Tall claims and close calls.

so a very long hiatus is coming up, i am heading home tomorrow,and il be back in mid january,which is a long time.
and to go without writing something seems quite callous. i have so many posts drafted,unfinished..some other time i guess.
i have to go over to the office in less than half an hour and invite some people who i dislike,the only person i do want to call is my boss. anomalies in life, i mean who likes their boss now!

The sister texts me saying "i hope you are happy now" which made me wonder if she had send something earlier and i hadnt seen,so i check inbox,nothing,so i text a question mark in reply. and she goes on to say "i broke up.hope you are happy"

i wonder if that was some kind of tactic she pulled on me? you know where you first accuse whoever and then say the bad news? well.i was happy! but she isnt telling details which is making me feel very sweaty and uneasy and panicky. enough with the adjectives allready.

i am usualy very excited about going home,but not so much this time. how do i put this? i am very sad. isnt that sad? i mean there is just a month to go and am sad.
barely a month.
the thing is everyone is annoying me including immediate family, family to be.
everything. in such cases i usualy blame me. cos if everyone has to be pissing me off, then i am the common factor,that logic.
but this time,i dont think so.

do you know what my sad graph looks like? as in what you have to do to cross the highest bar on it?
well its a pretty simple system actualy. for eg. i have mental notes of what is the worst thing a person has said to me so each time you add to it,its rated against your best score so far. like if the best score is ten then your current attempt is up against ten.

i am pathetic. very.
this just goes on to prove it. but in any case.
when i was really small, my mother would say the following "how many children are born everyday..scores and scores,even mentally challenged kids..why did i have to have you" or something to this effect. initialy i would just stand around shocked wondering if i was that bad.
then i became resentful cos i know i wasnt bad at all. and well then i just went on to become someone she dint know.
that is the worst she has said. so far.
My sister once said "you have no right to lecture me, you are the biggest hypocrite i know'
of course P consoled me saying that how things said in anger shouldnt be taken seriously and more importantly i did beleive the sister.

i would love to sit around and do everyone else, sometime other time i guess.
for now this is enough, you see when am miserable i choke up every other incident in detail. so i guess the wait for the flight is going to be seeing a very mournful tear faced person.
this is just so sad. this was not how it was supposed to be.

waves for now.

The day that was

I had the most tiresome day ever.i was writing this and then i forgot about it and put up the earlier post.
so around afternoon i went to check the reception hall, to figure out if they did all the extras in the quoted figure and the cake and so on, so while in the car i was on the phone with this girl who was telling me somehow about all her problems and i was nodding. i really was,but she kept pausing for me to say "yeah and then" each time she reached the climax. uhm. (weird that sounded in my head right now)
anyway it was really pleasant outside,very breezy and all which is very rare here and for some reason i kept thinking how when it got hot ie in summer, gets really hot, were would all the stray dogs go.then it struck me how i hadnt noticed and stray dog around at all,unlike in india where they make their presence felt, esp if you are on a scooty and its night and they are in their territorial mood.
so i ask her.
and she sounds very vague about it and also quite miffed that i would ask this in face of her himalyan problem.
no offense to her,but it was unbeleivably boring hearing how she was ready to kill herself if the job dint happen very soon. yeah,you and the rest of the world.

anyway so once i was done with everything it was evening, and i got down at this cafe to pick up these yum sandwiches they have? its grilled and the meat inside isnt really just grilled its dipped in some sauce, am guessing paprika and its the best thing next to khan chacha rolls and butter icing cakes and..ok this could take a while.so moving on.
so outside this cafe there is this outdoor area that faces the sea with a lot of chairs and umbrellas.so am waiting there when i see a dog!
and am thinking,ah, god is definitely listening in on my phone line.
i do this you know thumb and forefinger snap tog motion along with that lip smacking but inwards sound?
at the dog ie.it gets up and instead of being a friendly and wag its tail it starts barking and generaly making its disapproval known at being called that way i guess!
now you see, as much as i love dogs i am hugely scared when they display unfriendly traits so i look away,in the hope that it will ignore me,but it trots over and barks more. at a safe distance though of two tables.

i got up and went in before we made a scene there. so much for asking. trust me most times YOU WILL GET IT.

going on,
in two very separate incidents i got hugged,kissed and generaly mauled around.
so the lady who makes my food,i really like her, she is one of those women who i think if had been given education etc would have made it much bigger than just making rice and sambhar and tampering with recipes.
so since my salaried days i havent given her anything, and you know how its norm to give your all and sundry something once you become earning,working woman.
so i give her about 20bucks which is really not much,perhaps in indian money yes.
anyway she was all moved and put the note to her eyes and then hugged me and generaly looked choked up which made me think of how maybe no one had been nice to her in a long time for her to have reacted this way.

incident two: at my parlor is a sri lankan girl,around my age who does the pedicures and we got decently friendly, but like in many other cases* you know? where people tell me many many things of secret nature she also did. about how and she and her bf had come together and were living together but hadnt told the landlord guy cos of issues and how they were saving to get married and all.
nice stories,just hard on me cos the only reaction i mostly have is a pasted grin and uhm uhm aha aha...
so this girl had earlier told me how she much she loved toe rings when she was taking mine of and how she could never find pretty ones here, i agreed,very true.
so when i was in india and picking up stuff i remembered. yes,i remember stuff like this and i got her a pair. which i handed to her after which the above mentioned hugging happened.
i protested of course saying "oh thats allright" but she continued to vehemently let me know how much she loved and many thanks.

now.
here is my hypocricy.
so as much as i protested about all these affection coming my way am wondering if am really that not happy with it.
cos. you see what if she had taken it from me and said "oh a toe ring,why,thank you" and proceeded to keep it aside and contd painting my toes, i tell you i would have taken great offense.
so you see. it takes turn, i give, they hug, i protest,but.i happy and warm and gooey,well not that much,yet,inside.
pattern am seeing.

that was my day.

That time called getting hitched

So am getting married, i just got done sending out 70 emails to people who i once cared about,lost touch,are still friends, boyfriends of said friends, and so on.
i have the most wonderfuly sweet card as proclaimed by my people, all excellent.
now i just need to get home, lose weight, do some pre wedding making out, have boi pick out nice clothes for self and get married.
there is new tag coming,up.
like monica said "i am no longer a bride, just someone's wife" and chandler quips " and am that luck guy"

i so see that day!
not cribbing, its all great,but i am nt warming up really to the idea of being a married bachelor for another 6months hence.
two people not even on the same continent. perfect.

ok replies to emails are coming,more importantly delivery failed notices are pouring in! these people have gone and changed email id's and not let me know.
why am i calling them?
ans: cos i am sure 50% wont turn up due to emergencies popularly reffered to as boss,job,money and plain laziness.
now there is the added task,of going on Fb and finding proper id and then re mailing.
sigh.
it has already started! the painful uphill task.
being nice to people is so so very hard.

It is what it is.

If my thought process was completely screwd up, twisted and out of this world,that would be so good! lets say for eg that i decide i dont want to live a day beyond forty and the day that happens i shall just decide to end it all.
fourty seems reasonable? a life time enough to do everything and just about when all consequences of actions so far will present itself in diseases,regrets and fingers pointed my way..but what can you do at most to a dead woman. if i really go by the dead rules then no one will even comment on the way wardness, there could be a likely digging deep to find something, anything remotely decent that i did.
so in short, maybe, my blunders could be masked in a few things that i did, which may have helped someone.

Now the real point is, if i did decide to not live more, then lets see what i would do till 40.
to begin with i wouldnt get married, for obvious reasons. and for other reasons.
i would date a million guys in the quest for ultimate perfection, i would kiss every other guy who catches my fancy,without any qualms about my conscience not letting me sleep. i wouldnt bother counting the number of people i slept with and as the number goes up,feel that slight panic rise.
well apart from the carnal indulgences and moral deliberations there is so much more.

i wouldnt adopt as is my current plan, cos obviously by the time am ready to get into the grave he/she will be just about in their late teens,no fair.
so what will we do? we shall sponsor a little girl,open a bank account and have her study till she wants, buy things she has always seen and then looked away. have her give in to little little happinesses.

i would go rent that little room in darjeeling,anything that faces the kanchenjunga mountains. i would write that one book, take all the time in the world, experiment with the n number of recipes that i have torn and accumulated over the years in my blue file. i would drink whiskey and listen to cohen and billy joel for company,and when its dusk il light a lamp in front of my little wood carved deities and pray without folding my hands. talk rather of the day,i would spare me the convinience of a mobile phone.i would walk around naked in my compact apartment.
i would have someone over, just for the night,not for cuddles later, just for the simple pleasure that is sex and not see him again. not have him call me ever, and have to not make any explanations or exceptions to the said rule.

I could work in any place that pays me enough to save a little,i could work for 3 years and quit and go to vietnam,korea and cambodia.i could be part of volunteer programs and still see places.
there will african safaris,there will be spain where by then i would have finally mastered the spanish langauge that once gave me so much trouble.
i would keep black leather bound diaries that would speak of my tiresome waits in airports,of the many quirks of many strangers, the hugs and parting of some, and the joyous welcome for yet some others.
i would eat things that i cant pronounce without asking what it is, and then once am done il find out to be duly shocked at the idea of what marsupial i just ate.
i would have photographs for company, stories from people i meet on a train.

and when the wanderer in me needs a break,id come home,to my parents who are obviously in denial or disappoinment. i would be glad they dont know the worst is just in store. no point having someone else live their life as an afterthought of my rash supposedly harsh decisions.

i would let love be as elusive as its said to be. i would crave for it,at some lowest low,but never give in, for you see it is what it is. this was my choice, and 40 is here all too soon.
i wouldnt want to leave, but yet i would,neverthless.

