping.
To be divorced when there is a kid to consider seems the hardest thing to do. To share and split and argue about something that was once most important for two people..

I leave you with a few beautiful lines from my friend Ruth's poem.

"We leave each other from the minute we meet,
don't we, and isn't it so strange
how we can touch other &
stay cold? How I forget to pray for you."

We will be okay

On saturday when A, called I had fallen asleep on the couch with my book. I had a target of 200 pages to read and there was fifty to go. I usually turn the phone to silent when I take a nap but this was an accidental nap and when his ringtone continued insistently, I finally picked up and said, groggily, yes, what, hoping he would notice and hang up. But he sounded upset, and I was immediately awake. He had gotten rear ended and he kept saying, he was okay and was in some rest-room. Rear ended didn't sound so bad and I was relieved he was all right.

and then began all the insurance, the number crunching, the calls. It turns out, she is too far gone to be repaired. You know, it might be sound silly, but she was our girl. When I first started dating A, he told me about her, he had a name for her. Swappu, short for swapna sundari, :), dream girl it meant. Man and Machine, I thought. When I got to bloomington, A and swappu came to chicago to pick me up. She is a blue verona, paint chipped a little on a side. She is about seven years old. A's first big investment after college.

And then a few days later, after dinner, I tried her out in a parking lot. She was very compliant. A gave me the spare key. A taught me to drive with her. We fought much in the car. I got my license with her. What a joke that day she was. I am glad she got to see it. She had been having some trouble. she would stop, suddenly. But almost always start again, protesting a little but she would. we spoke occasionally of giving her away, but eventually we would come to- no, she will retire in a garage in a house we will buy someday.

We drove to Indianapolis to the Indian store, loaded up with Indian sweets and stuff. I drove back. and then when A got the internship in California, we decided to load up and do cross country. She was perfect during the drive. Three days up, three days down. In Santa Clara, she had some battery trouble. But that was it.
We have gone to so many places with her- Chicago, Boston, Yosemite. Vegas. I am so sad, but I keep telling myself, look at all the stuff she saw. A will probably write about her life with him before I arrived.

I am going to put up a picture of me and her, when I find it. But she was our first car, and we loved her. Enough to cry, now that she is gone.
You know we would keep you if we could. How we get attached to everything.

Sounds and Silence

My mother, she hated sounds. She had a migraine, or she claimed one most days. The house we rented was not on the main street. The only sound there was, would be an occasional fish-seller on his cycle, a scooter, the neighbors dog barking once in a while telling us all he was still there.

I detested and loved summer holidays. I detested and loved school. Both for the same reason. Escape. All I wished was to escape her face. If you have a mother like mine then you know better than anyone what helpless means.  To be not able to console her, to say more than- when I grow up, I will never make you cry or act like a clown to just get a rare laugh out of her.
Helpless, both me and her. Her, in her inability to take solace in her kids and mine, my age. What was I to do today that would solve things, was my single most prominent thought from age eight to say, sixteen.

I am always fascinated by definitions. My uncle gifted me a big blue hard bound dictionary. Years later I would check up words- Respect, helpless, intercourse, fidelity, woebegone. These are the ones I remember.

My mother knew no better. I am 26 soon and she had me and my sister by the time she was twenty six. Most of my ideas are insane, most of my thoughts, even now are childish. I am still probably playing games with myself, sometimes with my husband and life. Why then should I expect my mother to have made sane, practical choices, decisions based on pragmatism. No, I don't blame her at all. Its just life playing tricks.

My mother screamed at me if I made the slightest sounds. And so I wouldn't sneeze too loud. I had occasional sneezing fits, mild wheezing. I hid under the parapet. There was a giant square shaped hole built for perhaps accommodating two air conditioners, my favorite summer housing. I waited there till my sneezing fits were over. Even now I can't bring myself to sneeze loudly. Everyone deems it cute- Like a kitten's sneeze. There is nothing cute about it. Its just habit.
Sneezing wasn't allowed, the atrociousness of that is now so clear.

The person I live with now is a mother. She is amazingly patient, and generous. She gives more than she asks for. I watch the fights she has with her daughter and sometimes I am jealous. If only my problems had been as simple as- you 'ordered me to cook dinner.'
I have cooked dinner for four sullen people by candlelight. In this house, my earlier fears of sound pop up. When they were having a fight and my phone beeped loudly,  my heart literally jumped in my throat. Silence is at all times the norm, don't you remember that?

My mother sends me sad texts now. They are all in abbreviated form but I can sense the sadness in these- i wsh i hd dn tngs dif"

You don't need to say it amma, I reply, I already know, no grudges.

Sister Post

My sister is throwing one of her monumental fits of anger. She has shut herself in since morning, in fact late yesterday night and has still  not come out, it being a whole 24 hours. Me? I am pretty pissed and have called her many things to mum. It annoys me terribly at the same time that she can bring out such evilly childish feelings in my again, at this age! And I cant help yelling at amma about it, cos you know, there is nothing else to do.

Typically these bouts of mood swings are handled by me. So I am familiar with how it goes, she whines and sighs about her college and lack of a life. I try and get her to focus on the fact that "its juuust two more years" which is so hard to even explain cos each time you have to do it inno-vatively. I ask her to join something, cochin isnt that bad, like swimming- which yes she went but she didnt like any of the girls, :/  story of her life since childhood. she never likes anyone!! and  then, she likes dancing, so I say join this somewhat awesome decent salsa club and you will meet lot of kids who I am sure you can get along with- but, no.

I know all this requires some amount of effort and I dont know what else to say! And the worst part is I think she is becoming terribly self centered and insensitive rather to others. The kids in her class, sweet kids but obviously clearly not cool kids, they like her a lot. she yells at all of them :/ and yet they- her roommates put up with her and surprise her for her bdays and such. And the kind of things she says about them, I am just glad they will probably never hear it.

Anyway I dont even know what this anger is about, but I think something to do with me leaving and us not having done anything- like taken a trip. Now this is really not my fault, each weekends rolls in il text like a fool, lets do something V?
NO Echi, I am too tired, too many books, too many some crap. and then now very unfairly she accuses me of spending just one fun day outside!! Which is all her, we go out, she will get pissed about somefucking thing and not talk to us-me and mum, we also get grumpy and thus it ends. Our poor driver! I swear, turn here,no there, go home, NO WE ARE NOT GOING. He once parked on the side and didn't say anything till we sorted it!

