Mum and I

Mum and I, work best if we have a couple of oceans between us. It’s been less than a week and we are already on not speaking twice. Though, one thing has changed, she makes up first! That phenomenon itself was so amazing I let her do it twice, but now I feel bad so il take the next one.

The fights itself are super silly but they will escalate into something else if we are a little careless. Plus I think my general tolerance has gone down much because of other problems. So I am ready to snap at any small thing. Not good.

The first fight was so unexpected and quite sad really. So the news in Kerala is quite ridiculous these days or always but now it just seems incredulous. In the paper here are some things I read :

a)      In Malapuram, I believe, a group of women complained to the police that these guys strutting about with low waist jeans, showing off their red and green underwear ( colors subject to imagination) are making them uncomfortable and that action needs to be taken!

Mum and I used to have clothes- arguments. Though I wore whatever was comfy for me always the arguments never stopped. These days she actually doesn’t care but we have still go to argue on it. So my general theory is men who say that “oh of course rapes happen because of the way she dresses” need to be slapped really hard and then other heinous things done to them. Mum says that their argument is quite right to an extent and that in really rural areas this might actually be the case. I honestly don’t think she believes that anymore but because she made this statement once she is sticking it by now, years later. Uhm.

b)      _ A father beat up his three year old kid so bad, so bad and ran away. The papers carried the little kids pictures. His back black and blue, bruised. With cuts and clotted blood..or something. These days I am also very teary eyed about any damned thing and the more I stared at the pictures the more the tears wouldn’t stop. And so I am sitting them fingering the back of the little boy and stupidly I say “ Maybe If this kid didn’t have a mum maybe we could have done something”

Mum immediately pounces on me, like what? Money stuff?, we still can, she says.

I fumble around because that’s not what I meant and she knows it. Adoption is a much gnawed bone with her and she wont let me just let this go. She goes on to say how the kid is cute and sad now, yes, but later the dads genes will show up and what are you going to do then.

I don’t know what I am going to do then. It was just a thought so I had no answers.

This was just a momentary thought and I wouldn’t have acted on it but she makes more lines that make me sound like an irresponsible adult who makes bad decisions for her family. Which you know, I AM NOT.

Then she asks me what would happen if I have one of each, one mine and one not. :/ and mine kicks mine-not really hard. What would I do then! I would do exactly what I would if both were “my blood” which btw reminds me, I get a very hair standing up feeling when people say the word blood to me.. it just seems wrong. Don’t say blood. Like thaaat.

Anyway I say that’s what I would do and she says, well that’s all you, if I see something like that I would give a nice beating to the mine-not kid. I am stupefied. The reason I make these arguments and issues with her is because I think she is genuinely capable of thinking otherwise. I am not saying I want to change her, I don’t, I only want her to appraise any situation with an open mind and not go there with pre determined opinions. Go there, stay there, meet people, kids whatever and then decide for yourself is what I always say.

Another reason is I have heard mum actively defend gay rights so this adoption thing is quite amazing for me. Her vehemence. My last point always bores well. I always tell her how it’s sad that a little kid somewhere with all this love inside her and with no one to give to, I tell her how, I sort of understand what that feels like. Then she looks just sad and guilty and il wish I hadn’t said it so this time I didn’t. I just let her be. We will take it one step at a time, I say in my head.

These are the main arguments. Chinthi arguments are quite stupid and silly. For eg. The servant lady is relatively new. Every morning all the dust and allergy makes me sneeze and I sit moping with red eyes for a bit. All the sneezing my brains out gives me this horrid headache early morning and I can’t move for a while. So I have glasses and glasses of hot water and then vitamin c and then become less grumpy. So today I say- no no no chai for me, just  hot water and I wait and I wait. Servant lady is gone off somewhere. And I wait, and no water.

So I go into the kitchen and instead of just doing it myself with dignity :/ I bang the pot around for a bit making my irritation well heard. :/

She is looking at me in wonder. I bang the glass too. Steel glass, yes. And then I am waiting for it to boil because she has not repaired the microwave about which I grumble and she says “oh this water, I thought you meant water to have a bath”

Apparently heater is not working too ;so she is generously boiling a big chembu of water on the stove :/

I wonder if she is paying any attention then, I mean she is yelling at me about homeo and ayurveda for the sneezing but she doesn’t see me drink the damn water every day!

And so goes on our days. Its humid and humid. My i-20 is still “processing”- Asseholes. The fucking apt is gone. No universe for me, MK. I told you.

