Just a reminder

A friend's friend passed away and i was talking to her and everything she said, the whole pain she was in and the tears i know that would come if i called her all just reminded how few i have,the few friends i have made and who have stayed with me over the years and how terribly important these few are and how if i had to be told one of them was gone,how so much would change and how a part of me will never be the same again..if i had to sit and look at your online profiles and wait for you to pop up it would just break my heart.

I am moving now,in less than a week,i know il miss you guys. the whole time difference will make it harder.i know i will probably make a few more friends. all good. But if i were to really analyse i would have to say that the last few years have been the toughest and that each of you have been so wonderful to me in your own little ways and that i could never be as strong as i am now without any of you.

June,p,Tash,Marya,george and shani i love you guys..take care of yourselves for me.

Arm and Eye candy

So almost at all of achan's parties,get togethers,launches any damn thing i feel foolish. i feel very eye candy though am sure he will be offended if i mention it.
Its his own fault,am not even remotely outgoing or friendly,so one has to wonder why he wants me there.

So yesterday was his new company's corporate launch and he texts me saying "important.look good.no jeans." and as an afterthought he adds "please?" and as heart wrenching as that was i was in no mood to get dressed or even step out in this heat.
much lazing around and delaying was done during which he calls and goes "ready?" and am wondering at his energy! i say "not reallly..do i have to hmm come?" and he gets obviously annoyed as expected and am hoping this ends with " fine.dont" but instead he goes " all this you have learned from your mother"

And as expected i got pretty mad cos after all my strict warnings not to mention abuses about each other to me they still do it! so i hung up on him.
Now hanging up on people make me uncomfortable. i usually tend to keep ph convo's short or like june says if i am done with it i cough for 3times and then say " yeah.hmm not feeling good,bye for now!!"

But hanging,hanging up makes me nervous. so i called back and he cut me off!
i thought thats it,in a way good,i can now just read my book and drink water melon juice in the tub. everything was looking good. but obviously someone like me is likely to have a sneaky dad! he send the driver who says " not ready yet!!"
sigh.
I cant obviously send him back! The bright side is achan definitely knows me.
I go there. get bored. jaw hurts from fake smiling. listen in amusement to acha crack bad jokes and the crowd  laughs, watch people praise him,call him a "brand by himself". wonderful.
dont eat.say, here i came now i go. he says no wait and drags me around saying "my daaauter"
:)
its ok really. i dont mind much. i guess. It would help if these abouve middle aged men wouldnt squeeze my hand so hard and do the whole eye me top-down.

Of the many issues,top of my head

This post by this woman just made me realise how far gone i really am, but am glad she is company with her own weirdness.
so i have terrible choice anxiety issues.i can never really pick a restaurant to go to, esp with a friend. with the boi,its sort of ok. But if someone asks me to lunch or we are meeting up i always let them pick.
So my friend Marya was in town and she asked me to come for lunch and i said ok. she asked me if i could pick her up and i said no,since she is pregnant! and i dont want to drive around pregnant women,too much pressure. so she said ok. and thus begins my trouble.
So its raining and im uncomfy driving in cochin traffic with the pouring rain and its terribly hard to find a auto so i text her asking if she can pick me up cos she lives about 20mins away and she says "hmm,yes."
first the hmm bothers me and am wondering if she is thinking how i said no and now she has to pick me up!

next she asks where we should go. i say a few options and ask her to pick! its like she doesnt know me at all cos she goes no u do!
ugh
I call her and say how i cant.i just cant! and she says all alright! how about taj. and i tell her i dont want to dress up etc and again am worrying for saying no,cos i feel am being a pain by now. so i am about to tentatively tell her taj is fine when she mentions its my before going away treat from her! so now i cant say yes to taj cos what if she thinks im saying ok because i want an expensive treat!!
sigh. i know.i do need help.

anyhow she says allright the usual then. Attic. i agree quickly. the usual is always cool with me.
she picks me and we go to Attic and after waiting for about 10minutes the guy comes and smiles and says
" yeah no food." we are like "eh?"
he goes on about renovation and how he can provide us with "cool drinks" if we wish.
we dont wish.
Now again am stuck with stupid choices and for some reason she is distracted and wont pick and i finally tell her how lets just go down. there is a place right below.