So then today when June and M came, obviously I thought she would you know, show the courtesy of coming down! I just didn't imagine that she wouldn't, it was the oddest thing. I cannot just digest that she did not even open her door and this is after she came with me to Bangalore and we stayed at June's for some 2-3 days.
How does one behave like that! Even if any bad mood was happening I would never pull something like this. Even when I am really super angry I def consider the crowd and place.. I dont get it. I kind of blame Amma, her being so all indebted to V for doing this medicine thing as per her wish and so apparently we must not nettle her. :/ So mad!

And then I am sitting her seething, not planning to blog but then suddenly facebook shows me some update and V, is tagged in some photo and I go looking and I see her in her white coat and sthethescope in a picture with some girls, I guess she did not know it was being clicked and her face, is so sad. One of those looking far away sadly faces...It just makes me not not mad. There ends my anger.

Mum and I

Mum and I, work best if we have a couple of oceans between us. It’s been less than a week and we are already on not speaking twice. Though, one thing has changed, she makes up first! That phenomenon itself was so amazing I let her do it twice, but now I feel bad so il take the next one.

The fights itself are super silly but they will escalate into something else if we are a little careless. Plus I think my general tolerance has gone down much because of other problems. So I am ready to snap at any small thing. Not good.

The first fight was so unexpected and quite sad really. So the news in Kerala is quite ridiculous these days or always but now it just seems incredulous. In the paper here are some things I read :

a)      In Malapuram, I believe, a group of women complained to the police that these guys strutting about with low waist jeans, showing off their red and green underwear ( colors subject to imagination) are making them uncomfortable and that action needs to be taken!

Mum and I used to have clothes- arguments. Though I wore whatever was comfy for me always the arguments never stopped. These days she actually doesn’t care but we have still go to argue on it. So my general theory is men who say that “oh of course rapes happen because of the way she dresses” need to be slapped really hard and then other heinous things done to them. Mum says that their argument is quite right to an extent and that in really rural areas this might actually be the case. I honestly don’t think she believes that anymore but because she made this statement once she is sticking it by now, years later. Uhm.

b)      _ A father beat up his three year old kid so bad, so bad and ran away. The papers carried the little kids pictures. His back black and blue, bruised. With cuts and clotted blood..or something. These days I am also very teary eyed about any damned thing and the more I stared at the pictures the more the tears wouldn’t stop. And so I am sitting them fingering the back of the little boy and stupidly I say “ Maybe If this kid didn’t have a mum maybe we could have done something”

Mum immediately pounces on me, like what? Money stuff?, we still can, she says.

I fumble around because that’s not what I meant and she knows it. Adoption is a much gnawed bone with her and she wont let me just let this go. She goes on to say how the kid is cute and sad now, yes, but later the dads genes will show up and what are you going to do then.

I don’t know what I am going to do then. It was just a thought so I had no answers.

This was just a momentary thought and I wouldn’t have acted on it but she makes more lines that make me sound like an irresponsible adult who makes bad decisions for her family. Which you know, I AM NOT.

Then she asks me what would happen if I have one of each, one mine and one not. :/ and mine kicks mine-not really hard. What would I do then! I would do exactly what I would if both were “my blood” which btw reminds me, I get a very hair standing up feeling when people say the word blood to me.. it just seems wrong. Don’t say blood. Like thaaat.

Anyway I say that’s what I would do and she says, well that’s all you, if I see something like that I would give a nice beating to the mine-not kid. I am stupefied. The reason I make these arguments and issues with her is because I think she is genuinely capable of thinking otherwise. I am not saying I want to change her, I don’t, I only want her to appraise any situation with an open mind and not go there with pre determined opinions. Go there, stay there, meet people, kids whatever and then decide for yourself is what I always say.

Another reason is I have heard mum actively defend gay rights so this adoption thing is quite amazing for me. Her vehemence. My last point always bores well. I always tell her how it’s sad that a little kid somewhere with all this love inside her and with no one to give to, I tell her how, I sort of understand what that feels like. Then she looks just sad and guilty and il wish I hadn’t said it so this time I didn’t. I just let her be. We will take it one step at a time, I say in my head.

These are the main arguments. Chinthi arguments are quite stupid and silly. For eg. The servant lady is relatively new. Every morning all the dust and allergy makes me sneeze and I sit moping with red eyes for a bit. All the sneezing my brains out gives me this horrid headache early morning and I can’t move for a while. So I have glasses and glasses of hot water and then vitamin c and then become less grumpy. So today I say- no no no chai for me, just  hot water and I wait and I wait. Servant lady is gone off somewhere. And I wait, and no water.

So I go into the kitchen and instead of just doing it myself with dignity :/ I bang the pot around for a bit making my irritation well heard. :/

She is looking at me in wonder. I bang the glass too. Steel glass, yes. And then I am waiting for it to boil because she has not repaired the microwave about which I grumble and she says “oh this water, I thought you meant water to have a bath”

Apparently heater is not working too ;so she is generously boiling a big chembu of water on the stove :/

I wonder if she is paying any attention then, I mean she is yelling at me about homeo and ayurveda for the sneezing but she doesn’t see me drink the damn water every day!

And so goes on our days. Its humid and humid. My i-20 is still “processing”- Asseholes. The fucking apt is gone. No universe for me, MK. I told you.

The allergy’s are sort of getting better but still painful. I am happy to be here, yes really. But I am already ready to head back. This has never happened for me. This wanting to leave here! Quite the odd feeling. The food has its charm still but I already feel like I have a double chin and if I lower my head a bit more I have triple chins- sister says if you lower it that much everyone will have triple chins. She has a point. 

I miss the boi here and there. Mostly when the chechi makes yummy food. So far I have had beef fry and chicken stew and idiappam and karimeen fry. Doughnuts from Annes, courtesy P.

I went out with the girls one night to this new or quite new lounge in cochin. The dry martini  was really not dry and old men with balding heads lounged in the lounge. :/  the guy poured lots of water in P’s rum and M, had a terrible looking cocktail that tasted like mouth wash which she then abandoned.

I know I am only whining but there is nothing to be happy about. This week I am to confront greebro also. Which is already giving me a headache. Though I write very confidently and happily about things that are just wrong, saying it to someone gives me the you know…dad is also trying his level best to make sure I don’t but if I don’t do this now I will have no peace of mind when I go back.

But despite all this it’s good to see her. She looks happy when I am around, or say my sister says. She looks happy with my little gifts and makes her funny comic faces if I ask more than twice. ;o

More on everything in a bit. Its three here and I just finished watching this fun Malayalam movie and tomorrow I have got to re pierce my nose- long story that. So later!