The allergy’s are sort of getting better but still painful. I am happy to be here, yes really. But I am already ready to head back. This has never happened for me. This wanting to leave here! Quite the odd feeling. The food has its charm still but I already feel like I have a double chin and if I lower my head a bit more I have triple chins- sister says if you lower it that much everyone will have triple chins. She has a point. 

I miss the boi here and there. Mostly when the chechi makes yummy food. So far I have had beef fry and chicken stew and idiappam and karimeen fry. Doughnuts from Annes, courtesy P.

I went out with the girls one night to this new or quite new lounge in cochin. The dry martini  was really not dry and old men with balding heads lounged in the lounge. :/  the guy poured lots of water in P’s rum and M, had a terrible looking cocktail that tasted like mouth wash which she then abandoned.

I know I am only whining but there is nothing to be happy about. This week I am to confront greebro also. Which is already giving me a headache. Though I write very confidently and happily about things that are just wrong, saying it to someone gives me the you know…dad is also trying his level best to make sure I don’t but if I don’t do this now I will have no peace of mind when I go back.

But despite all this it’s good to see her. She looks happy when I am around, or say my sister says. She looks happy with my little gifts and makes her funny comic faces if I ask more than twice. ;o

More on everything in a bit. Its three here and I just finished watching this fun Malayalam movie and tomorrow I have got to re pierce my nose- long story that. So later!

Leaving boi at home

Leaving boi alone here seems such a tedious task. What a wrong word to use, I make him sound like a problem which he absolutely is not. Boi happens to be very self sufficient and more or less happy on his own. But in this one year of living together I think boi has been spoiled. A bit. He will spring back to the alone life quickly and adjust but yet the thought of him coming home to an empty house is more hurtful to me than maybe its to him.

Getting attached to someone, the open your soul attached has been not easy at all. Its been a slow, tentative process. You know sort of testing the waters. First I introduced the boi to the nice-normal me so that he wont immediately bolt, then when he was comfy I showed him some maniacal moods but I guess I explained them too when I was over it. Then I told boi of all the creepy exe's and horrid situations I had gotten myself into.

Everything including trusting him has been a long process and boi's responses though sometimes hurt me, long back, I realise those were just instantaneous reactions. They were never meant to hurt, really, he was just stumbling around processing it maybe. Boi's only rule about anger was that I dont hit or smash anything which I can do. Cos my way of dealing with anger is more of silence and coldness and other irrational behavior. I think I do most damage with words. But somehow over years we have learned to not  hit each other where it hurts most.

The naively trusting me, there used to be one of those, who literally used to say- look here is my heart,why dont you come and do a nice merry dance over it, oh, no thats ok, feel free to smash it. I will bounce back.

That idiot me is long gone but its scary to realize how easily I can be that person again. If I hadn't gotten married at 24 like I did, I might not have for a long while. Or this man hadn't happened I might still have been that cynical person who was content to be told by strangers who barely knew or understood her that they loved her.

Leaving boi behind is hard. Maybe just this first time. On a lighter note, I am making him around 7 curries so that he doesnt have to do anything for  a week or more. Like I mentioned he is perfectly capable of feeding himself but some kind of weird guilt is making me go into crazy cook HG mode. Or maybe I do really believe that food makes everything better.

More room mate looking stories

So I am looking for places to stay come September. This actually poses two kinds of problems.

1. People advt for room mates are all looking for people to move in June- July. I dont see that happening.
mainly cos I doubt I will be back with my visa by then, so the option is to you know pay for Aug and July without actually staying there which is stupid not to mention expensive. but also ultimately might have to be done cos by August most places would be taken.

I forgot the second problem. :/ yes ok, so the very issue of room mates. So in the beginning I was actively pursuing wonly Indian Room mates. I am not sure why I was doing that. I think something to do with the food. but then most ads said " wanted female room mate. only vegetarian"

so after a while I quit that and went to craigslist. where I spend hours just going through photos and weird ads and so on and on... and on. I found nothing. Really.I send out a couple of mails and no one responded. Then there were some weird ads. One person says for the low rent you can have the basement with bathroom and kitchennette but instead you got to run their grocery and other errands :/ AND pick up their son from his friends houses! uhm
Another lady mails saying in one room three girls, so 6 girls and one girl in the living room, instantly a messed up horribly smelling bathroom came to mind and I had to decline. Though my stds are low I must draw the line somewhere. I was tempted with the basement, I can pick up the 14 year old kid..from friends places..I think. Snoop says, what if he makes you wait for hours and hours.. That sort of stumped me. Unnecessary situations could develop.