We go there and order normal fish curry meals and i am constantly thinking is she liking it? will she think i ruined her one lunch esp when she is pregnant! did she want sizzlers that badly! what do i do!!
:( to make it worse she asks for plain white rice and they dont have it and i personally take on their failure to provide white rice!!

Finally we finish and during which i bombard her with many is it ok. are u ok. do you like it. is it soggy.? have my sambhar! more papadam? and such.
it was painful,terribly so. But somehow despite all this i still have a decent time. and hopefully she did too!!

The second incident was yesterday when achan or his usual driver couldnt take me out and i got this different driver. Now i have this unnecessary need to make conversation with service people.not out of any obligation but because i do like hearing were people are from, their stories generally,i keep talking, asking and am sure being a pain.
so this guy made the mistake of telling me he is from calicut side, what does he know my instant connection to calicut side people! he is asked many many questions,where exactttly in calicut,how long here,kids?wife?
not in that order!
wife? kids? were do they study!
see, if they are rude or you know unfriendly i do stop. but if they are equally fond of conversation i just cant end it! thats the problem,i just cant find the limit. and anyway finally there was silence finally and am thinking will he think he bored me? !!
There was some amount of wait involved,cos shopping is something i do once a while but that once will take a long time. I told him about an hour and half and apologised for making him wait! fully aware that he is being paid for it and that its his job.

It took more than 2 hrs during which i called him almost thrice,once asking him if he wished to have chaya.
cos i am! he politely declined making me lil annoyed. :(
finally after the third call he told me its ok! its time for his niskaram ( evening prayer) and that he will take about 20minutes!
The releif people! He will take time,not me.ha.
Going back i was tired enough to shut the fuck up. and worried some more about what he will think and similair crap. The only saving grace is i realise how far gone i am..

Being Mallu

All the time im told i dont look "Mallu" by which i assume most people imply that i dont have the long oily tresses-much required or the "uschool" "saar"  accent which apparently we all do with no distinctions given to anyone! i do say "yeverything" though.! sometimes.accidently!!
Its amazing this categorisation especially for me who is a thorough,through and through malayalee kutty and not just at heart.

Here are some of the things i get to hear.

"so you must be a bengali" - this is attributed to my name for some odd reason. I have heard this so many times. though i got to admit being bengali kinda has its appeal cos if i were to now stereotype most of the bongs i have met are totally easy going and much fun and plus they eat my staple diet, though with too much mustard.

some of they have asked if am from assam- cos of my apparently "chinky" eyes.
But then assam has its appeal too!

I love being mal. whether its the food or the temples or our kerala saree or onam and vishu everything about kerala makes me happy. this is a very one sided positive view of kerala though.
The food! i pretty much got to eat rice at least once in two days, beleive me i have tried but it somehow just doesnt work and i get these blinding head aches. rice and fish curry. Nothing like it to put me in a good mood. well. the kappa and beef also helps! I even like making all this which i guess will now be helpful!
I love the tharra jokes. the silly programs on asianet! the comedy stars! that make both me and amma laugh like hyenas to much vexation for my sister who just doesnt understand how we got to being so tharra!

The temples: i have been to almost all south indian temples and a few in north thanks to achan's religion fever and i have come to realise that i love,simply love temples in kerala the best. Going there in the just about morning times around 6 ish when its breezy and the whole temple is more or less silent and the feel of the stone so cool beneath. its the best calming feeling ever. being not very religious i would just rather walk around and take in the smell of incense and the flowers and the deity itself. black stone with all that gold is just beautiful.
AND.this might seem a little too prudish but i simply cant justify arriving at a temple in jeans! which is one the reasons i probably am uncomfy in north indian temples.
I can explain and i could be wrong though, see. jeans. mine ie are mostly never washed,or say once in a month and to wear that to a such a pure,cleansed constantly temple just seems wrong!