About everything that's going on RIGHT NOW

I get along so much better with boi's uncle's and aunt's than mine. Somebody once said that in every family there will be this one/ at least one pain in the ass-greedy-extremely manipulative fucker. My family, both sides seem to be amply blessed, maybe we have a couple of extra quotas too. Earlier we only had to deal with the greedy grandmother will all her sly demands of my father. once upon a time, we were very poor and my dad still feels guilty about not having kept his mother in all the glory that she deserves.  not. :/

Anyway so now he seems to be making it up and more and more. one of the primary reasons my parents dont get along is this piece of crap hanging around. It was very very nasty to my mum in those days, making her cry and saying these horrid things to her. I used to stand around watching this scared to say anything back cos evil thing used to be all powerful in those days.

My mum happens to be one of those people who has gotten stronger with time. she has also cultivated a very obscene mouth. Mum was brought up by this gentle soul, the kind of woman who wouldnt say anything back even if you crossed her, over and over. Mum never knew passive aggressiveness or giving back just the way you get it... well, you should see her now.

Of course I am glad. Really really glad, once must stick up for themselves ultimately right? The only problem is my dad is now all willing to forget old tragedies and start out again and...she is not.  she has a point, I cant help seeing her point. she has lost more than anyone over the past 26 years. There is no reason she should be forgiving now. I think she wants to but she cant quite do it..

It would help if the greedy grandmother hadnt given birth to so many useless kids and now my dad is expected to support all these idiots. well, to be fair just one. This one useless brother. clingy, whiney, complaining. His latest argument is " All of you brothers went off abroad and did well. I didnt. I hung around here looking after out parents so now I expect to be paid back"

This angered me more than anything he has said so far. So much that I have been yelling at my dad, wondering how he cant see the flawed logic.

cos.
1. He is utterly use-fucking-less. He started a number of things only to fail miserably, all funded of course by my generous father.

2. who the fuck says this! Its like me saying, Hey, V, look I am bringing our parents to the U.S and looking after them, why dont you give me some money now for this. I mean you are a doctor, you must have lots lying around.

3. This looking after that he did, was basically taking an auto and coming to the ancestral house and having a second lunch and going to sleep. :/ yes, if one of them fell sick he would  drag them them to the hospital after much whining about his "busy schedule" and then ask for exorbitant amounts for a few lab tests.

what a joke. seriously. what.a.fucking.joke.

Now his older daughter is to be married, she is in her final year btech or something, barely 21. I will give you three guesses why they are getting her married off so early. I bet you will never guess.

Cos the evil thing from space wants to see one more wedding of her grandchild before she dies.

Anyone? anything? yeah ok

Now my mum is willing to overlook this extra louw for the mother, part. she really is but then my dad is expected to conduct this wedding. The old evil thing with all that teeth hanging out has divided her property- a piece of dry,stupid land amongst her kids. Its on top of a fuckin hill and its not going to be sold forever.

Now the evil brother knows this. but still he wants to sell it but the evil thing from space doesnt want a foreign feet to step on this land. can you believe this? can you believe this!!! so she wants my dad to buy it. and the brother wants some fuck all price for it.

Obviously mum is going to be mad. hopping mad. Me too, folks. Me too.

My dads arguments are

1. she probably wont survive one more year. Not true, he has been saying this for ten years. She will outlive me and my kids.

2. I want to see what happens if someone else buys this fucking land.
    if a "kafir" steps on it. I mean who says that anymore.GOD.

3. The old piece of crap has been getting her way for too long.

I had to interfere and stop him. They all know its me and probably hate me, I couldnt care less. I kinda get the feeling my parents will not last this one out if he does go ahead and do it. So after much emailing and arguing ( ugh) finally we have all agreed that dad will give them that big chunk of cash and we get a promisory note saying greedy brother- lets call him- greebro,  will sell this before so and so date and give it to us back. what all I had to say. what all.


And in between this, I was unfriending people on FB? It showed some 300 people, I dont know 300 people. So I was doing that and I took off greebro's kids. :/ It wasnt a malicious act or anything, I mean I like the kid. Its a sweet kid. I just didnt feel comfy having them all look at my drunken pics or something and commenting in their hush shussh what has come over her-amerigas has spoiled her-type lines. AS IF.

So this is the new issue. The daughter cried. Greebro called my dad and said what did greebro kid do to me etc etc. I felt a lil guilty. so I lied. :/ said I deactivated my account and told dad strictly not to make this about some stupid FB shit.

Will have to see greebro this June. :/ UGH.

That useless feeling

May 25th, Wednesday.

I love living here for many reasons which I wont go into now. but how useless I feel is when someone back home passes away. Its the dreaded phone call and the silence and the not knowing what to tell them. Then the tears and then eventually you calm down. The memories are then slow creepers but they are mostly happy memories punctured in between with thought of a return- to a house empty of the person. One does not get used to that quickly because one has not been there. And so its possible then that when you walk into that, more or less the same house, you expect them. To walk out from the bathroom, eyes straining with age and ailments. Light shining in those old droopy eyes, perking up at the sight of your face. One waits for them on the verandha to bring out hot milk and coax you into drinking it despite your protests.

What else is there to do, Except wait endlessly. Some of these deaths never leave you, their kind are the devastating kind. They come with the what if's and only if and if only and pangs of terrible doubt and guilt. Things that never leave you. These deaths also called suicides, they never let you forget. The person in question, their lives and motives analysed forever and ever while you shed your tears into tired pillows.

what good are these tears- you constantly ask. What good are you, you who never helped in any way. what good are any of you and then once you calm down you need to go back to the art of living and shamelessly, almost deviously, you attempt to negotiate with yourself.

what could you have done. you were young, You had no money, your parents had no money.

That small nagging feeling does not help, it tells you clearly, shouts at you that there is something. Where can you hide knowing you can never tell anyone. You can never blog about it and let the readers purge you from your shame. Even if its anonymously you have confessed and all you need to do is wait it out. It never ends till perhaps you are dead too, with you till your fire you carry these burdens,this perhaps is a befitting punishment. Though there must be more, you tell yourself. There has to be more ways to punish yourself.

There are stars. Many many stars who you believe are the people who left early. There is a little kid there, a grandmother and some others who you perhaps didnt know too well. but they are all there. When you escape an accident unscathed or you are saved from something by just a second you look up and say your silent thanks, for looking out for me.  Do you deserve it? No, you know, you dont. And yet you act like you do. Let the tears never end. Let every tear remind you.


A's granduncle, passed away tonight. He led a full and mostly happy life. He is that one point for all of them, my mother-in-law, amma having lost her parents early. I wish I was back home with her, there isnt much I can do but just be there for her and hold her. These are times when all the charms on offer seem not worth. it. It is after all only a small short life we live. where is time for everything. one must regret, live and wait for death. There is never enough time. 