Tv Is On

You know you are watching too much Tv when you have your favorite kingfisher calendar girl, mark my words.
now speaking of the above there is this super beautiful long legged woman am totaly rooting for,her name is,tara and she has got everything going for her.

couple of reasons why you should also see some reality tv:
1. you can totally feel nauseous about yourself, if you are not already ie with respect to what exactly you are doing about things such as diet and exercise.

2.there is a very hot Milind soman sitting around, sometimes dressed in some lovely casual white shirts, sometimes almost naked and still in excellent shape at 40plus.

3.You can continue to be surprised at the stupidity that is allowed even on national tv, like for eg all the leggies are sitting around our almost greek looking boy in this session about who they will kick out next, yes, the infamous voting out scene essential to all real-reel shows. so this one girl,votes another and when asked for a reason cooes,"i dhont lyke heer dhark skeen" -i say it like this cos this was her accent, not sure what part of the world she arrived from. now the other girl, in my mind already btw has my vote, goes,plaintively "but she is dark skinned too" so does this mean she has a problem with dark skin.
yes lady, any thing other than beleiving that someone could have a problem with you. right?

Tv also had for me, on Globe trekker in Travel and living where this lady sat in this very breezy looking outdoor area,i forget place, i vaguely think,korea/vietnam,so she has this sausage shaped thing in front of her, which i wasnt really looking at since i had just got back and it was 1 at night and i was busy piling food on my own plate, when i heard her say "its the penis of a --" i failed to hear that,in obvious disgust that overcame,i do think she said buffalo/pig.
she goes on to explain that the locals beleive that eating the body part of whichever animal in turn makes ur that organ stronger.

well, good luck with that strong penis lady. conclusion: "its uhm cheeewy"
aah, you say!! she took just a bite though, guess penises are really not her thing!

she also went on to eat in their worst food from the world section " uterus of a again---" something i dint hear,busy staring at said woven looking white filmy thing.
and lastly,wait for it; a family of 4 were trying to feed this guy seal's excreta: trust me i make this up not. i havent completely lost it yet and plus i would never have come up with seal!

They were also talking about the much pondered upon topic of national crisis: the deepika-ranbir break up. analysis has been going on for a while now,and we have two prime suspects,one is his mother the publicised evil lady who couldnt accept deepi as a daughter in law and we have our season flavor the pretty kaif woman,who is innocently running around promoting her zillion movies.
i almost feel bad for this katrina woman, not only does she have her own shit to deal with, whenever her supposedly boyfriend of a while,Mr Salman is disrespectful of any woman,its cos she has said something by way of pillow talk, not cos some people at 40 still need to learn manners.

ok am huffing and puffing now. you see what tv has done to me.it has reduced me to this.i am playing sides, indginant anger for underdogs.
yeah well.they say splitsvilla is coming soon. ps: gilmore girls on zee cafe,a whole season i havent seen. the joys i tell you are many.

Different Kind of stories

Yesterday night i was having tremendous trouble sleeping, something to do with my left toe not bending properly, thus reducing me to visions of osteoporosis and arthritis. i know no one of that is possibly related, but you need to remember they hypochondriac in me awakens mostly at dead of night.

since work is a mess with the visa not coming through for like ages, which in turn leaves me with very less to do and yet doing nothing. for eg: i could go to my thermo slims, am after all paying excellent money to some stranger to make me extremely thin,but no. i call them, book an appoinment for 12,but i woke up at 11, settled on couch and then saw a mallu movie i havent seen in a long time on tv and so my ass sort of protested about the effort to drag itself from said couch.
so i called them and did not obviously say the truth instead i mentioned something about car troubles, the lady who then proceeded to tell me how i havent shown face in a while, to check my weight in bathroom scales, to all of which i mumbled all the while taking offense at her tone. she,she made it sound like i was a 100kilos and will always stay fat!
i am a meagre 60 wanting to be a 55.
is that so hard lady???
i will make it.some day.not the day of senty mallu movie allright, or allen movies for that matter, or kill bill volumes.or re and re repeats of greys anatomy and.and.more.
but anyway this is all immaterial to the real problem.

so like i said they are in the process of securing my work visa,which was supposed to take 5 working days, but again,blame me for not giving passport size photo in time. so now its going to be a good week more, meanwhile i could contd with my guitar classes. yes. yes.
i know just three chords now! what does one do with three chords. but on the brighter side i do have my own song all rhymey and ready to be tuned.and never put on public display of course. these are very personal activities i indulge in,you seee.

with just a month to go for the grand event, my mother has been reduced to a wailing, whining banshee who gives me missed calls now and then. she comments on my said weight loss program with a sigh at the end of each of her dialogue meant to convey that i am just wasting precious money, who has been considering piercing her nose but is on the verge of not doing so and is probably waiting for me to push her into it. to which my response is a vague "sure its ok ma, i have done it twice already"
thats right. i pierced right side first, decided it dint look good,and in that process of deciding it sort of got pus filled and the fake stud i had in went deep and deeper till i had to submit to the evils doctors hands who did the task of fishing it out and then delivered a lecture which i do remember cutting short.

they played I am Sam on tv and i was reduced to a sniffling, hanky hunting,gulp in throat woman and the father came in just then to stare at me while i embarassed myself, in my defense i hadnt thought he would come in just then. not only did he watch the scene on the stairs where the about to be parent says all those lines which had me gulping again, he did not even bat a tear away. not one i saw anyway!

so basically it reminded something about crying and the different ways in which people cry. you know like for eg i cry without making any sound, as quietly as possible, i would much rather wail loudly and yes between me and you i do.when no one is around, sometimes i stand in front of the mirror and cry.
ma cries normaly, using two fingers to sort of gnash her nose and then one of her eye brows goes up and she is transformed into rudolf the reindeer.
the dad, very rarely found in throes of miserable tears mostly just looks away pretending something went into his eye!

i dont get it! what is it with men and not crying or whatever your issue is! i think its perfectly normal. like for eg i have seen all my ex boyfriends cry! ok. that.doesnt.sound.good.
not that i knew how to react to it, i am very bad with moments that involve physical contact.
ok. am.on a roll of odd sounding lines. what i mean to say is, if you are not thaaat important i wont be hugging you or holding your tear filled face in my hands. it will more of a pat on your back-get on with it moment. ya'all see?
right. moving on the sister cries in this wild eyed isnt anyone watching me yet way?
meant to convey that look-i-have-been at it for a while, just gime what i want allready!
the P crys, the times that i have seen ie with her whole body curled up into a small ball, hands in between legs ( sorry) and face clumped into a pillow. basicaly not looking at anyone. just makes all these sounds. nose, throat everything in work together sounds. she recovers fast too!
Tashu crying makes me sniffy too, i am all ready to be in sisters in tears! times when am glad she is usualy a happy bright person.
Em sort of never cries. except on the phone so i am not sure of facial expressions. The boi is a very macho boi, has insisted that he hasnt cried in the past many many years. who else?
i think that is enough tears.you think so too? wokay

speaking of which, i read the saddest thing like few days back. this lady i know, friends friend was looking for a home for a blind lab, its owners had abandoned it.
i wonder if she found something. i wish i had a place to keep a dog.
and lastly, we will conclude with the note that i am back on my feet again with respect to reading. i finished death at intervals at one go, ok fine! 2 go's and am very satisfied with myself cos it was sort of a hard read, which reminds me, i had underlined a few words which even in context i couldnt figure.
yes, i still use the dictionary and check up things.

More rants will be up soon. reason; plenty of time on hands and other body parts.

A girl cant be pissed now

I dont remember feeling something strong enough ever to actually keep someone else's feelings or sentiments anything at all, before mine.
till date that is.
I guess i thought that there was this concept of balance that would even everything out at some point in each persons life.
so basicaly if i was a nasty bitch to you, then you get your turn too. well, not that callously but on similair lines.
is that what karma is?

so, now am in this wonderfully horrid place where even if i am pissed off i need to take a moment,stop,ponder and then find logical reasons to back up this guys lines which have to begin with annoyed me enough to not speak to him. i guess my usual half baked way of saying things is probably not being taken in the right way and plus most of my annoyance has this way of being built up to an unimaginable proportion, for eg this one thing which i can i guess let go, i have added other things to it and am making this bitter brew which i do desperately want to throw away but am clinging on and on for some unfathomble damned reason which i think i do know, but wont say.usualy, i have a very simple solution for all this. say my goodbyes, say its not you,its absolutely me ( some lines never go out of style) and leave, here we have no such options.

Now it would all be simple if i could just go back to being the old me.
but instead. here i am, sitting and considering how he would feel if i were to say something in my usual careless, sarcasm filled way.

Does anyone even understand how painful this is.
Dont tell me your stupid stories about adjustments and its accompanying crap. i dislike insensitiveness. if you ask me to rank, here, cheating, insensitive and clingy are issues i have a problem with.
now the reason i guess it should all be ok, is that this person is by and far a nice guy. lets say his niceities are tad higher than his vices.
so maybe that is what makes it ok.

i guess i truly understand what letting go means.
not so good.

