It is what it is.

If my thought process was completely screwd up, twisted and out of this world,that would be so good! lets say for eg that i decide i dont want to live a day beyond forty and the day that happens i shall just decide to end it all.
fourty seems reasonable? a life time enough to do everything and just about when all consequences of actions so far will present itself in diseases,regrets and fingers pointed my way..but what can you do at most to a dead woman. if i really go by the dead rules then no one will even comment on the way wardness, there could be a likely digging deep to find something, anything remotely decent that i did.
so in short, maybe, my blunders could be masked in a few things that i did, which may have helped someone.

Now the real point is, if i did decide to not live more, then lets see what i would do till 40.
to begin with i wouldnt get married, for obvious reasons. and for other reasons.
i would date a million guys in the quest for ultimate perfection, i would kiss every other guy who catches my fancy,without any qualms about my conscience not letting me sleep. i wouldnt bother counting the number of people i slept with and as the number goes up,feel that slight panic rise.
well apart from the carnal indulgences and moral deliberations there is so much more.

i wouldnt adopt as is my current plan, cos obviously by the time am ready to get into the grave he/she will be just about in their late teens,no fair.
so what will we do? we shall sponsor a little girl,open a bank account and have her study till she wants, buy things she has always seen and then looked away. have her give in to little little happinesses.

i would go rent that little room in darjeeling,anything that faces the kanchenjunga mountains. i would write that one book, take all the time in the world, experiment with the n number of recipes that i have torn and accumulated over the years in my blue file. i would drink whiskey and listen to cohen and billy joel for company,and when its dusk il light a lamp in front of my little wood carved deities and pray without folding my hands. talk rather of the day,i would spare me the convinience of a mobile phone.i would walk around naked in my compact apartment.
i would have someone over, just for the night,not for cuddles later, just for the simple pleasure that is sex and not see him again. not have him call me ever, and have to not make any explanations or exceptions to the said rule.

I could work in any place that pays me enough to save a little,i could work for 3 years and quit and go to vietnam,korea and cambodia.i could be part of volunteer programs and still see places.
there will african safaris,there will be spain where by then i would have finally mastered the spanish langauge that once gave me so much trouble.
i would keep black leather bound diaries that would speak of my tiresome waits in airports,of the many quirks of many strangers, the hugs and parting of some, and the joyous welcome for yet some others.
i would eat things that i cant pronounce without asking what it is, and then once am done il find out to be duly shocked at the idea of what marsupial i just ate.
i would have photographs for company, stories from people i meet on a train.

and when the wanderer in me needs a break,id come home,to my parents who are obviously in denial or disappoinment. i would be glad they dont know the worst is just in store. no point having someone else live their life as an afterthought of my rash supposedly harsh decisions.

i would let love be as elusive as its said to be. i would crave for it,at some lowest low,but never give in, for you see it is what it is. this was my choice, and 40 is here all too soon.
i wouldnt want to leave, but yet i would,neverthless.