I have had this feeling before almost a decade and change ago & even though time has passed and I have *almost forgotten that panic like feeling, that face feeling like its covered with a wet cloth, its there, easily recoverable apparently. At that time I went about destroying everything and it felt good. Like if I kept pushing and pushing myself through and pushing people and I had enough distractions and I wouldn't have to deal just then. Maybe later..
It feels like I might need a little help after all. Even though I see nothing wrong with getting help there was a small part that gloated, "look how well you are doing despite everything, life is so good, you solved everything, you fixed and you climbed and you made it out."
The strange thing is I feel perfectly fine outward. I look at myself from a distance, like watching me at the bus stop for e.g, waiting. So normal, so put together. I go to meetings, present things. My boss says how fantastic I am, I feel valued, I make money, buy things, I work out. I make book lists, pinterest, hunt for houses, add clothes, bowls, pizza cutter to a shopping cart, read to her, I am cooking. I am planning. I am okay.
& during all that this wet cloth feeling pops up and I feel the struggle to get past it.
I saw this show, Wanderlust. There is a therapist in there who said something to the character played by Toni Collette that made sense. One way you dealt with grief is by creating little problems for yourself. In my case, back then, massive problems. These problems helped you cope. You could focus on that issue and eventually you would forget the actual problem. At some point of course you would have to deal but that is then.
Recently I read the following line: It would break your child's heart to hear anyone speak to their mommy the way you speak to yourself daily.
& I thought- I need help.
Maybe this is my later.
It feels like I might need a little help after all. Even though I see nothing wrong with getting help there was a small part that gloated, "look how well you are doing despite everything, life is so good, you solved everything, you fixed and you climbed and you made it out."
The strange thing is I feel perfectly fine outward. I look at myself from a distance, like watching me at the bus stop for e.g, waiting. So normal, so put together. I go to meetings, present things. My boss says how fantastic I am, I feel valued, I make money, buy things, I work out. I make book lists, pinterest, hunt for houses, add clothes, bowls, pizza cutter to a shopping cart, read to her, I am cooking. I am planning. I am okay.
& during all that this wet cloth feeling pops up and I feel the struggle to get past it.
I saw this show, Wanderlust. There is a therapist in there who said something to the character played by Toni Collette that made sense. One way you dealt with grief is by creating little problems for yourself. In my case, back then, massive problems. These problems helped you cope. You could focus on that issue and eventually you would forget the actual problem. At some point of course you would have to deal but that is then.
Recently I read the following line: It would break your child's heart to hear anyone speak to their mommy the way you speak to yourself daily.
& I thought- I need help.
Maybe this is my later.
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