Letter to me

Dear me,

I know its hard living with dad,it involves additional doses of patience every now and then, no drinking which is
not a reason cos you dont drink anymore. right? yes,i do believe you said that to me once.
Its hard when he goes on and on about stories you have heard and possibly can narrate youself in the
exact same tone and gestures as him, but you still got to sit and nod along.
it gets annoying when he drags you to social situations cos he wants to show everyone his daughter!
yeah, you are right he doesnt get what a misfit you are and he probably never will.
its hard that you have to entertain him and now then by respoding ie making concversation esp when you are under the blanket with your book ready to nod of when he wants to crib about his driver for a while and about life in general! gasp! thats hard.

well what can i say? let me see if this will help.
keep in mind that there will be some day when he wont be around. where you will be left with just his photos and mails and
texts to remind you of his silly jokes.
you will not have him to hug when you lose your job and you want nothing more than someone who tells you
"screw this, you are good, we will get you something else"
when you will wish that he was around to make up lame reasons, the likes of " but you are look beautiful in saree,than ahem, these faded jeans,hint,hint" and smile goofily,all the time hanging around waiting for you to change.

there will be a time when you will have to buy his perfume and spray it on his shirt to remember
how it felt about those bone crushing hugs that you always protested at.
that, when you dont eat like you normaly hog, no one asks you "are you REAALY ALLRIGHT"
no messages reading " One more time KfC AND WE QUIT.BOTH ME AND U"
The familiarity of a speed dial will cease to exist, cos there is no one to pick up and the memory of those times come rushing back when you hung up saying "little busy dad, call you back" but you never did and it never occured to you that he might have actualy waited for that call,till he finally nodded off.

so what if you have heard it n number of times, listen a few more. does it cost you anything but time? so what if he leaves everything around and messes up what you just cleaned up. you wont always have to do it.
Cos.Tomorrow will never be the same again.
Tomorrow all you have is the photo on your wall and in all likelihood,regret left.
And you know more than anyone what regret does to people.
so get your act together lady.

Re living the romance

Girl: let today be honesty day,let me tell u everything about you that pisses me off
Boi: ok
Girl: i hate it
Boi: you're a pessim: ist
Girl: jus HATE IT when u cll me sweet heart ok now u?
Boi: you're a pessimist, i hate that you think that life will go south for you after coming here
now u

Girl: i hate how u have to discuss every god damn thing fr like ever n EVER,like jus gt on with it already
Boi: hmm
Girl: u can be teribly rude, i dont mind
Boi: you change plans many times
Girl: we l forget this tomorrow or try ie
Boi: ok
Girl : i see
Boi: :)
Girl: :) you say too many sorrys!
Boi: haha. yeah
Girl: u dint come fr ur OWN engagement
Boi: whoa! I did!
Girl: ok dts 2 u well u know wt i mean
Boi: and you know what I mean
Girl: do i now
Boi: :)
Girl: do me do me, NO pun intended
Boi: sigh
Girl: cmon!! i must piss u off prety well!
Boi: I hate that you dont call nor you take my calls
Girl: :) i try, u always cl wen am of2 wrk or back frm on d way
I hate it dt u steal my blogs
Boi: I stopped!!
Girl: well, u did
Boi: I went and got my own!
Girl: good fr u, hury up, urrf
i must be pretty perfect for u2 take dis much time
ha
Boi: i hated your script writing plan because i was insanely jealous of that guy Girl: i prefer former ah yes,i hated that u were jealous and masking it
in this whole grunt,sigh thing wen you are jealous you are jealous!! end.
Boi: what was I supposed to do!!??
Girl: i duno!! u cnt ask me everyting
Boi: tell u not to do something you wanted! cuz am jealous!
Girl: ok think more
heres one, i dislike most of ur jokes cos fr one i dont gt it and 2. u pause expectin me 2 laugh
and thn i have 2 fake laugh and when i dont,U MAKE IT WORSE BY ASKING WHY AM NT
LAUGHING
Boi: I do not ask!!!!!
Girl: u do too
Boi: I
Girl: twice
Boi: DO
Girl: thrice i counted
Boi: NOT ask
Girl: uhm well
Boi: liar!
Girl: i win cos you wer drunk all 3 times
Boi: oh
Girl: its like drunk bad jokes damn!! ok me
Boi: I dont see what you see in calvin and hobbes they irritate the heck outta me one more?
Girl: sure
Boi: I hate the fact that you dont give my dressing sense any chance everything I get is dismissed even the most recent ones
Girl: i dnt say a word!! wt d F!!i just did not react!
Boi: I said am wearing what I bought to nats engagement and you said no
Girl: i dint say anytin
Boi: like plain and simple
Girl: u goaded me
Boi: you said no
Girl: after which i said no
Boi: admit! admit admit
Girl: ok fine ugh i did and damn u
Boi: good now me
Girl: ok. This mus be harsh anyway,i dislike ur funny tooth,You keep sayin ur brushing! whats with all d holes!
Boi: they're from before!! when i was a kid
Girl: y u discovered d brush recently?
ah i see
Boi: very funy :)
Girl: :) ok me
Boi: I think we'll stop
Girl: nooo NO no, this is the way to a healthy relationship..
Boi: Right!
Girl: and plus i know there are tons more fr me
Boi: ok we'll have to stop soon cu I have a meeting comeing up ok?
Girl: oh and damn ur meetings
Boi: yeah i hate when you say that I always leave when i leave for work classes meetings
when you leave I dont say a word
Girl: cos u dnt care enuf :P
Boi: haha ok me two more?
Girl: you are jus plain weird and i dislike ur obsession with ur need to clarify and re clarify
and make ur point n blah blah am hoping i never hav2 witness that.
Boi: ok fair enough
Girl: me
Boi: I think you're an idiot for not listening to me when it comes to anything about your health
no vitamin c,no drinking water always you fall sick
Girl: i drink enough just like you said
Boi: and you keep wondering why why
Girl: 2 make pee white sigh!!
Boi: ok me last one
Boi: i cant think of any ok wait
I thik you're highly arrogant, you forget how I sometimes do things for you and then you prick me for mistakes I made or stuff that I did
Girl: n oh i agree totally with arogant part but i louw u fr nt saying what the hell is she arrogant about which i hav heard all life
Boi: I love you,you amaze me with your love for your family and friends, your writing, your sensibility and your looks.
Girl: looks eh??
i love you cos u care enough to make all the right decisions for me,you dont stop and give up even when am at my worst behaviour, u wrote me 16 page letters. :)
and despite being horrid with dates,u always remember d 18th everymnth
Boi: :) now what?
Girl: arent u glad we did the horrid thing?
Boi: totally my ego is boosted
Girl: good fr u
Girl: go now?
Boi: yeah you sleep, i meeting
Girl: bye

If you are happy and you know blah blah blah

Today i couldnt care about anything. not the lady who talks about me to the fat lady, not the girls who huddle up and ignore me or the guy who is perpetualy in my face or the fact that my story idea was taken away from me or that my sister is perenially unhappy and sending me crasy messages blaming me for everything.
cos
i
am
going home
yes. home is where the mommy is, who will go on a feeding spree all the while telling me how fat am becoming, take me shopping and buy me pretty salwars and watch all mallu serials and update me on whats happening there, insist that i dont spend any cash while am home, but yes i can take her to Grand and buy her oonu with fishy curry- though thats my favorite.
ask me how much beer has been guzzled down, and to my vague answers ask for a strict ballpark, what is that anyway?
i hope its raining in cochin. now thats asking way too much, rain in oct? but if rain gods r listening, please? just twice, once when am about to sleep and once in the evening, that chaya time?
il have the whole family together for once. cribbing violent sister included. there will be tremendous amount of shopping,dinner, movies.
i think am overdoing it, considering am home for just a week.
but its one week? dyu hear me? a whooole week.
and last, but the best, il have tashu and Em home, staying with me. il hear romantic silliness and despair,together.
i have gifts for them, my babies :)
what a mushy post. full of smileys and optimism.
hmph
what d hell! am ssoooo happy!

Like Russel said

Somebody is gonna get hurt real bad.
i just am not yet sure if that someone is going to be me. if they pass the buck then yes, me.
if they dont, i still think its me.
and this is not even my fault. when i give you folder that says "story final" and also has other docs, if you had just put to use even a 1/4th of your pea sized brain this wouldnt happen.
and now you have gone and printed the wrong doc. which the lady specifically requested not to.
couldnt you ask. what you have not heard of asking?
or what,is it too traumatic for you.

i hope you get the warning letter. i really do.
you dont like me thats one thing, but the least u cn do is ask me, if in doubt.
stupid stupid

dear god, i know i havent really been prompt in reporting to you.but please please please save me frm this. by the time the lady comes back,il be in india and by the time i get back from india, somehow sort this out fr me. make it disappear.anything.anything that results in very less yelling, i dont deal well with being cautioned fr things dt arent my problem.also, dont get me fired.
ps: if you wnt to get rid of that chic thats fine with me. i would never say this in normal circumstances but that bitch, ignore the bad language.
i just dont need this right now.

A First

So i have always imagined being a journalist, the genre would change though every now then, from harbouring hopes of being a brave war correspondent to being a konkona sen 's page three to being an editor,its come a long except for the basic dream staying put.
being a sub ed doesnt really do much to show your name in print and well by lines are important!
what!
who doesnt like their name up.
anyway.
my first article just came in print and to remember this day i will have it up here so that even umpteen by lines are done, il still remember the glee i felt today.

IN A PLACE CALLED HOPE

In honor of breast cancer awareness week, 18th to 24th October
World over support groups and foundations make it an occasion of togetherness

Generalizations are hard to come by and mostly untrue but it can be safely said that the world can be divided into two groups of people, ones who in the face of suffering and unexpected hardships are seen floundering sometimes never to re surface and then those who do not give up but fight back and emerge perhaps unsteady, but victorious nevertheless.

