So before I forget and it has been already a while let me write it all down. On Jan 15th I caught an upper respiratory track infection and began to feel terrible. Instead of going to our regular obgyn that day we headed to L&D. I wasnt comfortable at all keeping baby in a feverish body and we were at 39 weeks and change so I was hoping they would induce me, but they refused saying unnecessary. I had huge arguments and fights with A during this time because it began to feel like he wasn't on my side and also I suppose all sort of last minute hormones. The fights- I wont get into. Anyway we headed back and I spent a miserable Thursday and Friday on no meds just cough syrup. I kept trying not to worry but I was this big ball of gigantic doubts about all the possible consequences to baby from my fever. I know they said its a strain of flu that does pretty much nothing and that the amniotic fluid will keep her fine but every worry I didn't dwell on for 9months ended up in this one fear. On Saturday morning the contractions began but I wasnt too sure since i had already had a false alarm. Soon we could time it to about five minutes apart which is some sort of standard since they say head down to the hospital then. But really if there is one thing that is true about labor it is that there are no standards. So five minutes apart and quite strong which I thought must mean I am far along. At the hospital however they said 3.5cms. The resident said he would move me to my room which was a tad surprising since they usually need about 5. And true enough he came back with " My attending thinks you should hang on a bit more here."
So we hung on and once I reached a 4 they send me to the room. By now oh-the-pain! The epidural team arrived. I have bad resident luck and to be honest out of everything that happened this is what makes me the most mad. The attending began guiding this resident girl to do the epidural and then they began their checking using ice. Here, there they would poke and go, here? feel it here? and I did. She had obviously shot it. Then it didnt occur to me how dangerous this could have been for me but now in clarity I cringe to think of it. They were like we will do it again and they went on this very merry oh-she is-such-a sport line and the resident was so meek. The attending dude got it right the second time and my one advise to all pregnant women: get the epidural.
Then we continued with people shoving hands up to check dilation. This gets easier btw. Soon the hands don't feel invasive and there is no pain at all. By midnight I was a 6, 6 and a half. Then we got stuck here forever. By morning I was at 8 and then nothing at all.
By morning even the epidural couldn't help me and soon around eight on Sunday morning I began to get the feeling this wouldn't happen for me. It had already been a good 24 hours and I began to beg for a c-sec. Again here is where I was so mad at A. It was like he couldnt even hear what I was saying and I could only say it in between bouts of pain. Morning brought this new shift nurse who is the one I should really slap. She said to me, no c-sec, you don't need it. And she began to guide me. The baby was stuck behind the pelvic bone. She brought a crow bar kind of thing, a bar basically and installed it above my bed. The idea being that I could sit on all fours like an Indian closet and try pushing. This is all btw for that glorious 10 cms which finally with the bar and her towel technique ( don't even ask) I achieved. Then I pushed and pushed till 10. I begged and begged for a c-sec and the scariest part was it was like I was invisible and no one could hear me, the way they were all dismissing me. Intuition told me it wouldn't happen but no one would let me give up. I felt so much dislike for A who was the only other person who could have stopped it. I told him too, later. I have never felt that much anger toward him in our life together as then. His reasoning being that the baby's head/hair showed and he figured only a little longer.
By ten the attending doctor, this beastly woman, but really my savior came in and checked and said that we need to stop since I was swelling up badly and the pushing had gone for too long. The nurse was so short with me post that. She wouldn't meet my eyes or respond to my questions. When the folks came to take me to surgery I could hear her ask repeatedly if she could first go have lunch.
Meanwhile throughout night everything that could have gone wrong had gone wrong too. My only straw of hope ( not being dramatic) was that baby's heartbeat despite ALL THIS was strong. She is such a strong girl, I can't believe none of this troubled her. During night they couldn't tell apart my heartbeat and hers so they asked to insert a tube into you know where that attaches itself to the top of her head. In my state I began to cry and asked what the tube end was made of and they said metal. It sounded terrible to me and here is where I disliked A again. Instead of asking with me what it was or at least consoling me he says all smug that its fine. I kept refusing and they send an Indian resident to talk to me. Cos you know, that should do it.
