We will be okay

On saturday when A, called I had fallen asleep on the couch with my book. I had a target of 200 pages to read and there was fifty to go. I usually turn the phone to silent when I take a nap but this was an accidental nap and when his ringtone continued insistently, I finally picked up and said, groggily, yes, what, hoping he would notice and hang up. But he sounded upset, and I was immediately awake. He had gotten rear ended and he kept saying, he was okay and was in some rest-room. Rear ended didn't sound so bad and I was relieved he was all right.

and then began all the insurance, the number crunching, the calls. It turns out, she is too far gone to be repaired. You know, it might be sound silly, but she was our girl. When I first started dating A, he told me about her, he had a name for her. Swappu, short for swapna sundari, :), dream girl it meant. Man and Machine, I thought. When I got to bloomington, A and swappu came to chicago to pick me up. She is a blue verona, paint chipped a little on a side. She is about seven years old. A's first big investment after college.

And then a few days later, after dinner, I tried her out in a parking lot. She was very compliant. A gave me the spare key. A taught me to drive with her. We fought much in the car. I got my license with her. What a joke that day she was. I am glad she got to see it. She had been having some trouble. she would stop, suddenly. But almost always start again, protesting a little but she would. we spoke occasionally of giving her away, but eventually we would come to- no, she will retire in a garage in a house we will buy someday.

We drove to Indianapolis to the Indian store, loaded up with Indian sweets and stuff. I drove back. and then when A got the internship in California, we decided to load up and do cross country. She was perfect during the drive. Three days up, three days down. In Santa Clara, she had some battery trouble. But that was it.
We have gone to so many places with her- Chicago, Boston, Yosemite. Vegas. I am so sad, but I keep telling myself, look at all the stuff she saw. A will probably write about her life with him before I arrived.

I am going to put up a picture of me and her, when I find it. But she was our first car, and we loved her. Enough to cry, now that she is gone.
You know we would keep you if we could. How we get attached to everything.

Sounds and Silence

My mother, she hated sounds. She had a migraine, or she claimed one most days. The house we rented was not on the main street. The only sound there was, would be an occasional fish-seller on his cycle, a scooter, the neighbors dog barking once in a while telling us all he was still there.

I detested and loved summer holidays. I detested and loved school. Both for the same reason. Escape. All I wished was to escape her face. If you have a mother like mine then you know better than anyone what helpless means.  To be not able to console her, to say more than- when I grow up, I will never make you cry or act like a clown to just get a rare laugh out of her.
Helpless, both me and her. Her, in her inability to take solace in her kids and mine, my age. What was I to do today that would solve things, was my single most prominent thought from age eight to say, sixteen.

I am always fascinated by definitions. My uncle gifted me a big blue hard bound dictionary. Years later I would check up words- Respect, helpless, intercourse, fidelity, woebegone. These are the ones I remember.

My mother knew no better. I am 26 soon and she had me and my sister by the time she was twenty six. Most of my ideas are insane, most of my thoughts, even now are childish. I am still probably playing games with myself, sometimes with my husband and life. Why then should I expect my mother to have made sane, practical choices, decisions based on pragmatism. No, I don't blame her at all. Its just life playing tricks.

My mother screamed at me if I made the slightest sounds. And so I wouldn't sneeze too loud. I had occasional sneezing fits, mild wheezing. I hid under the parapet. There was a giant square shaped hole built for perhaps accommodating two air conditioners, my favorite summer housing. I waited there till my sneezing fits were over. Even now I can't bring myself to sneeze loudly. Everyone deems it cute- Like a kitten's sneeze. There is nothing cute about it. Its just habit.
Sneezing wasn't allowed, the atrociousness of that is now so clear.

The person I live with now is a mother. She is amazingly patient, and generous. She gives more than she asks for. I watch the fights she has with her daughter and sometimes I am jealous. If only my problems had been as simple as- you 'ordered me to cook dinner.'
I have cooked dinner for four sullen people by candlelight. In this house, my earlier fears of sound pop up. When they were having a fight and my phone beeped loudly,  my heart literally jumped in my throat. Silence is at all times the norm, don't you remember that?

My mother sends me sad texts now. They are all in abbreviated form but I can sense the sadness in these- i wsh i hd dn tngs dif"

You don't need to say it amma, I reply, I already know, no grudges.

Friends

The thing about friends is, some of them happen when you least see it coming. I like this group I am in, I like some more than the rest. I dislike two not because they are unsufferable or they lack something, its just my petty minded-ness.

The closest friend I have is my korean girl.She reminds me a bit of June and that is consoling. We get along, we hang out, but we never tell everyone else, that we are. Its sort of like a guilty secret.We discuss the rest. Initially I was apprehensive because its a small group and I didnt want to create any problems but it got too much inside and its cold outside. Do you know when its really cold its hard to be alone? Its a theory that I am thinking about more. Maybe in winter, people hook up more. I should finds stats for this.

Anyway, then there is M, who I really like, and I can sense its a mutual feeling. We always defend the other in class and I am really not doing it for any personal gain, like a two way street. Its because I think is genuine and I adore her spunkiness.

And now, there is. D. He is the weirdest of the lot. I sense something terribly wrong with him. Like a front that he has put up, that needs a lot of work. I totally know what it means and maybe that is why I can sense it. His writing is like a spiral staircase, its a climb, and then it drops from a very high point. I loved it, everyone else pretty much disliked it. Me and M, kept defending it much to the Prof.s annoyance. So far I think, D had it worst. D was told not to even to consider using this story.
Anyway what makes me write this post is, D sends me an email saying in short, paraphrasing, "Do you have a friend in this group? someone you can vent with? I can be your friend, if you want. I felt moved to ask you."

No one except this guy will write an email like this. Its exactly the kind of thing that people laugh at you for, the kind of thing that you think about, but never say loud. Some kind of mental conditioning. Its funny and sad at the same time.
I am not surprised at the email, nor its tone. I dont see him speaking any other way. The only thing that surprises me, if a certain kind of persona has been worked at for years and years, then why would you let it slip? I would never allow myself to slip. Unless, I am getting the whole persona wrong.

D has an insight that is rare, to see the things in other people's stories, things that most people miss but when it comes to his own work, he stumbles. It becomes too obvious, obtuse. something goes wrong and it takes monumental effort for most people to see through that. I loved the story on the first read. It was so disheartening to see people say- I didn't get it, dont confuse the readers, dont use such fancy language. Dont, dont, dont.

Its always about what is not there, in a work, its never enough what is there, what you imagined, plotted and strove at. That is never enough.
S

Job two

So I have some free time coming up. Yeah, free time, time free. When I said that in class, someone said what is that thing that you speak of, it sounds vaguely familiar. Of course this person is overloaded with work, he is teaching this sem, taking two lit course etc. etc. I have spread it across which means I will be stuck here during summer. Stuck is used here in a good way.

So free time, yes which means I am thinking of going off to New York. Its about 3 hours by bus. I also found this bus stiuation where sometimes they give away tickets for like a $1 as promos. But otherwise too its fairly cheap around 15$. So well its a plan. Now to fund this plan I need some money and just then I got a job.

Its the jewish holiday time coming up and the job is dinner-prep, 'light cleaning' at this woman's house. It pays well and so I went off to see her. The house was a royal mess but she has three kids so..
But I am beginning to think this is how most houses are kept! Outwardly fancy and destruction inside. So the lady was pretty nice. Its a festival where they have to be outdoors when they have the feast so they have built this tent in their backyard and they have hung all kinds of lights and lanterns around. Then she showed me her pantry! I cannot tell you what is happening there because its colossal! Its stocked with so much food to feed an army and some.
So during the feast they cant use electricity. so she tells me- if I say oh I think I need to switch on another burner, then you know what to do.
I am to switch on the burner! lights. dishwasher. :/ How much more odd can it get.

Anyhow so next Wednesday after class I will be dead but I will have also submitted story3 and I need just one more for this semester. So I have agreed to go after class.

I have brought 9 new books. I will post titles soon. I have a new story that I quite like. I have been re writing it so much that it looks so different from its original state. But its still not enough. Someone in class writes like hundred drafts. Hundred, with all kinds of permutations and combinations for the characters. she gives the lover cancer and then the lover's wife craziness and their son autism. I wasn't sure if that is how I want to take things forward. I mean I go with a fixed idea. Maybe that is what is wrong. I will know better next week because two stories of mine are being work-shopped Mon and Wednesday.

Later then.

Before I forget

Odd situation. My friend who was fairly sensible to me but creepy to many says she is having an affair. She literally died to marry this guy, who she says knows what's going on.
I dont believe her.

I definitely dont want to believe her.

Sorting things

Who thought I would love Tofu?

Who thought I would love long lectures, which I attend, even though I dont need to.

Who thought I would walk the whole circle of a pond that takes about a good one hour

Who thought I would write better, much better in a month

Who thought I would be proud of this achievement

Who thought I would admit to myself  and then say in a small voice out in public- I am a writer,yup, that is right without being apologetic about it.

Who thought despite meeting more and more people I would still crave only my best friend's company when I really need to talk!

Who thought people would find me. let me emphasize me funny

Who thought my odd jobs would now take me to being someone's dinner party food- prep- help

Who thought I would figure out directions in a city and go see things all by myself

Who thought I wouldnt be too scared coming home late slightly tipsy but still having had a wonderful evening in a social situation

Who thought I would discover all these new things about writing

Who thought I would learn to value my mother more without her having to say anything, without her even saying a word about her sacrifices

Who thought I would have the one man willing to spend his precious time helping me out

Who thought I would read articles about writers and yet be able to say no, I dont think that is quite right

Who thought I would be able to keep up with all this.

