Bad Bad T.V

You know, it's kind of become a 'thing' to say ' I don't own a t.v' with a smug face and nose up, up, way up in the air. All I want to say to these folks : there is so much intelligent television out there, you muck face. You know who does this? Shavi shubhs. This hateful mega bitch who I hope to someday slam face down into mud and cow dung.

Anyway not that I watch only intelligent tv, which is another matter. But I love t.v and I am happy to say it. Most of these folks who btw diss television are my fellow writing buddies. The really snobby kind, the ones I respect, they all watch well written shows. For e.g. Mad Men. Hello, anyone?
For e.g, Breaking Bad--I haven't seen more than a few but even still. Good Wife is drama but they have scripted it really well. Homeland, is fabulously addictive.
For when you want some laughs: Modern Family? Downton Abbey is yes slightly so apish, but even so. Not apish, SOAP ish.

But today is my bad bad t.v premieres! Grey's Anatomy, and Scandal!! I don't care, I am super happy. And then there will be my zombie apocalypse return with The Walking Dead-- you know, this is actually a really good show, I don't know, seriously. You feel kind of invested in them. Not the Zombies, i.e.

Then there is the wednesday nights with Food Network and Robert Irvine thrashing up restaurants and rebuilding them! Chopped for when streaming all this takes time!  Which reminds me that I should watch Newsroom sometime. And also start catching up with some historical works. The Tudors looks like something I would enjoy. Its about the reign of Henry the 8th and Katherine of Aragon. I also think I should check out some Game of Thrones, but I just can't bring myself to. I have put it in the Harry Potter category and can't bear to even try but everyone is a ravin.

Oh before I forget and before A jumps on it. Please watch The Wire because its god's own very brilliant gift to humanity. No, he swears by it and I keep meaning to see but there is only so much I can do!!

By the way the one show I managed to see and hated and everyone else loved is: Girls. I don't get the hype. I tried to see the 'artistry' in it but all I see is a worser version of Sex and the City and a lot of ugh dialogues.  I miss a really good science fiction series!

I am sure I am missing something here. 

Malayalam

movie binge. I just felt like I needed a good dose of nammade swantham malayalam. Mainly because I never get names for characters right and somehow watching 90's and late 80's helps! Not always but it's a joy always to create mini Kerala in my house, eat a good helping of rice and kootan and fish and watch movies.

Kariyila Kaatu Pole - Padmarajan
Amrutham Gamaya- M.T Vasudevan Nair
Paavakoothu- So unbearably terrible.

Diamond Necklace: * Q: What was this? Ans: When instead of trying to say a good story, the director and writer wanted to moralize, and ended up with a half hearted tale that did no justice to its characters and ended with a feeble warning of sorts. Insulting to any moderately intelligent viewer.

Passenger: **** Absolutely wonderful. I don't know how I missed this one. The true value of this movie is in its sensibility, the places and moments where instead of opting for a grand gesture it steps back and becomes almost a quiet observer. And in this shyness of both plot, moments and the main character's attitudes, it establishes very well what it wanted to to do : Show a good film, tightly wound, and suspense well built and ultimately a good message conveyed eloquently.

Woot, Wut?

I ran one mile that's what!

and survived.

I am a one mile running survivor. How obnoxious.

!!

Here is a thought

I had.

When I see in movies or T.V shows some kind of teenage issue that the teenager managed to hide from everybody, or mainly parents and siblings, I am extremely surprised. Maybe because I had an over interested and intuitive mother but I would always go: How can that be that NO ONE noticed? Impossible.
In my head I am a perfect mother. I notice, but I don't pry. I discuss but I don't judge. I am involved but not zealous.

I said in my head, didn't I? I am mostly aware how impossible this is. But anyway that's not the point.

So today I was thinking for some reason about this and I realized what a terrible sister I am. Ever since I hooked on to whatsapp, I have been avoiding calls like a demented loon. and my sister's phone is constantly either off or not working. She is also the saddest little kitten ever. She has made friends who doesn't get along well with, she hasn't met anyone interesting and she feels like the place is making her "kanji" in her words. All things that are perfectly understandable. I don't think I had the same problems because despite the horribleness college was in one way, I also made my only close friends there.

I should also admit now that with my sister, it's kind of impossible to get through, and if I were to be honest, I would have to say I got a little tired. And so I thought hai, whatsapp is there. What is the big deal if I don't call.

And then today while talking to Amma, she says, it's been more than two months since you called her. She is very busy but even then.
and I am like of course, it's not two months. But even as I say, I know it is two and more. And my sister  probably gave up on me.

