June bug

I had vowed to write about the Bugs visit. Because it is an important event in the general history of our friendship and other things. So JuneB decided to surprise Hg. She plans with A. But A and Hg are off to New Orleans for their first vacation post baby so A tells JuneB the dates but she sees 26 as 29 and books wrong and basically ends up for a whole day alone in a hotel in Chicago. This eventually when I learned made me quite sad. That this woman who had flown in all the way from Australia spend a day alone while I galavanted the riotous streets of NOLA. Anyhow all is well that ends well?!
I was so delighted, stupefied, so unbelievably happy. So was she. Once home we would occasionally smile at each other, she would say Hi Kutty and we would hug. It just seemed so unreal for the first few days but of course, V decided to keep things very, very real.

V and June got along like sharkara and eecha ( jaggery and a fly) How they bonded. Initially for maybe half a day V was confused. She wanted to hang out with the Bug but if Bug took a shower and came with wet hair all about V would bawl. If Bug came with a towel on her hair V would wail. Basically Bug had to be in one roopam all the time which seemed acceptable. But Bug loves V. and how. I had such a good, such an amazing break because Bug basically took over and this is a good thing. She sang, she bathed, changed diapers, invented games, read, fed, cooked, cleaned stove tops, kitchen, made chai, bossed me over ( :D) got along fabulously with A. And most importantly, we were so close. Much closer than we have ever been in the past decade of being friends. This can be measured by how much I missed her once she was gone. Not only did I end up crying in the airport but in the shower afterward and when I went into her room and saw all the coins and lotion, and safety pins she had left on the dresser.

Every night after my baby duty I would go off to sleep with her. Some days she would put an arm over because apparently I am babbling in my sleep. Some days she would jump up before me in the morning when V wails. So much so that when Babyman invited us for dinner and V was asleep in the other room, she wailed waking up and the Bug was scrambling about and Babym says, wow, who is the mom here!

Bug took V off so that A and I could have a few hours of us time since that hasn't happened in so long and I cant think of anyone who I could have trusted other than bug. A of course teared up when they left. Initially we thought we would go off on a proper much needed date night but of course we settled for the home alternative. Wink. :D

Bug, V and I thendaled every day but we didn't accomplish much. Its impossible with V because most of the time we are taking things out of diaper bag, putting things in, unfolding stroller, feeding, changing, wearing V, taking her out, adjusting, oh so so tiring so much that Bug with her endless energy admitted defeat. This is huge. V basically tired Bug. A and I were much amused.

Bug was there for V's rice ceremony. Bug took beautiful photos. I am so happy that she was there for Vava's chorronu. I was so sad that there wouldn't be anyone family or family ish. But we ended up with both babyman, ammayi and Bug.
Two weeks is never enough but I suppose neither will be two months,  it is what it is. Now on to the next time. Till then, love you my June bug.

Meanwhile far, far away

a tiny little girl has become a big six and half month old baby! 

Regression

Baby and I are both regressing. Hers of course is expected, acceptable, understood and also will come to an end. I, on the other hand, am regressing to an old version. I am forgetting words, to string together lines, to even work out coherently a thought in my head, to put it down on paper without trouble. I am forgetting how to read, how to enjoy a film. I am functioning without complaints because this is what we do but its hard. To remember that I am forgetting is a constant nagging fear but at the same time, helplessness.

The hours after she falls asleep, I am exhausted too. Too much that I cant read more than a few sentences without having to go back and read again and then again until I think what did I just read? What does it matter.
I love her, I love everything she is learning and what an amazing thing to watch as she grows and figures and grasps and reaches out and occasionally reaches to me for comfort. What joy to be needed like this but also what a huge responsibility. We have taken it on rushing along head first. We meet the needs with constant reassurances to each other. But but but.. what about me, I think, almost always guiltily and selfishly.

"One who asks about things — about their dimensions, weight, location, moods, names, holiness, smell — is an historian. But the asking is not idle. It is when you are asking about something that you realize you yourself have survived it, and so you must carry it, or fashion it into a thing that carries itself."
Anne Carson.

Dada

One of the things I keep hearing a lot from mommies is how they just have to make it home in time, no they can't come out cos the kid can't be left alone with the husband, no, he won't do it 'correctly' and a lot of nay saying. Okay so I probably have it easy, I agree because I absolutely don't worry about leaving her with him. In fact among everyone including grandmothers I would still prefer to leave her with him. I am not quite getting this correct way, however. What does that even mean?How can there even be just one single way of taking care of a kid as in its a baby! Its the most flaky thing ever.
I know I probably sound a little judgey but I really think if you trusted someone enough to have the babies with them, then you probably will be okay leaving the child with him.