Just us folks.

One of the reasons for this change is fairly lame but let me attempt to explain.

Saturday's the boi calls everyone back home and on Sunday I do. So I get to hear all the news one more time, which I kind of like. No, that was just some random information.

So I am talking to amma and she asks me about my cousin here with whom I disagree on pretty much everything. She loves being the sati-savitri wife types and will proceed to tell you during any conversation how important it is that as married wives, we do the RIGHT fucking thing. Which I am not even sure means what. Now this might give you an idea of her physical looks, like some oiled mungy but no, she is very stylish, will walk the walk and everything but the talk. yeah, there is where I have to disagree.

 For her, we must always bite down our thoughts and screams- if any and just bear it. :/ We must respect the people who insult us-because we are better than them. Not me, no thank you.

I will go with respect has to be earned and then returned. Now you would think, just maybe that her heart is of gold and she thinks all this from the goodness of that said heart, nope, nope, wrong again. she abuses like a fisherwoman and knows some of the best therris that exists in the malayalam dictionary but ONLY me and her mum-secretly of course gets to see that.

You see where I am going with this? Double faced swords, so hard for me to handle. Even just pretending to be nice to someone I inherently dislike swaps the life out of me. I have no idea how she does it. Anyway, so my amma tells me the reason she might have been acting funny since a while is probably because she reads your blog! what a thought, amma, I say, its an anon blog, HG could be any random girl under the sun. But no, amma gives some compelling reasons and I panic.

The thing is though I think she is so lame, I dont want to hurt her feelings or anything. Plus she loves EVIL gmom. and I have to got to vent about that sometimes. So all in all, amma says, why dont you blog all that nansense in private. I had to agree especially since I have to diss so many people now in the program also. 

Speaking of which, I had a fun weekend. A girl from the class and I went to the Museum of Fine arts here, free for students and Bank of America card holders. :/ I immediately discovered the ancient egyptian section and you couldnt have dragged me from there. I saw just three rooms of that section in two hours. There was a sarcophagus of a queen whose name is too long for me to write here.! A real sarcophagus!! Ha.

The korean girl, she on the other hand, saw everything. Haha. She is pretty adorable though. 

Here is something I dislike about some of the people from the program, not this girl though. They will go : Have you read this blah blah book by blah blah someone? and you will go: NO. and they will say: WHAT! ( like that in caps) 

I mean seriously, there are just way too many books out there. All right? You yourself will say NO a thousand times, if I make a list and bring it and read it and ask you like that. You haven't read THIS? But because I have a faulty memory and I am fairly nice dont go all, you ignorant peasant looks on me. :/

Another thing is, its a room filled with people who love the sound of their own voices. Except me and another guy. :( I would rather not talk but I know that isn't possible. In LE s class I have to contribute, which is fine but with Sigrid, she herself has so many things to say and analyse and information and so much this and that, that I think, why, why I must say anything. I mean nothing I say will count much and why intervene with something inconsequential when she is making such a good point. Most people agree with me, but this one guy who LOOOUWS analyzing every single line, doesn't. 

I have just finished writing something, which I am pretty proud of, that itself is so rare. Which is not a good thing because that will hurt more. In other cases you are submitting, feeling a little detached. But in this case you are doing so with a heart that says, this will redeem me in his eyes. This shouldn't be about HIM. Omg, when am I going to get that.

I have to go.

All right.

So the first bout of tears have come and so have the words. It went really so so bad. Like dig a hole, bury my head, never come up bad. The thing is when it was all happening, I didnt feel the slightest anger/ sadness/ irritation at the critiquing. I only thought it useful, as in, how did I miss this and that and that. Oh that's a good point. so on. Though among 11 opinions, I can only probably use LE's and another guys sort of brilliant suggestion.
Lack of clarity in sentences, grammar, punctuation are as always screwing me up.

Next,
This is sort of cheap of me, but what no one needs to know there. I hate it that there is another Indian girl. I hate it. Her ideas per se are at best mediocre but her writing is brilliant and this doesn't need to bother me but it does. I want her not to be there, with her middle class Indian mother father brother stories and then LE going how marvelous middle class stories are. PAH.

I am feeling little stuck, out of breath sorts. Obviously I knew the pressures. How much work. I have had barely enough time to register and understand the last comments and now in a week and five days I have another submission and then the next week, one more. There is a small gap after that.

Another thing. I feel very under read. When someone asks me favorite authors I blink. Because I genuinely forget. and then stupidly only Munroe and Carver come to mind. I must write this shit down.

and lastly. In the larger scheme of things and some weird personal one's I have to make this blog place a private place. Yes I do. So if you all who bother coming here could just send me your email id's I would be happy to invite y'all. I will leave it like this for a week or so.

Ps: I have lost weight, the tee shirt that once clung and clung is hanging loose. That is the only good news. oh and that I have taken myself off Facebook. THAT is the extent to which I am being driven. FB used to be such entertainment, time consuming of course. Still. All those mom's with their babies pictures with titles. Haha. I know I would do the same, though it probably annoys a lot of people and the creepy girl with her " me and hubby patting a lion in mauritius" Haha.
Damn I will miss Fb.

S

The odd job

I have great respect for odd jobs, the service jobs, the ones that pay you by the hour-really badly and yet you do it, because even just 40bucks helps when you are in school.
And it also teaches you a few lessons in humiltiy and tipping- yes, and in noticing the lives of others. I can never be that person- the one with the headphones who barely looks at anyone, trudging along. I have to always be the watcher, the one who will notice the woman with the struggling baby attatched to her or the the man with the trembling limbs and while I feel a certain kind of pride in being this person, its not all.
The previous odd job at an eye brow parlor where I learned to thread eyebrows paid me not too well but I couldnt handle the sitting at home day after day waiting for programs to get back to me. Some people I met there I still remember, some they talk a lot, they will tell you of dogs that attacked them suddenly trying to explain the bruise on their face while I hope that that was really what happened, some will ask you if all Indian men have to have arranged marriages and some will just tell you that you did such a good job, tipping you heavily, making you feel warm, in even just this menial job.

The Uni money and scholarship is just about enough to pay rent, tuition, insurance leaving me with little to pursue my favourite hobby of cooking and eating and so I need yet another odd job. The one's advertised are stalked by us all and if you call a day late, its gone.
All kinds of jobs, cashiers, servers, yard work < my god!> and the jobs at dining services much coveted for its free food in btw shifts, all gone so fast! Poof!

I have taken to calling them first before sending resumes and the other day I saw this: Needed someone for light housekeeping- watering plants, cleaning dishes, so on n on. My stds are low, I can do pretty much anything and she was paying well, about 16per hour, when I called her she sounded so doped out, vague and confused. I was going to hang up but then she said she had broken her knee and had just had surgery and..there was no one to help. I thought, what the hell. Its not so far away from my place but I have to take two buses. I finally reach and meet her. she is an old lady in a housecoat. Hair that has been cut so short and teeth, some have fallen out.Chipped nails, bad breath- the works. And the house- god have mercy. It was such a mess. Here is something you need to know about me.
My instant reaction, the immediate one to any problem is- of course I can sort this out. There is no negativity in the beggining, no can I ? will I? Its always of course! and so I thought, of course I can clean up this place. I should remember that this is STUPID. I must remember, must remember to factor in the OTHER person. The dishes were fine, since apparently she hadnt had solid food in three days. Just some bowls and cups, well not some, many. She had been surviving on butter nut sqaush soup. The apt is in some kind of old age residency, lots of old folks walking around with walkers. Thoroughly depressing, the kind of scene in which everything I dread has been incorporated- old age, disease, being alone and messed up.

When I started to clean her living room- a pile of zillion papers, she wouldnt let me throw anything out. She was a hoarder, from medical bills from six years to prescriptions to ATM stubs to grocery lists, old copies of resumes, a singles memebership subscription of years, every goddamn thing had to be saved because just in case, just, just what if something went wrong and she had to explain. It made me so sad, these piles of papers and copies.. I just put them away in files. I asked her if I should get her something to eat. She said she had ordered something a few days ago and it was in the fridge. But that she hadnt been able to open the plastic container and when I did, she ate very messily. After a while, I threw all the garbage away and came back and she said she was tired and needed to rest. I could do nothing without her- I dont want to get blamed throwing something out! and so she paid me said she would call and that was that.

Yet another odd job and people. You know someday I will be able to write better on the human condition.

Later

On my own

The boi has left and I am on my own and its absolutely not a good feeling and I am miserably unhappy and unreasonably angry but not sure who to be angry at. I dont like living alone anymore. I did, I had big plans earlier  and all when I did but now all I want is to come home at night and whine to the boi about a hard day-if hard day or tell him about my good moments and have him rub my feet.
As I said earlier, the room is fine, the people are fine, everything is just fine. But all I can think of is going back to Bloomington. I will stop now, maybe I might jinx myself.

Life is on standstill till Wednesday. Till everyone gets back with comments on the story I submitted last week. Especially L.E's comments. LE pronounces a story as a success or just ok and I am torn, torn re reading it. I dont know what to think and my head hurts from analyzing what he is thinking. So Wednesday and it depresses me that if its bad I will have to cry alone and if its good I have to be on phone telling boi. Its really not thaaat big a deal- I guess after all I am here to get better but I cant shake off that feeling that this counts towards something.