The national association for cancer awareness headed by Yuthur Mohammed Al Rawahy has been functioning since April 2004, despite being a few years old and facing several road blocks it has been successful in creating awareness among the locals and achieved a number of objectives for which it had been created.
Speaking of the different obstacles in her path she notes that acceptance is one of the primary issues faced by the patients. In X especially there is a lot of stigma associated with the disease, along with hesitation to come out and open up.
It is still considered taboo and frowned upon.

Yuthur herself, a three time cancer survivor has this incredible zest for life and her vivacious attitude and never say never motto is what has helped her through the rigorous treatment, the several chemotherapies, draining one of even the desire to live.
A grandmother, who avid reader, travel enthusiast she believes that she should be the change that she wants to see in the world and promised herself that once she has survived her third incident she would make available a platform that unites each one of them based on common ground of what they had been through.

She talks about some of the roadblocks that she has faced over the years.

One of the major grouse’s yuthur has and one that is a sore point with her is the lack of palliative care facilities in X. The aim of which is to prevent and relieve suffering and to improve quality of life for people facing serious, complex illness like cancer.

The key to effective palliative care is to provide a safe way to address both physical and psychological distress. The concerns of such patients widely differ, while some spend time worrying about pain, the future, some are bothered about the loss of independence, what will become of their family and negative feelings of being a burden.
During discussions, while some patients will want to discuss psychological or spiritual concerns, some are reluctant to do so. Thus it is fundamentally important to make a complete assessment of each patient; their partner and family to understand what kind of support they need.

Which is why yuthur feels disgruntled about the lack of such care facilities in X, the denying of a person and his support system a chance to understand psychological and spiritual concerns is as harmful as letting them face issues; real or imagined.

Resistance to talking: “For a disease like this support systems form the backbone” she says. “It is simply not enough to take your medication on time and meet the doctor, you need people to fall back upon, to be assured that you are not alone in this” she adds.

Which, she says is precisely why group meetings and speaking out about each individual tryst with the disease comes to gain importance. Why each survivor needs to tell their tale and send out the message that if I could beat it so can you.
“It is all about hope” she says


“My faith tells me to believe that this endeavor too that god has given me, it has to be taken upon because it’s my shoulders that he thought strong enough to survive this, and I am not the one to disappoint him” she adds.
.
Cancer is one such disease where stages of grief have been identified.
If we go by the five stages there is the denial aspect to begin with where you think “this isn’t happening to me”
There is then anger to deal with where your mind thinks ‘why is this happening to me”
You then go on to bargaining. Where, “you promise to be a better person if this can be taken back”
The depression that is just ahead is the hardest because this is where most people give up and where you don’t care what happens anymore, and finally there is the acceptance, the resignation to accept whatever happens.

Times talks to two women who have battled it out and survived these stages to share their story with us.

Sally Perry is almost a local; she has lived the better part of her life here, a good 25 years and loves this country.
Working as a teacher with the Ministry of Health she had led an active lifestyle, one that involved exercising and occasional indulgences that most of us give in to.

Where she does think she went wrong is in not being prompt about check ups. Getting caught in the day to day hassles of routine and living she failed to notice the slight hardening in her left breast.
When on holiday uncomfortable from pain she consulted a physician who diagnosed her with breast cancer. Her holiday in the UK was turned into a trip to the hospital where she underwent surgery and a mastectomy.

The return journey:

Unsure of what treatment was available in X or what do for the best in the unexpected situation she had to debate about returning to X or staying in UK for treatment.
In the end she chose to be with her family here in X.
“My hospital in the UK had a lot of facilities. They had what was a “one stop clinic”. When we went there, I got my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy done the same day with the results. The support groups provided me with a lot of much needed information, and I had my surgery in two weeks. After spending about a week in the hospital, I returned home as there was the provision to have a district nurse come in and examine me.
On my return to X, I resumed treatment at the Royal Hospital which has an excellent oncology department.
What I think we do lack here is support groups and counselling. A chance to talk to other people, listen, hear.
The cancer awareness association run by Yuthar was a huge help. But even so when I think of all the other women, in more rural areas, like XYZ, I wonder what they do. It is not easy to walk into a store and ask for prosthesis, which to begin with needs to be ordered in advance.
Who do they talk to? So many of them must be so misguided, ill-informed and hesitant.
So much needs to be done with a long way to go.

“Staying positive she says isn’t easy. You read about these things. You sympathise. You think if it happens you will somehow find it in you to fight back, but it’s so easy to slip” she says. However “I was fortunate as my radiotherapy was relatively easy in comparison to the chemotherapy I had.”

Chemotherapy, she admits took its toll on her. The constant nausea and inability to feel taste and all those times when she felt devoid of energy she chose not to stay bleak but tried to divert her attention by channelling her thoughts elsewhere.
“Everyone tells you of what is in store, the doctors warn you, but even so, the first time you hair falls out, no matter how prepared you are, it still jolts you. The hormone treatments that was next in line last for a good five years. Each person responds differently to this, most women tend to put on weight, like me. I am not too fond of working out but I love the glow of virtuosity once I am through it” she says good humouredly.

She put her mind to task and sought solace in poetry writing. The power of the written word was so strong she says it was cathartic for her. One that seemed to cleanse her of all negative energy and stay focused on just one goal.
To get better again.

“If you ask me has this changed me? I would have to say yes. In ways I never thought possible. When you are healthy and raring to go there is a tendency to take life’s simple joys for granted, your day has a routine.

But when you are in this place, unsure, having doctors talk about your chances of getting better; that can be a huge set back. One that made me sit up and take a good hard look again”

People always want to know if and how this has changed me.

“What can I say? To begin with, I am missing a breast. There is a saying, “vanity thy name is woman”

If you go by that then I ought to be one very depressed woman, but I am not.
Because, I have chosen not to be. I am sure some patients get bitter and then angry or look for someone or something to blame. But no one is to blame. As for me, my faith is in myself. In my family who have helped me through and made sure I moved on. Bernard, my husband, read up on all he could find, because we wanted to make an informed decision, we wanted to be familiar with terminologies. So we as a family kept ourselves abreast (no pun intended). In a way I guess talking about treatments and surgery helped my children, Michael and Kathryn, too. Once the disease takes its toll you could feel like you are spiralling out of control, but you don’t have to. Reading up, knowing about hospitals, types of treatment etc. will give you the feeling of having a small say in things. No matter how small, it still counts”

“It is said that if one crosses the five year relapse period then there is less to worry about. I can see that milestone a little ahead, I know I’ll get there because there is only way forward and that is to survive” she smiles.

Lorna Guckian is a spirited woman, one who has the go getter attitude and comes across as someone with instant survival instincts. “There is always a solution, stop worrying about things that really don’t matter, put health and happiness as your top priorities”.

Wife to the British Ambassador in X, she makes sure she finds time for herself, to do things she enjoys despite having a busy schedule. Diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago, she had no history of the disease in her family; she led an active lifestyle/diet and was hence taken by surprise.

“When I first found the lump, I consulted a doctor who diagnosed it as benign; in that situation that is exactly what one wants to hear. But something didn’t feel right and I went for a second opinion a little later. Then a third mammography, ultrasound and biopsy later, it was confirmed benign again in the UK. But later that summer after one more check up, all changed. I was operated on within 5 days.

After a discussion with my family we decided it was best for my children’s routine to return to school here while I continued my treatment in the UK, living with my sister. After six rounds of chemotherapy every three weeks, over the next 5 months, I returned to X. A difficult period of separation for the family but with today’s technology we were able to speak and see each other every day. I coped with chemotherapy very well, perhaps too well, judging by the amount of shopping I did while in the UK!

In difficult times you realise who your true friends are. Many of them, who I hadn’t even informed, let me know they were there, somewhere behind, just a call away. You don’t always want to talk, sometimes you just have “quiet” days as my MacMillan nurse calls them. I have been very fortunate with excellent support from family, friends and the medical profession both in X and the UK.


I guess it’s natural to think, why me, then the process of dealing with the shock, denial, anger, acceptance and moving on to a solution. I thought why not me. It is so common these days and we all know someone touched by cancer. I focus more on the “can” in the cancer. I consider it no different to a chronic disease with constant improvements in treatment. There is so much help out there today both medical and complementary.

The disease, unfortunately still has stigmas associated with it. If there is one thing that I would tell all anyone, is aim to get rid of any the fear you may feel, consider yourself in control. Once you have stepped beyond that it gets easier dealing with appointments, telling people, explaining things to your kids.

You pick up the pieces and move on. As far as I see it, the disease is a manifestation of something that is not right in the body, there are many theories, but sometimes it just happens. No rhyme or reason. Once you have conquered that imbalance, you are on your way ahead. Looking back, if there is something that I might have done differently, it’s that I would have been more persistent. Even when told that everything looks good, listen to your intuition. There are so many doctors, consult another one, get a second opinion or a third or a fourth! My case is the perfect example that the disease can take you by surprise.

It’s been two years and I am still me. Changes have happened, yes. For the better, I have been introduced to many ways to deal with cancer. I have always been one of those women, who rarely, if ever had a day off sick. So I have learned the hard way how being a patient feels, the hours hanging around hospital, the tension awaiting the results, the treatments. It hasn’t been easy. The disease strengthens you in ways you never thought possible.
I have found time for myself, to do things that make me happy. It can be as simple as reading a good book, going to the beach, spending time with my husband, four children and friends, laughing together, taking our dog for walks on the “jebel” admiring the stunning views. These things aren’t new, just that they are in a different perspective now.

Etiquettes:

Etiquettes are called for not just when you are dining out or in professional scenarios,
It is the need for the hour when you are dealing with patients however near and dear to you. There are some things that need to be kept in mind when visiting patients.