My friend, someone who I really like a lot and respect too, even her says nah, can't make it to whatever cos kid. Which made me a little sad. I like going out alone, sure, but it would have been fun to go out without kids and just have a coffee or a drink or whatever. I am going to have to hit up the non-mommies now although with them they keep asking details about baby. Double edged sword and all that, huh? Now who do I hound down to go with me :D

And on that note, A has just informed me that he put the baby to nap with Jay Z and something else I didn't recognize. At my face which probably registered wariness, he says, didn't show video. Well, there is that.

Let me tip you off

Tips mostly for the self. Perhaps notes to self?

So basically never ever think of naps. Naps you once took, naps where you woke up feeling glorious, post Sunday lunch naps. Any kind. Cos you will never nap. Or like my friend says, you will, once she leaves your house.
I got so grumpy thinking of naps and I just couldn't work myself out of it so A let me have one on Sunday and it just wasn't the same. So I won't till I really can have one.

You always hear her cry esp while you are in the shower. You will open the panel repeatedly to check. Is she crying? now is she crying?
Same goes for night time- but that goes without saying I suppose.

Somehow holding a book and reading is difficult but on kindle not too bad. Why? Not sure. Same goes for New Yorker or any other magazine. Download all the damned apps.
Its not so bad. Of course I am a book-snob but for now let's settle.

You will put on weight. Almost all of you. Uhuh. Breast feeding doesn't make you lose weight. Okay maybe just me then, but really, no. In fact it feels like I have put on some.

You will begin to enjoy the bf bond but find that you are running low on supply. Its ok. Don't worry yourself to death about immunity, ear infections etc. Your baby will be fine.

Enjoy the little one without worrying about job, green card, anything else. She will never be this tiny again.

Its okay to get really annoyed at two in the night when she is wide eyed and ready to play. Just..try not to snap.

Try to do fun things. Like what? For now settle for walks to the park. A good soak in the tub. Eating at a new place. A new movie at Redbox. Slowly getting through your book. Meet friends.
Okay in light of that next post here wont be baby related.

Talk to your mum every now and then. She somehow will make you feel okay and comforted.

This baby of mine

She likes stretching after a nap and if swaddled somehow manages to free her arms and then kicks and kicks till the lower part is loose!

She loves sleeping on her side with one hand tucked under her ear and one below her chin. It looks a little uncomfy and everytime I try to put her on her back, she waits a bit, and turns on the side again.

No long naps for this one. When will brain development happen, you little caterpillar?  I put her down, think HA! ten mins tops, and she is up and stretching. Just kidding, mommie.

The problem is most times when I pick her up she assumes yay boobie time and goes nuts if nothing is forthcoming.

Her blankets are so soft and comfy sometimes I throw it over our heads and its dark and its just me and her and her breath, warm against my face.

Whenever she yawns, I stick my nose in there. My nose is clean. Yesterday she had her revenge. I am thinking aah this smell and she had a spit up moment and well, let's just say, I wont be doing it again for a while. Lesson learnt for now.

Earlier baths were a torture but now its her time-to-reflect place and she looks very serious and thoughtful and loves the warm bath but the second she is out she wails till clothed. Its cold here, so understandable, except she needs boobies as a treat to calm down again. Just five mins of comfort nursing.  We walk, we put her in her chair, we sing, we do funny walks- nope. BOOBIES. I usually just give in. Big deal.

Day time naps are always on my belly/ Amma's belly. I don't know. People say its habit forming. Perhaps. But she is so tiny- still. Its so easy to forget how tiny she really is because you get so used to having her around. After all you have an infant only for a few months, soon she will be a toddler, soon she wont want to cuddle up on me. Now when I am needed, let me enjoy it.

The Fear. I have been so busy and tired that it took a while for The Fear to arrive. Oh the panic. I have this fb group for 'brown mommies' - slightly meh name for a group- but anyhow and someone had posted in there about the death of a child who tried climbing on his dresser and it toppled over. I couldn't even read through it without panicking and feeling terrible for the mother and the rest of her children.
Then there is also the fear of my own mortality- the-what-happens-to-her. Amma, when I told her had her own panic attack at that and went ballistic on me for 'always being morbid and morose'.
Always?