We went to a Prof.s house for Labor day- I think I mentioned earlier on. Most people brought their spouses/ partners and I can tell you that A was the best looking boi there. No, I am not just saying that cos he is on a flight back home. Really! I dont understand how people can dress so badly and step out! I wont get into details because well you know- who knows who might see this along the road. Anyhow. It wasnt so bad- the socializing. I managed to stay about two hours without quite looking foolish, except when I ran into Ha Jin and literally stayed open mouthed and thankfully Boi saved me from that. From further - I am so so so so thrilled to meet you dialogues from leaving my mouth repeatedly. The food was bad.

I am supposed to be reading Silence by Shusaku Endo and instead I am obssesively reading The Bad Girl by Vargas llosa. and watching sad movies which have this amazing ability to cheer me up. Does that make sense- like this one-ugh- Its not a love story! Oh my god, it was so painful, the girl and the story and the damn camera forever focusing on her thighs! Ram Gopal Varma-oh my god. but it gives me some perverse happiness- that hey, look people are doing bad bad things all around. It wont make sense and in that spirit I also saw Michael Douglas say No, no, no sex please to Demi Moore in some movie whose name I have forgotten in less than two hours. I keep wanting to say Contagion though! We also saw The Debt. Mirren didnt have much of a role but the younger Mirren played by Jessica Chastain did an awesomely superb job. Rest can be ignored.

I need me some food. I hate cooking for just me. I have some chicken and some Kheema and some fish. The house is silent like Sunday's back home. Chicken curry-fish fry lunches and then a nap and then the 5:00 malayalam movie- no matter what crap they play. Back in Btown we used to do it, boi loves his afternoon nap.  I am sad. I am a sad kitten. Like sad Keanu. :o Haha, ok that cheered me up.

Later

Hi All

Hey guys, been a while since I posted here but I have been so stressed out and running around! Ok, Lets see, I have been here four days now. Wednesday we got here and they promptly made my life miserable by losing my luggage and then promising to deliver it the same day and then not even picking up calls for a whole day, while I walked around in Boi's home clothes. Thu was orientation and teaching fellow orientation and first class with Leslie. The TF thing made me a little panicky since so much SO MUCH information was thrown my way.
But I have some time and I think I will figure it out- which is fairly optimistic coming from me. Obviously they told us the usual things, the no's and what to do's etc etc.
The program co -ordinator is an amazing lady with great amount of patience for all my endless questions. She figured out all my scholarship and teaching money and I am so happy with how its worked out. In fall I will have to live a little tight but in spring I will live like a queen. :o or well, eat like a queen!
She also managed to have some spare money for me so that I can pay health insurance from the scholarship and I only have to put in a leetle bit of cash. Anyway enough of that.

Leslie is pretty amazing, his energy is very becoming and I so far agree with all his policies. He is of the school that when we learn to appreciate art, then we become better human beings and better writers and as part of that school of thought, we will be spending some time picking out a piece from the museum of fine arts and writing about why we were moved by it.

The Cohort are all amazing people so far from such diverse backgrounds and stories. Our first workshop story was handed to us- two people each time and so we all get to workshop three stories in Fall. I am going third and I am more or less ready. The two stories I read so far- amazing diction, so so well written but uhm.. how do I put it, it just didnt do anything for me. I didnt think oh my god, this is what I would have loved to write or wish I had written this, but I was very impressed with the use of words and the choice of phrases.

I am still scared of him, of making him think I am a mistake and so on but I think I will be Ok. He also made a valid point- this year will be easier if we all just learn to love each other a bit and as part of that we are all going out for drinks on Wednesday.  I think my problem with socializing will have to be curbed somehow, I dont know how but I will have to make that effort.

I am also so excited with the library, its huge and well stocked and so far I love the structure of the program. Sigrid's class doesnt start till12th but its a revision and editing class and I think I will really need it. I am also trying to read more writers away from my comfort zone. I think I will need to spend some quality time reading slow because Proust and Baldwin are really not easy reads but if he thinks its going to help- I am going to buy it

Another thing I notice is that its probably easier for the people in my age group to accept what he says easier and adapt as opposed to the older writers who seem to be taking it with a pinch of salt. I am not saying I will blindly follow him, but if he thinks some other way of approaching a story  is better, I am willing to make that effort to re write it up.

But at the same time, the older writers seem to disagree, a little stuck in their ways- for eg, he has a big problem with echoes, he expects you to go through the draft hawk like, taking out words that sound similar or repeated in the same para, obviously he says dont do it for the sake of it, as in dont use some terribly wrong word just so to get rid of the echo but make that extra effort to get rid of it, try all kinds of words in that space.

I am with him, but someone else was very quick to say how she couldn't care less about the damn echoes. He said - Oh I think you will.
I also dont think I will muster the courage to go against him like that, at least for a while and at least till its something that really matters to me.

Boston has been great so far, great food, amazing weather- partly cloudy and rainy in the nights. The campus is beautiful and I love our workshop room, where once Plath and Sexton had been. Its  all too much if I think about it too much.

My place is in Brookline which is a very nice neighborhood, lots of nice little cafes in the village- not seen yet, but hear its really good and my room in a house is huge, like I dont need this much space and we got me a bed and other knick knacks. '

Abigail and her daughter seem such warm nice people, I think I will especially like the girl- she is a teenager but seems more mature than her age. The room itself is painted  a light shade of violet and  it has a small nice bathroom, with a shower stall, not a tub-thankfully, less cleaning. They are Vegetarians but they dont mind me making whatever I want.

Not staying there yet, at my Aunt's place. I love her place, its so warm and comfy in here and they are an amazing couple. And they take care of both of us so well and yesterday night we stayed up late arguing about what makes some people the way they are. How bad conditioning can be and whether science or religion is more close to one's heart.

Obviously we are all very loud and opinionated people and we all had different views and it went on for a while but it was good fun. I do love dinner table talk so much.
There are some movies we want to see- Contagion, The Debt. I think we might go with these guys. I think Leslie and my Uncle would get along so well, they both like the same music- Brahms and Bach and they might I think agree on some political issues too. Tomorrow is the Labor day picnic at Robert Pinksy's house- though I am asking them to tag along, they refuse, so it might be just me and my hot date. ;p

More on everything later.

S

Waiting

What is a better time to blog than when waiting infuckingendingly ( bad wrong word) for people to pick up phones. So yes, about Sunday and that leaving on Sunday plan- because of the hurricane flights are cancelled. Before I forget two people have already pissed me off with hurricane jokes.
1) "You guys I am having a hurricane party! Though here, its only mild cloudy skies"

2) - uhm faulty memory kicks in, what was it! It was really stupid though.

Anyway on the phone, me and boi, calling Orbitz and United, both of them making us hold and hold andddd hold. I have also caught a cold from the boi. I have a funny picture of him under a towel taking steam. Ok, not that funny, but still.
Maybe I can give you some random news while I wait. We saw Planet of the Apes yesterday despite my Franco aversion and Pinto dislike and I absolutely liked the movie. I guess they were fairly harmless and plus it was all about the ape, anyway.  Franco aversion if I havent explained before is all due to his bad writing, yes really- "The shadows were shadow coloured". WTH and his terrible need to soothe his ego with half finished degrees from all over the country, all those unfinished MFA's and Phd's and now, one more will be started apparently coming fall. So obviously I dont care what he runs about indulging in, but it hurts to think that each time he needs an ego boost, he is taking up a precious spot at some school and taking away health insurance and other benefits that could have gone to a more deserving student. So yes, that is my Franco rant for now. Plus I hear, he is a real dick..

My first and immediate reaction to most life problems used to be and maybe still kind of is, oh if it gets thaaat bad, I guess I will just die, end the misery. I was also obviously very aware what a fucked up way of thinking that was. But not how fucked up till the other day, this crazy pyscho character, drug addict, sex addict character says it out aloud to her sister. I had a dumbfounded moment where I re read those lines again and again. I am not sure what the difference was but just the very idea that someone so so pathetic thinks like that.. stops me in my tracks. Plus, I haven't thought about this strategy in a really long time. What with the general happiness, that is my life, currently. And even brighter life moment- I think to myself " It looks like you might be balding, yes.. by forty, you could be really bald, no, no wigs for me, even the nicest ones, I will just shave it off, keep it really simple. Oh!! maybe I should do it now, see how it looks. Or not. What if I get Cancer, I will have to do it then anyways"

I dont know if you see the bright side in this? No? Its how I will definitely be fighting Cancer hard if at all and will try and be positive in general about it. No, no one is seeing that? OK.

Please check this link out meanwhile. Probably might prompt you not to do those stupid Facebook crap when October rolls around, those what color is your bra, post the color or where do you like purse to-be-sexual-innuendos.( Really!!) statuses. This right here.

Boi is making his super awesome yummy shepherd's pie and I cant smell it with the stupid cold.

Books: John Irving-The World According to Garp
Movies: Birth of a nation, Planet of the apes.
Series: My so called life ( pretty good))

Someone picked up.