But anyway thats just me

I love the movies. i love padmarajan and anthikkad movies with their brilliant stories and excellent portrayal of relationships. i love all those mohanlal-srinivasan stuff. I like T.V chandran's eccentricity and ideas. shyamaprasad's characters. sibi malayils love stories and lohithadas's screenplay and dialogues.The songs! the lyrics by vayalar and o.n.v and johnson master. everything about mallu movies is awesome.

and after all this still i get the stupid q. so you are mallu! hmm.doesnt look like it!
whatever!

Like once upon a time story

So once upon a time, long long back when i was with,ok i was with someone and the boi was with uhm crazy woman (this is me being polite) back in the day when we were buddies i would ask the boi what he thought of random guys who had asked me out/hit on me/ i was interested in but couldnt be that bothered with. The boi obliged by looking at their whatever profiles i showed him. He mostly dissed them all,not in a mean way,more like wtf!

Then he would remember what am asking him to do and there would be protests and vehement cry's of how am handing over the girlfriend title to him and how he sure wasnt interested. "stop it! am not your gf! and he looks like a shmuck" were heard frequently.
It was much fun. this. for me. I could totally pretend he was dissing them cos he wanted me all to himself, imaginary tales of his jealous sleepless nights went through my head. Who was i kidding anyway. But hey may the best man win right. Ha.

And all that has passed and after it all we are here,now.
And guess who will be coming with me for sex and the city two.

All is fair in? ----

Guilt seems to be my middle name

This is just too bad. seriously! its like the higher authority in the sky peered down anxiously, and picked me. Hand picked me. to be the person bound forever and forever by one overwhelming feeling. Stoopid guilt.

Exaggerations apart, i am at dad's now. for a week.
and its awesome being here with him. He completely spoils me,makes time for me and buys me many things!
and i can only constantly think of how when i am here i feel terrible that he is so alone. when am there, i feel horrid for her,that she is so alone and when are they both in the same place, they make me wish like i never had to meet them both!
I want to interfere and set things right, make the score even, sort all their problems. But history never lets me.
There jas just been too much pain and sadness and if there is one character who isnt willing to let go and forget then there is not a point, no matter how hard i try.
and in moments of sanity i know that its not in my place to take sides or say anything at all in fact cos who knows it better than the person who had to put up with everything.

But anyway
for now am really happy being here, we went yesterday shopping and he got me this really cool phone.
Its june's phone model except its in purple! and so pweetyyy!
I also got two new nose studs, in ruby and emerald and they are also so pweetty. ok,i seem to be doing that a lot.
We then went to costa and achan complained about the mug size! He is become quite the champion whiner.
But he has lost so much weight and is looking so good! pretty much like my brother, as he claims!

I am going to miss him so so much.

Inboxed

So the story behind Inboxed is that i want to be able to look at some of the ridiculous/funny/sweet/whacky/sad/angry texts that i get at some point in the future and since there is a limit to saving them on the phone i shall put the one's i like best here. And now with a new label and all.
This one is called 4 each, they are from different friends and it sort of shows what each of them are like

1.That should win some award for insane shorthand or something,yeah i should register in some site and get married before my teeth fall out

2.Highness lordess queeness may your kazhuthaship please call this servant

3.one sales officer has literally a forest growing out of his nose,i cant even concentrate on what he says.

4.Im in a bus fighting a fat guy for the centre arm rest. and u know i also wonder why i never gt a pretty girl, rotten luck,these fat men i have to fight space for!!

1. I hate that you talk in bits

2.No problem , thanks for trying sweetie.we will still have fun.Three girls in the skirts,alone in the city,woohhoo

3.Im going to be the old rude woman with all the cats and no love for anyone else.i just know it..

4.And all these days i thought you meant the cat!! sigh..

1. and i will treat myself to some piles medicine

2.when you come il diagramaticaly show you what happiness derived from a spouse over a period of time looks like

3.You generaly tend to keep yourself entertained and you will have enough running around to do with job hunt and school applications,you will get irritated having to see the same face after sometime you will get used to the idea and there will be better things to annoy you..

