Species

There are these terrible people in my class who are my friends. They aren't always so bad except they are.
Okay, so you see, there are these two women in their mid forties. Let's call them SY and MM
SY is mostly all right, has strange tendencies to sort of order you around and if you are like me; who can't exactly stand up and make a point then well you will be reduced to silent mumbles and teeth gnashing. The thing is SY means well mostly, so you got to give credit with that. Except she thinks she has lived THE LIFE and so now all the wisdom she has acquired must be put to good use. So hereby you too should live by the rules she has learned.

MM on the other hand is truly terrible. Like a classic study of self-involvement to the extremes and extremely vociferous if criticized and completely shut out from the world of awareness. I am yet to meet someone worse than her in the awareness department. The undergrad kids in my summer classes pass notes about her literally under her nose and snigger and laugh --they are undergrads!!--- and she won't see it. She can just not shut up! In the class if the Prof. asks a question her hand just bounces and bounces and her voice has this drawl? OHMYFUCKINGOD. Make your god damn point and shut the fuck up. Then she does this thing where instead of sitting in the circle she sits next to the Prof. and pretty much behaves like she is running the class. The Prof. : a wonderful human being bears it in good humor.
Once we were to go to a reading given by one of our writing profs. and I said: Hey you want to go? and she said: No, why should I? He didn't come to mine.

:/ ://

Anyhow.

There is a slightly overweight girl in the class who likes wearing low cut tops and short shorts and a lot of fat kind of bulges over and while I think she has a pretty face, it's hard not to look when her boobs are spilling out and I am very interested in her purple sequined bra!!

So it was with much surprise that I ran into MM and SY bitchin like a pair of old crones during break. I couldn't believe that at their age they were actually being all high schooly over THIS. And then all the terrible fat girl in revealing clothes criticism was rounded off by SY with: Oh god, I am such a prude, I am OLD.
This was clearly said in: Hey, S, tell me I am not an old prude, tone. But I couldn't bring myself to disagree. LIKE HELL YOU ARE NOT. So I just smiled and left and hated myself for not speaking up.

I dont understand this kind of censorship. Isn't it enough that society and able bodied males are telling us what to wear without women adding to it?

I was also quite horrified at this discussion of  being fat. Now it's really not like this girl is obese, she is maybe about 180-190 pounds which is definitely heavy. and I will admit sometimes I do find myself looking away in a bus or train when a morbidly obese person has to be wheeled in or out or something. Or like on my regular bus, I have a regular seat :/ because OCD, and so this guy gets in at a stop before and sometimes he takes my seat and I get upset at how he took my seat because it's the first seat and its easier for him, but then I try to catch myself before I think this!

 Because one) ITS NOT MY BUSINESS and 2) it must be so hard being him. or any one who is fat and has to face the world every day and be the target of looks and look aways and comments and all this equating of being fat to being lazy or dumb which btw a lot of people do here.

Anyway. I sometimes hate these two. I can't believe you want to be a writer and lack such obvious empathy for someone.

So I thought maybe younger people might think differently but no. Here is ED who is younger than me. Her bf has a kid from his marriage and the child has been diagnosed with some kind of special need and is in a private school where they use a lot of creative means to teach and ED tells me: you know, I think she should just go to a public school and just be like forced to learn. What is all this drawing flowers and singing songs bullshit. I went to a public school and I turned out fine.

Clealry, ED, clearly you did.

I don't even---
Anyway. These are the people who are learning to be writers with me. Isn't this amazing?Dont you just want to read the books these folks will write?

Working Alone

Now that all that workshop craziness is over, I AM ALL ON MY OWN. It's almost like a withdrawal symptom, although I don't know what that would be like, but let me just make the analogy. So now after finishing a chapter, all I can think is: Who must I somehow coax into reading this. It's so strange this dependence and I try telling myself- look at all the people who DID finish their novels before MFA programs were invented. It isn't enough to tell this once, but I have to repeatedly force myself into thinking this.