Like A said, why did we ever binge watch tv shows and stay up late? Why didn't we sleep and sleep and sleep. Oh the glory of sleep.

Must buy her a swing before Amma leaves. For our own sanity.

Her eye-hand co ordination has improved so much. She grabs for the pacifier, for her bottle etc and its such a joy to watch her get it right.

Loves having her head rubbed while she feeds, falls asleep promptly at boob. Loves her back being rubbed.

You know about those animals that eat their young? or fish, I think. I want to eat her toes. I settle for nibbling.

Smells so good after an oil rub and bath. Best scent in the world. but should never be bottled.

Is doing that little baby pout when exceptionally sad about the state of things in her life, eyes all filled with water. Right now? I would give her anything she wanted with that face but perhaps I should eventually learn some control.

I have seen her smile in her sleep and oh, she has a dimple! But then one day while on my chest I felt her pant/ shiver/ bob and  I look down and she is laughing! It was so ridiculously adorable. I didn't even know babies did this in sleep.

How lucky I am. I say that to her every now and then- about how immensely lucky I am to have her.
What a privilege, what an honor.

Peevish

So inspired by this which btw makes me happy because some of them are terrible things for husbands to do.  I will write some of my husband-pet peeves :D Hi, A!

1. Do not appreciate being asked ' has she had enough?" " do you think she got enough?" after a BF session & if baby begins to cry again. How do I know, mister? My info on this is really the same as yours.
To his credit, he has stopped or.. is trying to stop.

2. Long lectures on where things must go usually after he has cleared up his own trash. I foolishly agree that yes, there needs to be system only to almost trip over and fall on his laptop cable.

3. Leaving everything, all kinds of cables plugged in after I have repeatedly asked/ unplugged myself. I am really working on that electric bill, you know.

4. Leaving dirty clothes in unthought of places esp in the closet and in the new, secret place he has decided to store laundry- behind the door. Socks stink. Please stop.

5. Making proclamations like :  I will keep you company when you are being a vegetarian. :/
No more beer for me. Nope. Not even one esp after the baby is born ( not sure why) and then.. not keeping it. I mean I am not sure why these are being said when clearly both of us know it wont happen and really, you will need that beer.

6. Getting all worked up about me being on the phone while we are watching something I am not particularly into.. like Walking Dead. And then pausing and giving me the death stare which if I manage to ignore followed by the strict toned questions.. I mean c'mon, its a zombie show.. what am I missing?

7. That's all. For now. Mostly I love you. :D

We are alive

We are still alive& well. Just exceptionally tired on some days that blogging has been the least of my concerns. I always think it could be worse about any situation and so I am never able to entirely convince myself this is the worst, but yesterday I needed to pee and I went to the loo and sat down but my body wouldn't co operate and I kept thinking there is something wrong here but I couldn't figure what for many seconds and then I realized i hadn't downed my pants. Oh well.

So we have made it to week 6- almost- and no one has yet dropped her on head or smothered her. Our biggest challenge is to crib her which I am sort of ok with for now but I think it bothers A much. He tries & tries!  I hardly try. I don't mind the co-sleeping too much except that I always need a dull light behind my bedside which gives me a dull headache throughout the day but which too I have learnt to cope with.
otherwise she is adorable and I louw her little face even at 2 in the morning when Amma hands her over after her shift. She comes with her tiny fists all bunched and eyes wide open and making this njum njum sound, a smacking of the gums! She has zero patience which I am guessing is normal; she is sniffing and clawing at my shirt giving me not even a moment to register that its 2 and its my shift. The shifts end soon anyway with Amma leaving so I better get used to it.
She gave me her first real smile the other day, it was a shy smile and she looked away immediately but oh-my- heart. I generally dislike all the baby-myths as I call them. The you-will-feel-overwhelming-love as soon as you hold her and yadda yadda. Tell that to someone who has had a difficult surgery/ labor/ whatever and is zoned out on pain meds for days.
But the smile. I was immediately like I will do anything for you my little master!

I am constantly amazed at how much devotion she commands from us. Unwavering devotion commanded by a tiny human! I think I will continue to be mesmerized by it for a while.

Breastfeeding has been pleasant for most parts. She is a hard worker and will go on forever if I let her. Always choosing to feed and puke as opposed to giving up when done. I am doing formula feeding a few of the feeds basically because when I was in the hospital these guys had to and after that when I was back it seemed like she wasn't getting enough from just boobage and lot of wailing and crying. Then the doctor wasn't happy with weight gain for that hospital week and she suggested that we give some. It doesn't bother me too much and she seems happier.

