Distances

One of my closest friends,one i secretly loved perhaps a little more than the rest. always lost to pretension, it would never strike her the darker side of things.
so willing to consider the best in people, never judgemental except perhaps if you really push her buttons, always a 4 am friend.
some of these traits in her i often would be able to only see as items likely to be reasons for her pitfalls, many of these i saw. point out i could not, unlike my other friends where i could be more myself, which is to say scream hoarse and let it be known what exactly i thought.
with her though, i had to be careful and when all else fails and reason has to be seen,i swoop in. i couldnt break any of those dreams, walk on eggshells,move around it stealthily and suddenly creep on her and number the points and then add my more gentle tones, a few endearing words and then work around her. show her the obvious and then sit back and agree with her as she steers around and repeats them after you.
All this i know sounds very negative,makes me sound like a fakester, one with all plans and plots
I wont say its all for the best because many a time even when my thoughts of best and hers dint match i dropped mine and went with hers.
because i cant always be on eggshells. i cant always be positive.

The thing is any error of judgement on her part, any flaw, anything i find particularly hurtful there is nothing much to be done. because everyone would just say its all imagination on my part, that am being overly dramatic about something barely is.
but how else can i explain? this time i am not finding it in me to reconnect, to remake the effort,
retry
regain
i just cant seem to. i love this word "handpicked for exclusion", p's contribution.
which is what i was and unlike my fights and disagreements with the rest this is something more hurtful. for a long time i couldnt place a finger on why or what i did and then it finaly occurs to me,i did nothing.
i usually do and so i assumed. but i did not. each time i called i was met with lapses and gaps and uncomfortable pauses. but i dont give up that easily, not the today me, not after everything
so i try again and again and again. i cant stand the oddness, and my voice sounds too bright, i ask her if she has heard the latest bollywood nonsense, my sentences barely make sense.
but the silences and the need to talk anything is just too much,i have to say something.

All this was fine, i could take it, not everyone is in the best of moods always, and i was told that its mostly me,my head, my notions. i assumed that to be true,that she barely knew what i was thinking, that this oddness, this fabricated uncomfortableness called our friendship was all me.
which is why when i finally hear from her, that yes she is aware it hasnt been all good, that yes she knew about this awkardness that i am now somehow not able to handle it anymore.

I always think of her as someone unable to distinguish between reality and technqiues, not naive,just a simple person with simple thoughts and issues, which is probably why i loved her most. that was my opposite, i with my complications and contradictions was new to this.
It annoys me beyond beleif that she dint make an effort to sort it, that she thought it trivial enough to just let go and it annoys me cos i dont know why she picked me to be excluded. I know for a fact that she would not survive not talking to the rest two for more than a week or two maybe.
But if me,me and her was so small and unimportant then i guess its not really in me either, that retry,regain..

And for once i did nothing wrong. and that is the biggest consolation and yes i miss her,much much.
But if there is say a point, a line a vague thought, one that you dont cross, then this is probably it.
How completely,utterly sad..