That useless feeling

May 25th, Wednesday.

I love living here for many reasons which I wont go into now. but how useless I feel is when someone back home passes away. Its the dreaded phone call and the silence and the not knowing what to tell them. Then the tears and then eventually you calm down. The memories are then slow creepers but they are mostly happy memories punctured in between with thought of a return- to a house empty of the person. One does not get used to that quickly because one has not been there. And so its possible then that when you walk into that, more or less the same house, you expect them. To walk out from the bathroom, eyes straining with age and ailments. Light shining in those old droopy eyes, perking up at the sight of your face. One waits for them on the verandha to bring out hot milk and coax you into drinking it despite your protests.

What else is there to do, Except wait endlessly. Some of these deaths never leave you, their kind are the devastating kind. They come with the what if's and only if and if only and pangs of terrible doubt and guilt. Things that never leave you. These deaths also called suicides, they never let you forget. The person in question, their lives and motives analysed forever and ever while you shed your tears into tired pillows.

what good are these tears- you constantly ask. What good are you, you who never helped in any way. what good are any of you and then once you calm down you need to go back to the art of living and shamelessly, almost deviously, you attempt to negotiate with yourself.

what could you have done. you were young, You had no money, your parents had no money.

That small nagging feeling does not help, it tells you clearly, shouts at you that there is something. Where can you hide knowing you can never tell anyone. You can never blog about it and let the readers purge you from your shame. Even if its anonymously you have confessed and all you need to do is wait it out. It never ends till perhaps you are dead too, with you till your fire you carry these burdens,this perhaps is a befitting punishment. Though there must be more, you tell yourself. There has to be more ways to punish yourself.

There are stars. Many many stars who you believe are the people who left early. There is a little kid there, a grandmother and some others who you perhaps didnt know too well. but they are all there. When you escape an accident unscathed or you are saved from something by just a second you look up and say your silent thanks, for looking out for me.  Do you deserve it? No, you know, you dont. And yet you act like you do. Let the tears never end. Let every tear remind you.


A's granduncle, passed away tonight. He led a full and mostly happy life. He is that one point for all of them, my mother-in-law, amma having lost her parents early. I wish I was back home with her, there isnt much I can do but just be there for her and hold her. These are times when all the charms on offer seem not worth. it. It is after all only a small short life we live. where is time for everything. one must regret, live and wait for death. There is never enough time. 

First Impressions

Been a while, folks.

Last day in Btown < as in the day before last day> was spent or is it spend? These grammar issues. I feel stupid. I am sure its spent cos spend is spend money on summer dress right? Someone correct me. So last day in Btown was spend hammered on absinthe and tequila shots at R's place. Till about midnight. The absinthe smuggled from Spain did little to get me sloshed but the accompanying whiskey shot and then a tequila shot did it. I was soon dancing to tamil songs much to the amusement of the guys. R is snoops closest friend in btown and generally I guess. I do like him. He is pretty genuine and no hang up's except for his inappropriate jokes which I have gotten used to with time. Nothing too annoying or I might have had to tell him off which would have been very uncomfortable. I have very little patience for people who cross the lines or do not see the damn line. I am sure I am very clear about the lines.

Anyway R is also moving since he is also almost winding up his Phd and Snoop is sort of sad. So we decided to see lots of R before he was gone and when I am back in Aug I would miss him too thus the grand finale. By midnight we were all sloshed enough to get to the strip club. R had been talking the strip club here for a while and for snoop's 30th bday we never made it cos I think it got too late. So we finally got there. I was drunk enough for it and I dont really mind the idea. I think I am very...-fascinated with naked women! :/ Even for erotica I prefer regular girl on girl action. Ah anyway.More on that later.

So R and snoop and the other two guys- nice guys- obviously have been here before. As in the strip club in general and it was my first time. So R was happy enough to get me the girls. He put some dollar bills in my hand and off we went checking girls out. The girls were only naked upwards. Which was honestly a relief. I dont think I could have handled being too close to a completely naked gyrating woman.

