Highlights

Driving a scorpio and being comfortable despite public expectations and opinion
Ennumerable fights with dad that got me good at logical argumens which ended in a victorious smug me
plans that went no where but did not result in a too unhappy me
slight craving for the single life,impulsive actions etc
desperate craving for a whiskey n soda
depressed,unhappy and sex deprived
an incomplete project
intense reluctance to meet anyone
scary amount of happiness and grateful to star world for coming back with lost next season
couch is my 2nd home in my home
fatter than ever before, wait. huge would probably describe it better
reading up old letters, cards and diaries leading up to " who is this me! who wrote all this"
the comeback of an old jerk leaving me with immediate panic waves that soon subsided to mild annoyance
realisation of how much more calmer n saner i am
wanting to be gone. badly.

I want my grandmom back.

how

Doubt

Whoever said friendship is easy has never had a true one
really
i dint say that, some other wise ma/woman it did.
true
do i even have any?
i hate this doubt even more than self doubt.

...

I should have stayed completely anon
no one should have known.
and i so dont want to do dear diary..

Logic

This is logic, according to a friend
God couldnt have possibly made just on person for each person, cos
what if your one person died in childbirth, or beaten up as a kid suffered injuries, died in a road rage in a drunken adoloscent thing, or suicided while growing up.

so there is def more than one person
rest assured

A Far Away Mirror

I am thinking, what could be the most hurtful thing in a relationship

i cant think of anything worse than "there is someone else"
short and destructive. if you have been expecting it, you are crushed cos obviously hope had fooled you in to believing that it might not be so, and you like the fool that you were,conviniently grabbed hold of it.
and if you had not been expecting it at all, then you have the wind knocked out of your socks

i cant tell you how it feels.
you are young and stupid, which is really not your excuse , just a fact
you are in fact 17 and you have no clue what is coming
and what is worse than hearing "there is someone else" is not hearing it at all
and then, someone tells you "did you not hear? its his engagement"

haha
you are like "this is not happening to me" and u do a quick pinch
your friend tells you "well what did you think dating a 28 year old guy?"
so thats your second shocker
did he not tell me 23
no he did not tell you a lot of things.

you have no one at home
you dont have friends, cos u well did not make any till then
you have no one really.

and then you wish
you had been at least told "there is someone else"

sajjan kumar looks sinister

Miss

The thing about missing somone is you see them everywhere
the last night before i left, i went to my fav book store, just to do a silent bye, and i saw this guy there.
blue turtleneck and three fourths, so i was just looking at the whole mismatch in that when i saw how familair he seemed.
a little like you
broad shouldered and with dimples and uhm with a girl who had one possesive arm around his waist
but def a lot like you.. i guess ur nose too
pointy
all i could think,vaguely, pointlessly was how you kissed sometimes smiling and ur nose would rub against mine,making me want to slightly sneeze

Bliss,Blessed and Blues

Somethings i love:
Going in to landmark or crosswords alone,knowing that i am going to be in there for the longest time with absolutely no one to hurry me!

Waiting patiently for the boi to call and smile unknowingly over the phone, make that grin like an idiot

find money in old jean pocket

fit in to old abandoned jeans!

Getting tickled

Hot water showers, singing in the shower, favorite apple shampoo and Coconut body wash and a scrub down and emerging smelling aah so good and then feeling all soft and curl up under the blanket

My hair! after i wash it? and then i go to sleep? i wake up to the most perfect set of curls ever
almost like digital curls

walking around dirty and stinky, dreaming of the abouve mentioned shower

washing clothes in shampoo and folding them and having them smell good

Have someone run their fingers through my hair and put me to sleep

Have someone in bed, just close by, and an arm distance away

Hug lil babies, that lil smell of soap and powder and drool

sex that comes with love

Hear p on the phone, whining, laughing, talking anything.

Hear tash on the phone, whining ,laughing,shrieking

Have Em hang up in between, all rushed and in a hurry, apologising

Narrate A's bad jokes to mom and hear her laugh

Talking to the sister till late, stupid stories, advise and wardrobe malfunctions.