4.Hey dint realise that! the up's and downs of the coven sisters.i would like a green bedroom

1.Relax! just think about all the sex you are going to get.

2.One kick on your ass i will give.get out. come to taj.

3.Tue am taking you to some place nice. make yourself available.I am coming just for you.

4.Would you have been ok if he hangs around with his ex? point?


END
For now.

Appopan thadikal

Rest in peace, wherever you are. if you are.

If you can.

Would be unfair to say you are in my thoughts everyday, that would be untrue. But i am letting you go slowly bit by bit, the irony of it..

one silly picture it is, but this is the best way i see it in my head. 

Life is all Haha Heehee

So this is the letter from Guest Affairs Department, Etihad Airways;

Dear Mr. /Ms A
Thank you for writing to us. With regards to your query please be advised, that for guests entitled to travel in Coral Economy, two checked pieces of baggage (measured together) of which the sum of the greatest outside linear dimensions does not exceed 107 inches (273cm) provided that the outside linear dimensions of each bag does not exceed 62 inches (158cm) and provided the weight of each bag does not exceed 50 Ib (23 kg).
We look forward to welcoming you on board Etihad Airways, and wish you a pleasant journey.
Yours Sincerely,

And this is boi to me:

It's 23 kg each. Bring all shoes :)

A

and you guys, the world is a happy,peaceful place again.
ps: am very aware how silly i sound. but oh,to be silly again.

The Whys hows and whens

Everthing happens so fast. By the time my brain catches on its already over. Done. Kaput. Everyone would have already done their bits. My act is always reserved for the last and so there is much expectation on what i will say, my performance,will they be moved? will there be sighs, will people say 'is that it?"
But everything changes so fast
As always il stand in one corner wondering when! Il bite my nails off to the very end where the skin meets the nails. chew them off, till small dots of blood appear and all the while il keep saying how!

Today i came down late as always,Putting to best use these last few days at home, where i can be devoid of all duties, even the small things i used to do to help mum is done with, why? cos these are the last few days! Its all bullshit really. Am just a lazy piece of work.
But yes, i came down late, switched on the tv and settled on the couch and watched the mug of chaya she had left on the table, the steam go up. I like it really,scalding hot, inevitably i burn my tongue everytime, but me and tongue are used to it, maybe we even like it.

They were showing this on tv. Morning mallu movies- I like spending the morning watching mallu flicks and this was my ever time favorite. It seems like such a sign now though, Mum called me for breakfast. The bowl of watermelon had flies on the side, i dint mind much. Flies, mosquitoes, its all ok. I swat them off if they sit on my face but mum, she has a problem and i could hear go on and on. About the damn flies. her voice seemed very far away so i was ok ignoring it but then she came and sat down next to me and went on and on!
I told her to shut up! Maybe my exact words were " Would you please just shut up! god,on and on and on. about some stupid fly!" and then i went on and on " what is wrong with you! so what if some flies sat on my fruit, am i making you eat it"

If she retorts to this in a hurt voice i immedietly make up with my many sorrys and i do genuinely feel bad but more often she doesnt! And today she goes " yah keep saying that,maybe god will shut my mouth and you can be happy"

This too i have heard. And like everything else when said too often it loses face value. You are ok hearing her go on about god's many plans of killing her. But then she mentions something else.
" look at the paper, that girl who studied with you. Her mum died yesterday. Maybe he will call me too early enough so that you can have all the flies you want sit on your fruits"

I felt very dazed. Whose mum.. her mum.But facebook had just shown me her and her mum the other day. All happy. I had looked at her mother wearing those pretty fab india skirts and told mine " when do you plan on loosin those kilos to climb into those jeans !" and mine had said " soon soon" and she had said about how if nothing she would go for liposuction or some surgery that made your stomach smaller and i. I had been about to leave but had sat her down and lectured her. In detail.Though the easy way out had much appeal for me.