Each case is unique. What we have heard about our distant cousin or anyone we know neednt hold true here. So stay clear of meaningless dispensing of information.

Of course we mean well. Why else would we say “oh its ok, this is nothing, you will get better in the wink of an eye”. Don’t make light of what someone is going through. No matter how good your intentions are. It’s after all not the common cold.

Most people despise pity. Sympathy is fine. But what is stopping us from behaving how we did till yesterday with them?
After all there is no life after pity

If we really want to help, let it show in actions. Let us offer to do our friends
shopping. Perhaps keep company at a doctor’s appointment. Pick up laundry.
Actions do speak louder than words.

If they have young children, take them off their hands. Do some baby sitting.
An extra hand is always better.

No matter how much you care, do not crowd them and their family. Give them space. Make an occasional call to check up. Ask if you can come over and what is a good time.

If you are visiting someone at the hospital, leave behind young children, take a minute to wash your hands before you enter, so as to not bring in anything with you and try not to overstay your visit.

Let’s not tell people what to believe. God, religion, in the self. Each person thinks differently. Let us respect identity and let them be. What works for one, isn’t perhaps the best for another.

At the end of the day, your support counts, so be there if the occasion calls.

Wear a smile, bear some flowers.

Letter:
To Cancer,

We women thought it best if we let you know how we feel about you. It’s important that you understand out perspective too. Mainly because as hard as we try to pretend that you don’t like me per se, and that you would rather go for that other woman who is more likely to gain your attention, it has come to our notice that you show no such discrimination. We understand in a way. It’s easy to like us. We are charming; some of us even do things that, to you, look like we are inviting you in. Yes, we do think about you. A lot! No rhyme or reason. In those moments between lying awake and almost sleeping we remember you. The things we read recently about you. People you have taken away from us.
Some of it is yes, our fault. We do get careless. But it’s hard to be always ready, you know.
Things like routine and life get in the way.
There are husbands who need attention, kids who ask for even more and we do like some time to ourselves.
In between all that, we might just forget to exercise regularly, to eat greens, miss necessary check ups, all that.
In that gap you score. You come in almost unnoticed. We hear your footsteps on the stairway and even before we can guess who it could be, you are in. We really don’t appreciate this invasive personality of yours to be honest. Give us some warnings. Cant you? Strong signals?
But all said and done. We have just one thing to say. We have a lot going on with us.
We juggle a lot of roles. Try to keep a lot of people happy. Try to work and yet find time to read a book, to drink a glass of wine, to eat something we like. So if you are giving to make that indulgence of ours your excuse and creep in, believe us, not a good move.
Despite what you have heard, we are strong, if not physically like a man, mentally yes.
And after all this if you still insist on coming over, we will kick your ass.
You are the bad guy, and when bad guys come to our house, we need to protect our family. We will not give up and let you take over.
Maybe we are yelling by now, but forgive us that. We are shrill by nature.
I hope we are good.

Yours sincerely

The woman next door.

aghhh

asshole
asshole
asshole
jerk
jerk
jerk
patti
thendy
naya

And someone said, now

Something’s never fail to surprise me.
Today I watched this mal movie called samooham. It means society; I had seen it ages ago. When I was a kid, it was just another movie then.
Suhasini plays a young woman, whose father was a leading politician, well loved and who passed away. Her uncle forces her to stand as the local MLA. She was pushed in to taking it up.

It wasn’t an act of recognizing her potential and getting her to do something. It was more of a legacy thing. Put to use the goodwill her father left her.

So in the movie there is a line, where the bad guy asks her if she is new to politics. She says yes.
He replies that’s why, this eagerness. This vigour to do things, set things right.
That was his excuse for her indignation towards things that were happening in the society, which just weren’t done.

Similairly when I started out here, I was told: have no expectations. Cos you are not going to be changing anything. You are not going to write on anything that is frowned upon unless you want to be deported from here.
I agreed then.
But looking back, I realise what I have agreed to.
The ostrich mentality here Is so strong, so everywhere ,that nothing can be done. They are happy shoving all the bad stuff under their precious sand, pretending nothing goes wrong here.

I nodded. I needed the job.
But if each one of us thought with vigour and wanted to do something, contribute in our own small ways, will it not count some day?
would it still be amateur enthusiasm? Something, that the experienced men would laugh secretly about.
Would I still be the kid who got worked up over just another minor detail.

I was thinking about the nobel prize being given to the president who looked like he dint expect it.
There is twittering and fb updates everywhere.
Supposedly funny lines like. "I intend to be non violent every day, I also want a nobel"

The more I think about it, the more I feel they are right.
He doesn’t obviously belong in the brackets of say a nelson Mandela, but the award is just another way of loading pressure on him, holding him only a little more accountanble.
I could go to the extent of saying it is being given to him, in recognition of his potential.
Of course none of that is fair. But we live in an unfair world any which way.
There are expectations and then there are actions.

This is their action excusing whatever politics there may have been regarding nominations and last dates, this is their action in letting him of know of the expectations from him.

I think it’s a good decision.

Politics

so i am thinking i need a new label on the blog that says office-work and other such things.
when its your first job, there are a lot of apprehensions,in any job of course but more so with the first. will the boss be that man who you saw being abused everywhere, widely well hated. will people talk behind your back, will you figure out what to do..so on.
in my case, there was just one big big fear and that was is this what i want to do?
the rest where peripherial thoughts. its wonderful to have people like you, but if they dont? well thats ok too.
i rarely ever spend figuring it out and never any time sorting it out.
if you go on to read the next line am about to write you would think modesty isnt where il score big, but despite all that, i am a pretty decent person to have for a friend.
but going by outer demeanour if someone choses not to talk well. what can i say.
anyway, then there is the boss issue. i have a wonderful one. someone who asks me by 11 in the night if am tired and sleepy n tells me to go home, that i have his permission to punch in early.
who tells me about his one great love, gives me all the right books to read and promises to take me when he leaves to a better place.
so no trouble there.
what i am left with is office politics. faced with for the first time in my life, i am a lil confused.
there is really no taking sides cos fr one i dont know who is on what side. i can make a broad generalization though.
you see,
there are sub editors and there are page makers,ie the design guys.
in an ideal scenario which existed till i came in, (talk about luck) the sub eds would do all the copies bought in by the reporters, finish off by about 9 and stay jobless till 12, while the page guys made the page and send it of to print.
now.
the new big big boss, decides that since expansion plans are in the offing, we need a new system.
now i am all for expansion.it means more work.excellent.
but the only thing is i get the feel he hasnt thought it out.
now on the beat i am on there are three people including me and usualy we have about three pages to do.
he does one.subs and makes it. then there is two. i am just learning the art of page making, struggling through it rather, but i was told to get it right in another 2 months.
so that rules me out.
then the third guy: he wont make pages. long story that.
so basicaly, the rest 2 pages go to a page maker. who by now is given different duties.
the ego is here and there we have a clash.
so now the two pages are handed over to another beat but that guy says he isnt just a nobody so he needs the copies as they come cos otherwise he becomes a glorified page maker.
sigh.
to cut all that short: am less harassed. less to do.
story deadline looming with unfinished interviews. worry worry.
and the days are on a flying spree.

First Impressions

Women dont like me. Most of them that is.
I of course knew this fact since a while back, but it dint matter so much then. for one, i thought maybe i was just over analysing it and so on or that it was isolated incidents.
but.
women dont like me. period.
i am talking strictly first impressions here. they are not friendly, they are simply polite and most of them make it obvious, and i dont make any efforts to get them to like me too.
so we are quite even.
there are some times rarely when i do like someone and i make a lot of effort and it pays off.all my closest friends are girls from college days and we have stuck together for a long time and they will vouch for the fact that i make more than just a decent friend.
i take trouble when it matters but its all very rare.
in any case
i recently found out that the women i work with dont like me.
the couple of girls who have been here before i landed still stick togethere like glue. which is ok.
but there are these women. older.women. supposedly proffessional.
one of them just stares and stares at me.
she gets up from the place where her ass is to be parked as soon as i come in, move to the corner where her other proffesional friend sits, and just stares and each time i catch her eye she doesnt reallly look away.
now, tired i stare at her right back upon which she gives me this bland wide icky smile.
every time a guy comes and talks to me, there she is at it again.
speaking of which, the men.
with whom i get along simply well.zimbly. they are normal, they dont stare! they look obviously but thats what they do. right?
i am sure there is a reason for this, one of which i have discovered.
i tend to find male humor and jokes never offending.and the couple of times they ventured out with some all i did was laugh instead of cringe in unison with my species!
i swear a lot. not quite the sailor sorts but comfortably enough.
this must be it?
i am probably not proclaiming my unity to my side in big boring gossip and joining the shop till you drop, who is having what sale talks!
not that i dislike gossip, am all for it, but its so hard here esp when i find them so predictably similair in discussion and conversation and every damn thing!

pS: First impressions of earth is a song by The Strokes
They have also performed with Regina spektor ( who i louw) btw,and recorded this awesome song: Modern girls and Old fashioned men.