Eat till i feel like puking, go puke, come back eat more
Drink till i feel like puking, go puke,come back drink more

Sleep so dead, that i dont wake up in between at all.

Wish Bone

I wish i had gone to the airport
one last kiss on the forehead.

Vote

Sonia gandhi and her vidarbha speech, with pawar gracing the ocassion, karat welcoming pawar to the left front.
why the rally begins in vidarbha?
a 3000 crore relief fund for an area famous for farmer suicide
announced in year 2006
who is keeping tab really

uneasy speeches on qualities for a prime minister
should be a leader: <>
should not be loud spoken with communal violence as the party backbone: <>
The indian express ripping apart Rahul Gandhi and his so called fake Mphil along with bringing up his mother and her fake cambridge education and ripping apart his existent or non existent gf whose name they insist should be revealed so that india knows who rules her 20 years from now

sonia gandhi, declaring if you vote for praful patel, you shall have singh again
singh holding ground on running from rajya sabha
mayawati, trying to round up more people
pappu yadav wanting to marry lalu s daughter
vaiko and varun gandhi become icons of fire in the belly speeches, who need to read the gita more often

Indian youth? loud talk and ass fucked.

Loosen Up

Letting go of someone dead must be easier.
letting go of someone who is now telling you that she is old enough and can make decisions fr her self, is just plain painful.
cos somewhere as much as i want to agree and say "sure, u are def grown up", am also torn between instinct and that whole gut feel thing.

i wish i had an elder brother instead.
well not really.
but a little.
a sister is head ache
and a sisters boy friend who goes " please dont be mean to her! she is special you know!!"
I KNOW!
who on earth made him commander in chief
of course i know!
and then you say back, feeling extremely foolish " you might want to remember that we are her family, so we know whats best fr her, you take care, goodbye"!
to which this guy goes " dnt wish me good luck, all my luck and happiness you have taken away now"

what dyu say to all this!
cmon you are 19! why dont you just be normal and have fun INSTEAD of senty and heavy emotions which def dnt suit you right now.
there is time coming up fr it, later.
right?

I see

I found one more person who does not like gandhi. good.
come out of the closet, the rest of you

..

I miss mid morning smokes
and after lunch ones.
i think four years from now a fat baby needs to be on her way and well i still crave, but i shall be a strong young woman.
The sisters reaction to any of these kind of problems is "Dont be stupid" which btw is her reaction to most of my problems.

A Brief History Of Time

This shall be a post on me. which has been a while i know.
Something about being home makes me write more here. not cos am starved of conversation which i assure you is in plenty though most of it now seems to revolve around the boi,or d wedding, or a hall fr d wedding and currently on my psuedo engagement.
i shall from now refer to it as a "fixation"
i refuse to use that other word. n now a saree has to be bought, jewellery shopping done, none really my area of expertise, am just expected to run along.
of course no one really wants to know reasons fr my paranoia
or in fact i think they do but denial is not just a name of a river in africa, rightly said by mark twain.

A part of me worries for all of us.
all of us in this not so nice merry go round
we shall fall in to the mul berry bush
sigh
i shall lay off d rhymes. this is no song n game
dance n play
this is going to be a mess made long ago by yours truly for which she shall in all likelihood pay fr now.
but you know
if you ask me would i go back and change anything.
well fr d bois sake yes
for mine? probably not.
who is that wise ol person who said experience being the best teacher?
well if thats the case maybe i am a whole lot better off
am kinder
sensible
more more more mature than anyone i know
n A PESSIMIST
:)
well, i think of the above as decent qualities to have. how many level headed people do u know?
i could probably count a top of the mind,say 5?
hmm
allright so what were we saying? yes
so the days are spend typing out short stories in brief outbursts, scribbling them down quickly before they run away and escape, franticaly look around fr pen n paper n in the absence of which make them as drafts in my phone, wonder about that project to be done which is being still wondered on, more wondering on the first real job hopefuly in a few weeks.
read "hopefully" as the operative word
i promise you dear blog,an interesting story shall come your way maybe like old times of a drunk me passing out somewhere? would u like that? cos we shall definitely knock back a lot of whiskey that day!

ps:the boi was right, typing is hard with long nails!

the boi and i some times i feel are greedy people.
of course in my language greed is good. greed drives us on.
all of mankind,up there anywhere has travelled on greed say in different areas
maybe money or maybe kingdoms
remember alexander the great? remember him weeping over no more lands to conquer? so i dont mind that kind of greed.
what are we doing about it? nothing really
or may be its all in just my head.
more to come later
free time you see.