I looked in the paper. It was true. Her mother had passed away yesterday. She was in school with me. Pretty in a petite way. She had some weird problem i remember, her eyebrows began to fall off one day. She used to come home and mum used to make chicken curry,hot and very spicy for all of us. we had it with curd. But then like all my friends then i had some falling out about some stupid misunderstanding which i never bothered clearing up. i had stayed over at her place and her mother had made us many things. I cant remember a single thing now, But many things.

I cant remember when we all got so old that all along with us our parents got old and are now dying. Like p said i dont expect anyone to replace them,To be as patient with me as them but when i picked A for my husband it occured to me that some day when these people do leave me il need someone who will just have to somehow make up, somehow get me through it and am always glad its A.


I love many things about her, my mother.The part where she is a scatter brain not so much! she is always knocking into things and she keeps the house in such disorder, that its hard to find anything here! she isnt so wired up about cleaning and keeping everything spick and span unlike many other ladies her age,that i have seen, Dust i guess is ok with her! Magazines, paper, Books its all everywhere and the cause of many of our fights.
She doesnt read much,fiction and books but is alwys updated about whats happening around her.Is basicaly lazy just like me and wants to try out new recipes and wow us but thinks "maybe tomorrow" but having me for a daughter this becomes hard,what  with me going "look at all the things p/june's/tash's mum makes" God alone knows what they make, but i name many a delicacy supposedly made by those mothers and our lady gets down to work. yeah am very cheap that way
Whenever we go out,for coffee or a movie or even just a walk to the temple i have the best time ever with her. We make all kinds of plans which we know wont happen in all likelihood but its so much fun these plans..
For a long time,a little even now, my relationship with her was based on guilt, anything i did or dint do was out of guilt.
I kept trying to be better, a little more like what she wanted, but it was doing nothing for me so i had this huge long discussion filled with tears and many a bitter word and with time we settled down in to our roles. More comfy as days go by.Whenever she goes in to her cuddle-her-baby mode which i btw louw much she will go " if you were a baby again i would things so differently" in a voice that breaks my heart. I tell her vehemently that even though she dint get many things right she did a great job and that i couldnt possibly love anyone more than her.I dont think she beleives me.

I know she will always continue to take on a huge chunk of my mistakes and make it her fault. Anything i lack i know she thinks will be because of something that did she did not do right.

I know i cant solve all that but i can do small things to make your day. Which i will.
Meanwhile
I wish to go over and see my old school friend but the crowds and the crying and the people i might know. My own tears very vulnerable and willing to jump at the drop of a hat. And the fact that am basicaly a coward when it comes to death and that i cant hold a crying person or touch them or maybe even say anything that they want to hear makes me want to not go.

what now

Back in the day

In the month of March 2003/2004, cant quite remember, i got this call from a girl who had studied with me in school. It was around my bday time and life was a roller coaster ride then. ok yes that was too much but you get the idea, it sucked. though, roller coasters dont,except maybe when you get down and feel ill and ready to puke. Too much digression.
So anyway this girl was in class with me,commerce and she was sort of an odd duck. Well you know how school is, somethings you never live down.So she was this christian and there was talk that she went into a trance and had visions of god. well, jesus.Who apparently spoke to her, through her,whatever.
Anyway i was never the judgemental kind and also the kind who never really denies anything outright.I mean how do i know or not know right? If she claimed visions then yes i had no trouble not beleiveing her.
My one and only stage dance disaster debut was with her and during then i got to know her a bit. Lets call her Anna. she was normal,not given to preaching or god-talk as they said.
She danced well too, i mean with a little too much agression for my liking. Me and my two left feet dint go well with her and she was constantly teaching me. i dint mind.
After school though i lost touch and hadnt heard from her since then. So imagine my surprise when i get this call from her. Landline, no cell phones then.
She says " hey,* insert my name, Its *insert her name"
Me taking a minute to think says " oh yes,hi.uhm,hi!"
she goes with no Hello,how are you, what are you doing now,nothing " listen i had this vision and i saw that you were going to be in trouble and get hurt..so i had to call"

Well.so much for small talk. I obviously had no clue what next to say, so i scoff it off and say ' oh cmon..." stalling her, trying to think.
She says " I just had to tell you, be careful.."
It was all too ominous and maybe i was too frivolous and something about it all was so movie like, so creepy, like we were in a drama and she had taken all the good lines leaving with me just the surprised uhm and aah's. I resented it and wanted to hang up and i said "ok allright, thanks i have to go now..so.."
She went " ok careful but.." and something else that i dint catch.

