Little nose squashed up against a small tiny face

You know there are somethings that you know you will simply be good at. You just know it. somethings that you really really want,wish for,dream about,break into a smile thinking about..A baby is one such thing for me. I adore kids, even the slightly annoying one's, my friends cousins kid i ran into, the baby at the aiport who willingly climbed into my lap as its mother adjusted that stroller thing and then proceeded to happily wiggle its fat arms in my face,i love them all and surprisingly i remember these random babies faces quite clearly and i put little things i like from each and imagine my own,though that sounds  a little creepy!

yesterday we had a dinner thing for people from A's work. Both families brought their kids. They were both equally active and happy and carried their cars and were friendly and immedietly comfy with both A and me,more him though!

Anyway one of them,little Brian from probably too much jumping about and exploring and chocolate milk on top of orange juice had a puke spree where he soiled the carpet,his parents apologised profusely and for like ever.it was totally cool by us,i mean kids,big deal,sorts but they came back little later,just when we sat down with our beer n wine and discuss the evening that was time,armed with steam rollers or something,some kinda complicated carpet cleaning and continued to clean up despite our protests.

Little Brian looked quite upset,i guess pretty aware what was happening and obviously of his role in this went snuggling into his mum's neck and looked up at us.I asked him if he wanted to climb into my neck for a change and he happily came off,his mum says he likes indian families though i doubt his ability to distinguish different skin tones!

His little nose squashed up and his small set together type eyes and his so small arms went around my neck and i,people,was so bledy happy. i kept hoping he wont have enough and wriggle out and just as i was thinking he decides to! talk about jinxing things anyway he went of to check what his dad was doing explaning how he was "feeling fine now" :)

I know its going to be a while before we have some, one,any,few whatever kids. till then i shall have to live off borrowed moments and such. which is fine really. i am feeling fine now.

My days

The days go by in a haze of fucking and of familiar smells that cling on even after a hasty or even a long wash,a scrubbed down one and yet i come out feeling raw and of food devoured regretted and then tried to be shed,lost,get rid of,anything,by running in d gym like a panicked horse,
of word lists and a certain smugness that is not exibited due to a certain fear of jinxing it but still amazing the random words i do know, and the ones i dont swirl around in my head in strange moments like when i stand with yellow gloves on (to protect my fingernails) washing dishes that the boi says "Creeps on us" when we are not looking,they say amongst themselves "look look no one is watching and jump into the sink,rubbing shoulders with whatever is there in a spirit of chumminess and then get greasy and with butter smileys on plates and bowls and glasses that smile up in evil grins.
of cheesecakes,looked at and then tasted and then followed up with orgasmic noises,disgusting,embarassing and thankfully alone.
Of the hot summer, a blinding sun and new people. new people always make me nervous,esp one's that dont smile much,one's that dont smiley faces in chat too, but these new people are allright so far. of a big,large,rambling library and of a random book picked with no catalogue checked,no plan nothing, just for the black simple cover and the joy when it turns out i love it.
of watching the boi when he is not looking and watch some more and get caught and feel little ugh and of saying the same things together and look surprised for a few seconds and then yell at each other. sick. pretty sick.
Of many movies,watched together,alone and still waiting to be seen. shamelessly be myself and expect him to like it. not sure if he likes it. cant do anything now.
these are my days.

sad sambhar tails

I am saying Hi. Think how Ross says hi when he is really depressed. i tried searching for a clip to show you guys just in case but youtube doesnt provide it.
So.
Anyhow, you see i love cooking.i do,really.
I dont really like the finer details like chopping and peeling but despite it i still love it.Whenever conversations of kitchen mishaps have come up i have proudly sat,smug in the knowledge that it hasnt ever happened to me! but hey i dint crow about it! just sat? smug.

But those days are over.
To be fair :to me ie, i dislike vegetarian food. i am saying dislike cos i am kinda seeing june's face in my head but i do. which automaticaly translates to i dislike cooking it too! but for the past 2 weeks we have been eating too much meat ( biriyani, fish fry, cutlets,pie,lasagna, chicken curry, kheema ) and even kfc! so. we decide to turn a new leaf and eat some veg mish mash. I made daal. for the first time. no harm there. i mean how bad can you screw dal up! i made beans and carrot thoran, all good. smug sitting me? can you see?