Days ahead

So I had planned a huge easter lunch for me, boi and boi's friend. and then my back problem has cropped up again. Its always in the same place, just my lower back and I can barely move without arching forward and walking like my old dance sir. Its ridiculous pain and I hate pain killers cos I am scared of ulcers but finally it got bad enough that boi convinced me to take it. So I feel much better. But easter lunch is off cos I am working tomorrow and today everything was supposed to be marinated. I am sad.
This was supposed to be my big lunch before leaving types and its not going to happen.

I am making a list of doctors I need to see when I go to India next month since its so expensive here for you know, paranoid folks like me who need second opinions and long sessions with the doctor. So, dentist obviously! Yaay! I looouw dentist visits. Its been a year precisely so there is that. A gyanec visit. check everything out, do my pap smear and a vaginal exam and a breast exam. Again, exactly a year. A visit to the ENT to get my ears cleaned out. They are such a mess and I dislike Johnson's buds.  and finally to the general physician for you know usual bloodwork. I know some of you must be thinking what the hell, but the one's who know me for a while know this is just regular. Better safe right, than.. And in my case better paranoid and at ease than..

Totally looking forward to May. Boi is doing an internship so I am following him to San Fran. As of now its supposed to be a three day road trip and though I am a little worried, I am super excited too. It also means I can carry a lot of shoes and bags. I will be with him till June mid and then I will be off to India for my visa and happy with friends and folks time. I have already told amma we will be going to Calicut just to eat at that beach restaurant run by this lady who does this amazing thing where she stuffs mutton with chicken and that chicken with eggs. Its craaazies!
I am going to convince June to come to Kannur and then Telly! and I am going to let Lakshmi Chechi do anything she wants with my hair. All her hair oil and natural masks and all her lovely food. I am going to take her shopping too and buy her lovely colorful sarees and sandals and go have faloodas and see a malayalam movie with her cos you know she loves being spoiled that little lady.

This was supposed to be short. ;/ I wont spoil it but wait for the real deal! June in kerala is awesomeness esp if you plan on staying indoors a lot. Heavy heavy rains and an amma who is proud of me. It couldnt get better folks. 

Bitching about kerala

As much as i love kerala and cochin esp,somethings are just not worth it. And i am so frustrated right now that i can bitch about it without feeling too many qualms. So one of the wonderful things about keralites is their ability to say no. Its quite a movement really. They excel in the art of saying No to anything in many different ways. Here are a few of the one's i have come across.
The hunched-over-dirty-desk No: Here you come across very shabbily dressed women/or unshaven men in offices that havent been dusted since their grandfathers worked there. I get it.You hate your job.you hate when people ask you questions.you just want to go home,drink old monk and die as early as possible. But i cant do anything about it now. i need answers.i need to know how to change my surname,where to get the form,how long will it take.
So this person will barely look at you. you start talking they say nothing. you speak wondering if they are listening and at the end just about when you are winding up,they will say a quick brisk abrupt No. You can just easily miss it. so the idiot that you are,you will say: what? i am sorry? They will grunt again: NO.

The sympathetic No: These guys are true artists. They lead you on. They are kind with oval plump faces and fat fingers. they will listen to you.resting their chin in their palms. peering at you with oh-no that happened to you? eyes. and the idiot that you are you will think,oh thank god there is someone who gets it.though her hair smells funny. but who cares about that right now. i am sure she is going to be useful. You give her a slightly more exaggerated version of your story,add some funnies,give her some laughs. AND in the grand finale she will say : "hmm so yeah..no. " You: what! i am sorry? they will smile at you, maybe pat your shoulder and say of course we cant do it.

Then there is the hop-skip and jump no.
Here basically they are training you to be flexible acrobats. they say jump you jump.they say run to counter 2 now,you make a mad dash, you reach there,counter 2 is just closing. You are lead to the "information" section where more people dismiss you.
and at the end of all this you come back home defeated with your things still incomplete reeling from the sheer negativitiy.

But. But,the good part is. yeah,of course there is a good part! you become adept at dealing with this. You go to anyplace prepared to counter attack the No brigade. you carry all the fucking forms from the history of form making days. Registration,confirmation.his mothers birth date number.
you get the idea. You are ready because you trained.
but sadly your mother is not. She calls you at 3 in the mornings now because she no longer cares that you should get your sleep cos she,is running around hearing the No's. You want to say "hey remember the times when i used to come home and tell you that is how they behave and you said its because i did not try hard enough??"

Har har.

No laughs there. Really. No.

Somethings are best said..out aloud

My house when i was a kid or growing up, was not quite the bright shiny place you would want to rush back from school to. It was the kinda place where fights were laced with heavy alcoholic stupors and when crying became so normal that everyone thought it weird when impassiveness set in. Where lights wouldn't be switched on sometimes even after dark and i wasn't sure if i should because what if. just what if, lights were the problem.
But i would like to think that i turned out okay. Of course there are a zillion insecure moments and a zillion unresolved fights but at some point i learned to push it all back and focus. keep a one track mind on the current. it was hard but it did happen.

Some children, Boi for eg grew up protected. I am sure there are cons for that too but i had the other extreme. I had no one asking whats that now? you flunked really?

okay i made that one up, i never flunked till like college. But i lied. I lied so much that it was hard to stop. i made up so many random stories to friends and thus losing them all. i have not one single childhood school friend.

My imagination was on a roll, i tell you. At one point, i told my "gang" that "Hey guess what, a robber entered our house last night and i, I, Tackled him. The police said they are probably going to give me a bravery medal"

That was probably when they had enough and kicked me out. In retrospect it was ridiculous. what was i thinking? clearly, i wasnt.

The lying became a habit one that i have had to work on really hard, and i mean really really hard. like harder than quitting smoking,Yeah,now you know.
In the many relationships that eventually happened i continued to lie. simple stuff,really. Like if i dint pick up a call and they asked me where i was. I could say- i was sleeping. But no, i was at a movie, I was gardening.
I was biting my hair out.
You get the idea. No one really figured for a while. And then one guy. He saw through it,or literally saw me do it. I was standing outside the coffee shop because they wouldnt let me smoke inside and wiggling eyebrows at general Mallu public when he calls,i pick up and

He says" Hey,arent we supposed to meet up.."
Me: Oh i have an afternoon class,just on my way back"
Him: Really
Me: yeah! these stupid Nuns.
Him: I can see you. I am on the other side of the road. Turn.
Me: I hung up
Well.