The Stranger Song

I have always thought i knew me well. i was comfortable with the person they told me i was. Growing up i was always the abouve average kid. The one whose parents were always told " she can make it big if only she would try", another one was " has potential". i got so familiar with this and then my report cards that said " should try little harder" and words said over and again of lack of initiative.
now, i hadnt believed any of that but you know how it is.
you hear the same thing over and over you tend to go with that thought. so i became the one who could, but dint.
i dint scrape through. i made an effort when i felt so.and that was very rare.
when school was about to end and the finals were coming up they have this irritating habit of testing you just before it! i have never really understood that. it only sends kids into panic modes anyway.
i dint pay much attention to this last minute itch and with just one month left for exams i flunked my way through most of it.
and except for that vague nagging doubt that it wouldnt be taken well at home, it dint matter. there was a month more!
the teacher lady insisted on calling the mother and filling her ears with some garbage who in turn banged some plates around and gave me the silent treatment and it was as much annoyance than anything with which i finally sat down and opened the books.
i scored some 80 plus something with A1, remember A1?yeah well. A1 in all except one subject.
one measly A2 made its weary way into the report which was expectedly given the cold shoulder by the mother.
in any case
my point was i have never been one to show any kind of drive or enthusiasm.
the only times i have shown welcome initiative was to buy books and give away any advice if asked.
and thus college went on.
post grad went on.
all decisions that were taken for me.
my mild protest sometimes would welcome disapproval and thus i continue being the just above average kid.
Sometimes it pisses me off that i wasted two whole years doing an Mba that did nothing for me.except perhaps bring about a lil more much needed self confidence but otherwise a very wasted 2 years. in all sense.
wasted i repeat so that you get the emphasis.

and now.
i have this job. something that i love doing, look forward to each day. dont mind the hourse, dont mind any extra work handed over. dont mind learning page making tools, despite being not so tech savvy.
despite not having my name come up in by lines.
despite editing out crap people write, make it look better and in the end be as unknown as ever.
i dont care.
the efforts i make surprise me so much every day.
and then i realise what a stranger i have been to myself.
i can recongnise me and that just makes me so happy, that i have me.
this might not make sense. but thats ok.
its so relieveing to like the person you are. to be in that stage where only your opinion about you matters.
i dont need approval, not even the tiniest bit. and this kind of security has never been there.its such an entirely new and extremely welcome feeling.that it helps to wake up every day and feel steady.
so there. thats all that needs to be said.
here is to me.

ps: from now the titles are going to be songs.

Happy Anniversary to me

So the boi is really bad with dates. he forgets a lot of birthdays, other peoples ie, he forgets my dads surprise thing but he did remember the anniversary and as part of the big anniv mail he signs of like this:

"Anyway, happy anniversary (once again). I'll take a rain check on making it special for you, if that's ok.
I love you

yours A"

And.

i found that amusing. the rain check part.

no wonder we are together.

Cheap Thrills

So the following is the reason why i should consider sleeping early and not surf the net half awake and groggy.
so in the above mentioned state am reading random blogs, when i see on some one's space the following line
" wonder about kumar sanu's disappearance, doesnt matter, he sucked anyway"
something to this effect.
now in my sleep induced state i think.
where could kumar sanu go.
who took him away
are they holding him captive for money
what on earth were his songs
why i cant remember anything?

and keeping up with this i go on to google and decided to uncover the details behind his disappearance.
nothing comes up.
no headlines made anywhere. the maximum google gives me is some movie plot where someone was kidnapped in which our man had sung some song.
it still doesnt occur to me.
and then: blink.
i want to just curl up and go to sleep but i just had to put it down somewhere so that i dont forget how much lack of sleep can affect the human brain.

Checking Ones head

Sometimes you meet someone who you get along fabulously with.
you think you can identify why they say, what they say
somethings, annoy you, but you are willing to overlook those, cos you think,hey this doesnt happen all the time with me.
when they behave a lil funny, you go along thinking its ok! cos in your head, you have been there too.
they want you to explain and when you do, they want you to keep quiet and when you dont, you are accused of being cold.
when you try blunt there is a cold shoulder
and when you make an effort its still the same.

so what does all this tell you?
stop being daft and go back to your old, indifferent ways.
the world doesnt particularly want to see your humanitarian side.

Repeat. Rewind

Alone is;
coming back home at 12
eating a cold dinner, slowly chewing thinking of all the times the mother wanted to feed you food, hot. the concept which was then lost to you
watching movies half way through wondering what exactly is going on
still sleepless at three. reading pages after pages and then realising you dint get any of that
go back and try reading again
download music sheets and try playing the guitar soon to give up.futile.
play scrabble with yourself.
wish the boi was online
finally fall asleep after having done a quick recap of all sick things that has happened.
the re cap rushes you into sleep as the poor heart says to the brain: drop it. let her off.
wake up. around noon.
gym.
shower
go to work. preferably early. at least you can see people.
come back at 12.
repeat.
repeat
repeat

That thing with ulysses

why is ulysses so hard to pull through

why do i reach about twenty pages and then just zone out

why is James Joyce making it hard for everyone

is there anyone who has read the whole book

why cant i just think: big deal. its just one book. move on, woman.

why am i asking people who mention they read, if they have finished this one?

why do i feel secret happiness when they say : no..uhm.cough. no.cough.that one? no.

i havent met anyone who said yes.

if there is anyone? are you all in hiding? was it that bad?

why does this book come up on every must read list

who is making these lists

has this list making moron read this one?

ulysses is currently on my night stand looking up with mournful eyes but still being stubbornly un reachable.

is it me? Mr Joyce? or is it everyone?

or hey wait? its probably you.

why does this begin to sound like a failed relationship

oh. maybe. that is what this is.

i see.

Comfort Zones

I must be one of those few people who say the following.

i like my job.
i like my boss
i like my dentist.

but its all true. i do. despite the crazy four to twelve shift i still like it. though most of my time has been so far spent doing nothing that deserves mention, there are no complaints.
The highlight though is that am considering doing my first story.solo.
the downside is that there are no ideas, whatsoever.
for some odd reason, health care articles are in the running. cancer, to be more specific.
on the other hand, i got to hear about this news, about illegal abortions and about women forced in to prostitution.
but i think everyone is turning the other way and that is the norm. what is expected.
what does a lowly do here. nothing. she will keep in mind what she has been told.

2nd we have the boss. The night editor who gave me "Difficult loves" by Calvino and who covers his books with paper.
who has over 2000 books in two lovely, large mahogany shelves.
who peers in every now and then to "enquire" about my welfare; his words, said sarcasticaly.
who said matter-of-factedly that this job isnt so hard.
"people speak like they crap, you take the shit you want ,throw the remaining shit out"
leaving me to wonder about the comparison.

3rd is the dentist.
we louw the dentist. me and my shiny teeth.
we louw it that he distracts us with funny stories and at the end gives us mango bite for our patience and tolerance.
some times two depending,on how less we cringed each time he asked us to spit.

so there. we have that all covered.

The Fish tank

The red fishie is female.

and despite being the only girl in a tank full of nine other healthy,happy males, she still gets no attention.

Being alone in there if thats what works for her? where is hope? for the rest of us.

Those Few Seconds

There are many things about my mother that annoy me terribly. well, that is how its mean to be right. A universal thing perhaps? in all mother-daughter situations?
But there is this one thing that not just annoys me but transforms me into a raging, red faced lunatic.
she, is quite the miser. not when it comes to us. But for her self.
she will take the bus, argue with auto drivers till they push off muttering obscenties under their breath, she will wonder why this shop has onions priced this much and the rest lower.
she wont buy fish if she feels the fish guy is taking her for a ride, she in fact fought with the fish guy of all people. But none of this in a nasty way.
Its more of a patient, i-have-to-somehow-keep-at this way, which makes me a little sad.
Its not like we are short of money or that she has to take the bus. she can very well afford to keep a car and then a driver.
but something about it doesnt ring true for her. it is more like, i am used to this kind of life and i will not stop it now just cos we live better off.
and thus,
she drags me with her to the local store and while we are just stepping out of home i ask her if she has carried enough cash, she says yeah sure, giving me the what-has-got-into-you, all too familiar look.
my suspicious questions are laughed off with silly jokes she cracks.
i go along.
and finally when we are at the counter she is sweating it out. to my question of " what amma, what is wrong" is met with " you see.. i have just X rs. do you think that is enough?"
I know its enough but this needs to stop. she seems to be at the verge of fainting and i know this is purposeful. i just dont understand why she needs to go through this time and again. Time and again.
so i tell her, probably not.
she almost stammers and says " maybe we should give back the beef"
i look at her calmly and say " the beef. is cut up and ready to go.what do you want me to tell him"
for those few seconds my mother is on high and not in a good way.
"why dint u carry some extra cash like i told you to?"
" i thought this was enough?"'
" well. we will see"
" but do you think..do you think its enough?"
Her frantic looks make me worried and i tell her its allright. she needs some convincing. we
just about make it with 50 bucks given back.
she gives me a goofy grin. I am not amused.
To my question of why.. she only stares back, happy that the ordeal is over. I know she will in all likelihood do it again.
i just dont understand why.

I kick your Ass

Dear cancer,
ok, perhaps not so dear.

cancer,
You should by now know that i think a lot about you. of course with no real rhyme or reason.
its not even like you have visited my family or extended family that often except for that time when you kicked my grand dads prostate, well, except for that i agree we do have a pretty amicable thing going.
you must wonder though then why exactly i spend all that time lying awake, imagining you play havoc.
see, its just that there is too much stats about you. too much talk going on about your destructive capabilities. which leaves me a teeny weeny worried.
the thing is, i am very fond of things that you use, to claw your way in. but am trying allright?
i quit smoking a while back. as much as i like to pretend and be good at it, i did have one tiny ciggaratte a month back, but i shall try and pretend that it never happened and maybe you never even noticed. right?
so there is that.
out of geuinine fear i have kicked that habit. now you have left me with one less place to find solace. i do realise my exaggerations but what the hell. i am one vice less.
now there is my occasional whisky, and vodka. i try and not think about rum and coke and its wonderful calming properties. tequila is simply a word i recognise.
you do see what you are doing to me.
then there is all that sex. that i wont blame you.
That is purely me, you obviously have nothing to do with it. but since i dont trust you that very much i have got my pap smears and breast examined!
you know, just in case. so what am really trying to say is i am like one step ahead of you. you have been at it with your reccurring night mares and painting all those scary pictures but i am on to you!
and lastly, there is my meat.
i am not letting you take over that. i shall do all those yoga asanas and all that exercising, eat tons of green and still be a carnivore.

so all said and done let me just say that despite all this if you still intend on coming over, il kick your ass royally. i will not give up and il not let you take over.
so we good?
ok let me back to breakfast at tiffany's with my wine.
wine? yes,yes you heard right.