Then finally I remembered BU's own site where there must be ads, more searching and finally I found the perfect place. Its about ten minutes from where I need to go and there is a green line and the room is small but enough to fit a large bed, a writing desk and maybe all my books! The two other girls seem very nice, a Russian and a Brazilian, They have a cat, but well. I can get used to a cat. The closeness is what is pulling me. Earlier I was considering living in East Boston for the cheaper rent but then the bitter winter will then arrive and make me commute slushing through dirty snow, getting off and taking another bus and then walking more. Who am I kidding? That cannot be me.

And for a few more hundreds  :( I can stay closer to classes means I will take that up anyday. The problem is I wont be seeing the place till I am back from India but my aunty is going to go check it out, her stds are a little higher than mine but thats ok and she will give them whatever deposit they need. The only problem is the girl who is moving out is off to stay with her bf and I am worried in the next two months she will change her m ind and I will sit here thinking yay, I have found the place and then when she does change her mind, the hunt will begin all over again. I am not sure what kind of legal thing I can get from them before I move in. I dont think there is anything like that.

But I really want this place!
I am kind of dreading room mates. After living with boi you know to start this all over again, plus the memories of the zombie are still fresh in mind. Have I not told you of zombie aka crybaby? Must be in my old old blog.

Zombie was my roommate for a whole year. she was either zombie or crybaby. Any kind of tough assignment comes our way- stay up till 2 in morning doing it or presentation coming up or I dont know pretty much anything comes up and she would cry! And I wouldnt know what to do. Initially I would go sit with her and hope she wouldnt touch me. Yes, I dont like touching people when they are crying, and she would collapse on to my shoulders, tears all over my tee! It was disgusting! Then one day the crying was so much I had to hug her. We were in my bed and she actually climbed in. She is very small about 5ft. climbed in, pulled the sheets up and just settled....there sniffling. For what seemed like eternity.

More horrid things- she hated eating in public. so she would get her food to the room, pav bhaji and eggs and noodles. and then leave the plates lying around amidst all the clothes heap and all kinds of CRAP. Many times I would clean both our parts hoping it would sway her, but she would just lie in bed and say  my name in a weird cooochie - for lack of better word way and smile up lazily. How I wanted to just kick her out of there! how how. :(

Then I stopped cleaning her part, so there would my side, clean with desk wiped and clothes all hung up in the closet, books neatly arranged and her part.... It used to make me so angry like gnash teeth in anger. she would stay up till 2 and 3 chatting and I would be so dead, half asleep but lights and me dont go together. I would wait not patiently but neverthless till like one- which seemed a reasonable hour to ask to switch lights off and she would say - arrey I am doing some assignment! As if! Lying bitchslutwhore. :/
she had two  boyfriends, one Gujrati and one Maharashtrian. so chatting and phone would proceed till early morning, each bf attempting to teach her their language. can you imagine at two- giggles and khem che chu whatever! Most painful.

Then a whole lot of other disgusting situations I wont go into and finally we completely stopped speaking, thank god. I was spending more and more time outside the room. so you see I am a little skeptical. but then here I will have my own room and these girls said they have rotational cleaning. which gives me hope.

You all can send some good wishes my way so that I get this place. wokay?

In other news. Going to India on Saturday. Sister has something called Paratyphoid. But is getting better. Boi likes his job. San Fran is not sunny as promised. All this tax and such promises, the sunny weather crap is all bullshit. Well atleast this year.Though I love this weather, so I am not sure why I said that. Its cloudy and breezey which is good.

Tada for now.

Not thaaat important

Just venting. I dislike the housemate's girlfriend. she annoys me. She hasnt done anything concretely horrid. I am just a horrible person who dislikes people for no reason but has it happened to any of you that someone just manages to piss you off for no reason? just their general existence. or in this case,

1. She doesnt live here but she IS ALWAYS here.

2. You have got to pay extra if its two people per room but I bet she is not.

3. We share the bathroom with her bf. who is messy. considerate but messy. and now her too!

4. When I see her body wash sit very innocently in the area previously occupied by my conditioner I want to smash it in a bout of unreasonable anger.

5. She has been in the loo twice when I wanted in. :/

6. she is always ALWAYS eating and messes up the one part of sink which is mine. The other part of the sink is completely filled with old unwashed buuuuaaah dishes. and now she wants this!

7. she has an icky smile. That stretches her mouth and eyes. Unnaturally.

she must not live here.  Must Must not.

:(
The rest of the housemates are ok. The bf is ok, he smiles very sweetly each time we pass each other which is ok, fine but I am not that smiley faced persona, think my blog picture head! The other big guy with long hair will bore you with stupid conversation if you even so much as say a hi. The Indian Tamilian guy is just...weird hair. The last boi is pretty :) with pretty hair and perfectly ironed crisp white shirts. A bit like Morrison from glee. He can walk around if he wishes. I will allow it. :/

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Thoughts on kids and related activities

So I was reading this post on a blog, one which I really like but then I do not quite agree with the sentiment expressed. It really could be true but it seemed a bit of a stereotyping and that being something I try avoiding- with a lot of effort btw.