Now today we decide together to make rice,sambhar and cabbage. obviously we make joint decisions left to be incorporated by me. he left.
i sit for a while and analyse the idea of a sambhar. we have a new mixer brought with sambhar in mind though god knows why i thought i needed a mixer to make this!
obviously this is probably where i should have called someone. but smugness and the whole idea of asking about sambhar which is really such a simple thing,right ??makes me get down to it with absooolutely no help.

The boi keeps a clean house.more or less. he is definitely a hundred times, ok a ten times better than most men i know. except that he is happy leaving things exactly the way he bought it. so dal will be in dal packets lying in lonely cupboards half open, cumin in torn tumbling out stages and so on. me? me needs order and dabbas. so we buy dabbas. now look at all different kinds of pulses sitting so neatly arranged.

sigh. i louw order in a house, but wait a second. there are 3 types of  dal. and since i threw the packets out i now dont know what is what.which one if for when? gulp.

so sambhar is begun like this. with dal that i have no clue about. i consider the sambar masala powder instructions and also Mrs K.M Mathews book! Mistake number 1: always stick to one frigging book!
next i cut up all the veggies,painfully through small damned onions and pressure cook it.

The pressure cooker that has never,ever given me trouble decides
" hey looks like today is a good day to start acting up"
It boils out and there is yellow water all over my stove. Brilliant. Ocd makes sure that i take everything off and wipe it first before attempt two.

I search for tamarind. Its a small kitchen,yet i search forever. i find it,i put it in water and then i discover tamarind paste ( hai, what an invention) in the fridge.
I am generous with it. 2 nice heaped spoons are loaded in. they refuse to leave the spoon,i put all my force into it. they go sputtering and splash the stove.

OCD makes sure i clean it all before attempt three.
The cabbage on the other burner is screaming bloody murder and making me cough. The phone rings.boi.
hmpfjgg.i have a good mind to pick up, but some common sense prevails,its best not to yell now. yet.

Rewipe, retry. the paste is mixed in water and thrown in. Masala powder is again generously added. i am never like this and it surprises me. i add exactly how much,right now i have no clue.not even gut feel. i throw many things in. parsley,curry leaves.carrots. ladies finger. chilies. no idea how much nothing. By now reading the book and the cover has me confused about everything including water.

Sambhar or whatever this could become is boiling and is hmm black in color. too much paste.i see.
add more water.
The dal which is clearly been overcooked also makes an appearance. screw it,will just boil it all up.
it shows resemblance to the thing i have had all my life and i think i know what i did wrong.i think.

No more smug looks people. Never though veg stuff would be the one to show me the door. i knew no good can come of eating this.

ps: the boi is coming early so that we can mourn my disaster together and i am definitely making him sample my first sambhar venture after all it was our joint call!

Wishes

I hope that when each one of us die,they send someone. someone who left before us and who loved us much.
It would probably make it easier. To see them, to know that its time and to leave with them. knowing that the new place will be ok,less unfamiliar.

And i hope that when we are living the people who left are the stars they told me about.

Of everything

The sofa where i sit to generally put my feet up,drink chai with the boi, watch tv has the most beautiful curtains which unfortuantely do nothing to block this evening sun out. so i sit in all this light annoyed but lazy enough to not move. The boi plays John Mayer despite my wish that he doesnt. yeah well!

yesterday we went off to the Audi on campus to watch Pedro Almodovar's movie,Talk to her,except for the part where this couple kept giggling for all the wrong reasons it was a really good movie,with some amazing music, after which we went to a really nice cafe place where i had a not so bad mocha but which the boi claimed was really good. Also i noticed their notice board cum picture place where for the first time i saw people actually put up ad's of this kind " You were sitting on the right side corner table on some tuesday wearing blah blah and when i walked in u smiled at me, and you were as cute as a button" which for some reason i found very interesting!

we take turns making lunch and dinner and the weekend which was spend in a haze of cleaning and cooking saw him make the yummiest biriyani ever which supposed to last us for two days saw not even the night, today was me making cutlets and salad for lunch suprisingly turned out pretty good.. The boi sometimes acts like he doesnt know me at all, he picked up a bottle of white rum all the while when i have gone on about dark rum, which reminds of how i completely forgot how this country and old monk dont co exist and i got a captain morgan at the pub and to tell you the truth i aint too happy.