Then I had asked A to remind me to keep peeing but he forgot. That's the one simple thing I asked and he couldn't remember that and he says some stupid excuse. So they had to put in a catheter. This hurt like a fucking ton. I remember crying in so much pain. So soon I had like three tubes going in all possible places.
You know what is odd? That I can actually remember this without panic.
The surgery people did all their work fast. I was to be awake and A would be there too. I could see him on the phone telling people. At this point I felt a little sorry for him. He looked so distressed and pained and sad everything tired.
It was chilly and cold and the anesthesiologist said that's normal. A reaction to the drug. I had only one point to focus on and that was the baby's heartbeat. So when they turned it off I asked why and this guy says, because we don't care. Nice bedside manners.
I think I shot him the dirtiest meanest look I have given anyone. He ventured to explain that it didn't matter because they couldn't go any faster than how much they could go so no point being distracted apparently.
Then A was there in his blue robe and they began. I only felt pressure and could hear people speak and suddenly there was the most lusty, angry cry and she was out. I asked A what she looked like and he said, like me :) which made me smile since throughout pregnancy he had worried she would look like him and that was a bad thing because his face on a girl...
And now he sounded so proud, so eager. I saw her immediately and she was so focused. I know what they say but this one was so alert and she looked right at me and I held at her and passed out.
When I woke up they brought her. She doesn't look too new-borny. She has perfect skin with wrinkles only on her hands and feet. She was 8 pounds and I wasn't scared at all of holding her. I thought I would be terrified. She has a small beautiful nose and a pair of bright eyes-like A says. She has straight hair and lots of it.
At first breast feeding was a challenge. Not because of her, she is a hard worker, eager to suckle. Just boobage hurt because I wasn't holding her right but we have picked it up. Now its actually pleasant feeding her. Something we both enjoy and its also somehow calming. Not at 3 in the morning, no.
Trauma 2 began soon enough.
Remember my appendectomy trauma? Ok if you don't basically a few days after surgery then I began throwing up with the worst gas pain ever. We thought it was because we had eaten unhealthy after surgery. Indigestible items. So this time we were extra careful. All I had was rice and vegetables. Yet down to the day it began. Non stop puking and nausea. This time I couldn't feel sorrier for A. He was such a headless chicken, so helpless. Back to the hospital and of course as usual no one has a diagnosis or a cure. Except to strip me of all solids and put me on an IV and keep me flushed. They gave me pain meds when I begged- Il say that. The pain wasn't as bad as last time though. I lost all my pregnancy weight and more with 3 days on an IV.
The pain disappeared like last time on day 4.
They seem to think its a delayed reaction to the anesthetic. Meanwhile my poor daughter was on formula and I was so scared she wouldn't latch on again. The lactation consultants kept visiting me urging me to pump. Everyone has an agenda, as my uncle said.
Yeah A's uncle and aunt were here to see the baby and poor man like last time got stuck with me this time too. He is such an amazing man though. I hope I can some day do something for him. He stayed in the hospital with me, chatting and keeping me distracted so that A could have a break. Aunt fell sick with both a cough and an eye infection.
Pregnancy advise 2: Never EVER deliver in winter especially Chicago and especially not during a polar vortex. Unless you are a sucker for punishment.
I am so sad that I didn't get to spend any time with them. They changed their tix to keep us company and help us out and despite that I couldn't hang out with them. And aunt couldn't be with chotta either. This has been the most miserable winter ever.
Well, that is the end of the story.
Baby is doing great though. She makes funny funny faces, poops well, eats heartily and promptly falls asleep. Keeps us up at night. Screams during diaper changes although that is beginning to change. I still cant change her clothes, its A's dept. He is a great father. He picked everything up fast. He also has a knack of keeping her calm and he wakes at night to help. I don't resent our labor struggle much though; we talked about it and I can see some of his points now and plus we have bigger battles anyway to look forward to.