Mental

Incre-mental
Detri-mental
senti-mental

One Down

We are one down
and two to go.

para sailing is done

there is just bungee jumping for which i hear new zealand is the best place
and
there is sky diving for which a friend recommends monterey bay,san fransico
the boi will just have to be persuaded i think.

No Harm In Trying

So lets see. i can do this.
while all around me people are updating and changing status messages, making countdowns first on a day index and now on an hourly basis,all around me are pictures clicked,flashes and last minute jokes.
all around are people desperate and valiantly clinging on to something that is over and all they want it to talk memories.
i get it
i really do.
there is no holding this against anyone.
but when you ask me, so how can you not feel anything
i run out of answers.
and this is my attempt to pin down some fleeing emotion as they try escaping, so that i can be a part too of this drama.
so that i too can say "hey remember when..?"
but there is really nothing. as hard as i try i feel nothing for this place and day to day living that happened here.
why?
maybe cos i dint belong.
maybe cos i was never meant to be a part of this.
and even as i say this a part of me is gleefuly saying "hey loser these are just excuses,cover ups"
he is right.
i am not for management education
its no excuse. and now when people ask why i did not sit for any jobs i do want to explain that i dont want to be that person
u know that person?
who works somewhere for a while and then realises that this is not it.
he is a cliche.
his job is a cliche
movies are made and books are written about his misery.
and now anyone who dare says something about doing what they are meant to are given the raised eye brow
its recession after all
take what you get
pay your bills
i am not that old yet
i dont have rent to pay or groceries to buy,i can afford to be an aficionado of her muses
i can say dialogues about wanting to be different
trust me i mean them.

we have gone way away from where we began
lets see where were we? yes this place
so il miss this room
this one i shared wt Es. i was hesistant when i did.
i had heard stories about her. but hey what did i say about chances.
nothing?
oh well i meant take them on.. how bad can someone be anyway
we got along. you know the thing is? if i want to,i can get along with anyone
and the thing is most times i dont want to.
well i like Es. she is hyper,funny,energetic,she never gets bogged down and she is well alright
a fine bloke lets say
il miss the openness and frankness we shared.
that ability to say anything. if i get pissed i take time. and in that time you dont talk to me.
she tries!
and instead of masking it i say yes
u did piss me off an now just let it be.
we got along fine.
she never closed loo doors but well i forget to flush pee so that makes us even

il miss finicky
my closest friend..someone who gives good advise.
they are rare
like i said, finicky,weird,a tad possessive, beautiful and if not for her,it so wouldnt have been tolerable.
everyone needs someone and she was always that someone.
going against her policy of hugging someone she held me when i cried it out.
fun times of course
n fights.
me you see is imaginative and sometimes not in a good way.
it over runs boundaries.
it goes into modes where it builds up its own stories based on nothing ness or suspicion
i am so so sorry about making you cry. i have never done that to a friend.

there is G
who loved me once. who wanted to marry me.
i would have.
i so would have.
except that i have screwed up so much and there has been so much hatred n hurt i couldnt take a chance on this.
but you should know for all those times you stood by me,for times i have seen tears in your eyes frustration or otherwise
for those times when u pulled me back from harsh decisions n put up wt my confusion n rudeness,i hope to someday be there for you as well
il always be your friend n i louw you.

there is thoma.
what can i say.you made getting used to this place easy
you joked n laughed n then i went hurt you.n you left.
what can i say
what can i say
there is nothing in fact that i could.somethings are best left unsaid..

then there are some more.
shimoo who i seem to want to be with in this last minute
who i get along so fabulously with.
who is sensible n silent n funny
and rahool,rishi maybe some not so important

if you put these people in a different setting n give them to me i am happy

and thus
we are back to
i dont feel anything for this place.