Sexing the cherry

Something completely irrelevant reminded me of sex.not the fact that its abysmally absent in my current situation. you know how being married automaticaly translates to active sex lives? at least the first few years! but its not to be and that wasnt even my point.
this is more like reminiscing the past for one last time. maybe then it wont matter once and for all.

there is most definitely more to it than just good sex and bad. no matter how much i tried i could never understand sex how some people described as just in the moment.
two people having fun? and to go and call it as play with each others body was absolutely revolting to me. i had attached so many romantic illusions and idealistic thoughts to it. simply said- put it up on a pedestal.that was the person i was so so long ago.

and then i met someone. there are these really low points in life where you are willing to give up anything if only someone would understand, add young to it. that is where i was. honestly looking back i see that i completely missed the point,or maybe that too was meant to be.
but in any case this person is till date the biggest jerk, the one thought which when comes up i panick all over again and i need all the time in the world to bring me back. in a way its sad. this effect after all these years,but i honestly dont think its him per se. its more the incidents and all the humiliation.

it has a way of making me dig deeper and painfully remember every single detail.
this person, i find it hard to say he/ a name or anything to acknowledge him as someone i knew, was much older to me which i obviously dint know then.
he was sort of seeing an ex friend and i was seeing someone else. i dont know till date how it happened that i even considered him. he was absolutely a horror to look at. terribly fat. no degree just a lot of money. no taste in anything, extremely uncouth. it wouldnt be fair to say i dint notice all that, i did too.
but sometimes i think how it happened is that i just stopped thinking.
my house was falling apart for a million reasons, someone i loved tons suicided and i just needed to be distracted. this is honestly what i think happened.
the first time this person and i kissed it was raining outside and the ex friend called. and i remember not feeling guilty at all.

perhaps that was it. i had no feelings whatsoever. in fact i told this friend whatever happened and she gave me the finger. i dint remotely mind. now that i think about it.i dont recognise this me. if today i hurt any of my friends i would be at their door begging. or maybe she mattered less.
anyway, so thats how it started.
i was in first year college this person would pick me up after class drive me around a bit make out. god its so hard to say this.
you know how virginity isnt that big a deal now. i mean you have it intact, great! you dont, thats fine too. but the underlying bit about who you first consider good enough for you, that matters.
for me,it dint. i am not sure how that happened cos the girl that i was till school ended was one who looked shocked when she discovered her two friends make out.who thought she would "wait". so am not sure how or when i changed. or maybe i dint. maybe i just did not notice.

the first time it happened i was at his place and he asked me if it was ok! to begin with what kind of question is that. i was drunk enough to say yeah sure.
do you know what the problem is..i dint care enough to mind. it was my body and i dint care.
trust me it makes me feel sick. i dont remember most of it but by the time i came out of it and went home to my parents with not the slightest twinge of guilt and sat having dinner with them. all i thought was hey this morning i was in the other category and now am in the non-virgin set. i was all of 17.

its sad really. i mean how much do you know at 17 anyway.i got drunk and stoned with him n number of times since then and now he had the added advantage of "come one we already did it" to which i think nodded and said something and agreed.
my friend her boyfriend and we double dated. he cheated. i want to say on me. but somehow i dont want to be a part of that. i was ok with that too. i know he was using me.time and again.but you know it never occured to me then. if sex is two people together then it was most definetely not that for me. i remember saying no a couple of time but inevitably i would get drunk and not bother with the lines..i cannot even imagine that happening to me today,i cant beleive i let someone wait for me to pass out most times. it wasnt all that. i pretended to like it, cos then i would be held and cuddled afterwards. anything at all for that.

there is a hell lot more. its enough to say i woke up finally and got my act together at some sad point. i made friends who mattered and till date are with me.
i had company and i found hobbies.
this person dumped me one day. i asked him why and he said he was getting engaged.
i ran into them time and again. i saw the ring on his finger.
the young me was so crushed. i know i wouldnt have made it without p and my sister.
i took such a long time getting over. you think rebound is one? i think the rebound men were in numbers that i need more than fingers to count.
i am not proud of any of this. i could have handled it differently. i know today i could have.
there is so much to say and i cant. but all am leaving with is am a much better person today. of course i would do things differently given a choice but since thats not to be il put this away as what makes me the person i am today.
i am good.

ps: on an even brighter note. it was really bad sex.
pps: sexing the cherry is a brilliant book by jean winterson.