So I make A and P read. The only problem with this is, while I am indifferent/ open to criticism from classmates and the likes, anytime these two say anything less than--That's good-- I get all worked up. :/ Obviously I shouldn't, BUT I DO.

Also everyone I know is writing a novel. Why wouldn't they? I recently read this article--http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/amims/2012/07/et-tu-nemesis/
I forgot how to make the link a single word magic thing. So anyway I have a lot of feelings about this both pro and cons but am I glad that I never got this far. As in any problem I have is all within me and about me, and never projected on any person or outward issues.

Anyway as of now I have 50 pages! And I just keep editing these 50, refusing to move forward. because most times I am like --What the hell is wrong with these characters.

Okay then.

P

My buddy, my second sister, home girl, PJmohan is to embark to murica! Where she will live close enough for visits and to play well-loved aunt to my kids and to be in the same fucking time zone.

I will now pat myself on the back for having talked her into this. This is the best decision I have made in 2011.

Before I forget

Odd situation. My friend who was fairly sensible to me but creepy to many says she is having an affair. She literally died to marry this guy, who she says knows what's going on.
I dont believe her.

I definitely dont want to believe her.

July 20th, Wednesday

Though we are not "real" life friends, I think we have gotten pretty close. I am happy I am one of the few to know and I am super duper psyched for you and I am sure you will get there too. :) Till then if you need some cheering up, I can tell you the perks of this whole thing. I can think of some, sure I can.

Much love.
S

hi

hi
june sys i shud eitee tisy umm stipys blog pts i mean blog pontst. posts. i wnt rrase so dt i no how foolsi i am.
oh no
lme tru again tuopsy
ufff tipsy ah yes
smiley facr :9 :( es yes :)
i manaed. mabaged. aaaah manaed aaaaah managed,. yes. uh
jnue says unc pai poassed awya. shikari sjambu. letme try rememebering kalia daklin no dakini ammoma no that wass meting else.
 oh this ia tioug, ugfff,. tough,. ie. my god. ts three mornign. solleeep. now. girl.
bye

Just a pot of happiness

Is super happy for the kid who gave her such good news today.

Just to remember the day.

To the kid and his girl.

Much much love

s

P

I have missed you. I really have. I know sometimes i am not really available,i also think i have spoiled you with much louw and affections over the years so now you  get very antsy  :p
but this is just to say that the coming months are going to be really hard on me because of a zillion things and i want you to know that i might be a little distracted and nervous and easily miffed. But if at all you need me i will most definitely be there just like all the other times (i hope) and just like you have been there for the past six, seven ish years. I love you much much and not just like a friend more like my sister.
Also i am sorry about that quite horrid bit i said earlier. Terribly.

muuuuaah

s

Baby Boi

Mari has had a baby. The first baby in the coven family, and its a boy. I need to find the exact date and time but the minute i texted her i got back this "Im in lot of pain, milk pain, baby pain, cesarean pain and i want to kill the husband and my mother"
My excited "I am an aunty" would definitely not be appreciated then so i stuck to getting, p, the other aunty online and getting as much details as i could out of her.

I was pretty sure it would be a boy, but i had hoped she would have a girl. Mari seems like a lady who would have a girl and i, i feel i will have a boy. Though P has assured me that wont be the case. Read THIS for more info on the same :/

Somethings are best said..out aloud

My house when i was a kid or growing up, was not quite the bright shiny place you would want to rush back from school to. It was the kinda place where fights were laced with heavy alcoholic stupors and when crying became so normal that everyone thought it weird when impassiveness set in. Where lights wouldn't be switched on sometimes even after dark and i wasn't sure if i should because what if. just what if, lights were the problem.
But i would like to think that i turned out okay. Of course there are a zillion insecure moments and a zillion unresolved fights but at some point i learned to push it all back and focus. keep a one track mind on the current. it was hard but it did happen.

Some children, Boi for eg grew up protected. I am sure there are cons for that too but i had the other extreme. I had no one asking whats that now? you flunked really?

okay i made that one up, i never flunked till like college. But i lied. I lied so much that it was hard to stop. i made up so many random stories to friends and thus losing them all. i have not one single childhood school friend.