And then Amma says, listen when you talk to her, talk in English. She is scared she is losing language skills.
This led to the usual maddening fight with Amma who wanted my sister to be a fuckin doctor. and now look what she has made.

Anyway the point is my unreasonable, unfounded fears are alienating people from me. And I definitely need to end this.

As a starting point, I called someone day before. My friend from Symbi was getting married and he had called me thrice and I didn't pick up. And when I finally did, I was in the car with other people and I told him I would call him back which I didn't because I am a terrible sort of human. No, no jokes to make anything light!

But day before was his wedding previous night function and I called. And I said hello twice and he wouldn't believe for a second it was me. We had the nicest chat afterward. and I hung up thinking: oh my god, why didn't I call him in forever!

I don't need to be scared. People like hearing from me. People like me. At least the ones I need to call, they do. I am sure there might be moments in between when it gets quiet and no one has anything to say, but something will come up. I am sure, sure, sure.
Once it becomes a habit, everything will be ok.

I am also noticing this strange thing happening. More and more people are saying, " Oh, I just hate ph conversations." or "Oh my god, please leave me alone already. No humans." While I am sure, most of the exaggerated introvertism is some kind of new 'trend' ugh-hate this word, it is especially so more common in my writing group. Everyone is like anti people and constantly posting about how they holed in their room when their room mate had visitors or had to forego dinner because parents/bf/ friend/room mate had people over and they couldn't bring themselves to go to the kitchen.

I understand these sentiments because I have myself holed in my room for hours as my room mate had people over for dinner and even though she kindly asked me, I even more so kindly refused. One day she insisted that I come. By which I mean she fooled me.

She said, "Oh S, I am having blah blah over. They are wonderful people. Would you....?" She didn't even complete the sentence because I think I had on my horrified look and so she said, "Okay, I know your issues but these are such great people. Great great great!"

And looking at her face it was hard to say no BUT I DID. Later since they were supposed to come at seven, I sneaked up to get some chips and lemonade to take to my hiding hole but one dinner guest was already in the kitchen. And my room mate introduced us and said, "So you will join us won't you?"

See what she did? ;/ I had a good time!! And later while washing up she says, " See? You were wonderful and you had a nice time too!"
Well yea, but you fooled me! I didn't say it to her though.

So while I understand this people issue, I also think too many people are adopting it without exactly feeling it.  Everyone or who is interested / understands this needs to watch this series on youtube called The Awkward Black Girl

Ok going to try this today. Going to call someone!

About body image, binge eating and lack of control

All said and done, I don't think I am fat. And I don't think I have any right to claim that title. Earlier I never used to think twice about saying," Oh, man, I am so fat!" and so on. Most of the times I said it, it was out of guilt. Because either I would have had something really fattening: a big burger, fries and shake or a ton of rice and curry or something. But then I know a few people now who are definitely fat and leaning toward obesity and when I hear about their daily struggles: the sniggers they get and the looks on buses, trains, and the way people around them assume that they are naturally dumb because fat  is equated to laziness and being a couch bum.

Next to that, I am definitely not fat.

This is not to say that whatever feeling from moment to moment is inconsequential. Just that reality is always relative. My issues are when I don't fit into size M, I do fit just not well. And I hate feeling like my back is bulging so I always get size L which is a source of momentary sadness.

Now that I have started going to the gym again, its like: good lord, I can feel my arms and legs. or rather the terrible pain from the weights. The main problem and basically only problem is a thorough lack of control with food. By the time I get back from the gym my head is spinning and I crave sugar. So yesterday I made myself sit quietly for a few minutes and then ate cabbage soup. But then it also makes me so sad. It seems silly, I am sure. But to not eat what I want is like ten on ten torture.

Like I wish I had the kind of metabolism that allows everything and yet stays thin. I don't even want thin, I just want health. And right now, I am not healthy. No, sir.  I can't run for more than half a mile. I pant if I climb four flights of stairs. When I do run I can feel my 'jowls' move. Not even face or skin but jowls is the only thing it can be called.

With age it seems more and more difficult to shed weight faster. For e.g once I used to put on fat only on my stomach but now it's definitely moving on to arms and face. and those are so difficult to let go. I have no particular image issues. I look fine, maybe on a good day, pretty. But I have extreme fears of diseases and I definitely sense that if I don't put in some rules and regulations now, I am going to suffer soon.

But for now: I HAVE ARMS THAT I CAN FEEL.