Irritating Facts of life

1. When people say " you know what? " and then look at "you" in anticipation and its not just enough that you look back eagerly, but you gotta say " yeah what?"
i will NOT.ask. you. what.

2. you clean up your entire flat each day. day in. day out. and then your father decides to scream about a lonely guitar occupying some little space on the 3 seater and your question of " are you going to be sitting on all the sofas at the same time?" is met with icy cold glares

3. which brings me to : people who play guitar shouldnt harbour hopes of well manicured french done nails.

4. Never reveal where exactly you are from, cos it leads to not-needed-at-all questions like this. ps: this can also be under " why you shouldnt go to work on holidays"
so i left my pen drive with all my scribbles that are supposed to be given in soon at my desk and so i go in today. its a holiday and i run in to tiny man with mole on upper lip who is glad to see me and who i think had visions of camaraderie. the kind that will go in to his secret diary hidden beneath his bed. ( call me paranoid if u will) bu there is something not-nice about him.
anyway.
he doesnt let me look for that elusive pen drive in peace but proceeds to harangue me about our similair backgrounds and his heartfelt liking for fish. "just like you" he declared.
i flip phone and pretend to talk on it. ( i am doing this a lot now)

5. Never tell your yoga instructor " yeah i can do that, i am very flexible" or " yeah that sit in an indian loo type asana"
why do i shoot my mouth off like this.
i am beginning to think its a disease.

Why I MIGHT never get promoted

So in order to be promoted ( eventually) ie, (no such hopes on the horizon for now) i should perhaps work?
seems reasonable?
ok. so today i get in early after a mighty struggle with that whole waking up thing, have coffee which i am usualy not too fond of and sit there,glum and staring at alex;s doughnut without realising till, he, uncomfortable offered it to me!
i have no story, no ideas and no inspiration and so he said let us head out and find some.
yeah like they are just wandering about, ready to fall into our eager hands. obviously my pessimism dint do much good cos soon we were at Second cup, drinking more cups.
All we saw for inspiration was a couple who looked like they were breaking up and being as jobless as we were, we tried to understand their "psyche", as he puts it. I am just in for the ride.
anyway. To make things worse, he declares, that it looks like "its her fault"
am like "why would you even say that! :
he says: just watch her? see how "nonchalant" she is.
To my eyes, she was playing with the ring on her finger, pulling it back and forth and looking away to a view that was pretty much, nothing, just the plain old mountains, and to me it looked like she was trying hard not to cry or maybe let it show.
if that is nonchalant, fine. we have a new definition.
of course these are all vague assumptions that two silly kids with no story are making.
for all you know maybe he is her vet and telling her, her dog is about to die.
anyway i shut Alex up with " so from your too much acne its obviously plenty clear that you dont wash your face enough"
that did it for a while.

Me to Me

If you are talking about unconditional love.
let me tell you right now.
there is no such thing.
there is love and right behind it there is the fine print.
go read.
(telling myself)

ps: it is fine by me. i mean, am trying for it to be FINE by me.

Inboxed -2

1. There are para normal activities happening in my flat. The flower stand i kept on the top rack of my kitchen was sitting in front of the kitchen door today and this is the second time this is happening.

2. kuttiness

3.you miss me cos u are surrounded by haryanvi speaking clowns but i guess something is gotta pitch my price 8d.

4. can i come now? the fish curry is getting cold.

5. The guy wants to cook dinner for me. i feel privileged.

6. bertie? haha what a name. farty berty berty farty. you sure that is his name?

7.if we book our tickets now it l cost us 18 to go to istanbul

8.can you? i am in the middle of a very heated argument titled "looks matter". if itsnt trouble SEND NOW.

9.I miss sex

10. i wont. that ass will trace me out. bloody stocker. ( she meant stalker)

11. much better this morning. so sweet of you to ask.

12.The train is full of pure tamils. feels like am heading into the african heartland. naamam,kurri and oil in hair.

13. we just dont understand how you remember so many dates! we obviously dont.but thanks a ton.

14. I am in a non attached room with a small lizard looking thing for company. i hate my pathetic life.

15. kavvya madhavan is getting divorced. you heard?

16. welcome back see you at airport :)

17. hey, i finished famil matter. you were right. couldnt put it down once i started. where is the tailors book?

18.what do you mean by "yup" is it like yes combined with up?

19.you fool you still cant say if its mom or me and i am talking about your 16 page letter!

20.you cant diss me publicly on facebook and demand three messages as a make up. that is just wrong. message number three.

21. if i send you a photo of the five of us, i want you to know that as the photo was being clicked i was thinking about you..

22. calling imbalances. i am not sure what you ar trying to do. when i call you cut and then you gime a half call. confused.

23.when i first met you, i hugged you first and almost sat down, then i saw your head tilted in this angle and i did everything to make it the best first kiss

24.Did you like it? we are going to get it stiched in the evening. come along if you are free

25. congrats on the new job. we always said right. stick to journo.

So much for Fairy tales

So although am taken and (happy) i still like being checked out and given the eye etc and i still like bois to ask me out, so that i can say no obviously and so on. you get the idea.
Nothing has been happening on that front since like the longest time, (read) a year almost and then, the other day one boi at work, let me mention here really cute bong boi, smiles at me from his desk and i smile back in confusion! and lower my eyes and proceed to feel extremely stupid and from the corner of my eye i see him scrape back his chair and i know he is coming over.
in my blushing bride confusion thing that i have going on i quickly open the fold of my phone and put it to my ear only to remember that it isnt on silent and could ring LOUDLY any second and i would never live that down. so i shut that and look away!
he comes over and asks me if am lost and i smile back,polite and distant, yeah i do that especially when i dont know you at all and even so more when you are a nice looking boi. anyway i say no am just waiting.
if i was single i tell you.
wait. i tell you what. i cant remember! this blows.
anyway he nods and then he left. i avoid the first floor area where i could run in to him, not cos of anything else as much as looking foolish.
so the point was. yes, i did have a point and i am not just rambling.
there seems to be a sudden spurt in the number of cute men am running into. why is this happening!
i remember when i was single, frustrated and looking they were all in hiding and now, they are slowly emerging from wherever they were huddled up.
at one point. a quite desperate alone point with lot of issues i remember looking everywhere, even through facebook friends friend lists! that is pretty desperate if you ask me.
at that point, i remember i was on the flight to city of study and at the airport i saw one nice looking boi. i sneak looks and i saw him do the same. aha
and then we proceed to look away in every other direction and when boarding happened he was right in front of me. the guy at the gate tells me i have no tag on my hand bags and i in vain try to convince him that i did! how else does he think i got till this gate point. so when i argue you see, i get very shrill. not good at all. and that starts to happen and i see cute boi look at me strangely.
i quickly stop and he announces "you shud just run and get it i can hold these fr u here"
a very glad and grinning me runs back and fro with huge enthusiasm filled with visions of flirting with cute boi and even somehow grab the seat next to him. somehow was the key word.
i come back and he flashes me the nicest smile and we move on in the line, me, muttering thanks etc and then ugh the longest gap happens and when that happens its hard to pick up again. you know what i mean. like say 15minutes pass and then i couldnt again come up with "so whats happening" and the only question in my head was " where you headed!!" which will make me look- "i will let each of you use whatever word suitable"
so i dont grab his seat or do anything. i settle in mine and drink icky lime water and continue to watch the top of his head bounce now and then.
when we got to the place, god, with his brilliant plans i say, put us in the same shared cab which eventualy we realise is not a cab but a mini van that goes on to drop everyone everywhere and finaly head to my area which is btw the local village and the cute boi announces that he is headed there too.
you would think that with all my attraction and by now heightened curiosity i would say something! anything to a boi who is the only one left in the damn van. but no. i too proud.
so the ipod comes out and his book comes out.
book in a van? puhlz.
( mentally said of course)
and then
finally. he says ' you work at *village?"
me: ( since he has said the first line, i am now friendly and un-arrogant) no i study at so and so. you?
he works near by at this I.T place. Right next door.
The romantic fool in me thinks maybe this boi is the boi, what with such a cute story and all.
the boi and i talk and we keep at it till the van man stops and grumbles. the boi helps me with all my heavy bags and boxes and then casualy asks me for my number which i then give him.
he waits for two days to text, i wait for 2 more to text back ( silly kids. i know)
and then we meet up and go drinking etc etc.
despite my obvious desperation it fails to click. i like boi.
but this heart thing doesnt really help me out here.it still kept waiting for our main boi, to change his mind and etc.
cute boi left place little later but we contd to stay in touch, he calls me when he drinks rum and coke and eats chicken wings and sends me photos.
he is quite the nice boi.

ps; there was no real point i see at the end of rambling.

The Gist of it is.