My imagination was on a roll, i tell you. At one point, i told my "gang" that "Hey guess what, a robber entered our house last night and i, I, Tackled him. The police said they are probably going to give me a bravery medal"

That was probably when they had enough and kicked me out. In retrospect it was ridiculous. what was i thinking? clearly, i wasnt.

The lying became a habit one that i have had to work on really hard, and i mean really really hard. like harder than quitting smoking,Yeah,now you know.
In the many relationships that eventually happened i continued to lie. simple stuff,really. Like if i dint pick up a call and they asked me where i was. I could say- i was sleeping. But no, i was at a movie, I was gardening.
I was biting my hair out.
You get the idea. No one really figured for a while. And then one guy. He saw through it,or literally saw me do it. I was standing outside the coffee shop because they wouldnt let me smoke inside and wiggling eyebrows at general Mallu public when he calls,i pick up and

He says" Hey,arent we supposed to meet up.."
Me: Oh i have an afternoon class,just on my way back"
Him: Really
Me: yeah! these stupid Nuns.
Him: I can see you. I am on the other side of the road. Turn.
Me: I hung up
Well.

We broke up. The lying stopped one day. I wont tell you why or how. Because its hard. maybe later. with the boi, i told him early on.My need to be thoroughly honest,Mainly because if i start i wouldn't be able to stop and boi, poor boi, has had to deal with many a crappy situation.

One of the good things that came out from the whole childhood lie spree was Tanuja. When i got kicked out from the group,ugh, i started spending all my free time in the library. Tanuja would always be there. One day she said " do you want to be friends"
Me: Why..
Her: i know you dont have any
Me: That is true.

Tanuja went on to become my closest friend till i moved schools and even later. but then like most of the rest i lost touch with her too.
She was one of the bright spots back then. I should look her up..

Bleh

I miss june. seeing her call on the screen and then not picking up,calling her back and then her not picking up. listen to her say good morning in a sickeningly bright voice that does nothing to make me think yeah it is a good morning! tell her what a sad vegetarian life she is leading! Try getting her exploits details out of her which is really hard,i still dont know one very important detail which she says "we are still not close enough for"
Think about why we havent had our first big fight yet.
Be totally loved and spoiled,hugged and mauled whenever i meet her,put up with being pinched really hard a few times and then get mad and pinch her back. hear her say woohoo for any god damned small tiny thing,sit behind her on the scooty and not hold her cos she is too ticklish and i can see me dying because of one unwarranted slight touch! insist that she take me to koshys. suggest books to her and then hear her mutter "no will read,dint read,might read"
Have her tell me in the greatest of details who said what and did what this time! Shani stories. upma stories. Rasam stories. ugh. whine about work, about the multi colored socks,an affinity we both share. have my shoe obsession made fun of. and some reaaly reeeeally sad jokes at which i am sure only,only i laugh and she isnt even thankful. Have her go about my babies and the only person who tells me i will be good at it. read her old messages about her being the one with the cat :) and smile definitely knowing it wont be so. keep a look out for all possible tam brahms i could set her up with and then hear her go about how "if i dont turn up for the wedding" then what will happen to me,lines. ..and more,more i cant remember now.
I love you much my most loved hyena laughter woman.

Just a reminder

A friend's friend passed away and i was talking to her and everything she said, the whole pain she was in and the tears i know that would come if i called her all just reminded how few i have,the few friends i have made and who have stayed with me over the years and how terribly important these few are and how if i had to be told one of them was gone,how so much would change and how a part of me will never be the same again..if i had to sit and look at your online profiles and wait for you to pop up it would just break my heart.

I am moving now,in less than a week,i know il miss you guys. the whole time difference will make it harder.i know i will probably make a few more friends. all good. But if i were to really analyse i would have to say that the last few years have been the toughest and that each of you have been so wonderful to me in your own little ways and that i could never be as strong as i am now without any of you.

June,p,Tash,Marya,george and shani i love you guys..take care of yourselves for me.