Do we need to go looking for inspiration? or can we be inspired simply

This question is one to which  there won't be a definite answer. But instead let me try to write what inspiration means to me. Inspiration is the joy in knowing that someone is making something out of his life, it is what gives me hope. And hope for me means survival. For now I am fine. I have only losses that I can handle on my own with no extra help except of a friend and a husband. But some day if there are bigger losses, of scales that I can't control myself, then I know is when art of the inspired will come handy. It will help in remembering and understanding that life is always bigger than what it dishes out. That most things can be solved with time.

Did that make much sense? Probably not.

One of the joys of living together is that we get to attend things together and then discuss it afterward. Ours are mostly pleasant discussions on how something made us feel, moved us and so on. It never scales the tops of extremely intellectual peaks.

On Tuesday I tried to get in for the Patten Lecture Series held at IU at which Werner Herzog was scheduled to speak. The first in a series of three, it was entitled The Search for the Ecstatic Truth--a phrase coined by Herzog. I couldn't because the crowd was longer than at a temple!!

My introduction to him happened about a year ago when M in my class--a literally Herzog groupie ( exaggeration alert) kept ranting about him. We, a group of five and our Prof. had gone for a beer but as always Madame M monopolizes the talk. Her story had been just ripped apart and given a new assehole ( I am still mad about how the Prof. never got to say anything cos this idiot kept interrupting and I really wanted to get to know her better!!) Anyhow. M says, now you know Herzog would be one to understand THIS story of mine taking it to a whole new level of narcissism.

Herzog's works as I eventually discovered are in fact works of extreme beauty and like the man himself very self aware. The ideas that he goes looking for are unique in not just their existence but also in the way he explores them. Obviously this is how I feel about it but I really need to watch more before writing more. I have seen just three of his works and all documentaries. I do want to see the fictional works next and especially Heart of Glass and Lessons in Darkness.

Grizzly Man is perhaps what he is most famous for in a commercial sense. What I am going to say is probably not what people agree with, but for me Treadwell was a man who decided to pursue a passion that resulted in his end. People termed this passion as mental illness but who are we to decide what sounds right and wrong for another? Treadwell died protecting the bears he thought were being poached. There was no poaching. But he thought, he felt, he decided. I doubt he was unaware of the risks. If one is willing to die, then what else remains?

Herzog himself seems to have a slightly altered view of Treadwell which bothered me. Because one thing I value in a documentary is the  non polemicity ( is that a word? probably not) that the maker needs to first adorn.

But here Herzog seems to think of Treadwell as crazy loon, fiercely opposing nature with some kind of fairy tale view of it in his head. Perhaps it is justified but, but, Herzog himself is a man of passion and vision and constantly looking for inspiration. While he says that Treadwell's vision resulted in death of his gf and the bears; a casualty that could have been avoided he seems to fail to look at his own actions at the shooting of his film where a plane crash occurred in the Amazon jungles and people died.

Herzog said, "If I abandon this project I would be a man without dreams
and I don't want to live like that. I live my life or I end my life with this project.

Who else could have understood Treadwell better than Herzog?


Here is the last clip of Grizzly Man
Coyotes by Don Edwards


In Cave of Forgotten Dreams it was more of an ethereal feeling. The quest for understanding our past has always been a story that never results in concrete answers but here were cave drawings from supposedly 30,000 years ago. The imprint of a small hand with a twisted pinky against a wall. Pictures of what could have been mammoths. Of horses, of hunting. Chauvet Caves was perhaps one of Herzog's works that dealt with understanding of " What constitutes humanness?"
This is kind of interesting for me because lately I have started reading about when we became human and the Out of Africa theory and our origins. Here is a book that I am going to start reading next week.

Lone Survivors

Also here is an interview clip from The Colbert Report :) Thanks to A.
Interview with Herzog

Into the Abyss, the documentary on death row is a bit more complex because it incites feelings of opposing nature. It brings to light quickly and without judgement ( in my opinion) about the waste that lives can be. The final scene in this is so magnificent, the kind of a breath caught in throat feeling.


In the lecture yesterday, which was on the Transformative Role of Music in Films he showed a variety of clips ranging from Taviani Brothers, to the chicken dance, to a clip so fantastic from his movie Lessons of Darkness.
Here it is:
Wagner


From it's Youtube description: The Final (and the most bizarre) sequence from Werner Herzog's classic film 'Stroszek' (1977). The location for the closing sequence is in a strange fun-house where chickens dance, play the piano, a duck plays the drums and a rabbit is blowing the horn on a fire-engine!!!