So.. I am a mom! :)
Its not too bad.
Her name is Vishva, born on January 19th 11.57.
So we hung on and once I reached a 4 they send me to the room. By now oh-the-pain! The epidural team arrived. I have bad resident luck and to be honest out of everything that happened this is what makes me the most mad. The attending began guiding this resident girl to do the epidural and then they began their checking using ice. Here, there they would poke and go, here? feel it here? and I did. She had obviously shot it. Then it didnt occur to me how dangerous this could have been for me but now in clarity I cringe to think of it. They were like we will do it again and they went on this very merry oh-she is-such-a sport line and the resident was so meek. The attending dude got it right the second time and my one advise to all pregnant women: get the epidural.
Then we continued with people shoving hands up to check dilation. This gets easier btw. Soon the hands don't feel invasive and there is no pain at all. By midnight I was a 6, 6 and a half. Then we got stuck here forever. By morning I was at 8 and then nothing at all.
By morning even the epidural couldn't help me and soon around eight on Sunday morning I began to get the feeling this wouldn't happen for me. It had already been a good 24 hours and I began to beg for a c-sec. Again here is where I was so mad at A. It was like he couldnt even hear what I was saying and I could only say it in between bouts of pain. Morning brought this new shift nurse who is the one I should really slap. She said to me, no c-sec, you don't need it. And she began to guide me. The baby was stuck behind the pelvic bone. She brought a crow bar kind of thing, a bar basically and installed it above my bed. The idea being that I could sit on all fours like an Indian closet and try pushing. This is all btw for that glorious 10 cms which finally with the bar and her towel technique ( don't even ask) I achieved. Then I pushed and pushed till 10. I begged and begged for a c-sec and the scariest part was it was like I was invisible and no one could hear me, the way they were all dismissing me. Intuition told me it wouldn't happen but no one would let me give up. I felt so much dislike for A who was the only other person who could have stopped it. I told him too, later. I have never felt that much anger toward him in our life together as then. His reasoning being that the baby's head/hair showed and he figured only a little longer.
By ten the attending doctor, this beastly woman, but really my savior came in and checked and said that we need to stop since I was swelling up badly and the pushing had gone for too long. The nurse was so short with me post that. She wouldn't meet my eyes or respond to my questions. When the folks came to take me to surgery I could hear her ask repeatedly if she could first go have lunch.
Meanwhile throughout night everything that could have gone wrong had gone wrong too. My only straw of hope ( not being dramatic) was that baby's heartbeat despite ALL THIS was strong. She is such a strong girl, I can't believe none of this troubled her. During night they couldn't tell apart my heartbeat and hers so they asked to insert a tube into you know where that attaches itself to the top of her head. In my state I began to cry and asked what the tube end was made of and they said metal. It sounded terrible to me and here is where I disliked A again. Instead of asking with me what it was or at least consoling me he says all smug that its fine. I kept refusing and they send an Indian resident to talk to me. Cos you know, that should do it.
Then I had asked A to remind me to keep peeing but he forgot. That's the one simple thing I asked and he couldn't remember that and he says some stupid excuse. So they had to put in a catheter. This hurt like a fucking ton. I remember crying in so much pain. So soon I had like three tubes going in all possible places.
You know what is odd? That I can actually remember this without panic.
The surgery people did all their work fast. I was to be awake and A would be there too. I could see him on the phone telling people. At this point I felt a little sorry for him. He looked so distressed and pained and sad everything tired.
It was chilly and cold and the anesthesiologist said that's normal. A reaction to the drug. I had only one point to focus on and that was the baby's heartbeat. So when they turned it off I asked why and this guy says, because we don't care. Nice bedside manners.
I think I shot him the dirtiest meanest look I have given anyone. He ventured to explain that it didn't matter because they couldn't go any faster than how much they could go so no point being distracted apparently.
Then A was there in his blue robe and they began. I only felt pressure and could hear people speak and suddenly there was the most lusty, angry cry and she was out. I asked A what she looked like and he said, like me :) which made me smile since throughout pregnancy he had worried she would look like him and that was a bad thing because his face on a girl...