So a couple of women rubbed my face between their boobs. Thats about it. I declined from a lap dance. Maybe another time. R's wife is a fun woman who has got her brains and senses about her. He tells me what a turn on its for her to buy him lap dances and watch them. I was amused cos I havent really spend much time with her but this image he provided me with just wouldnt go since then. :/

After that I was so tired I just wanted to curl up in my warm bed and yes, wash my face first. The boi's were still up and about though Snoop said later that he too was just dying to be in bed. We came back to our place and I crashed immediately while they went about smoking up. I had had enough. and next morning we had so much stuff to do but we didnt wake up for ever. For EVER. and finally ran about doing things last minute. Obviously there is a price to pay.

The drive itself was three days and the first two days were normal and fun actually. Not too tiring. By about 7 we would reach the hotel and shower and google for local Indian places cos the thought of having onemore  burger was just .not considerable. So first day in Nebraska we found a place called Tandoor and we had some chicken in coconut sauce and rice and I asked the guy if the orange was actually an orange or a Musambi. He said "orange only like orange in color, you know vitamin c and all". Snoop was very amused. :/

The second day we drove through Iowa and I kept thinking of Dey House- The Iowa writers workshop and Sam Chang who had  so politely declined me and I texted Snoop's aunty who I am close to saying-"In Iowa the place that didnt want me" and she said "Good! Have you seen the place?The corn and the farms,You belong in Boston"

Trust her to say the right things. Anyway, after Iowa there was acres and acres of wyoming farm land and lonely stretches of road, just me and the boi and the car. Chuggging along. Third day we crossed into Nevada and the trouble began. One does not expect snow in the desert. Anyway we have learned our lesson.At some point in our shifts I took over, we were doing three hour and two hours resp and the fog+rain+ hail began and soon it was impossible to see. I hate driving in just rain and then this!

There was no point stopping cos for one I couldnt see any exits for a while and two boi was stressed from his own shift. This idiot assehole took the left lane and sped by in the friggin fog to my annoyance spraying things in his wake and I couldnt see anything for like 2mins and I had to sudden brake with panic attacks of skidding. I abused him and his whole family for a while. and later on much later on we saw that the patrol had pulled him over. HAHA. These days punishments are quick. There is a malayalam saying " Varambathu thanne kooli" There you go.

The area near Lake Taho was the worst. The traffic was slowed down and we were just crawling. Snoop started worrying about snow chains and how we didnt have any warm clothes to get out and fix the chains but thankfully they didnt make us. After a delay of almost four hours where I didnt whine even once :) we made it to Sacramento. After which I whined about my need to pee till he stopped.

We arrived at our hotel so drained. so so drained. Repeating for emphasis. Santa Clara is filled with Indians. You look anywhere-they are there. And filled with Indian Restaurants. Tons and tons. We were happy. We picked on out- Mayuri and we were headed there when we saw another one- Peacock- whats with the bird obsession! The latter was filled! and we contd to Mayuri which was empty.

We should have left then but stupidly we stayed and I ordered a chicken fry. The waitress reminded me of Bharti from college. Unnecessary  enthusiasm. and her apron thing was smeared with curry stains and I saw her cough into the chutney dabbas as she brought the Papadams! :/ Snoop said she was the only good thing in the place. I am inclined to agree. After writing this post I am going to go write a lovely review for Mayuri asseholes who charged me crazy money for crappy food. You know some things are just unforgivable, like displaying Fry in the menu and then bringing me curry and then trying to convince me that this could be a fry.

There were a couple of Indian guys behind us. Before we ordered we could hear them say things in Hindi. They then demanded to call the manager. I dislike such people. Usually. The ones who demand the manager's arrival to tell him what exactly the problem is. Anyway after we paid I am willing to think they were right. I should have given him a earful. Wait for your review, jerks.

The other peacock place is awesome. The lunch buffet has the perfect Biriyani and its reasonably priced. We are amazed at the - Indianess- if I may. There were a couple of people sitting next to us talking loudly about some of their friends and how " both the husband and wife would smoke and drink" and then the girls cribbed about their In-laws!
Amazing right? I mean some things never change. These random Mother in law cribbers annoy me. Of course I can afford to be annoyed cos I get along with mine but I find it very distasteful how even if you dont get along with yours, dont run about telling every tom and dick this. At least not to someone you just met!