We broke up. The lying stopped one day. I wont tell you why or how. Because its hard. maybe later. with the boi, i told him early on.My need to be thoroughly honest,Mainly because if i start i wouldn't be able to stop and boi, poor boi, has had to deal with many a crappy situation.

One of the good things that came out from the whole childhood lie spree was Tanuja. When i got kicked out from the group,ugh, i started spending all my free time in the library. Tanuja would always be there. One day she said " do you want to be friends"
Me: Why..
Her: i know you dont have any
Me: That is true.

Tanuja went on to become my closest friend till i moved schools and even later. but then like most of the rest i lost touch with her too.
She was one of the bright spots back then. I should look her up..

Just another day

So this is silly,but just for me to remember this incident.
So Amma and i talk almost every day. Sometimes she will annoy me,and i will threaten her with dire consequences and general yelling but as days goes by and the gap of having seen each other increases she is becoming more and more less focused on my many faults and more expressive about missing me which obviously am all thumbs up for.

Anyway i have told Amma to give me a missed call whenever she is free so that i can call her. which she almost always never does and when i call she will either be out,or in the loo,or watering plants or walking with the neighbours or watching a show!! (i know!),of course for the last she is always willing to shut the tv down.Anyway for a couple of days now i have been busy wt random things and weekend since A is home i end up not calling on weekends.
So today i realise its been almost 4 days of not talking to her or no texts nothing, With me,there is a problem,if i havent talked to a person for a bit,i cant quite talk again without first chatting over some other medium.so i text amma asking what the hell,where has she been (yes,the problem doesnt stop me from being rude)
she texts back saying "nower,i thot u wr busy"
First i feel all aww about the text which sounds exactly like how i would text,short form and all.and then i feel bad that she thought i was too busy to even find time for her!
I immedietly become "wholesome" again and call her.

Thats all.

Arm and Eye candy

So almost at all of achan's parties,get togethers,launches any damn thing i feel foolish. i feel very eye candy though am sure he will be offended if i mention it.
Its his own fault,am not even remotely outgoing or friendly,so one has to wonder why he wants me there.

So yesterday was his new company's corporate launch and he texts me saying "important.look good.no jeans." and as an afterthought he adds "please?" and as heart wrenching as that was i was in no mood to get dressed or even step out in this heat.
much lazing around and delaying was done during which he calls and goes "ready?" and am wondering at his energy! i say "not reallly..do i have to hmm come?" and he gets obviously annoyed as expected and am hoping this ends with " fine.dont" but instead he goes " all this you have learned from your mother"

And as expected i got pretty mad cos after all my strict warnings not to mention abuses about each other to me they still do it! so i hung up on him.
Now hanging up on people make me uncomfortable. i usually tend to keep ph convo's short or like june says if i am done with it i cough for 3times and then say " yeah.hmm not feeling good,bye for now!!"

But hanging,hanging up makes me nervous. so i called back and he cut me off!
i thought thats it,in a way good,i can now just read my book and drink water melon juice in the tub. everything was looking good. but obviously someone like me is likely to have a sneaky dad! he send the driver who says " not ready yet!!"
sigh.
I cant obviously send him back! The bright side is achan definitely knows me.
I go there. get bored. jaw hurts from fake smiling. listen in amusement to acha crack bad jokes and the crowd  laughs, watch people praise him,call him a "brand by himself". wonderful.
dont eat.say, here i came now i go. he says no wait and drags me around saying "my daaauter"
:)
its ok really. i dont mind much. i guess. It would help if these abouve middle aged men wouldnt squeeze my hand so hard and do the whole eye me top-down.

Guilt seems to be my middle name

This is just too bad. seriously! its like the higher authority in the sky peered down anxiously, and picked me. Hand picked me. to be the person bound forever and forever by one overwhelming feeling. Stoopid guilt.

Exaggerations apart, i am at dad's now. for a week.
and its awesome being here with him. He completely spoils me,makes time for me and buys me many things!
and i can only constantly think of how when i am here i feel terrible that he is so alone. when am there, i feel horrid for her,that she is so alone and when are they both in the same place, they make me wish like i never had to meet them both!
I want to interfere and set things right, make the score even, sort all their problems. But history never lets me.
There jas just been too much pain and sadness and if there is one character who isnt willing to let go and forget then there is not a point, no matter how hard i try.
and in moments of sanity i know that its not in my place to take sides or say anything at all in fact cos who knows it better than the person who had to put up with everything.

But anyway
for now am really happy being here, we went yesterday shopping and he got me this really cool phone.
Its june's phone model except its in purple! and so pweetyyy!
I also got two new nose studs, in ruby and emerald and they are also so pweetty. ok,i seem to be doing that a lot.
We then went to costa and achan complained about the mug size! He is become quite the champion whiner.
But he has lost so much weight and is looking so good! pretty much like my brother, as he claims!

I am going to miss him so so much.

The Whys hows and whens

Everthing happens so fast. By the time my brain catches on its already over. Done. Kaput. Everyone would have already done their bits. My act is always reserved for the last and so there is much expectation on what i will say, my performance,will they be moved? will there be sighs, will people say 'is that it?"
But everything changes so fast
As always il stand in one corner wondering when! Il bite my nails off to the very end where the skin meets the nails. chew them off, till small dots of blood appear and all the while il keep saying how!

Today i came down late as always,Putting to best use these last few days at home, where i can be devoid of all duties, even the small things i used to do to help mum is done with, why? cos these are the last few days! Its all bullshit really. Am just a lazy piece of work.
But yes, i came down late, switched on the tv and settled on the couch and watched the mug of chaya she had left on the table, the steam go up. I like it really,scalding hot, inevitably i burn my tongue everytime, but me and tongue are used to it, maybe we even like it.

They were showing this on tv. Morning mallu movies- I like spending the morning watching mallu flicks and this was my ever time favorite. It seems like such a sign now though, Mum called me for breakfast. The bowl of watermelon had flies on the side, i dint mind much. Flies, mosquitoes, its all ok. I swat them off if they sit on my face but mum, she has a problem and i could hear go on and on. About the damn flies. her voice seemed very far away so i was ok ignoring it but then she came and sat down next to me and went on and on!
I told her to shut up! Maybe my exact words were " Would you please just shut up! god,on and on and on. about some stupid fly!" and then i went on and on " what is wrong with you! so what if some flies sat on my fruit, am i making you eat it"

If she retorts to this in a hurt voice i immedietly make up with my many sorrys and i do genuinely feel bad but more often she doesnt! And today she goes " yah keep saying that,maybe god will shut my mouth and you can be happy"

This too i have heard. And like everything else when said too often it loses face value. You are ok hearing her go on about god's many plans of killing her. But then she mentions something else.
" look at the paper, that girl who studied with you. Her mum died yesterday. Maybe he will call me too early enough so that you can have all the flies you want sit on your fruits"

I felt very dazed. Whose mum.. her mum.But facebook had just shown me her and her mum the other day. All happy. I had looked at her mother wearing those pretty fab india skirts and told mine " when do you plan on loosin those kilos to climb into those jeans !" and mine had said " soon soon" and she had said about how if nothing she would go for liposuction or some surgery that made your stomach smaller and i. I had been about to leave but had sat her down and lectured her. In detail.Though the easy way out had much appeal for me.