Chicken Dance

The other clip that he got a lot of flak for was this one here: The Woodabe Men
And this very powerful clip from a movie Padre Padrone by Taviani Brothers where toward the end you  feel like grief becomes part of something larger than just humans, of mountains and mere rocks joining in.
Padre Padrone

Yesterday he spoke of the time he was at a film festival and when this clip was shown there was an indignant silence. And then a lady film maker next to him said, " We, as film makers, should be like flies on the wall," to which he said, " No, we should be like the hornet that stings it subject."
and then he stood up and said, "Happy New Year losers." and left.

As much as I endorse his endeavors and enjoy them this seeming inability to understand  or even pretend to understand different approaches and almost instantaneous dismissal of other schools of thought seems to be his blind spot or maybe in fact his genius.

Uncertainty

Usually when someone says these wise words, "Everything happens for a reason", this trite saying makes me bristle but I sit in mute anger anyhow because despite the displeasure it induces in me, I assume people who say it have some kind of reasoning, some incident that made them a believer in it. I, on the other hand couldn't believe more in the infinite randomness of the universe and how everything happens just--because.

BUT. I am not changing this standpoint and maybe I am joining the gangs of those who wanting to believe in a power out there joining the dots of our fate make themselves see anything as a sign. This happened because only then can T.H.I.S happen and so on. But although I haven't changed my stance I do feel like I am coming across the right books to read. Some kind of chance happening. I am never able to explain exactly what I want to do with the novel except loose incidents that must all come together somehow. But I have all these ideas swirling around. But when I try to put them together I end up feeling like I am doing some kind of diatribe, or tirade and that isn't appealing. One thing I dislike in any novelist is attempting to solve problems. That's not my job. I only want to say a story and say it well. I only want to understand this woman, her husband,  her parents, the parenting, the voids and things she lacked, the place she grew up, the people she met, the wounds that happened, the memories, the sadness, the brightness, the attachments, the betrayals and the resolutions. I don't want it to be sentimental at all, I want a little nostalgia but not on levels that will engulf and wreck everything else.

And somehow with every book I am reading my ideas somehow become clearer.

For e.g Museum of Innocence showed me how to be an ethnographer although of course, there is no way in hell I can match up to what Pamuk did. But that not withstanding. Then now I am reading Atlas Of Unknowns which is giving me a better idea about structure and use of our language. How to use certain words to convey what language they are speaking.

The other books that will help are as follows:

A House for Mr. Biswas: Naipaul is the best example to have a large cast and yet maintain individuality for each character.

Portraits of a Marriage: Sandor Marai

All Rohinton Mistry but especially Family Matters to understand vision and depth of a novelist. To understand ties that bind families together.

Couples: Updike ( Not yet read)
Women in Love: Lawrence ( Read long ago, understood pretty much nothing back then)
The Newlyweds: Nell Freudenberger
Brick Lane: Monica Ali


I want something that is a little lyrical to grasp language better. Not Toni Morrison levels. Maybe Kiran Desai, Anita Desai and Arundhati Roy.

I am mostly focusing on our ethnic writing just to get foundation right. But Cannary Row I am reading on the side is also brilliant to understand character descriptions better.

All right, more later.
If anyone has any suggestions along these lines, please drop em off!

September Books & Movies

I am reading gazillion short stories just to get this one story of mine right . So here goes.

A&P- Updike **
Pilgrims- Julie Orringer ****
Reunion-Cheever ***

The Point- Charles D' Ambrosio
River of Names: Dorothy Allison ***
An Abduction- Tessa Hadley ****

The Stain- Tessa H ****
The Cheater's Guide to Love: Junot Diaz ****
Permission to Enter: Zadie Smith **

The Surrogate: Tessa H ***
How Was It To Be Dead?- Richard Ford ***
Araby: James Joyce
The Balloon: Donald Barthelme
School: Donald B
The Yellow Wallpaper: Gilman


The Atlas of Unknowns- Tania James ***
Brick Lane-Monica Ali **
Drown- Junot Diaz
Portraits of a Marriage- Sandor Marai



Movies:

Hope Springs :/ **
Ek Tha Tiger :/ :/ * ( I don't know why I saw it!! Happened)
Life before her eyes * (Uma Thurman)
Ai Wei Wei ****
Where do we go now? ****-Nadine Labaki
Cocktail (Hindi)  *
Heart of Glass ***-Herzog