i hate hate going back and pondering on old relationships.
in fact i dont anymore.
and it really isnt so pleasant. though i have managed to stay friends with most of them, some definitely still hate me, inspite of me, readily putting forward my best smile and "lets be friends" look.
some i know, for fact, have exaggerated stories about my small petty meanness, proportioned to entirely something else, so that people who just know me as a name, think the worst about me
none of this really counts or even matters
except that teeny weeny thought, wriggles up and shakes it self and clears throat and goes "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"
now that is what i hate.
i wasnt thinking. allright.
i was busy moving. great speed. less judgement.more obvious. less hassles. more willing.less effort
i desperately needed to be told on a pretty constant basis how important i was and how much i was loved.
reciprocration was a different deal though
and the ones who said it less, or i felt, feels less, was left fr more ardent, complicated men.
which inevitably leads you where?
into complicated muddles from where i could peacefuly ,comfortably grumble "what is wrong with me,why am i with you?" and feel utterly happy and yes a little disgusted,(but that s only when am wasted)
some of these men i assure you were really nice guys. they had no issues. they had no visible faults and even when i tried digging in deep in to the so called psyche to see the mess, they came up ok
which was in fact the issue
i couldnt possibly be with someone with no faults.
i cant tell you how much time i have wasted doing this totally wasted task.
now and then i hear about them here and there. they are with different people, some i know, some not. most of them are happy. some of them still call.
and then there are some who are not so happy. who have messed up big time.
and then when i re wind, am glad that i have moved on, just in time, to do this re winding.
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