Anyhow. We just found a place to live. Its a room in a house in a beautiful house that too. Furnished so we dont have to run around looking to rent bed and things. A large lovely kitchen and three other guys. We have to share the loo which isnt something I am too happy about but what the hell. I am just going to have fun till I am here.

Snoop seems to feel very horrid about putting me up in this place with a shared guys bathroom et and all. I keep telling him to look at the bright sides, the room and the rose bushes outside and the lovely street. He seems to want to buy me things for my sacrifice. :o I think I will put those feelings to good use. :)

What else. G, my friend from Symbi lives a mile away. So we went out with her and her husband to dinner and It was just like old times. she is the same. I am the same. I am probably going to be seeing lots of her if her school time permits. I realized I did miss her. she was my closest friend there and for two years we were together all the time, except when we had our fights. :/

Yesterday we went down to San fran and ate at Fisherman's wharf. I expected much in fishy terms, all kinds of fish but I found only regular catfish fried to a crispy golden- snoop's favorite and mine, not. Crabs yes. I told myself to eat mussels but I finally forgot. Walked around a bit and went to Ghirardelli and Boi had a big sundae with creamy caramel while I ate small spoons of it. Boi loves ice cream and dislikes chocolates. I like the opposite so there wont be any- you got more of the share problems. :/

We then lay down on the grass and got cold. My nose is a little sun burned cos stupidly I forgot about sun block and thought how more burned can my brown skin get. Apparently lots.

That is pretty much it for now. More after I have wandered the streets of vegas. soonly.

The craft

So yes I had some more time despite everything to be done so I thought I would do some ranting about the writing craft.  Recently I have begun to dislike the word rant. Its like the time I started disliking "random." I mean everything other blog was called Random something. Even my old one. Anyway. Moving on.

So ever since the admission I haven't written a word. Almost like I am scared to. You know, what if I really cant write. Now that would be catastrophic. Or a worse word. Finally yesterday I attempted a story one that has been sitting in my head for a while. Usually I save the ideas in my phone or in a book. Mostly phone cos the ideas usually happen as dreams, during small naps. so I wake up in a panic and save it in the phone and usually I end up not being able to decipher what the hell I have saved. Once I had " Girl atheist bus explain"

I kept looking at it thinking, yes someone explain! Anyway so I started writing and I stumbled right into the first problem. Earlier I would just write at a manic pace. Not stopping till I am done. No regard for grammar and structure or what ever else is required. But now that I have been told all the above mentioned do not exist in the stories I am sitting and forming sentences and thus losing the thread of thought. So I wrote one paragraph and then sat re writing it forever. and then ....I had nothing. I do have one paragraph written in many ways though.

Which is not too bad really. I am very interested in all the ways you can re write something. It changes your story so much. I love my first few lines, they are quite brilliant. what- If I dont say good things about my lines, who will. :/

With me I can never think the story, I usually write with about 70% of the ending in mind and the rest just happens as I go with the flow. Which according to my future director is indeed the best way to go about it. So well at least I am doing something right. I cant think my story out- as in sit down and think this will happen and then this. and then.. It makes me itch- like cannot sit down in a place quietly kind of itch.

So here are two beginnings:

1. " She first knew something was wrong after about a month of being married/ having moved continents and struggling in a new apartment in the coldest, most bitter winter she had ever witnessed in her 34 years of being.

Before that, she only had inklings of something not being right. It wasn’t the same. One can quell nagging doubts in many ways if one uses repression as a form of survival. At the restaurant, a few days later, huddled in her coats which she refused to take off despite the heating she suddenly had to face her so-far ignored fears.  Once the meal was finished mostly in silence and awkward ‘will you pass the fork, I dropped mine” and her annoyance at the way he ate- so clumsy and the noise his silverware kept making, was finally done with and the bill was paid, 

She sat looking out, dreading the walk till the car, parked a few blocks away. She was brought back to reality with his words “I think this place is drugging our food”. She stared at him, uncomprehending. He dug the toothpick to a side tooth, maneuvering it to reach the hidden morsel of whatever was left behind. She wanted to look away but the inside of his mouth seemed –disgustingly- fascinating. He took the glass of water and sniffed it. “I am sure all these Indian restaurants do it, to make us come back again and again”… He looked at her waiting for some kind of agreement from her so that perhaps together they could uncover this drug mafia. 