It dint once occur to me to call back,To know more. I saw nothing coming, absofuckinglutely nothing.
How i wish i had called her back. Later i thought do they explain in detail the trouble,in visions. It made me feel very naked. Like there she was sitting in her house, the odd duck watching me,so raw and pink and cowered.
Anyway a part of me wants to thank her, to thank the effort she made in finding my number and making that call. I doubt if i would in her place.
A bigger part of me wants to call her now and ask more,put myself at risk, ask,probe,know,find..
I wont though,I know it.
But here is why never ridicule the unknown, what you dont know or understand doesnt mean it doesnt exist.

Distances

One of my closest friends,one i secretly loved perhaps a little more than the rest. always lost to pretension, it would never strike her the darker side of things.
so willing to consider the best in people, never judgemental except perhaps if you really push her buttons, always a 4 am friend.
some of these traits in her i often would be able to only see as items likely to be reasons for her pitfalls, many of these i saw. point out i could not, unlike my other friends where i could be more myself, which is to say scream hoarse and let it be known what exactly i thought.
with her though, i had to be careful and when all else fails and reason has to be seen,i swoop in. i couldnt break any of those dreams, walk on eggshells,move around it stealthily and suddenly creep on her and number the points and then add my more gentle tones, a few endearing words and then work around her. show her the obvious and then sit back and agree with her as she steers around and repeats them after you.
All this i know sounds very negative,makes me sound like a fakester, one with all plans and plots
I wont say its all for the best because many a time even when my thoughts of best and hers dint match i dropped mine and went with hers.
because i cant always be on eggshells. i cant always be positive.

The thing is any error of judgement on her part, any flaw, anything i find particularly hurtful there is nothing much to be done. because everyone would just say its all imagination on my part, that am being overly dramatic about something barely is.
but how else can i explain? this time i am not finding it in me to reconnect, to remake the effort,
retry
regain
i just cant seem to. i love this word "handpicked for exclusion", p's contribution.
which is what i was and unlike my fights and disagreements with the rest this is something more hurtful. for a long time i couldnt place a finger on why or what i did and then it finaly occurs to me,i did nothing.
i usually do and so i assumed. but i did not. each time i called i was met with lapses and gaps and uncomfortable pauses. but i dont give up that easily, not the today me, not after everything
so i try again and again and again. i cant stand the oddness, and my voice sounds too bright, i ask her if she has heard the latest bollywood nonsense, my sentences barely make sense.
but the silences and the need to talk anything is just too much,i have to say something.

All this was fine, i could take it, not everyone is in the best of moods always, and i was told that its mostly me,my head, my notions. i assumed that to be true,that she barely knew what i was thinking, that this oddness, this fabricated uncomfortableness called our friendship was all me.
which is why when i finally hear from her, that yes she is aware it hasnt been all good, that yes she knew about this awkardness that i am now somehow not able to handle it anymore.

I always think of her as someone unable to distinguish between reality and technqiues, not naive,just a simple person with simple thoughts and issues, which is probably why i loved her most. that was my opposite, i with my complications and contradictions was new to this.
It annoys me beyond beleif that she dint make an effort to sort it, that she thought it trivial enough to just let go and it annoys me cos i dont know why she picked me to be excluded. I know for a fact that she would not survive not talking to the rest two for more than a week or two maybe.
But if me,me and her was so small and unimportant then i guess its not really in me either, that retry,regain..

And for once i did nothing wrong. and that is the biggest consolation and yes i miss her,much much.
But if there is say a point, a line a vague thought, one that you dont cross, then this is probably it.
How completely,utterly sad..

Padmanabhapuram palace