I looked in the paper. It was true. Her mother had passed away yesterday. She was in school with me. Pretty in a petite way. She had some weird problem i remember, her eyebrows began to fall off one day. She used to come home and mum used to make chicken curry,hot and very spicy for all of us. we had it with curd. But then like all my friends then i had some falling out about some stupid misunderstanding which i never bothered clearing up. i had stayed over at her place and her mother had made us many things. I cant remember a single thing now, But many things.

I cant remember when we all got so old that all along with us our parents got old and are now dying. Like p said i dont expect anyone to replace them,To be as patient with me as them but when i picked A for my husband it occured to me that some day when these people do leave me il need someone who will just have to somehow make up, somehow get me through it and am always glad its A.


I love many things about her, my mother.The part where she is a scatter brain not so much! she is always knocking into things and she keeps the house in such disorder, that its hard to find anything here! she isnt so wired up about cleaning and keeping everything spick and span unlike many other ladies her age,that i have seen, Dust i guess is ok with her! Magazines, paper, Books its all everywhere and the cause of many of our fights.
She doesnt read much,fiction and books but is alwys updated about whats happening around her.Is basicaly lazy just like me and wants to try out new recipes and wow us but thinks "maybe tomorrow" but having me for a daughter this becomes hard,what  with me going "look at all the things p/june's/tash's mum makes" God alone knows what they make, but i name many a delicacy supposedly made by those mothers and our lady gets down to work. yeah am very cheap that way
Whenever we go out,for coffee or a movie or even just a walk to the temple i have the best time ever with her. We make all kinds of plans which we know wont happen in all likelihood but its so much fun these plans..
For a long time,a little even now, my relationship with her was based on guilt, anything i did or dint do was out of guilt.
I kept trying to be better, a little more like what she wanted, but it was doing nothing for me so i had this huge long discussion filled with tears and many a bitter word and with time we settled down in to our roles. More comfy as days go by.Whenever she goes in to her cuddle-her-baby mode which i btw louw much she will go " if you were a baby again i would things so differently" in a voice that breaks my heart. I tell her vehemently that even though she dint get many things right she did a great job and that i couldnt possibly love anyone more than her.I dont think she beleives me.

I know she will always continue to take on a huge chunk of my mistakes and make it her fault. Anything i lack i know she thinks will be because of something that did she did not do right.

I know i cant solve all that but i can do small things to make your day. Which i will.
Meanwhile
I wish to go over and see my old school friend but the crowds and the crying and the people i might know. My own tears very vulnerable and willing to jump at the drop of a hat. And the fact that am basicaly a coward when it comes to death and that i cant hold a crying person or touch them or maybe even say anything that they want to hear makes me want to not go.

what now

A Thing of the past

I have always thought that everything comes with an expiry date and mostly i have been right. which is probably why i have a huge amount of tolerance when it comes to my parents. i have sat on the sides and watched the endless fights, the accusing fingers,the many miserable nights. since a while am trying the neutral approach where i dont really pick a side or i try not to involve me despite their many attempts to do so. he says " tell her that i am not interested in hearing this anymore" and she says " ask him never to call me again"

much earlier me and the sister tried many ways of dealing with this, for a while we pretended this was what most houses were like, we played the tv loud as we had seen in some serial and laughed loudly ignoring them, then we grew up and grew out of that.the problem is its hard not to pick a side, after a while you get used to the noise and since it seems repetetive you learn to ignore the content which is obviously a mistake cos you can get taken by surprise. which is probably why when she said "i even hate signing his name next to mine" and that too not with resentment but more of a calm defeat it struck me. this is when the side taking happens.my dad got a job abroad and left a while back while she chose to stay back citing many a reason which i now am thankful for.

i have always watched all this with a kind of annoyance wishing i was more detached but often its more a pity, they live so sadly,if i try putting it differently, focused on just both of them, then they are such strangers to romance. which maybe is not such a bad thing for them. but being married myself makes me see it in a very very different light. they constantly the miss the moment,coming together.

individually taken apart and analysed they are great people. he is one of the most succesful people i know, great at talking people in and out of things, always well liked,funny even. she is wonderfully kind and cute and stylish and so very generous. but.together they bring out the worst in the other. latelyi have noticed how they wait for the other to screw up with a perverse kind of happiness when they do. dont they have a theory for this?self fulfilling prophecy i think.

for most parts they fool most people putting up this great front.
a part of me worries that some of this must have rubbed off on me, i have a near perfect marriage, we pretty much get each other and there are no encroachments in space and most fights are resolved pretty quick. but sometimes i catch myself wanting him to mess up and to see him feel bad, which of course i dont let him wallow in much. but yet.

obviously i dont hope for any reconciliation or tearful coming togethers, and admission of past follies, what i wish for is that they find a common ground that could pull them through, now that me and my sister are no longer the binding factor i am not sure there is anything left. sometimes in my side taking hobby i find them so unhappy that i asked them what they thought of separating, and though i asked in a more casual enquiring way it took me by suprise that they had considered it and then dropped it cos of every other reason but the one for which most people stay together. i have seen a kind of quiet companionship in many of my friends families, one that comes from years of togetherness and having crossed many a hurdle together, but these two dont even have that.
my dad is the kind of person who looks down upon housework and has been bought up by this absolute horror of a woman and still prefers to act as the "male" power in the family, he makes a huge scene about something as simple as washing one's own plate. this one time i saw him do it, his face was all controted in this look-what-i-put-up-with way and she is the kind who can never let one mistake go unnoticed and obviously doesnt beleive in letting go of the past.
a part of me wishes they wouldnt put me and the sister through this,its so unbeleivably unbearable in the same house together even for a single day.

A grandfather who was

This post reminded me of my own grand folks.