And now he sounded so proud, so eager. I saw her immediately and she was so focused. I know what they say but this one was so alert and she looked right at me and I held at her and passed out.
When I woke up they brought her. She doesn't look too new-borny. She has perfect skin with wrinkles only on her hands and feet. She was 8 pounds and I wasn't scared at all of holding her. I thought I would be terrified. She has a small beautiful nose and a pair of bright eyes-like A says. She has straight hair and lots of it.
At first breast feeding was a challenge. Not because of her, she is a hard worker, eager to suckle. Just boobage hurt because I wasn't holding her right but we have picked it up. Now its actually pleasant feeding her. Something we both enjoy and its also somehow calming. Not at 3 in the morning, no.
Trauma 2 began soon enough.
Remember my appendectomy trauma? Ok if you don't basically a few days after surgery then I began throwing up with the worst gas pain ever. We thought it was because we had eaten unhealthy after surgery. Indigestible items. So this time we were extra careful. All I had was rice and vegetables. Yet down to the day it began. Non stop puking and nausea. This time I couldn't feel sorrier for A. He was such a headless chicken, so helpless. Back to the hospital and of course as usual no one has a diagnosis or a cure. Except to strip me of all solids and put me on an IV and keep me flushed. They gave me pain meds when I begged- Il say that. The pain wasn't as bad as last time though. I lost all my pregnancy weight and more with 3 days on an IV.
The pain disappeared like last time on day 4.
They seem to think its a delayed reaction to the anesthetic. Meanwhile my poor daughter was on formula and I was so scared she wouldn't latch on again. The lactation consultants kept visiting me urging me to pump. Everyone has an agenda, as my uncle said.
Yeah A's uncle and aunt were here to see the baby and poor man like last time got stuck with me this time too. He is such an amazing man though. I hope I can some day do something for him. He stayed in the hospital with me, chatting and keeping me distracted so that A could have a break. Aunt fell sick with both a cough and an eye infection.
Pregnancy advise 2: Never EVER deliver in winter especially Chicago and especially not during a polar vortex. Unless you are a sucker for punishment.
I am so sad that I didn't get to spend any time with them. They changed their tix to keep us company and help us out and despite that I couldn't hang out with them. And aunt couldn't be with chotta either. This has been the most miserable winter ever.
Well, that is the end of the story.
Baby is doing great though. She makes funny funny faces, poops well, eats heartily and promptly falls asleep. Keeps us up at night. Screams during diaper changes although that is beginning to change. I still cant change her clothes, its A's dept. He is a great father. He picked everything up fast. He also has a knack of keeping her calm and he wakes at night to help. I don't resent our labor struggle much though; we talked about it and I can see some of his points now and plus we have bigger battles anyway to look forward to.
So.. I am a mom! :)
Its not too bad.
Her name is Vishva, born on January 19th 11.57.
9 comments:
Ahem. 12.46 pm
I'm not even sure if you mean for this blog to be for public consumption, but I've been a reader for very long now, and even though you're a totallll stranger, I am just bizarrely super happy for you and i winced at all your pain and i grinned when i read baby is doing well.
Many many congratulations to you, and may god bless your lovely family! :)
Thank you! This is so sweet!
Congrats darling! I'm glad things seem to be settling down now, even though the birth process wasn't all you might have wished.
I'm always happy when I read birth stories, because I think it really helps women get a varied and realistic idea of what might happen. It rarely goes according to plan.
@Bride: Thanks! Yeah I am glad I didn't have any birth plans per se! Just glad its all over!
Congratulations! I chanced upon your blog long time ago through P and I am a regular reader. Your entries are very realistic, entertaining to read and w/o a pretense. Been following up on your pregnancy stories and finally congratulations on being a mom.
@Anonymous: Thanks a lot!!
Congrats!! :)
we'll have a story to tell in August :)
Apo congrats are in order! :)
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