We celebrated her 28th day with fan fare although there was tremendous stress involved with bad traffic+ going to caterers+ delayed etc but we finally got home in time. Everyone came late- thank god and the food was awesome and lot of fun and merry making happened and the best part was tiny human who had been so cranky all day that we had to take her with us to the caterer actually fell asleep after all the ceremony was done and slept and slept for 5 hours straight in her chair that too!  & I put a pottu on her for the first time- lol- and she looked ridiculously adorable and I love all the photos and we cut the cake and all was well.

so basically all is well. If she could just get done with her 'witching hour' I would be mega grateful.

The Birth Story

So before I forget and it has been already a while let me write it all down. On Jan 15th I caught an upper respiratory track infection and began to feel terrible. Instead of going to our regular obgyn that day we headed to L&D. I wasnt comfortable at all keeping baby in a feverish body and we were at 39 weeks and change so I was hoping they would induce me, but they refused saying unnecessary. I had huge arguments and fights with A during this time because it began to feel like he wasn't on my side and also I suppose all sort of last minute hormones. The fights- I wont get into. Anyway we headed back and I spent a miserable Thursday and Friday on no meds just cough syrup. I kept trying not to worry but I was this big ball of gigantic doubts about all the possible consequences to baby from my fever. I know they said its a strain of flu that does pretty much nothing and that the amniotic fluid will keep her fine but every worry I didn't dwell on for 9months ended up in this one fear. On Saturday morning the contractions began but I wasnt too sure since i had already had a false alarm. Soon we could time it to about five minutes apart which is some sort of standard since they say head down to the hospital then. But really if there is one thing that is true about labor it is that there are no standards. So five minutes apart and quite strong which I thought must mean I am far along. At the hospital however they said 3.5cms. The resident said he would move me to my room which was a tad surprising since they usually need about 5. And true enough he came back with " My attending thinks you should hang on a bit more here."

So we hung on and once I reached a 4 they send me to the room. By now oh-the-pain! The epidural team arrived. I have bad resident luck and to be honest out of everything that happened this is what makes me the most mad. The attending began guiding this resident girl to do the epidural and then they began their checking using ice. Here, there they would poke and go, here? feel it here? and I did. She had obviously shot it. Then it didnt occur to me how dangerous this could have been for me but now in clarity I cringe to think of it. They were like we will do it again and they went on this very merry oh-she is-such-a sport line and the resident was so meek. The attending dude got it right the second time and my one advise to all pregnant women: get the epidural.

Then we continued with people shoving hands up to check dilation. This gets easier btw. Soon the hands don't feel invasive and there is no pain at all. By midnight I was a 6, 6 and a half. Then we got stuck here forever. By morning I was at 8 and then nothing at all.
By morning even the epidural couldn't help me and soon around eight on Sunday morning I began to get the feeling this wouldn't happen for me. It had already been a good 24 hours and I began to beg for a c-sec. Again here is where I was so mad at A. It was like he couldnt even hear what I was saying and I could only say it in between bouts of pain. Morning brought this new shift nurse who is the one I should really slap. She said to me, no c-sec, you don't need it. And she began to guide me. The baby was stuck behind the pelvic bone. She brought a crow bar kind of thing, a bar basically and installed it above my bed. The idea being that I could sit on all fours like an Indian closet and try pushing. This is all btw for that glorious 10 cms which finally with the bar and her towel technique ( don't even ask) I achieved. Then I pushed and pushed till 10. I begged and begged for a c-sec and the scariest part was it was like I was invisible and no one could hear me, the way they were all dismissing me. Intuition told me it wouldn't happen but no one would let me give up. I felt so much dislike for A who was the only other person who could have stopped it. I told him too, later. I have never felt that much anger toward him in our life together as then. His reasoning being that the baby's head/hair showed and he figured only a little longer.
By ten the attending doctor, this beastly woman, but really my savior came in and checked and said that we need to stop since I was swelling up badly and the pushing had gone for too long. The nurse was so short with me post that. She wouldn't meet my eyes or respond to my questions. When the folks came to take me to surgery I could hear her ask repeatedly if she could first go have lunch.