This one wasnt my favorite in the two pairs that i did know well. i picked my favorite, one from each set. so i have now my maternal grandmom and paternal granddad in the favorite's running. they are both amazing people. one is kind and generous and unbeleivably soft to hold and is kind and generous and all that i just said.the most amazing fish curries i have had in my life are the one's she put together.

the other one, was a literature proff, he is the only one in my life, family ie who has told me that a girl isnt born just to be married but for better deals. the one who would painstakingly pore through the depressing things i churned out and called poetry. his only grouse was how much time i spend by myself. 'its not healthy" he would constantly say. the one who sang "little miss moffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her something and something, there came a big spider, who sat down beside her and frightened miss moffet away"

my ultimate favorite song which i made him sing again and again, he went for long walks with me, introduced me to the bronte sisters and twain and so much more.
towards the end..i would like to think i did my bit taking care of him. he kept losing sight and memory. every evening he would sit on the verandha while i watered his plants and then i would get his lifebuoy soap and we would get down to business. he could no longer bend and he was a cleanliness freak. so i would get hot water and soap and we would watch his feet and legs. half an hour later, he would say " lets wash my feet" and i would mention how we just did!
sometimes he wouldnt beleive me and i would do it all over again, half way through he would say " you could be right, i do feel like we did this"
he was this really good looking man even for his age, very sophisticated, would make me pronounce wednesday and restaurant correctly everytime. and so much more.

but this isnt about either one of them. this is about the one i dint pick. the maternal gdad who was in a different way, a little special.
you see.he was a little crazy and i dont mean quirky or weird. crazy loon, crazy.
later on people deduced that it was signs of schizophrenia.
he was very paranoid about diseases, constantly going to the doctors, he would brush three times a day and then use listerine. he would do a self pedicure and manicure!
any small lump or a balding head was always checked in advance and yes, to everyone who knows me, i can see where i got my own paranoia from.

he was rude to everyone, mean and even heart breakingly cruel. he would throw away dishes and break them if it had a little too much salt, little less something. any excuse to create a scene.
honestly, the only person i have seen him nice to is me and sometimes my sister.
he was mean in a way that i could never entirely like him. i had two little cousins. he would create fights between them, by offering the younger one a piece of chocolate and then goading the older to grab it. i hated hearing him laugh watching this unfold.
he interfered in everything possible and made everyone's life, living hell. but he got me a goat.
funny story that. well not really.
i said i wanted a pet. now who on earth thinks a goat is a pet. but i got one. i named her ruby and in all excitement sang mary had a little lamb with a slight name change.
as the novelty wore off and i realised goats arent quite pet material, they refuse to be petted, they constantly want to chew and having made it clear that jackfruit leaves are a preffered snack and being unable to get them even after standing on both legs, it becomes pet owners duty.
she displayed trememdous self will in resisting all my let-me-give-u a wash and even kicked my ankle and that was that. she could bray all she wanted.
we later ate the goat.

this man was kind and considerate to me in a way that offended everyone. if my mother said something or forbid something he would make sure i did. if she said no i cant have chicken everyday, he would ask the servant to get it and then fry it in ghee and feed me. i obviously played along despite fear of my mom's stony face! i mean its fried chicken! i never really understood the underhand moves and reasons. by the time i figured it all, we had moved away and i had heard too many stories to remember the goat or the fried chicken or anything that i did like.

we dint speak to him for years. despite all attempts to ward of all diseases he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and he took a long time dying. all his organs were in a good shape and like some old lady there said "he died inch by inch"

towards this end everyone had made up and it was all water under the bridge but since i take a long time forgiving and coming around i kept shying away from meeting him. but since everyone wins in death i too had to come around.

and when i finally saw him after so many years i could barely beleive it was him.
a shrunken form of former glory. bones hanging together with something that could be called skin wrinkled all over.
like i said in death everyone wins and i too have no defenses against that. i held his hand and he took a while remembering me. his smile was so small and his rheumy eyes..
he spoke with great difficulty of a childhood story of mine where i went with him to the beach and then this hotel and when the waiter asked what i wanted i said " a little of everything"
i could smile. and i dint find it hard to smile.
its been over a year and i know i have two favorite grandfathers. i can pick out carefully memories that make me love him and let loose the one's that no longer need to be remembered.

A christmas wedding

Allright everyone,i am done throwing me all these pity parties. its fine! so he is gone for a little while and am here alone. so what right? february isnt even a real month.
lets just get on with it. i mean me.

so what did i miss. yes the big happening famously referred to as the wedding and such.
i so dont feel like blogging about it,but if i dont do it now,it will never get done and i dont want to come back few years later,trying to remember,squint my eyes and think of small details i missed.
so here we go.
i married a friend. who i liked for a long period of time while he went about dating pyschos. i wished he was in my immediate radius,diameter whatever and not on another bledy continent.
lets see how long its been-about 3 and a half years.
when we finally got together after all our ego and hiccups and notions and other trivial things like once-bitten-twice-shy, and the big whooping question was asked,like this yeah,when we finally circled all that and arrived together and found out that oh-thank god we are in the same place.well then, he asked me this.

i remember being slightly drunk,celebrating some nonsense,at a place me and finicky had discovered which had happy hours even beyond 7 in the evening.
so they had this system where this guy would flip you for it. heads/tails.i got it wrong the first so we just had to do it again annnd whaddya know.
we got it right.right and then right again. finicky was a good sport. with a great sense of surroundings she got us to the bus picking point,answered all questions directed my way and put me in bed.

so this particular day our boi chose to ask,when i wanted to get married. and i said a december.a nice cold december.well serves me just right then. see while ansewering such questions you need to consider many external factors like for eg-the place you are from and such.
i am from kerala. we.we. we are from kerala. its we now.remember?
so kerala has no real concept of december and cold. what do they know.

my parents also vouched for this, they said "since its december,it will pretty good, it wont be so hot with all these people in the same room"
i nodded thinking "smart move girl"

so trust me. there is no such thing as cold december there. anyhoo moving on,so we fixed a date for december 25th. christmas you see. we aim at making our lives a little easier from the start. he has a wonderful memory problem, which in all honesty hasnt displayed itself in forgetting anniversaries.but well,on the other hand its really not like it matters, am not huge on dates,its pretty good if we remember but allright too otherwise.
but if he manages to forget this one. well. we must be in real bad shape then.

so he arrives a week before, i had no time to wallow around in pleasant thoughts and "oh he is coming" feelings. what am i doing? i am getting curtains for my dads room, cos somehow he and his wife remembered to strip them down but not buy new ones.
so i try saying "hey its not like he is going to be inspecting our house" to which they say "um ummm but what if he wants to go to the loo or so?"
and i say "ummm umm so he will use mine"

yeah so that dint go well.i went to buy curtains!
and by the time i was back there was no time to barely comb my hair or go into a oh what do i wear dilemma.
so in a way it was a good thing. i hate last minute decisions esp about clothes.