DIY

Life in this country is a big do it yourself project and as part of that project, we just moved houses all BY OURSELVES. In caps, because I have never done that before. In all my life we have moved houses exactly thrice and all times people from Achan's office would come and pack everything up while we played with bubble wrap and had a lot of outside food. Also: in these rented houses every time before I left, I would go up to the terrace and in some corner write my name and a few things about me for future kids who arrive in the house to read. I also searched for such things in new houses, its one of those things, that now manifests itself when I buy old second hand books, I search for some writing, some kind of clue who the last owner was. Some kind of a kick.

Anyhow, that was a painful process, but thankfully, the new house is just a 5min drive away, so we hauled the Uhaul and loaded everything up, lugging down bed and boxes and dining table and stands and god-knows-what-other crap.
By night about ten-ish when we were done, I had literally no energy left but I wanted to do the whole boil milk thing but I didnt let it overflow? all over. There was no way I was going to clean that up and then we had  KFC- because we deserve it!

The new house has the woods next to it, so in the evenings you hear the Cicada's song- I am just calling it that, I am not sure if its indeed them. But the sound is so calming and reminds me of my native place. I am going to miss staying here with him.

As for other activities, finished Last of her kind- Sigird Nunez, in less than three days, it was so interesting. Its about the 60's America- Class, flower power and all that craziness. I am so excited to meet her!
Movies: Capt America- Not bad at all
My Blueberry nights- Pretty decent.

I will leave on Sunday. 

What the news is, is

I am back! and happy to be back, a rare and exciting feeling that was. I was leaving from Muscat so that made it little less painful, I think.

So what all happened:

I sat the Amma and Achan and had a frank discussion, frankly loud ie, where they spend the better part of the 4/5 hours yelling. We were in Tvm and I swore never to step into that hotel again since I am sure they would remember us as "that" family. :/ Anyway finally I bought up excellent points that they couldnt avoid and thus we managed to have a decent conclusion to the discussion. I emphasized the need that they dont
a) bring up past
b) do below the belt shots
c) actually try and be friends who talk things out first
d) Achan: STOP being a leader in the house and remember everyone has equal rights :/
e) stop making all of us look foolish in the whole family
f) Give away money as though we are the new world bank
g) take trips together, alone
h) LIVE in the same place for godsakes

etc,etc. The room had these curtains that hadn't been washed in years I think, so the dust allergy sprang up making my brilliant mature adult among you two kids, persona sneeze and sneeze some more till I had red watery eyes and fell sick promptly. They took care of me, together making decisions on what hospital to stop and get me one of those mask things- name I forget-so that I can breathe easy. Even with my uncomfortable-cant breathe stage it was a relief to see them behave normal after years.
And its been two months and they seem to be taking my advice well! That's a first I am sure, someone other than boi, taking me seriously!
They are even planning a trip to some place! So that was that.

The visa was painless procedure, though you know that place you first submit all your papers for someone to organize it? Where the Indians sit, yeah, there was this nasty nasty bitch there, who was like, give me the papers, I hand it over, she checks and says " where are your Masters certificate?"
I give her my transcripts and she is suddenly all rude: Naaat yuvar transcripts, your certificaaate?
Uhm, I dont have one!
What you didnt go for graduation ceremony?
No?
UGLY raised eyebrows stare back at me in that what are you good for useless coming here without it face.

SILENCE.

Do yu haave it or not.
No, but, but my transcript says passed!!
You either have it or you dont.
Fine.
You explain to the aaficer when he asks you
Ok

and then there was this crazy crazy long wait where I kept saying: daivame repeatedly till I thought that was the only word I knew in life.

The aaficer was a perfectly nice lady who asked for nothing- just my luck- who checked GRE TOEFL and I-20 and that was that.
So you are a writer, she said
I try, I said
End.

I bought myself 4 pretty saris and some kurtas and a school bag and that was my shopping.

My usual doctor visits yielded some nasty surprises, I had been so used to seeing everything normal that I didnt even see this coming. I do a lot of tests, things I dont even need to do at current age but I cant help it. I did a Pulmonary function tests, since I can barely run 2miles without dying and I have no aches anywhere and except for my breathing everything else seems fine, but the test showed healthy lungs with full capacity. Then I did a de reactive protein test, cos, I thought my cholesterol levels looked a teeny weeny high and then  that came out fine. Then I did a HIV test- non reactive it said, I wish they would use the word negative.
Then I checked my uric acid level- Fine.
Then I did a thyroid test and good I did! There was this unnatural rise in TSH and the doctor asked if I had been gaining any weight, I had been. He said to stay calm < :/ > and exercise regularly and check back in 6months, I will be needing that student insurance after all. But it scared me. He also said if it doesnt come down then he would put me on medication and these kinds- they are life long!

I have missed going to the gym, its been three months now and I am at 65! It will take some effort getting that down.  Then I went to the gyanec and she said I have mild cervical infection after my pap smear, she said not to worry, 90% of women have it at some point and gave me some tablets.

You see, a better of holidays are always spend like this.

Anyway I am going to try and lose all that weight.  Other than all this what else is happening. One of my closest friends got married! To this lovely lovely girl and I just saw the photos and everyone looked so happy and smiley faced with all that love! Super happy for him.
Ha Jin is letting me audit his class in addition to the workshops. I have been catching up on faculty works.
Yesterday Boi and I went to a recycled book store and decided we would spend 10$ each and ended up spending 30$. we leave SFO this weekend, driving down to vegas and from there back home.

That's all I got folks.

S

Sister Post

My sister is throwing one of her monumental fits of anger. She has shut herself in since morning, in fact late yesterday night and has still  not come out, it being a whole 24 hours. Me? I am pretty pissed and have called her many things to mum. It annoys me terribly at the same time that she can bring out such evilly childish feelings in my again, at this age! And I cant help yelling at amma about it, cos you know, there is nothing else to do.

Typically these bouts of mood swings are handled by me. So I am familiar with how it goes, she whines and sighs about her college and lack of a life. I try and get her to focus on the fact that "its juuust two more years" which is so hard to even explain cos each time you have to do it inno-vatively. I ask her to join something, cochin isnt that bad, like swimming- which yes she went but she didnt like any of the girls, :/  story of her life since childhood. she never likes anyone!! and  then, she likes dancing, so I say join this somewhat awesome decent salsa club and you will meet lot of kids who I am sure you can get along with- but, no.

I know all this requires some amount of effort and I dont know what else to say! And the worst part is I think she is becoming terribly self centered and insensitive rather to others. The kids in her class, sweet kids but obviously clearly not cool kids, they like her a lot. she yells at all of them :/ and yet they- her roommates put up with her and surprise her for her bdays and such. And the kind of things she says about them, I am just glad they will probably never hear it.

Anyway I dont even know what this anger is about, but I think something to do with me leaving and us not having done anything- like taken a trip. Now this is really not my fault, each weekends rolls in il text like a fool, lets do something V?
NO Echi, I am too tired, too many books, too many some crap. and then now very unfairly she accuses me of spending just one fun day outside!! Which is all her, we go out, she will get pissed about somefucking thing and not talk to us-me and mum, we also get grumpy and thus it ends. Our poor driver! I swear, turn here,no there, go home, NO WE ARE NOT GOING. He once parked on the side and didn't say anything till we sorted it!

So then today when June and M came, obviously I thought she would you know, show the courtesy of coming down! I just didn't imagine that she wouldn't, it was the oddest thing. I cannot just digest that she did not even open her door and this is after she came with me to Bangalore and we stayed at June's for some 2-3 days.
How does one behave like that! Even if any bad mood was happening I would never pull something like this. Even when I am really super angry I def consider the crowd and place.. I dont get it. I kind of blame Amma, her being so all indebted to V for doing this medicine thing as per her wish and so apparently we must not nettle her. :/ So mad!

And then I am sitting her seething, not planning to blog but then suddenly facebook shows me some update and V, is tagged in some photo and I go looking and I see her in her white coat and sthethescope in a picture with some girls, I guess she did not know it was being clicked and her face, is so sad. One of those looking far away sadly faces...It just makes me not not mad. There ends my anger.

July 20th, Wednesday

Though we are not "real" life friends, I think we have gotten pretty close. I am happy I am one of the few to know and I am super duper psyched for you and I am sure you will get there too. :) Till then if you need some cheering up, I can tell you the perks of this whole thing. I can think of some, sure I can.

Much love.
S

New Label time

So its time to have not one, but two, labels! One an MFA one and another- Boston-nian thingies. So about the MFA, first. They have been sending me stressful  emails. To begin with they said- Hallo all, we need some volunteers because when orientation starts on Sept 1st we want to plunge right in. Yes, I am all about the plunging. So they need two for that and another two for the real first class on 7th.

Now. I want to you know take the first step mainly because I want to do really well this time, unlike the MBA or  anything else I have studied so far. and two, if I dont go first then I will know what exactly happens in these things, how much they tear you apart and so on and thus I get the feeling all the writing will be in fear. Maybe its just being paranoid because eventually the rotations will bring me there. Anyway I tell A, who gets even more panicked on my behalf and says to go later but I am just looking for that opportunity to change my mind and if he is telling me the same.. Anyway I volunteer for 7th. I am almost done writing one and so far we like it. It just needs lots of re work.

Then they send me the infamous Leslie Epstein Tip sheet renovated and revamped for our benefit with a list of books that you must have read, that show that you are serious about this. :/

Brothers Karamazov
Go tell in on the mountain
Middle March
Don Quixote
and something else I forget now. I have read exactly one on this. The mail also says to brush up on Russian and in the spirit of the same I go and get Bulgakov and well, Donoghue. The mail also asks that you do not  write like Woolf and so I sort of give Voyage Out a break.

