Eyes are reels

You know how when you are small and something scares you, you think if you close your eyes really tight,and sit for a while,then when you open them again,it might have changed.
i used to do that,for small things. someone told me they did it in the dark which i dint understand,maybe cos dark never scared me.
i did it when flunked for the first time,by then i wasnt that small,still.vain hopes,perhaps? but the red line stayed on. a teaser.
since then,till date i do it. and sometimes if i try really hard,i can almost pretend that whatever happened,it dint happen to me.
that there was this another girl,this silly goose who made all these choices and then looked on dazed as it all came falling apart around.

you see there is a vast amount of difference between pain that is actually physical and the ones that are just in your head.which is why i hate that phrase "the pain was almost physical" whoever you are saying it, screw you.

the one that is both,a potent mixture of individual doses they tear you apart,literally.
and as you sit there amidst glances of disapproval and coarse women who shove you around,you have nowhere to look except close your eyes really tight.
you hope that when you open them, the noises would have gone. the comments,glances every goddamned frigging questioning looks would have disappeared and that you are back in bed,preferably curled up,oblivious.

but then of course if it worked like that,well. i wish that was my superpower.

today, am better. i can think about it without really thinking about it.like caress the surface waters. before i land in murky depths i have someone to catch me. who tells me "its ok to go off on my own,but to come back cos he will be waiting"
my saving point. see i have a comeback too.