She felt scared and sad and the break of a nervous giggle in her throat.  If he had said it even half jokingly she might have gone along with him. But his face- so new to begin with, the lines and crevices and the double chin-everything so unfamiliar and his tone. She registered nothing.”

2. “Her orientation to American culture was based mostly on two things: “Friends”, from which she and her friends had decided that she was a mix of Rachel who was a pretty thing but a pushover, and a bit of Monica: a cleanliness freak who was tardy at the same time. 

The second was the mushrooming of McDonalds and kfc’s throughout her city giving them all a shot at American inspired obesity. She was fascinated with both.

She envied her friend who was their resident phoebe- eccentric and wild with not a care in the world. There was nothing wild or sexy about herself. She deserved to be a Monica. Even her name, Mynah had nothing exotic about it. Mynah was a stupid bird which did nothing important. And what was with the random yellow on the beak!”

The first begins with her new life and the second starts you off with a small old history. Yeah I got nothing else. 

ps: Also notice all the fragments? I tried hard to get rid of them. They are just...stubborn.

The week to be

In less than four day we shall embark on our three day road trip. With swappu- our car filled with three large suitcases and a laundry basket filled with Dal, Green Gram, Beans and other Masala powder dabbas.
We will be armed with cellphones, iphones, maps and directions and GPS and some snack stuff and some mangoes for me.

We shall cover Indianapolis to Urbana- Champaign- Iowa city- Nebraska - Salt Lake City- Santa Clara, these being the main stops.

We shall take turns driving and hopefully be safe and sound.

and before that:

I have a house to clean for the new summer tenants and closet space to be cleared and books to return to library ( Mrs Dalloway) will have to be attempted again and a pedicure appointment to be done and India shopping completed and.. I think that is all.

Till then, ie till land of internet is found again, love and affections and hugs for you all.

S

Things that worry me

I just read a blog post about things that worry, said person and I thought its been a while since I made my things I worry about list. I assure you there are new one's.

1. I fear everyone/ most one's will start buying Kindles and other such devices and that no one will have books anymore. Though this presents a welcome scenario where all people will sell/  give away their books for free it also presents the problem that I look like the fool who wont move where technology goes. Maybe I'l get left out of techno-book talk.

2. When I am Texting or mailing someone, if we have both come to a conclusion and there is no further need for me to say anything and so I dont. Then, I worry that they might be thinking arrogance or tardiness on my part or even worse waiting for a reply. So I end up saying inane things.

3. A new worry: That everyone in my MFA class will find agents or publishers dying to get out their works of brilliance and my poor collection will sort of stand in a corner like the girl who doesnt get asked out in a group of three friends. To a dance or a date or drinks or just a picnic..You see..

4. That everyone in my class will be well read. I hate saying this term because I never understand what that means. When someone says " You are well read" , what are you implying. That in comparison to you I am? For my age I am? Despite my background I am? Maybe they mean nothing but well..

5. I fear I shall die last. Living to see every single person I know go.

6. I fear diseases that will not let me eat well. I fear cancer at least 5-6 times a day on an average.

7. I fear acid attacks.

8. I fear I will have some big fight with two of my friends. The kind where we are never able to forgive and get back on old tracks. That Il never see them again..Not hear their voices.

9. I worry that my ass will get too big. way too big to fit into a pair of jeans.

10. I fear kidney stones and that I might become busy and forget to drink enough water daily.

11. I worry I shall say the wrong thing in a group of people. Some kind of cultural mistake will be made and they will all view me as the uncouth woman.

12. I worry il get a dog and then not like him.

13. I worry that....Snoop has some wrong idea about me, about my kind-ness or good-ness and some day he will realize but be too kind about it and love me less but love me nevertheless. Did that make any sense?

14. I worry I wont have kids.

15. I worry that not having kids will send me over the edge.

16. That Snoop with his careless ( in my opinion) driving will get one of us killed and live to regret it or die and leave me to be mad for the remainder of my life.

17. On some days I worry that mum and dad will split up and on some days I worry that they never might..

18. Steel apparatus in my leg. I might see my bone..

19. Dying having done very less for self and everyone else.

20. Die alone. Live alone.