Sunday the Boi took me to his favorite brunch place and it was good,it reminded me a bit of koshy's from bangalore the whole informal set up,the lady served us organ meat and i really wanted to confirm that it was liver and not any other organ i might not want to sample,but the boi with his " its ok,i have even had bear meat" dint really help!

I am to start studying this week cos am supposedly going to be quizzed coming weekend, the GRE books make me little ill,why on earth does this keep happening to me! how many times do i keep learning this stupid Math which i so so loathe and do a zillion analytical bullshit questions. Ugh.
Fine.

Inception will be watched today, thankfully the zillion people with their inception statuses on FB dint put me off or tell me the damn ending and everytime i saw one of those statuses i quickly looked away, some idiot once put up a movie ending and i read so once bitten logic.
Which reminds me,today i tried a cleanse my FB account act wherein i removed a trillion people and yet i came up with 300 something in my list. Which was really odd,cos i for sure dont know 300 people,il just have to do it again!

The boi is being all get up,hurry up,movie, blah blah!
The sun keeps confusing me, it sets at 9 30 ish and am constantly fooled into thinking oh its only evening.

later then.

Ps: oh,here are some home pictures

and the boi's secksy legs!

First date in a new place

Time for a new label

So other than new place,new apt,new routines there is actually much much to say but its all going to be mush so you stay warned.
Unlike what many uncles aunties and 'well wishing' people said immigration did not question me for ever or check my hand for bomb residue! It took a while though and once i finally got all my luggage out i had no energy to even go to the loo and pee and generally try and look less like something that washed up but it was all too tiring and i was like what the hell,he is going to see the morning ugliness any which ways,so lets just do a small trial dose now.
i saw him waiting at the other exit so i put everything away at a corner and walked over and i could see the relief and the oh you are here,everything flood together.
and we left, drove,kissed,got home.

There was a family at the airport welcoming somebody,with big welcome home banners and tears and suddenly i missed everyone back home and when we finally got home and he opened the door there was a welcome home *insert my name on the front wall.In red, small golden and silver flower like thingies and all and red and pink balloons and happily ever after balloons! heh. completely unexpected (sweet) things  make me feel very teary eyed you know..like gulp in the throat things..
There was a chocolate cake too with two pretty lil candles.. He had made dinner, rice and chicken curry which sort of helped the whole home sickness situation...

The days are going by in a rush actually which i dint expect. There have been fights and many disagreements. I  wont interfere in the issue of the terribly messy desk and he wont leave the sandals around in the living room.
But every day i wake up happy in the thought that he is somewhere in the house. just a call way. Its a pretty awesome feeling!

Here is to a new label: living with the boi

Tired Talk

Somethingandoll is happening. I have a dislocated back.how? i was sitting on the floor and trying to pull down a 40kg suitcase and now am walking with my butt distended as far as it goes smelling of vollini and unwillingly taking brufen.
Phone calls, last minutes lists,packing,unpacking,repacking,sister is packing,mum is sad,with monumental bouts of huffing n puffing,people visiting,people to visit,having to answer,smiling,jaws stretched,low on cash,low on energy,carrying around big kaalan umbrellas and almost slipping in the rain soaked,payal soaked car porch,girl friend talk, dinner,gooey chocolate cake,sangria,magicians,pregnant women,beef from the bar,too much ac,coughs, watching p go,crying on mum who tells me to find someone i know fr her and take her with me, renewed energy about cupid roles, leftover fish fry and biriyani eaten watching godfather.
Too many earrings,when did i accumulate all this.
finding it hard to write malayalam,have forgotten so many letters!!fits of no i cant do this,Have to talk to P and feel re motivated, Watching horridness called bollywood and having to watch p's yes,i told you so face and going into scary house,dig nails into her hand,wondering if someone is going to grope me. Mari's enthusiasm to go into mirror maze,im good with these maze games,Too much pacman,eyes hurt. Skin medicine is out.

More people to call,ex boss to meet.Not allowed to drive anymore. I might die apparently. momentary cant find passport panic. earrings.too many.Too bledy many earrings.
Feel overweight,not bags,that would me,still cant stop eating. chinese take away and Mallu movies. convincing sister not to leave for college and how i just totally need her right now and adding bribes and emotional tears at the end. Begging the ladies to puhlease just stitch my blouse on time. Dentist,have to go to the dentist. Three days to go.
Sleepy. Tired.