I always, always insist on maintaing a healthy distance from family. It is seriously the only way to keep things 'cool'. And except my sister, this is my motto for everyone. And so when A's aunt and I got close, I suppose I got a little carried away. You see, I hate all my aunts. They are disgusting gossips and thorough manipulators and I cannot bear to be around all the double standards. And recently whenever I speak my mind, they sort of attribute it to "Amerikan ness". The standard dialogue being, " Nee veliya America kari ayi alle?" You have become so Americanised. I actually don't understand this, I have ALWAYS said what I feel/ thought with people I give two crap about. The irony being with people I care, I can never as easily be blunt. So I didn't quite grasp how a country has anything to do with it and while I get that its based on some kind of obvious misconceptions about the USA, these kind of accusations serve no purpose with me except for me to really, actually mock them.
And so when I met A's aunt, it was a great pleasure. She seemed very different from the women I was used to. Level headed, fun to be with, could take a joke, I could have long conversations with her about politics, books, actors, directors, clothes, almost everything.
Even before A and I got married, we began talking on the phone. This was when I was in India. And then when I got here, we became closer. And then I ended up in Boston where she was and we began to see more and more of each other. Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and so on. She and her husband--who I adore-- don't have kids and they are mostly positive about it. They travel, they live well and for most parts they are happy.
Now you see, giving up my motto was a mistake. While I was happy in their company, I would also sometimes feel a little miffed at something she says. But the thing is I am quite the pushover and mostly unable to react except to smile awkwardly and try to brush it off, but then these little incidents--un addresed begin to crop up. The only way for me to get over a situation is to say: this bothered me and i don't want to discuss it till I feel calm enough to talk to you about it. And with A, we both try to do it. I will say: I am quite hurt with what you just did for so and so reason. but with the Aunt this proved very difficult because unless you have years backing up your relationship, these things will mostly end in irreversible damages.
And not to mention my horribly sarcastic tongue which just lacks control once allowed to react. So our relationship has been smoking a bit for a while now. Once I reached Bloomington, I was a little depressed and needed to be just quiet. I talked mostly to only P and A and Amma to whom I admitted how loser-like I am feeling and for once she actually seemed to get it. So a week passed and I hadn't texted The Aunt and I get this message from her asking what is with the silent treatment and that if this is how it continues that she might just stop trying with me.
It almost felt like we were in some kind of conjugal relationship, one where I had to report in.
One thing I have learned from my ill fated relationships is that the minute someone wants a little more from me that I am willing to give, I instantly despise them. Its a character flaw- I admit. But clingy-ness makes me jump and twitch. And to this text, I said I am just laying low. And she replied: Well, I can't be the one always trying. I texted last time, too.
You see, what is the problem with this? I admit that if P or June went missing for a week and more without saying anything, I would check in. I am also petty enough to remember who checked in/ called last. But The Aunt has laughed at these things. She has said, my god who on earth keeps tab of these kind of details?
Me. Me. Petty people like me, I wanted to shout. And so it was with a little surprise that I realized so does she! I found myself quite disgusted with the whole situation. I like up front ness, I don't mind admitting that I am silly like that, that I keep tabs, scores. Thats just how I am. But so are you.
So it went on. My little mountain of grudges and pettiness which basically blew up today. Because instead of shutting up or laughing it off, I ended up saying what I really felt. And then I said: I need time, so lets talk later.
I do love her, I do. She is mostly harmless, quite lovable except for these pretentiousness and sometimes she can be quite high handed but even so, once I love someone, I love them till I can. Till something that catastrophic happens.
Now I will need plenty of time to get over it. Typically what I do in these situations is dip into the little reservoir of happiness that is stored away with each person. Memories and gifts and moments let me get over things faster but to reach that stage will take a bit of time.
And meanwhile, my heart is racing because it was so difficult to say what I thought.