Distances

One of my closest friends,one i secretly loved perhaps a little more than the rest. always lost to pretension, it would never strike her the darker side of things.
so willing to consider the best in people, never judgemental except perhaps if you really push her buttons, always a 4 am friend.
some of these traits in her i often would be able to only see as items likely to be reasons for her pitfalls, many of these i saw. point out i could not, unlike my other friends where i could be more myself, which is to say scream hoarse and let it be known what exactly i thought.
with her though, i had to be careful and when all else fails and reason has to be seen,i swoop in. i couldnt break any of those dreams, walk on eggshells,move around it stealthily and suddenly creep on her and number the points and then add my more gentle tones, a few endearing words and then work around her. show her the obvious and then sit back and agree with her as she steers around and repeats them after you.
All this i know sounds very negative,makes me sound like a fakester, one with all plans and plots
I wont say its all for the best because many a time even when my thoughts of best and hers dint match i dropped mine and went with hers.
because i cant always be on eggshells. i cant always be positive.

The thing is any error of judgement on her part, any flaw, anything i find particularly hurtful there is nothing much to be done. because everyone would just say its all imagination on my part, that am being overly dramatic about something barely is.
but how else can i explain? this time i am not finding it in me to reconnect, to remake the effort,
retry
regain
i just cant seem to. i love this word "handpicked for exclusion", p's contribution.
which is what i was and unlike my fights and disagreements with the rest this is something more hurtful. for a long time i couldnt place a finger on why or what i did and then it finaly occurs to me,i did nothing.
i usually do and so i assumed. but i did not. each time i called i was met with lapses and gaps and uncomfortable pauses. but i dont give up that easily, not the today me, not after everything
so i try again and again and again. i cant stand the oddness, and my voice sounds too bright, i ask her if she has heard the latest bollywood nonsense, my sentences barely make sense.
but the silences and the need to talk anything is just too much,i have to say something.

All this was fine, i could take it, not everyone is in the best of moods always, and i was told that its mostly me,my head, my notions. i assumed that to be true,that she barely knew what i was thinking, that this oddness, this fabricated uncomfortableness called our friendship was all me.
which is why when i finally hear from her, that yes she is aware it hasnt been all good, that yes she knew about this awkardness that i am now somehow not able to handle it anymore.

I always think of her as someone unable to distinguish between reality and technqiues, not naive,just a simple person with simple thoughts and issues, which is probably why i loved her most. that was my opposite, i with my complications and contradictions was new to this.
It annoys me beyond beleif that she dint make an effort to sort it, that she thought it trivial enough to just let go and it annoys me cos i dont know why she picked me to be excluded. I know for a fact that she would not survive not talking to the rest two for more than a week or two maybe.
But if me,me and her was so small and unimportant then i guess its not really in me either, that retry,regain..

And for once i did nothing wrong. and that is the biggest consolation and yes i miss her,much much.
But if there is say a point, a line a vague thought, one that you dont cross, then this is probably it.
How completely,utterly sad..

My June Post

Its been a while. since i planned and did not reach pondy or anywhere with a beach and beer. what do i know, everyone plans ahead apparently except me!
so all tickets booked to pondy,gokarna and goa from bangalore. to hampi i dint ask cos tall guy with me scoffed at the idea of temple ruins and plus i have been there.
thus my weekend plans became bangalore city not that i really minded.

june, who put me and the sister up has been friends with me for a while. actually a long while, but its only this time around we realised in all these years we havent yet had a single fight. i rack my brains and think of even some kinda disagreement. i cant seem to remember any.
does this mean we are too close to have disagreements or that we are not that close as we think?
why analyse.
so anyway she only "knows" about my obsessive habits having heard them from me or read in the blog, she has no first hand experience and i can still see her say "so this is what you meant".
she also had no idea about my healthy liking for toilet humour. after initial displeasure she soon learned to cope, and even bought me an entire roll of toilet paper.
the thing about being with june is,for me ie, i always end up wanting to be a lil more like her. of course its limited to the days i am with her and maybe a few hours since. i always prefer going back to sarcasm as opposed to her wit and conversational skills.
she is immedietly comfortable with most people, am not.
she uses humor to impress, i use sarcasm and turn people off. she is tall and loud and fun to be with, am mostly dark and gloomy and goofy.
so its no wonder me wanting a little of her but then again am happy this way too.