The literature courses for Fall look so interesting, one is Immigrant literature by Prof.Ha Jin and its got some of the best eleven books to read and in all likelihood I wont be taking it. Its so painful, the system. The finances and other associated things makes it impossible for me to take any courses other than workshops this fall. I wonder if they will let me sit in it without paying. Anyone? Does it work like that?

Then, as for Boston. I found the apt! Yes, I did. Its not an apt, its a room in a house and my aunt who saw it really liked it and that by itself is enough for me to take it up. The lady is an art school director and her daughter an aspiring writer. Ha.
The room has a pvt bath and everything else shared and fits in my price range. So all good. Oh and just a brisk walk to the green line, commuting is my big fear.

The visiting prof is Sigrid Nunez who I only knew of because of her Susan Sontag connection but its probably best I get updated on all faculty work. So I am about to go buy four more books. There is also some Labour Day picnic thing at this Prof.'s house that I am already dreading. With my fear of social occasions I will have to push myself out for this one. and its a Poet Prof! Maybe I should read him too, get a general idea of who he is!
Its giving me heartaches and headaches, the whole social aspect of this! I just want to sit in some cafe or my new room and write things! I no meet people. I no, no.
I will. :/

S

What is happening is..

Yes, we must categorize this so that I dont miss out on anything. Books, writing and reading.

1) Books: I always read more when I am here and buy more when I am home. Current book house guys love me, when I walk in, the dark small mouse like guy will grin showing me all his white teeth. He will sort of half follow me if I am alone, at a respectable distance and if I turn around to ask a question, there he is! 

Thus I read four books in the one month I have been here now. 

1. The Painted Veil. - W.Somerset.Maugham

My book cover is not as cool this one. And I also did not know that they made it into a movie till I was    searching for pictures. 

Kitty's transformation is the story, she is shallow and her motives to marry are as silly as they come and Walter her husband though they portray him as a bit of a boiled banana, I got the feeling he was one of those guys girls always dismiss as "my bessst friend", the one they call all hours to whine about their assehole boyfriends while these poor idiots waste time and money on these women who then proceed to wonder 'where are all the nice guys gone!!"

Towards the end though, Maugham writes in a way that makes it impossible to detest her. Despite her new found courage and values she still goes and does something despicable which was the high point for me because I genuinely believe one is not capable of immediate realizations and actions. We learn from some of the mistakes, yes but that doesn't mean we are cured of them all. The same mistake can be repeated if it comes in some other form. I dont think I have explained it well. But nevertheless my second book by Maugham and I still love him.

2) Veronica- Mary Gaitskill

This one I bought a while ago but only found time now. Its a cold hard book. Though what I sensed from it is probably different from what the general review might be. To me it was about cruelty and tolerance and how much pain can we inflict upon us time and again. 

The usual reviews speak about beauty and how brilliantly the author explores the dark spaces in peoples minds. Which is yes, true. 

The novel is about Allison's youth, her beauty and her foray into the world of fashion in the 80's. Allison's relationship with Veronica, a woman with AIDS and her ties to her family.  

3) Fine just the way it is.- Annie Proulx

I had heard of Proulx but mostly so after checking out this artists colony in Wyoming. Someone who is going to be in school with me is going there for the summer which is so awesome. Anyway so I heard how Proulx wrote Brokeback mountain while there. I am not sure how true that is but still I shall definitely apply for next summer if they dont take me for the global fellowship and send me somewhere. :/

Also I didn't know how to pronounce her last name - its simple- pru.

In an odd way Wyoming stories makes me think of my grandmothers life. The Wyoming women take care of a lot of things, home, ranch, kids, horses, cattle. Though of course my gmum didn't have horses she did have to take care of most of the rest and still be a cheerful person, perhaps why I loved the collection so much.

4) The Voyage out- Woolf

Still being read.

So far so good, she does tend to rant a bit but still my patience for her and Atwood's rants is huge.

2) My own writing:

Is actually finally kicking up. After months of a dry spell I am writing two stories at the same time. Somehow its easier this way, a bit of this and that.

one story was not in the list, I have a list of inspirations, sudden jotted down plots. This came to me one night after dinner, Mum me and my sister had gone out to Grand. The guy who holds the door there, a huge man with a funny hat/cap and those Maharaja moustaches- as I call them, long and curved up at the end knows us from frequent visits. My dad always tips him and usually I do too more so from habit.

Also I like doing the whole handshake-tip routine. :o

Though my hand in his giant hands are bit of an oddity. so anyway, he runs and opens our car door and I am rummaging in my bag for my purse when I see him sort of scratch the hair behind his cap in a where-is-the-money, the car has started you will be off in a second! Somehow it reminded me of a dog. waiting for a bone. Quite patiently but almost half scared as though if he exhibits even the slightest irritation the bone will be denied of him. 

Our driver hates us tipping anyone. :/ he pulled the car out of the lot, me still staring and wondering. Anyway the story was suddenly born there- if you could say that, combined with another thought I have been wondering about. Anyway I should be done in the next few days, but this time Id like some more opinions. If any of you all want to read it I am willing to send it your way, just send me and email.

heathcliffsgirl@gmail.com

Till then

S

Mum and I

Mum and I, work best if we have a couple of oceans between us. It’s been less than a week and we are already on not speaking twice. Though, one thing has changed, she makes up first! That phenomenon itself was so amazing I let her do it twice, but now I feel bad so il take the next one.

The fights itself are super silly but they will escalate into something else if we are a little careless. Plus I think my general tolerance has gone down much because of other problems. So I am ready to snap at any small thing. Not good.

The first fight was so unexpected and quite sad really. So the news in Kerala is quite ridiculous these days or always but now it just seems incredulous. In the paper here are some things I read :

a)      In Malapuram, I believe, a group of women complained to the police that these guys strutting about with low waist jeans, showing off their red and green underwear ( colors subject to imagination) are making them uncomfortable and that action needs to be taken!

Mum and I used to have clothes- arguments. Though I wore whatever was comfy for me always the arguments never stopped. These days she actually doesn’t care but we have still go to argue on it. So my general theory is men who say that “oh of course rapes happen because of the way she dresses” need to be slapped really hard and then other heinous things done to them. Mum says that their argument is quite right to an extent and that in really rural areas this might actually be the case. I honestly don’t think she believes that anymore but because she made this statement once she is sticking it by now, years later. Uhm.

b)      _ A father beat up his three year old kid so bad, so bad and ran away. The papers carried the little kids pictures. His back black and blue, bruised. With cuts and clotted blood..or something. These days I am also very teary eyed about any damned thing and the more I stared at the pictures the more the tears wouldn’t stop. And so I am sitting them fingering the back of the little boy and stupidly I say “ Maybe If this kid didn’t have a mum maybe we could have done something”

Mum immediately pounces on me, like what? Money stuff?, we still can, she says.

I fumble around because that’s not what I meant and she knows it. Adoption is a much gnawed bone with her and she wont let me just let this go. She goes on to say how the kid is cute and sad now, yes, but later the dads genes will show up and what are you going to do then.

I don’t know what I am going to do then. It was just a thought so I had no answers.

This was just a momentary thought and I wouldn’t have acted on it but she makes more lines that make me sound like an irresponsible adult who makes bad decisions for her family. Which you know, I AM NOT.

Then she asks me what would happen if I have one of each, one mine and one not. :/ and mine kicks mine-not really hard. What would I do then! I would do exactly what I would if both were “my blood” which btw reminds me, I get a very hair standing up feeling when people say the word blood to me.. it just seems wrong. Don’t say blood. Like thaaat.

Anyway I say that’s what I would do and she says, well that’s all you, if I see something like that I would give a nice beating to the mine-not kid. I am stupefied. The reason I make these arguments and issues with her is because I think she is genuinely capable of thinking otherwise. I am not saying I want to change her, I don’t, I only want her to appraise any situation with an open mind and not go there with pre determined opinions. Go there, stay there, meet people, kids whatever and then decide for yourself is what I always say.

Another reason is I have heard mum actively defend gay rights so this adoption thing is quite amazing for me. Her vehemence. My last point always bores well. I always tell her how it’s sad that a little kid somewhere with all this love inside her and with no one to give to, I tell her how, I sort of understand what that feels like. Then she looks just sad and guilty and il wish I hadn’t said it so this time I didn’t. I just let her be. We will take it one step at a time, I say in my head.

These are the main arguments. Chinthi arguments are quite stupid and silly. For eg. The servant lady is relatively new. Every morning all the dust and allergy makes me sneeze and I sit moping with red eyes for a bit. All the sneezing my brains out gives me this horrid headache early morning and I can’t move for a while. So I have glasses and glasses of hot water and then vitamin c and then become less grumpy. So today I say- no no no chai for me, just  hot water and I wait and I wait. Servant lady is gone off somewhere. And I wait, and no water.

So I go into the kitchen and instead of just doing it myself with dignity :/ I bang the pot around for a bit making my irritation well heard. :/

She is looking at me in wonder. I bang the glass too. Steel glass, yes. And then I am waiting for it to boil because she has not repaired the microwave about which I grumble and she says “oh this water, I thought you meant water to have a bath”

Apparently heater is not working too ;so she is generously boiling a big chembu of water on the stove :/

I wonder if she is paying any attention then, I mean she is yelling at me about homeo and ayurveda for the sneezing but she doesn’t see me drink the damn water every day!

