Afterthoughts and Aftermaths

I am still in the place from where its easy to look back. where i am still able to say "yesterday this time" or "last week this day" we were here,there,doing this,that.
and that brings the warmth that i hope to stay under for as long as i can.
but soon that too will slip away from me. as hard as i try and hold on,il forget your face,its lines and frowns.
i will only be able to recollect how your eyes go small,crinkle up and your crows feet.

its no joke. nothing corny or romantic about it. i turn over at night and the hand that meets emptiness,curls up into a fist and then the twists and turns leave me nowhere.

in a very hopeless silly way i wish we hadnt let tiring smiles and done for days get in between us. i wish i hadnt stopped kissing and said goodnights. i wish i hadnt turned away from the crook of your arm and gone into my favorite sleep position.
"no fair" you thought. i guess i shouldnt have ignored when you even told me this, that this was your small piece of heaven.

i feel bad about the smallest things. like some things i told you which i am sure you brushed away and yet felt bad about. i knew and knew not.
pretensions we agreed wouldnt help,so we stuck to blatant honesty. painful.

we are great together. we can have in peace our share of silences.but today,just today i wish we hadnt. i wish we had stayed up and talked.
you remember just those two days of lunch, where we drank old monk and maybe it was that,or maybe the craving to know husbands and wives at different ages,we talked of tuition teachers,of girlfriends,made up,of marks low and failures small.

This is hard. i cant find a word to describe how hard. this constant tearing up and fighting it,is hard.
i have spaces in my head,mind and body where i look for your words,bites and affection.
i know you will be back and maybe this too i shall get used to. but in the process,i am finding it so hard to bring me back from each small journeys i make in my head.
i am worried il go back to being that person who finds phone conversations uncomfortable,who has nothing to say to you. and you,in your need to be the husband i want will not push it.
i hope we dont fall prey to perfection and the need to be mirror images.

i am muttering its ok in my head. till it rings and reverberates oddly.i hope its ok.