All said and done, I don't think I am fat. And I don't think I have any right to claim that title. Earlier I never used to think twice about saying," Oh, man, I am so fat!" and so on. Most of the times I said it, it was out of guilt. Because either I would have had something really fattening: a big burger, fries and shake or a ton of rice and curry or something. But then I know a few people now who are definitely fat and leaning toward obesity and when I hear about their daily struggles: the sniggers they get and the looks on buses, trains, and the way people around them assume that they are naturally dumb because fat is equated to laziness and being a couch bum.
Next to that, I am definitely not fat.
This is not to say that whatever feeling from moment to moment is inconsequential. Just that reality is always relative. My issues are when I don't fit into size M, I do fit just not well. And I hate feeling like my back is bulging so I always get size L which is a source of momentary sadness.
Now that I have started going to the gym again, its like: good lord, I can feel my arms and legs. or rather the terrible pain from the weights. The main problem and basically only problem is a thorough lack of control with food. By the time I get back from the gym my head is spinning and I crave sugar. So yesterday I made myself sit quietly for a few minutes and then ate cabbage soup. But then it also makes me so sad. It seems silly, I am sure. But to not eat what I want is like ten on ten torture.
Like I wish I had the kind of metabolism that allows everything and yet stays thin. I don't even want thin, I just want health. And right now, I am not healthy. No, sir. I can't run for more than half a mile. I pant if I climb four flights of stairs. When I do run I can feel my 'jowls' move. Not even face or skin but jowls is the only thing it can be called.
With age it seems more and more difficult to shed weight faster. For e.g once I used to put on fat only on my stomach but now it's definitely moving on to arms and face. and those are so difficult to let go. I have no particular image issues. I look fine, maybe on a good day, pretty. But I have extreme fears of diseases and I definitely sense that if I don't put in some rules and regulations now, I am going to suffer soon.
But for now: I HAVE ARMS THAT I CAN FEEL.
Next to that, I am definitely not fat.
This is not to say that whatever feeling from moment to moment is inconsequential. Just that reality is always relative. My issues are when I don't fit into size M, I do fit just not well. And I hate feeling like my back is bulging so I always get size L which is a source of momentary sadness.
Now that I have started going to the gym again, its like: good lord, I can feel my arms and legs. or rather the terrible pain from the weights. The main problem and basically only problem is a thorough lack of control with food. By the time I get back from the gym my head is spinning and I crave sugar. So yesterday I made myself sit quietly for a few minutes and then ate cabbage soup. But then it also makes me so sad. It seems silly, I am sure. But to not eat what I want is like ten on ten torture.
Like I wish I had the kind of metabolism that allows everything and yet stays thin. I don't even want thin, I just want health. And right now, I am not healthy. No, sir. I can't run for more than half a mile. I pant if I climb four flights of stairs. When I do run I can feel my 'jowls' move. Not even face or skin but jowls is the only thing it can be called.
With age it seems more and more difficult to shed weight faster. For e.g once I used to put on fat only on my stomach but now it's definitely moving on to arms and face. and those are so difficult to let go. I have no particular image issues. I look fine, maybe on a good day, pretty. But I have extreme fears of diseases and I definitely sense that if I don't put in some rules and regulations now, I am going to suffer soon.
But for now: I HAVE ARMS THAT I CAN FEEL.
2 comments:
I want to be Shani too. To eat anything I want and never worry about my weight. Sigh..
I am exactly you. The sugar cravings, the fat and health fearing. All that. Without the gorgeous hair...
For the face, chew gum. After every meal. It works brilliantly - good exercise for the jaw AND improves digestion and hence fat burn.
Shani! That lucky boy!
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