And so goes on our days. Its humid and humid. My i-20 is still “processing”- Asseholes. The fucking apt is gone. No universe for me, MK. I told you.

The allergy’s are sort of getting better but still painful. I am happy to be here, yes really. But I am already ready to head back. This has never happened for me. This wanting to leave here! Quite the odd feeling. The food has its charm still but I already feel like I have a double chin and if I lower my head a bit more I have triple chins- sister says if you lower it that much everyone will have triple chins. She has a point. 

I miss the boi here and there. Mostly when the chechi makes yummy food. So far I have had beef fry and chicken stew and idiappam and karimeen fry. Doughnuts from Annes, courtesy P.

I went out with the girls one night to this new or quite new lounge in cochin. The dry martini  was really not dry and old men with balding heads lounged in the lounge. :/  the guy poured lots of water in P’s rum and M, had a terrible looking cocktail that tasted like mouth wash which she then abandoned.

I know I am only whining but there is nothing to be happy about. This week I am to confront greebro also. Which is already giving me a headache. Though I write very confidently and happily about things that are just wrong, saying it to someone gives me the you know…dad is also trying his level best to make sure I don’t but if I don’t do this now I will have no peace of mind when I go back.

But despite all this it’s good to see her. She looks happy when I am around, or say my sister says. She looks happy with my little gifts and makes her funny comic faces if I ask more than twice. ;o

More on everything in a bit. Its three here and I just finished watching this fun Malayalam movie and tomorrow I have got to re pierce my nose- long story that. So later!

Leaving boi at home

Leaving boi alone here seems such a tedious task. What a wrong word to use, I make him sound like a problem which he absolutely is not. Boi happens to be very self sufficient and more or less happy on his own. But in this one year of living together I think boi has been spoiled. A bit. He will spring back to the alone life quickly and adjust but yet the thought of him coming home to an empty house is more hurtful to me than maybe its to him.

Getting attached to someone, the open your soul attached has been not easy at all. Its been a slow, tentative process. You know sort of testing the waters. First I introduced the boi to the nice-normal me so that he wont immediately bolt, then when he was comfy I showed him some maniacal moods but I guess I explained them too when I was over it. Then I told boi of all the creepy exe's and horrid situations I had gotten myself into.

Everything including trusting him has been a long process and boi's responses though sometimes hurt me, long back, I realise those were just instantaneous reactions. They were never meant to hurt, really, he was just stumbling around processing it maybe. Boi's only rule about anger was that I dont hit or smash anything which I can do. Cos my way of dealing with anger is more of silence and coldness and other irrational behavior. I think I do most damage with words. But somehow over years we have learned to not  hit each other where it hurts most.

The naively trusting me, there used to be one of those, who literally used to say- look here is my heart,why dont you come and do a nice merry dance over it, oh, no thats ok, feel free to smash it. I will bounce back.

That idiot me is long gone but its scary to realize how easily I can be that person again. If I hadn't gotten married at 24 like I did, I might not have for a long while. Or this man hadn't happened I might still have been that cynical person who was content to be told by strangers who barely knew or understood her that they loved her.

Leaving boi behind is hard. Maybe just this first time. On a lighter note, I am making him around 7 curries so that he doesnt have to do anything for  a week or more. Like I mentioned he is perfectly capable of feeding himself but some kind of weird guilt is making me go into crazy cook HG mode. Or maybe I do really believe that food makes everything better.

More room mate looking stories

So I am looking for places to stay come September. This actually poses two kinds of problems.

1. People advt for room mates are all looking for people to move in June- July. I dont see that happening.
mainly cos I doubt I will be back with my visa by then, so the option is to you know pay for Aug and July without actually staying there which is stupid not to mention expensive. but also ultimately might have to be done cos by August most places would be taken.

I forgot the second problem. :/ yes ok, so the very issue of room mates. So in the beginning I was actively pursuing wonly Indian Room mates. I am not sure why I was doing that. I think something to do with the food. but then most ads said " wanted female room mate. only vegetarian"

so after a while I quit that and went to craigslist. where I spend hours just going through photos and weird ads and so on and on... and on. I found nothing. Really.I send out a couple of mails and no one responded. Then there were some weird ads. One person says for the low rent you can have the basement with bathroom and kitchennette but instead you got to run their grocery and other errands :/ AND pick up their son from his friends houses! uhm
Another lady mails saying in one room three girls, so 6 girls and one girl in the living room, instantly a messed up horribly smelling bathroom came to mind and I had to decline. Though my stds are low I must draw the line somewhere. I was tempted with the basement, I can pick up the 14 year old kid..from friends places..I think. Snoop says, what if he makes you wait for hours and hours.. That sort of stumped me. Unnecessary situations could develop.

Then finally I remembered BU's own site where there must be ads, more searching and finally I found the perfect place. Its about ten minutes from where I need to go and there is a green line and the room is small but enough to fit a large bed, a writing desk and maybe all my books! The two other girls seem very nice, a Russian and a Brazilian, They have a cat, but well. I can get used to a cat. The closeness is what is pulling me. Earlier I was considering living in East Boston for the cheaper rent but then the bitter winter will then arrive and make me commute slushing through dirty snow, getting off and taking another bus and then walking more. Who am I kidding? That cannot be me.

And for a few more hundreds  :( I can stay closer to classes means I will take that up anyday. The problem is I wont be seeing the place till I am back from India but my aunty is going to go check it out, her stds are a little higher than mine but thats ok and she will give them whatever deposit they need. The only problem is the girl who is moving out is off to stay with her bf and I am worried in the next two months she will change her m ind and I will sit here thinking yay, I have found the place and then when she does change her mind, the hunt will begin all over again. I am not sure what kind of legal thing I can get from them before I move in. I dont think there is anything like that.

But I really want this place!
I am kind of dreading room mates. After living with boi you know to start this all over again, plus the memories of the zombie are still fresh in mind. Have I not told you of zombie aka crybaby? Must be in my old old blog.

Zombie was my roommate for a whole year. she was either zombie or crybaby. Any kind of tough assignment comes our way- stay up till 2 in morning doing it or presentation coming up or I dont know pretty much anything comes up and she would cry! And I wouldnt know what to do. Initially I would go sit with her and hope she wouldnt touch me. Yes, I dont like touching people when they are crying, and she would collapse on to my shoulders, tears all over my tee! It was disgusting! Then one day the crying was so much I had to hug her. We were in my bed and she actually climbed in. She is very small about 5ft. climbed in, pulled the sheets up and just settled....there sniffling. For what seemed like eternity.

More horrid things- she hated eating in public. so she would get her food to the room, pav bhaji and eggs and noodles. and then leave the plates lying around amidst all the clothes heap and all kinds of CRAP. Many times I would clean both our parts hoping it would sway her, but she would just lie in bed and say  my name in a weird cooochie - for lack of better word way and smile up lazily. How I wanted to just kick her out of there! how how. :(

Then I stopped cleaning her part, so there would my side, clean with desk wiped and clothes all hung up in the closet, books neatly arranged and her part.... It used to make me so angry like gnash teeth in anger. she would stay up till 2 and 3 chatting and I would be so dead, half asleep but lights and me dont go together. I would wait not patiently but neverthless till like one- which seemed a reasonable hour to ask to switch lights off and she would say - arrey I am doing some assignment! As if! Lying bitchslutwhore. :/
she had two  boyfriends, one Gujrati and one Maharashtrian. so chatting and phone would proceed till early morning, each bf attempting to teach her their language. can you imagine at two- giggles and khem che chu whatever! Most painful.

Then a whole lot of other disgusting situations I wont go into and finally we completely stopped speaking, thank god. I was spending more and more time outside the room. so you see I am a little skeptical. but then here I will have my own room and these girls said they have rotational cleaning. which gives me hope.

You all can send some good wishes my way so that I get this place. wokay?

In other news. Going to India on Saturday. Sister has something called Paratyphoid. But is getting better. Boi likes his job. San Fran is not sunny as promised. All this tax and such promises, the sunny weather crap is all bullshit. Well atleast this year.Though I love this weather, so I am not sure why I said that. Its cloudy and breezey which is good.

Tada for now.

Not thaaat important

Just venting. I dislike the housemate's girlfriend. she annoys me. She hasnt done anything concretely horrid. I am just a horrible person who dislikes people for no reason but has it happened to any of you that someone just manages to piss you off for no reason? just their general existence. or in this case,

1. She doesnt live here but she IS ALWAYS here.

2. You have got to pay extra if its two people per room but I bet she is not.

3. We share the bathroom with her bf. who is messy. considerate but messy. and now her too!

4. When I see her body wash sit very innocently in the area previously occupied by my conditioner I want to smash it in a bout of unreasonable anger.

5. She has been in the loo twice when I wanted in. :/

6. she is always ALWAYS eating and messes up the one part of sink which is mine. The other part of the sink is completely filled with old unwashed buuuuaaah dishes. and now she wants this!

7. she has an icky smile. That stretches her mouth and eyes. Unnaturally.

she must not live here.  Must Must not.

:(
The rest of the housemates are ok. The bf is ok, he smiles very sweetly each time we pass each other which is ok, fine but I am not that smiley faced persona, think my blog picture head! The other big guy with long hair will bore you with stupid conversation if you even so much as say a hi. The Indian Tamilian guy is just...weird hair. The last boi is pretty :) with pretty hair and perfectly ironed crisp white shirts. A bit like Morrison from glee. He can walk around if he wishes. I will allow it. :/

s

Thoughts on kids and related activities

So I was reading this post on a blog, one which I really like but then I do not quite agree with the sentiment expressed. It really could be true but it seemed a bit of a stereotyping and that being something I try avoiding- with a lot of effort btw.