as for my weekend, except the part where i sat on my ass in clubs playing snake on my phone and watch very drunk women do many drunk things, i had fun. clubbing is simply not my scene, pubs, lounges and drinking is. i went to koshys for my bfast and i bought many cheap things off comm street, the prettiest earrings,i found dexter on june's bro's comp, see? i need less to stay happy! low maintainence you see.

ps: this is to say a big big sorry to p for bringing her to Hrc the first time we met! and making you yell by way of conversation over all that noise and then not being able to catch up again!

pps: oh! oh also i got hit on! my first after being married, this firang who btw was cute came up and asked me if i was with someone and i said yes, my friends. so he said "no someone someone?" which was weird but anyway so i ball my fist and show him my ring and say am marrried and would not want to dance.
he obviously saw only my fist cos he stood around looking uncomfy so i got up and said my polite no's and send him off.
its wonderful being hit on again.

so yes,thats all there was.

i am off to delhi next and pune to meet my next set of friends. if only life was always this wonderful.

And i love you too

To say thanks to this girl for this

Friends Part 1.

I find using the word "besht friend" a lil funny. i guess am thinking i am too old to say "we are like best friends"so when someone goes so who is your best friend i have these three people in mind but i get a lil squeamish and do some thinking, and finally i say and inevitably they willl go " oh what about so and so"they are in the periphery, these guys are in the zone.
so this is basicaly like an ode. i just like the word.

to begin with there is my closest confidante, the woman i first call when i hear archie is marrying veronica! and she consoles me saying " well you should be happy in any case cos u are no betty"you see why we are friends?
i know you for like five years now i guess and we have had three major fights i guess which we have survived, you have succesfully made me cry which i agree is not a big feat,yet.you have worried for me and consoled me for like ennumerable times,i still have the card you gave me which talks about role reversal when you were being stalked and i had to be the one saying "its not your fault"i guess we did a good job of sticking together.
the memories of you are tons and zillions but some make me smile all the time!like once when someone told us we look similair and that day we were wearing similair white tees and standing in front of that big mirror in goodwill and i am staring in thinking really?and i catch ur eye and i know you are thinking the same and we laugh.
somehow i remember this.

of that one time in my old house when am huddled in that tiny uncomfy bed crying my eyes out,trying to keep it down, and i see your eyes welling up and am so amazed, cos by then my faith in people was so low and it took me by surprise that you cared enough.

of this time when you moved to delhi and you were alone and you texted saying " i wish someone would just hug me and not just like say its ok or pat me" and i so so wanted to be there.

when you texted me saying "we barely seem like friends anymore" and i was so so so worried! i thought "eh she has changed " and i guess you thought the same sitting miles away.

Then there was your birthday in delhi when i was so excited about sending you stuff and i got my ex bf to help me pick a fab india top and i kept wanting to put in earrings and anklets but well logic prevailed.

like all the times when you had fights with the boi and you would cry and i would wish with all my heart to do something to make up where he lacked. when you frowned on all my bad choices and then got happy when i started dating "better" men, when each rut i get out of cheered u up too and how you took all my well meant louw advise and other warnings and decided to just let me go on advising and wisely not act on it!

then there were times you got mad at me, i had no real intention to piss you off but was just being tactless and then when you told me to fuck off and another when i looked pathetic!

but none of that really counts or matters the least when i think of all the times you went "kutty come on!!" you were sensible and honest. and there is so much more but we need to do the rest 2 so i am going to wind you up. at the end of the day i love you and you mean the world to me and i shall always always be around for you.

Finicky

The first day i woke up to an empty third bed
with no finicky and her brownie..and i missed her.
she would wake up and say very sweetly "will you play one song please?"
and i would oblige gladly.
i miss her