So the thing was why people are so adamant about having kids. or why every other tom and dick and jane is interested in how long have you been married and visheshm ille? - no news yet. :/

To be honest only my servant lady has asked me this so far. I think mainly because I am a bit of a sour puss in the family circles, one who does not allow unnecessary questions to be asked to her. My friend keeps asking me, how do you do it, sounding very vexed. Its easy, at least for me. I dont ask anything about them- esp to these nosey aunties- Nothing at all. Despite this some will still steer the conversation that way, I just immediately announce before anyone starts that I intend on studying. YES, MORE. 

In fact they are more interested in saying things like: what are job prospects in amergias after what I am going to do? Its really reaaly not your business. I might have answered you if you were asking so that your own kid could do it or something but no, I know what you will tell your kids when you are heading back. Anyway. how did it get here?

So only servant lady. My mum in fact is very against me having kids till I am holding down a job and "settled" :) I think its years of hearing from everywhere- "if only you had a job you family would have been better off lines"

I dont think she is very happy with this MFA situation esp cos I will have to tell her I will come out of it as unemployable as before. That will be one painful conversation. My dad will mention once in a while the importance of kids and how it would sort of nice if I could produce a boy baby. He is totally looking forward to being a granddad, preferably a boy baby. Only if you can- as he half jokes. To my questions of how exactly am I to accomplish this feat he has no answers. In fact he says: if you really want it, it will be a boi. But I really reallie dont have such choices, dad. :/

Now the thing is I want to please these two, yes, sure. Just on my terms. I was actually ok with having a kid last year, despite our situation.

One phd student- father, one applying to colleges- mother. excellent combination for a kid to come into. Then I sort of felt it wasnt really fair to the kid. I mean as a baby of course it wont want anything as in wont demand anything- it better not :/  but then it will shoot up so fast and soon will be wanting this and that and what if we are not done with studying and we are still broke.

I know how it feels to want small little things but to learn to not ask for it. and then teach your sister also to not ask for it. Its quite sad really. Thus all baby plans postponed. My amma doesnt mind, my acha periodically minds, my mum in law doesnt mind! no one minds, except the servant lady. 

Yes its probably because its been only about two years.Maybe after MFA they will all collectively start their chants but the thing is they wont have to. I myself want me two little girls. yes, I do. This Psychic also told me I will. she said she saw two little girls with curly black hair. I was sold at the hair part! I have curly black hair! aha
Also that I am a fool who will will believe when I hear things I want to hear.

Ideally I would have three kids but realistically I will not. I was having this conversation with my friend and I told her how I would rather adopt one of these kids. she said she too doesnt want to have babies for a while now but she is older than me by a few years so the pressure is much more on her. so I said in all my wisdom that is ok, if you want to postpone go ahead and then since you are not a fan of giving birth-is- a -mother's- right- movement then you could just adopt. 

she said oh, no, I mean I dont want to do that, we are not really that rebellious and I dont have that much goodwill or anything in me..

which set me thinking. The reason I want to adopt a kid is as much for my sanity as the kids. Its not a favor I am providing! I mean I dont want to do the birth situation twice and I do want the girls to be say a couple of years apart which means 2 out 4 years I am walking around pregnant. NO, I dont think so! 

Earlier my dad and I used to sponsor a little kid and then I lost my job. Yeah well. This kid was damn cute, they used to send us pictures of him. Kannan. I didnt care for the name though but he was motu and with big eyes. My dad was a sucker for his pictures. But even then I wasnt quite sold. I like little boys but boi and I are sort of leaning towards our picture perfect two girls in chaddis running around a beach with a dog photo. The chaddi part is just me btw. :/

So anyway what I am trying to say is the reason we wanted to have kids is not cos we dont have anything else to discuss. Our baby discussions mostly happen after we run into someone with babies.Otherwise we are perfectly happy to talk about other things.  In fact one of the common reasons I am seeing is general boredom of sitting at home after coming to this country. Blame the visa guys for the baby increase. Well at least the people I know are happy together folks, they do things together and apart and they want a kid cos they WANT that kid. I am open though to the idea that there must be people doing it so that they can focus everything on that poor kid.

Boi's uncle who lives here has this amazing family, two beautiful little girls, dog and everything. I am like a little jealous of them. teeny weeny little. They are actually such decent kids, they have been given just the right doses of everything. and I am very impressed with their Malayalam. Yes its very important. :/ 

I want me the picture. 