So the thing was why people are so adamant about having kids. or why every other tom and dick and jane is interested in how long have you been married and visheshm ille? - no news yet. :/

To be honest only my servant lady has asked me this so far. I think mainly because I am a bit of a sour puss in the family circles, one who does not allow unnecessary questions to be asked to her. My friend keeps asking me, how do you do it, sounding very vexed. Its easy, at least for me. I dont ask anything about them- esp to these nosey aunties- Nothing at all. Despite this some will still steer the conversation that way, I just immediately announce before anyone starts that I intend on studying. YES, MORE. 

In fact they are more interested in saying things like: what are job prospects in amergias after what I am going to do? Its really reaaly not your business. I might have answered you if you were asking so that your own kid could do it or something but no, I know what you will tell your kids when you are heading back. Anyway. how did it get here?

So only servant lady. My mum in fact is very against me having kids till I am holding down a job and "settled" :) I think its years of hearing from everywhere- "if only you had a job you family would have been better off lines"

I dont think she is very happy with this MFA situation esp cos I will have to tell her I will come out of it as unemployable as before. That will be one painful conversation. My dad will mention once in a while the importance of kids and how it would sort of nice if I could produce a boy baby. He is totally looking forward to being a granddad, preferably a boy baby. Only if you can- as he half jokes. To my questions of how exactly am I to accomplish this feat he has no answers. In fact he says: if you really want it, it will be a boi. But I really reallie dont have such choices, dad. :/

Now the thing is I want to please these two, yes, sure. Just on my terms. I was actually ok with having a kid last year, despite our situation.

One phd student- father, one applying to colleges- mother. excellent combination for a kid to come into. Then I sort of felt it wasnt really fair to the kid. I mean as a baby of course it wont want anything as in wont demand anything- it better not :/  but then it will shoot up so fast and soon will be wanting this and that and what if we are not done with studying and we are still broke.

I know how it feels to want small little things but to learn to not ask for it. and then teach your sister also to not ask for it. Its quite sad really. Thus all baby plans postponed. My amma doesnt mind, my acha periodically minds, my mum in law doesnt mind! no one minds, except the servant lady. 

Yes its probably because its been only about two years.Maybe after MFA they will all collectively start their chants but the thing is they wont have to. I myself want me two little girls. yes, I do. This Psychic also told me I will. she said she saw two little girls with curly black hair. I was sold at the hair part! I have curly black hair! aha
Also that I am a fool who will will believe when I hear things I want to hear.

Ideally I would have three kids but realistically I will not. I was having this conversation with my friend and I told her how I would rather adopt one of these kids. she said she too doesnt want to have babies for a while now but she is older than me by a few years so the pressure is much more on her. so I said in all my wisdom that is ok, if you want to postpone go ahead and then since you are not a fan of giving birth-is- a -mother's- right- movement then you could just adopt. 

she said oh, no, I mean I dont want to do that, we are not really that rebellious and I dont have that much goodwill or anything in me..

which set me thinking. The reason I want to adopt a kid is as much for my sanity as the kids. Its not a favor I am providing! I mean I dont want to do the birth situation twice and I do want the girls to be say a couple of years apart which means 2 out 4 years I am walking around pregnant. NO, I dont think so! 

Earlier my dad and I used to sponsor a little kid and then I lost my job. Yeah well. This kid was damn cute, they used to send us pictures of him. Kannan. I didnt care for the name though but he was motu and with big eyes. My dad was a sucker for his pictures. But even then I wasnt quite sold. I like little boys but boi and I are sort of leaning towards our picture perfect two girls in chaddis running around a beach with a dog photo. The chaddi part is just me btw. :/

So anyway what I am trying to say is the reason we wanted to have kids is not cos we dont have anything else to discuss. Our baby discussions mostly happen after we run into someone with babies.Otherwise we are perfectly happy to talk about other things.  In fact one of the common reasons I am seeing is general boredom of sitting at home after coming to this country. Blame the visa guys for the baby increase. Well at least the people I know are happy together folks, they do things together and apart and they want a kid cos they WANT that kid. I am open though to the idea that there must be people doing it so that they can focus everything on that poor kid.

Boi's uncle who lives here has this amazing family, two beautiful little girls, dog and everything. I am like a little jealous of them. teeny weeny little. They are actually such decent kids, they have been given just the right doses of everything. and I am very impressed with their Malayalam. Yes its very important. :/ 

I want me the picture. 

About everything that's going on RIGHT NOW

I get along so much better with boi's uncle's and aunt's than mine. Somebody once said that in every family there will be this one/ at least one pain in the ass-greedy-extremely manipulative fucker. My family, both sides seem to be amply blessed, maybe we have a couple of extra quotas too. Earlier we only had to deal with the greedy grandmother will all her sly demands of my father. once upon a time, we were very poor and my dad still feels guilty about not having kept his mother in all the glory that she deserves.  not. :/

Anyway so now he seems to be making it up and more and more. one of the primary reasons my parents dont get along is this piece of crap hanging around. It was very very nasty to my mum in those days, making her cry and saying these horrid things to her. I used to stand around watching this scared to say anything back cos evil thing used to be all powerful in those days.

My mum happens to be one of those people who has gotten stronger with time. she has also cultivated a very obscene mouth. Mum was brought up by this gentle soul, the kind of woman who wouldnt say anything back even if you crossed her, over and over. Mum never knew passive aggressiveness or giving back just the way you get it... well, you should see her now.

Of course I am glad. Really really glad, once must stick up for themselves ultimately right? The only problem is my dad is now all willing to forget old tragedies and start out again and...she is not.  she has a point, I cant help seeing her point. she has lost more than anyone over the past 26 years. There is no reason she should be forgiving now. I think she wants to but she cant quite do it..

It would help if the greedy grandmother hadnt given birth to so many useless kids and now my dad is expected to support all these idiots. well, to be fair just one. This one useless brother. clingy, whiney, complaining. His latest argument is " All of you brothers went off abroad and did well. I didnt. I hung around here looking after out parents so now I expect to be paid back"

This angered me more than anything he has said so far. So much that I have been yelling at my dad, wondering how he cant see the flawed logic.

cos.
1. He is utterly use-fucking-less. He started a number of things only to fail miserably, all funded of course by my generous father.

2. who the fuck says this! Its like me saying, Hey, V, look I am bringing our parents to the U.S and looking after them, why dont you give me some money now for this. I mean you are a doctor, you must have lots lying around.

3. This looking after that he did, was basically taking an auto and coming to the ancestral house and having a second lunch and going to sleep. :/ yes, if one of them fell sick he would  drag them them to the hospital after much whining about his "busy schedule" and then ask for exorbitant amounts for a few lab tests.

what a joke. seriously. what.a.fucking.joke.

Now his older daughter is to be married, she is in her final year btech or something, barely 21. I will give you three guesses why they are getting her married off so early. I bet you will never guess.

Cos the evil thing from space wants to see one more wedding of her grandchild before she dies.

Anyone? anything? yeah ok

Now my mum is willing to overlook this extra louw for the mother, part. she really is but then my dad is expected to conduct this wedding. The old evil thing with all that teeth hanging out has divided her property- a piece of dry,stupid land amongst her kids. Its on top of a fuckin hill and its not going to be sold forever.

Now the evil brother knows this. but still he wants to sell it but the evil thing from space doesnt want a foreign feet to step on this land. can you believe this? can you believe this!!! so she wants my dad to buy it. and the brother wants some fuck all price for it.

Obviously mum is going to be mad. hopping mad. Me too, folks. Me too.

My dads arguments are

1. she probably wont survive one more year. Not true, he has been saying this for ten years. She will outlive me and my kids.

2. I want to see what happens if someone else buys this fucking land.
    if a "kafir" steps on it. I mean who says that anymore.GOD.

3. The old piece of crap has been getting her way for too long.

I had to interfere and stop him. They all know its me and probably hate me, I couldnt care less. I kinda get the feeling my parents will not last this one out if he does go ahead and do it. So after much emailing and arguing ( ugh) finally we have all agreed that dad will give them that big chunk of cash and we get a promisory note saying greedy brother- lets call him- greebro,  will sell this before so and so date and give it to us back. what all I had to say. what all.


And in between this, I was unfriending people on FB? It showed some 300 people, I dont know 300 people. So I was doing that and I took off greebro's kids. :/ It wasnt a malicious act or anything, I mean I like the kid. Its a sweet kid. I just didnt feel comfy having them all look at my drunken pics or something and commenting in their hush shussh what has come over her-amerigas has spoiled her-type lines. AS IF.

So this is the new issue. The daughter cried. Greebro called my dad and said what did greebro kid do to me etc etc. I felt a lil guilty. so I lied. :/ said I deactivated my account and told dad strictly not to make this about some stupid FB shit.

Will have to see greebro this June. :/ UGH.

That useless feeling

May 25th, Wednesday.

