Hello, Mike Testing

Ahem. Throat clearing.

So it looks like I am housing a tiny human. Yup. I have been badly wanting to write about it but to quote Grey's Anatomy ( Yes!) I haven't been ready to be happy about it. But now I am a tiny teeny bit happy and hopeful because we saw him/her/peanut on ultra sound and heard the heartbeat! The doc says he/she is measuring more than what he/she should measure, basically growing a tiny bit faster! Well, I have been eating two eggs on some days and generously crunching nuts when I need a snack!

I digress.

So almost immediately following a I-am-not-going-to-have-a-baby post I found out! It really was quite a shock maybe because I, due to past history was convinced that I wouldn't have one and A, due to I dont know whatever his own reasons was convinced too. And then we went to donate cheek swabs for  the bone marrow drive and I felt sick-sick at the hospital, nauseous but we thought no way, just my general hospital gagging. Then we went for Star Trek and I felt sick from the butter pop corn and we were like um? So we got that pee stick. And A said do it the right way. Really. The Right Way! And one line came up and he said, yeah,well and then came a small pale line and we were incredulous. I peed again. ( Sorry) Again we had two pale lines and we hugged and stood staring. You know one of my favorite Grey's anatomy moment is when Grey asks Yang how to break the baby news to Mcdreamy and Yang says, well, you found out hunched over the closet, so why should he get something ceremonious! I am glad I didn't have to plan any grand moment. It really was all too much.

Then basically I have spend days convinced baby wont want to stay in and checking for spotting but now I have kind of calmed down and in fact to my credit, I haven't been paranoid much! I haven't internet trolled for anything but sit calmly and flip through my baby book. All zen like.
I am really glad for A though. I can't think of anyone better to do this with.

Meanwhile: Nausea. Both morning and at night.


Apparently I no longer use full stops to end sentences but !!!

Wound

Larry Levis



I've loved you the way a man loves an old wound picked up in a razor fight.
on a street nobody remembers. Look at him; even in the dark he touches it gently.

Just a note

I hate my friend's husband.

He is the biggest douche I have met/ heard about in the last few years and I hate him to the extent that I am sure if I have to meet him now, it will be super hard for me to pretend and have a half-decent conversation. So he is your typical Malayalee loser although I am using this term kind of vaguely because I am sure the traits can be universal but because they live there it's kind of more in a nuanced Keralish way. For e.g she texted me about her sponsorship finding dilemmas for a function that she was event co ordinating? She wanted me to write her speech and she is so proud of what she is doing and he is just being this gigantic asshole about it. He prefers that she doesn't do anything! Except look after the kid. And makes it all so very difficult for her. And he never wants to do anything she wants to. He wont even lift a finger to help with stuff not even to do with the child. He only wants to drink beer and sit in the restaurant and watch t.v if they go for a trip and he wants to live in the joint family and basically live the good life having it all while doing absolutely nothing.

I love my friend! I think she is quirky and funny and sexy! She has put on some baby weight but is really so beautiful and I have a feeling from some of our conversations that she doesn't quite believe it anymore but is a little resigned to it. Her father told her it seems she better lose some weight or the guy will leave her! She makes these into jokes but when she repeats it, I feel like I must say something, now, now. But it always feels like I am encroaching and that if I say something, our relationship might shift a little bit. I dont want that also. Like although we are close I am not in the place where I can react as I wish like maybe how I would with say with, P. As in I wont be blunt. Because most of the times she is convincing herself its funny/ 'that's- just- how- things- are- here', and I just dont want to comment on anything out till she is willing to say something. Because really wont I be kind of being an ass myself by you know pointing out from my nice high chair? I wont.

But I love her and I wish I could have done something for her. In a way I am really glad she has a lot of money. Maybe that helps a little. That seems a sad thing to say.