About everything that's going on RIGHT NOW

I get along so much better with boi's uncle's and aunt's than mine. Somebody once said that in every family there will be this one/ at least one pain in the ass-greedy-extremely manipulative fucker. My family, both sides seem to be amply blessed, maybe we have a couple of extra quotas too. Earlier we only had to deal with the greedy grandmother will all her sly demands of my father. once upon a time, we were very poor and my dad still feels guilty about not having kept his mother in all the glory that she deserves.  not. :/

Anyway so now he seems to be making it up and more and more. one of the primary reasons my parents dont get along is this piece of crap hanging around. It was very very nasty to my mum in those days, making her cry and saying these horrid things to her. I used to stand around watching this scared to say anything back cos evil thing used to be all powerful in those days.

My mum happens to be one of those people who has gotten stronger with time. she has also cultivated a very obscene mouth. Mum was brought up by this gentle soul, the kind of woman who wouldnt say anything back even if you crossed her, over and over. Mum never knew passive aggressiveness or giving back just the way you get it... well, you should see her now.

Of course I am glad. Really really glad, once must stick up for themselves ultimately right? The only problem is my dad is now all willing to forget old tragedies and start out again and...she is not.  she has a point, I cant help seeing her point. she has lost more than anyone over the past 26 years. There is no reason she should be forgiving now. I think she wants to but she cant quite do it..

It would help if the greedy grandmother hadnt given birth to so many useless kids and now my dad is expected to support all these idiots. well, to be fair just one. This one useless brother. clingy, whiney, complaining. His latest argument is " All of you brothers went off abroad and did well. I didnt. I hung around here looking after out parents so now I expect to be paid back"

This angered me more than anything he has said so far. So much that I have been yelling at my dad, wondering how he cant see the flawed logic.

cos.
1. He is utterly use-fucking-less. He started a number of things only to fail miserably, all funded of course by my generous father.

2. who the fuck says this! Its like me saying, Hey, V, look I am bringing our parents to the U.S and looking after them, why dont you give me some money now for this. I mean you are a doctor, you must have lots lying around.

3. This looking after that he did, was basically taking an auto and coming to the ancestral house and having a second lunch and going to sleep. :/ yes, if one of them fell sick he would  drag them them to the hospital after much whining about his "busy schedule" and then ask for exorbitant amounts for a few lab tests.

what a joke. seriously. what.a.fucking.joke.

Now his older daughter is to be married, she is in her final year btech or something, barely 21. I will give you three guesses why they are getting her married off so early. I bet you will never guess.

Cos the evil thing from space wants to see one more wedding of her grandchild before she dies.

Anyone? anything? yeah ok

Now my mum is willing to overlook this extra louw for the mother, part. she really is but then my dad is expected to conduct this wedding. The old evil thing with all that teeth hanging out has divided her property- a piece of dry,stupid land amongst her kids. Its on top of a fuckin hill and its not going to be sold forever.

Now the evil brother knows this. but still he wants to sell it but the evil thing from space doesnt want a foreign feet to step on this land. can you believe this? can you believe this!!! so she wants my dad to buy it. and the brother wants some fuck all price for it.

Obviously mum is going to be mad. hopping mad. Me too, folks. Me too.

My dads arguments are

1. she probably wont survive one more year. Not true, he has been saying this for ten years. She will outlive me and my kids.

2. I want to see what happens if someone else buys this fucking land.
    if a "kafir" steps on it. I mean who says that anymore.GOD.

3. The old piece of crap has been getting her way for too long.

I had to interfere and stop him. They all know its me and probably hate me, I couldnt care less. I kinda get the feeling my parents will not last this one out if he does go ahead and do it. So after much emailing and arguing ( ugh) finally we have all agreed that dad will give them that big chunk of cash and we get a promisory note saying greedy brother- lets call him- greebro,  will sell this before so and so date and give it to us back. what all I had to say. what all.


And in between this, I was unfriending people on FB? It showed some 300 people, I dont know 300 people. So I was doing that and I took off greebro's kids. :/ It wasnt a malicious act or anything, I mean I like the kid. Its a sweet kid. I just didnt feel comfy having them all look at my drunken pics or something and commenting in their hush shussh what has come over her-amerigas has spoiled her-type lines. AS IF.

So this is the new issue. The daughter cried. Greebro called my dad and said what did greebro kid do to me etc etc. I felt a lil guilty. so I lied. :/ said I deactivated my account and told dad strictly not to make this about some stupid FB shit.

Will have to see greebro this June. :/ UGH.