Meanwhile throughout night everything that could have gone wrong had gone wrong too. My only straw of hope ( not being dramatic) was that baby's heartbeat despite ALL THIS was strong. She is such a strong girl, I can't believe none of this troubled her. During night they couldn't tell apart my heartbeat and hers so they asked to insert a tube into you know where that attaches itself to the top of her head. In my state I began to cry and asked what the tube end was made of and they said metal. It sounded terrible to me and here is where I disliked A again. Instead of asking with me what it was or at least consoling me he says all smug that its fine. I kept refusing and they send an Indian resident to talk to me. Cos you know, that should do it.
Then I had asked A to remind me to keep peeing but he forgot. That's the one simple thing I asked and he couldn't remember that and he says some stupid excuse. So they had to put in a catheter. This hurt like a fucking ton. I remember crying in so much pain. So soon I had like three tubes going in all possible places.

You know what is odd? That I can actually remember this without panic.

The surgery people did all their work fast. I was to be awake and A would be there too. I could see him on the phone telling people. At this point I felt a little sorry for him. He looked so distressed and pained and sad everything tired.
It was chilly and cold and the anesthesiologist said that's normal. A reaction to the drug. I had only one point to focus on and that was the baby's heartbeat. So when they turned it off I asked why and this guy says, because we don't care. Nice bedside manners.
I think I shot him the dirtiest meanest look I have given anyone. He ventured to explain that it didn't matter because they couldn't go any faster than how much they could go so no point being distracted apparently.
Then A was there in his blue robe and they began. I only felt pressure and could hear people speak and suddenly there was the most lusty, angry cry and she was out. I asked A what she looked like and he said, like me :) which made me smile since throughout pregnancy he had worried she would look like him and that was a bad thing because his face on a girl...
And now he sounded so proud, so eager. I saw her immediately and she was so focused. I know what they say but this one was so alert and she looked right at me and I held at her and passed out.

When I woke up they brought her. She doesn't look too new-borny. She has perfect skin with wrinkles only on her hands and feet. She was 8 pounds and I wasn't scared at all of holding her. I thought I would be terrified. She has a small beautiful nose and a pair of bright eyes-like A says. She has straight hair and lots of it.
At first breast feeding was a challenge. Not because of her, she is a hard worker, eager to suckle. Just boobage hurt because I wasn't holding her right but we have picked it up. Now its actually pleasant feeding her. Something we both enjoy and its also somehow calming. Not at 3 in the morning, no.

Trauma 2 began soon enough.
Remember my appendectomy trauma? Ok if you don't basically a few days after surgery then I began throwing up with the worst gas pain ever. We thought it was because we had eaten unhealthy after surgery. Indigestible items. So this time we were extra careful. All I had was rice and vegetables. Yet down to the day it began. Non stop puking and nausea. This time I couldn't feel sorrier for A. He was such a headless chicken, so helpless. Back to the hospital and of course as usual no one has a diagnosis or a cure. Except to strip me of all solids and put me on an IV and keep me flushed. They gave me pain meds when I begged- Il say that. The pain wasn't as bad as last time though. I lost all my pregnancy weight and more with 3 days on an IV.
The pain disappeared like last time on day 4.
They seem to think its a delayed reaction to the anesthetic. Meanwhile my poor daughter was on formula and I was so scared she wouldn't latch on again. The lactation consultants kept visiting me urging me to pump. Everyone has an agenda, as my uncle said.
Yeah A's uncle and aunt were here to see the baby and poor man like last time got stuck with me this time too. He is such an amazing man though. I hope I can some day do something for him. He stayed in the hospital with me, chatting and keeping me distracted so that A could have a break. Aunt fell sick with both a cough and an eye infection.
Pregnancy advise 2: Never EVER deliver in winter especially Chicago and especially not during a polar vortex. Unless you are a sucker for punishment.
I am so sad that I didn't get to spend any time with them. They changed their tix to keep us company and help us out and despite that I couldn't hang out with them. And aunt couldn't be with chotta either. This has been the most miserable winter ever.

Well, that is the end of the story.
Baby is doing great though. She makes funny funny faces, poops well, eats heartily and promptly falls asleep. Keeps us up at night. Screams during diaper changes although that is beginning to change. I still cant change her clothes, its A's dept. He is a great father. He picked everything up fast. He also has a knack of keeping her calm and he wakes at night to help. I don't resent our labor struggle much though; we talked about it and I can see some of his points now and plus we have bigger battles anyway to look forward to.

So.. I am a mom! :)
Its not too bad.

Her name is Vishva, born on January 19th 11.57.