so he came in, wearing this white shirt and blue jeans and looking every bit like how i remembered him last.

there was small talk where we nodded and grinned. in mallu households however progressive, you dont just jump and hug and latch on to the boys arm,though that is all i thought about.

we exchanged pleasantries (wtf) and proceeded to have lunch.
where there was even bigger confusion. you see, there is something about my family and his or i dont know if it is some common infection,where nobody will sit down first to eat.

there will be polite "please sit" from one father and everyone just smiles dumb and stands around. there will be a second invitation,collectively from father and mother and there will be response of chairs being moved around and people shifting their feet,smiling and nodding at each other.
but NO ONE WILL SIT.

the third one is like a chorus, with even me chipping in. so finally some one sat down! god bless his soul.
then everyone mumble and jumble about where to fit everyone in, there will be a lot of yeah you come here, go there,no dont put him under the staircase, oh thats too far,sit here!!
for heavens sake,its one of those turn around tables with everything sitting ready all you got to do is spin!

but no.
then we launch into our "please eat more,you have had nothing and YOU,YOU havent even touched the fish-chicken-mutton whatever. this is probably after everyone's second helpings and secret burps.
and finally when you think you are done,saved, barely able to get up sort of situation and you are thinking maybe now i can get the boi alone.
but no.

he is in the male custody and am in the female company,respectively discussing the american educational system as opposed to indian and here we have, is all the gold bought,from where,rising gold price situation.

i realise they all have enough information amongst them to actually write an essay on whatever they are discussing.
my mother who i now drag into a corner is threatened with vile consequences if she doesnt somehow say something and get me my boi. she only laughs and slips away.
finally its time for them to leave and i am invited to go along,to check our hall. i sit with the ladies and we are finaly dropped of.
and we kiss on the stairs like two hungry famished people. how ironical.

in all fairness logic prevails and they let us be.and in a week,its the day.
i wont go into mehendi and other previous night activities.
25th morning dawned surprisingly cool and breezy.

The temple fuction was scheduled for 7oclock and my beautician woman had said it would take about an hour and a little. When I came down ready and armed I see that the mother and sister are engaged in a verbal combat. I say to myself: that’s fine! Today of all days I will not let anything bug me.

They proceed to sit in different corners of the same room,inspecting their respective jewellery seemingly oblivious to the fact that its 6 already!
So well I lost my resolve and the three of us went back to what we knew best,yell and cry and scream and we were finally at the gate when an anxious comes running to ask how long will all these parlor-warlor take.

We say an hour I guess.he looks at his watch and us and launches in to a narrative about time management. Adding his favorite: procrastination is the thief of time.
Remember my il be cool-calm-reserved-composed person? Yeah by now I know it doesn’t and will never work that way with my family.

Ps : we almost knocked over an early morning devotee ambling along and crossing the road without looking at either sides.

At the parlor, the lady whined a bit about how she was there since 5 30 in the morning. Then there was you go first,its your day lines from the sister,and so I did. By the time I was done it was 7. And she was nowhere. You should know that the father was not wasting time that one hour,he engaged himself in the fun task of dialing and re dialing and hitting the speed dial 3 constantly till we finally put it on silent mode and ignored him.

The sister looked shell shocked at what was happening to her,more importantly her hair,which for the oddest reason she had decided to oil that morning. More yelling about “I look ugly and who will look at me” ensued where upon the mother cut in saying “its ok.no one is looking for you anyway,she is the one getting married” where upon I went on to say how that was rude and uncalled for, and my sister declared she wasn’t talking to anyone and the mother weeped imaginary tears about ungrateful daughters and how she will never ever take sides again.

The phone is grabbed,sarees held with great care,tears wiped and we reach the temple. And I see the boi at the entrance craning his neck,smiling and its all better again. I start to walk really fast when the videographers pounce on me, muttering about the importance of arriving as a family!

I wait for my slightly annoying but always there support system who look at me proudly like I just accomplished something big and the sister who is always a call away who has forgotten all hair problems say :hey! Its finally the day!
And I got married.

Ps: there is tons more. How I panicked at the very moment and thus in the pictures look very constipated, how the boi was made to stand in different angles and pose, how my earrings hurt so much I had to take them off ,how we kept looking at each other thinking we made it finally..

pps:special thanks to p and p for making it and finicky and my baby who was absolutely the most happy person around who even wanted to shout n whistle!

Letter to me

Dear me,

I know its hard living with dad,it involves additional doses of patience every now and then, no drinking which is
not a reason cos you dont drink anymore. right? yes,i do believe you said that to me once.
Its hard when he goes on and on about stories you have heard and possibly can narrate youself in the
exact same tone and gestures as him, but you still got to sit and nod along.
it gets annoying when he drags you to social situations cos he wants to show everyone his daughter!
yeah, you are right he doesnt get what a misfit you are and he probably never will.
its hard that you have to entertain him and now then by respoding ie making concversation esp when you are under the blanket with your book ready to nod of when he wants to crib about his driver for a while and about life in general! gasp! thats hard.

well what can i say? let me see if this will help.
keep in mind that there will be some day when he wont be around. where you will be left with just his photos and mails and
texts to remind you of his silly jokes.
you will not have him to hug when you lose your job and you want nothing more than someone who tells you
"screw this, you are good, we will get you something else"
when you will wish that he was around to make up lame reasons, the likes of " but you are look beautiful in saree,than ahem, these faded jeans,hint,hint" and smile goofily,all the time hanging around waiting for you to change.

there will be a time when you will have to buy his perfume and spray it on his shirt to remember
how it felt about those bone crushing hugs that you always protested at.
that, when you dont eat like you normaly hog, no one asks you "are you REAALY ALLRIGHT"
no messages reading " One more time KfC AND WE QUIT.BOTH ME AND U"
The familiarity of a speed dial will cease to exist, cos there is no one to pick up and the memory of those times come rushing back when you hung up saying "little busy dad, call you back" but you never did and it never occured to you that he might have actualy waited for that call,till he finally nodded off.

so what if you have heard it n number of times, listen a few more. does it cost you anything but time? so what if he leaves everything around and messes up what you just cleaned up. you wont always have to do it.
Cos.Tomorrow will never be the same again.
Tomorrow all you have is the photo on your wall and in all likelihood,regret left.
And you know more than anyone what regret does to people.
so get your act together lady.