She was the kind of girl who never judged, and tried accepting flaws. The type who got overly attached but thankfully to just a few, cared about her friends and got possesive about the very few she had.

she was the type who had over time become convinced that love doesnt happen to everyone and was consoling herself, getting ready to settle for maybe some passion and familiarity. she had been so betrayed that she had changed from a naive,simple girl to cold and calculating. in between sleep and dreams she could never recognise herself. but this new her was comforting to know. she knew this person would take care of her.

she hated traffic signals and always got caught in them and soon started looking for the times when she was not stuck. at a certain traffic light, there was a watch show room where an old man sat every morning, outside drinking a glass of black tea. she got into the habit of smiling at him. everytime she went by that road, she got stuck at the light and she waited for the old man to look up. he always smiled back. a few months later, the shop was closed and he was gone.

she thought about it every time she passed that way. she was convinced about his death. she dint quite mind dying herself. she was ok with that. but she constantly worried about having people who she loved leaving behind gaps that she knew not how to fill. so she made a deal with the big man. every day she would say this one prayer five times each for all the people she loved. that always took a long time. she dint mind.

she had thought so much about death that she had many ways of calming her self down. one was quickly stop thinking about it as soon the thought struck her by shutting her eyes really hard. by thinking of something that disgusted her like smelly feet or unwashed dirty socks. she was silly you know..

she loved unconditionally and she was always there when she did, love, that is. she tried sometimes too hard. she made vows all the time to herself to be a better person, she annoyed herself by thinking up all her faults and past mistakes when she fought with the people who cared. but she had a really ugly mouth and even uglier language if you upset her.

she would say things just to see that hurt look in the other persons eyes, which she would immedietly regret but she wouldnt be able to stop and her excuse was well its already done so might as well keep at it. she always wanted to be in the right. whether in the things she made or the things she did, the work she submitted, even pronounciation.

but that was hard cos she was one of the laziest people god had send down.

she was always scared of first steps and she loved playing hard to get. she was quite good at latter but when the time came she dint bother. she dint really have to. she let herself be and let all her guards down and plunged right in.

it worked for her. you see, she had intuitions and she was mostly right.

she loved rain, hated cold, loved blankets and socks and had a pretty smile.

she always forced the music she liked upon people. she would badger them into listening and keep playing the same song n number of times to much annoyance of people who lived with her. she loved dogs but hated having them jump on her, love or otherwise. she dint quite like hoobastank but loved their song The Reason, she would listen to the lyrics, think of her grandmother and try to be stronger. she slept listening to music each night, loved afternoon naps on weekends that sometimes stretched to hours and she detested waking up to a dark room.

she shopped so much at fab india, buying up all their over priced stuff gleefully cos it made her happy! spending crazy money on bangles and junk jewellery.

she loved cohen and cranberries equally. qawwali and janis joplin, she loved Regina spektor for singing Fidelity which was her song. she loved eyes wide shut the second time around and she loved farewell to arms second time around. Alice walker and camus sat together on her shelfs with naipaul and murakami. contradictions. always contradictions.

There was another thing. she was always trying to be stronger, if you dint know her you would never think she was weak and had her moments. she looked tough and was known as the local snob. well at least am not the local slut was her delightful reply.

she had her share of men. of bad sex and good ones, some she remembered fondly and the asseholes moodily, ( no pun intended). she couldnt remember the number of people she had kissed and was always against counting em up! what the hell! who would that benefit? Right.

she had drunken mistakes which was never really hidden cos she always liked to beleive that she wouldnt change one thing about her.

whatever that had happened wasnt maybe for the best but it had made her who she was today.

and she liked her.

she always liked to say: there is no life after pity and so she never gave any and never welcomed any.

From the Comfortable Corner

Even before i have started working, the bosses have told me some things clearly, rather explicitly.
To begin with there should be no extra blood rushing into your head anytime you see any kind of behaviour or action that you feel once reported and brought to the attention of the masses will bring about any kind of radical change.
thats a strict no-no.
Secondly, you are not going to change the world. ( i dint even have a chance to explain i dont want to) and proudly elaborate on my "i just want small changes in life and for people" speech that usually people approve of.
that dint even get a peek.
Thirdly, you dont piss off the advertisers. cos though they give you in plenty, they are far too less to begin with and far too much competition.
and then subsidiary points that need touching upon like you wont do big stories for a while, you will be the underpaid lowly who works for everyone.
who shall basicaly proof read and attend press conferences and maybe get coffee for everyone. ok, the last maybe not.
but still.
i guess going by the look on my face they must have felt lil sympathy to offer me this " journalism isnt easy, you have to be diplomatic"
Thats the word. Diplomatic.
And that too to me. I am personaly the most tactless person i have met who cannot for the world pretend something that is not.
i usually try not to get involved unless specificaly asked for an opinion or i usualy soften the blow by mumbling an answer that you probably wont hear in between the tissues and rage or tears or whatever is working for you.
but most times i have been called rude and a snob for telling you how it is.

i can now clearly remember why i was so enthralled with democracy.

ps: of course not paying tax helps in making all this a leeetle better.

My Two Inches Of Ivory

A long time ago, when i met women, thirty five plus women who were childless i would get curious.
i was a kid then. i would wonder why they dint have any, if they chose not to or it didnt happen dint quite work out, so many questions.
There was this one teacher in school. Mrs S. s
she was this very beautiful lady who wore her sarees in a very careless, barely just draped way and she had this whole just out of bed look going for her. ( i dont know how they let her get away with it)
her sarees were always flowery and she had this lovely scent about her.
but her manners! she always left them back at home. she was mostly arrogant and then sometimes sarcastic, she taught English and made fun of pronounciations.
if you dint answer she would just stare at you in this "where did you come from dumbfuck" way.
and considering it was english one would wonder how hard it could be. trust me, she made it quite awful, even for me who loved the classes.
then one day, someone came up with a theory of how Mrs S.s did not have kids, which was why she was such a monster.
and soon anything she did became " yeah she doesnt have kids so she is mean" and then it got worse.
we were growing up and sex was getting to be discussed with details and gory details involved.
girl friends were having dreams of the "one eyed snake" as it got to be known after julia roberts did her share to help us girls with subtle references.
too much giggling for the girls and too much hormones for those icky boys who as far as i was concerned were simply being a pain.
for some odd reason i liked this lady and so one day when after one of her famous outbursts she left, some boy declared how " her husband must not be giving it to her well" supplemented by " no wonder she doesnt have kids" completely got to me.
i remember being so upset. after that i would always smile at her and she would nod.

The reason why i said all this is just that i worry about kids.
i worry that it might not happen for me. its this very wrenching thought that i constantly shy away from.
i remember watching Mrs s.s with smaller kids. to see if she would react any different.
a little nicer perhaps.
maybe, when no one was looking.
i worry in my little paranoid sleepless moments that i might become a bitter 40 plus woman.
i am not saying that all of us get like that. some of us choose the way it is.
but.
i know me. i know how il behave.
and i dont want that.
i want to look up Mrs S.s sometime.

3 a.m scribbles

Sleep Deprived
Black Tea addicted
Paranoid, woman watching Desperate Housewives of all things to calm her down.
( not even cheer her up)
Just calm her down.

say hello to me.

Everything under the Sun

To begin with, after all my effort and d bois's contribution my article is called "ok" and my swot analysis is termed " decent effort considering it was a tough assignment"
i say nothing.
of course am the nobody and am also attention craving so my expectation levels are probably sky high.
but i shall from now empathise whole heartedly with anyone who talks about hard work not paying off, from now.
and ps: i was sick and working.
ugh.

secondly,
i have always been warned that appearances can be very very deceptive. i have nodded my head and grumbled "of course of course"
but i never learn my lesson. so lets re wind a little.
there was a boy in college. lets call him eH
he was sort of interesting, he spoke well, looked not so bad and dressed decently and came from my part of the world.
after a couple of random conversations i secretly considered playing cupid and hooking one of my gf"s up with him, this btw is one of my biggest faults.
i am always trying to play cupid with disastrous results.
anyhow. it never happened was the bottomline and i forgot about it.
and then.
yesterday i had this looong conversation with him on gtalk where i finally wondered about my judging skills and couldnt praise the lord enough for having saved my friend and thus me from a pretty terrible match that i could have made happen.

he was terribly silly, had a penchant for using lines like a) groovy! which reminded of hugh grants chaddi wearing roommate from notting hill
b) he drinks brandy with slice and he had the audacity to blame brandy for making him push his head into the closet
c) to my question of how do you commute? he said : i shall get me a pair of tryes soon.
excuse me? but who is this guy?
am i being to harsh? and wait for it.
he is alone in my hometown so i offered to put him through my friend who would take him around and basically get him going, she is btw a christian.
to which he says
1. are you trying to convert me?
me: err,no she will show you around!!
2. oh you mean like a guide
me: blink. blink.
3. to answer his question of what is my favorite drink, i say whiskey and soda he replies
"bad bad girl"
i somehow suddenly saw him as the wolf from little red riding hood and to say that reading that whole conversation only made me laugh harder is putting it mildly.
i should listen to my friends more and yes, appearances are deceptive.

ps: he said he is a formal guy till you get to know him with "naughty ideas" in the back of his head
who talks like this!!

moving on.
Thirdly,
Today will be spend in bed, nursing the cold and drinking soup, obsessively checking gmail for updates from the big man.
i have three books to pick from:
A Wild sheep chase by Murakami
Dress your family in coudroy and denim by David Sedaris : A Gift from the boi.
or re read The Plague by camus.
And the best part i have still two episodes left of Greys Anatomy, which is completely making my day.
i already feel better.