I love living here for many reasons which I wont go into now. but how useless I feel is when someone back home passes away. Its the dreaded phone call and the silence and the not knowing what to tell them. Then the tears and then eventually you calm down. The memories are then slow creepers but they are mostly happy memories punctured in between with thought of a return- to a house empty of the person. One does not get used to that quickly because one has not been there. And so its possible then that when you walk into that, more or less the same house, you expect them. To walk out from the bathroom, eyes straining with age and ailments. Light shining in those old droopy eyes, perking up at the sight of your face. One waits for them on the verandha to bring out hot milk and coax you into drinking it despite your protests.

What else is there to do, Except wait endlessly. Some of these deaths never leave you, their kind are the devastating kind. They come with the what if's and only if and if only and pangs of terrible doubt and guilt. Things that never leave you. These deaths also called suicides, they never let you forget. The person in question, their lives and motives analysed forever and ever while you shed your tears into tired pillows.

what good are these tears- you constantly ask. What good are you, you who never helped in any way. what good are any of you and then once you calm down you need to go back to the art of living and shamelessly, almost deviously, you attempt to negotiate with yourself.

what could you have done. you were young, You had no money, your parents had no money.

That small nagging feeling does not help, it tells you clearly, shouts at you that there is something. Where can you hide knowing you can never tell anyone. You can never blog about it and let the readers purge you from your shame. Even if its anonymously you have confessed and all you need to do is wait it out. It never ends till perhaps you are dead too, with you till your fire you carry these burdens,this perhaps is a befitting punishment. Though there must be more, you tell yourself. There has to be more ways to punish yourself.

There are stars. Many many stars who you believe are the people who left early. There is a little kid there, a grandmother and some others who you perhaps didnt know too well. but they are all there. When you escape an accident unscathed or you are saved from something by just a second you look up and say your silent thanks, for looking out for me.  Do you deserve it? No, you know, you dont. And yet you act like you do. Let the tears never end. Let every tear remind you.


A's granduncle, passed away tonight. He led a full and mostly happy life. He is that one point for all of them, my mother-in-law, amma having lost her parents early. I wish I was back home with her, there isnt much I can do but just be there for her and hold her. These are times when all the charms on offer seem not worth. it. It is after all only a small short life we live. where is time for everything. one must regret, live and wait for death. There is never enough time. 

First Impressions

Been a while, folks.

Last day in Btown < as in the day before last day> was spent or is it spend? These grammar issues. I feel stupid. I am sure its spent cos spend is spend money on summer dress right? Someone correct me. So last day in Btown was spend hammered on absinthe and tequila shots at R's place. Till about midnight. The absinthe smuggled from Spain did little to get me sloshed but the accompanying whiskey shot and then a tequila shot did it. I was soon dancing to tamil songs much to the amusement of the guys. R is snoops closest friend in btown and generally I guess. I do like him. He is pretty genuine and no hang up's except for his inappropriate jokes which I have gotten used to with time. Nothing too annoying or I might have had to tell him off which would have been very uncomfortable. I have very little patience for people who cross the lines or do not see the damn line. I am sure I am very clear about the lines.

Anyway R is also moving since he is also almost winding up his Phd and Snoop is sort of sad. So we decided to see lots of R before he was gone and when I am back in Aug I would miss him too thus the grand finale. By midnight we were all sloshed enough to get to the strip club. R had been talking the strip club here for a while and for snoop's 30th bday we never made it cos I think it got too late. So we finally got there. I was drunk enough for it and I dont really mind the idea. I think I am very...-fascinated with naked women! :/ Even for erotica I prefer regular girl on girl action. Ah anyway.More on that later.

So R and snoop and the other two guys- nice guys- obviously have been here before. As in the strip club in general and it was my first time. So R was happy enough to get me the girls. He put some dollar bills in my hand and off we went checking girls out. The girls were only naked upwards. Which was honestly a relief. I dont think I could have handled being too close to a completely naked gyrating woman.

So a couple of women rubbed my face between their boobs. Thats about it. I declined from a lap dance. Maybe another time. R's wife is a fun woman who has got her brains and senses about her. He tells me what a turn on its for her to buy him lap dances and watch them. I was amused cos I havent really spend much time with her but this image he provided me with just wouldnt go since then. :/

After that I was so tired I just wanted to curl up in my warm bed and yes, wash my face first. The boi's were still up and about though Snoop said later that he too was just dying to be in bed. We came back to our place and I crashed immediately while they went about smoking up. I had had enough. and next morning we had so much stuff to do but we didnt wake up for ever. For EVER. and finally ran about doing things last minute. Obviously there is a price to pay.

The drive itself was three days and the first two days were normal and fun actually. Not too tiring. By about 7 we would reach the hotel and shower and google for local Indian places cos the thought of having onemore  burger was just .not considerable. So first day in Nebraska we found a place called Tandoor and we had some chicken in coconut sauce and rice and I asked the guy if the orange was actually an orange or a Musambi. He said "orange only like orange in color, you know vitamin c and all". Snoop was very amused. :/

The second day we drove through Iowa and I kept thinking of Dey House- The Iowa writers workshop and Sam Chang who had  so politely declined me and I texted Snoop's aunty who I am close to saying-"In Iowa the place that didnt want me" and she said "Good! Have you seen the place?The corn and the farms,You belong in Boston"

Trust her to say the right things. Anyway, after Iowa there was acres and acres of wyoming farm land and lonely stretches of road, just me and the boi and the car. Chuggging along. Third day we crossed into Nevada and the trouble began. One does not expect snow in the desert. Anyway we have learned our lesson.At some point in our shifts I took over, we were doing three hour and two hours resp and the fog+rain+ hail began and soon it was impossible to see. I hate driving in just rain and then this!

There was no point stopping cos for one I couldnt see any exits for a while and two boi was stressed from his own shift. This idiot assehole took the left lane and sped by in the friggin fog to my annoyance spraying things in his wake and I couldnt see anything for like 2mins and I had to sudden brake with panic attacks of skidding. I abused him and his whole family for a while. and later on much later on we saw that the patrol had pulled him over. HAHA. These days punishments are quick. There is a malayalam saying " Varambathu thanne kooli" There you go.

The area near Lake Taho was the worst. The traffic was slowed down and we were just crawling. Snoop started worrying about snow chains and how we didnt have any warm clothes to get out and fix the chains but thankfully they didnt make us. After a delay of almost four hours where I didnt whine even once :) we made it to Sacramento. After which I whined about my need to pee till he stopped.

We arrived at our hotel so drained. so so drained. Repeating for emphasis. Santa Clara is filled with Indians. You look anywhere-they are there. And filled with Indian Restaurants. Tons and tons. We were happy. We picked on out- Mayuri and we were headed there when we saw another one- Peacock- whats with the bird obsession! The latter was filled! and we contd to Mayuri which was empty.

We should have left then but stupidly we stayed and I ordered a chicken fry. The waitress reminded me of Bharti from college. Unnecessary  enthusiasm. and her apron thing was smeared with curry stains and I saw her cough into the chutney dabbas as she brought the Papadams! :/ Snoop said she was the only good thing in the place. I am inclined to agree. After writing this post I am going to go write a lovely review for Mayuri asseholes who charged me crazy money for crappy food. You know some things are just unforgivable, like displaying Fry in the menu and then bringing me curry and then trying to convince me that this could be a fry.

There were a couple of Indian guys behind us. Before we ordered we could hear them say things in Hindi. They then demanded to call the manager. I dislike such people. Usually. The ones who demand the manager's arrival to tell him what exactly the problem is. Anyway after we paid I am willing to think they were right. I should have given him a earful. Wait for your review, jerks.

The other peacock place is awesome. The lunch buffet has the perfect Biriyani and its reasonably priced. We are amazed at the - Indianess- if I may. There were a couple of people sitting next to us talking loudly about some of their friends and how " both the husband and wife would smoke and drink" and then the girls cribbed about their In-laws!
Amazing right? I mean some things never change. These random Mother in law cribbers annoy me. Of course I can afford to be annoyed cos I get along with mine but I find it very distasteful how even if you dont get along with yours, dont run about telling every tom and dick this. At least not to someone you just met!

Anyhow. We just found a place to live. Its a room in a house in a beautiful house that too. Furnished so we dont have to run around looking to rent bed and things. A large lovely kitchen and three other guys. We have to share the loo which isnt something I am too happy about but what the hell. I am just going to have fun till I am here.

Snoop seems to feel very horrid about putting me up in this place with a shared guys bathroom et and all. I keep telling him to look at the bright sides, the room and the rose bushes outside and the lovely street. He seems to want to buy me things for my sacrifice. :o I think I will put those feelings to good use. :)

What else. G, my friend from Symbi lives a mile away. So we went out with her and her husband to dinner and It was just like old times. she is the same. I am the same. I am probably going to be seeing lots of her if her school time permits. I realized I did miss her. she was my closest friend there and for two years we were together all the time, except when we had our fights. :/

Yesterday we went down to San fran and ate at Fisherman's wharf. I expected much in fishy terms, all kinds of fish but I found only regular catfish fried to a crispy golden- snoop's favorite and mine, not. Crabs yes. I told myself to eat mussels but I finally forgot. Walked around a bit and went to Ghirardelli and Boi had a big sundae with creamy caramel while I ate small spoons of it. Boi loves ice cream and dislikes chocolates. I like the opposite so there wont be any- you got more of the share problems. :/

We then lay down on the grass and got cold. My nose is a little sun burned cos stupidly I forgot about sun block and thought how more burned can my brown skin get. Apparently lots.

That is pretty much it for now. More after I have wandered the streets of vegas. soonly.