Somethings are best said..out aloud

My house when i was a kid or growing up, was not quite the bright shiny place you would want to rush back from school to. It was the kinda place where fights were laced with heavy alcoholic stupors and when crying became so normal that everyone thought it weird when impassiveness set in. Where lights wouldn't be switched on sometimes even after dark and i wasn't sure if i should because what if. just what if, lights were the problem.
But i would like to think that i turned out okay. Of course there are a zillion insecure moments and a zillion unresolved fights but at some point i learned to push it all back and focus. keep a one track mind on the current. it was hard but it did happen.

Some children, Boi for eg grew up protected. I am sure there are cons for that too but i had the other extreme. I had no one asking whats that now? you flunked really?

okay i made that one up, i never flunked till like college. But i lied. I lied so much that it was hard to stop. i made up so many random stories to friends and thus losing them all. i have not one single childhood school friend.

My imagination was on a roll, i tell you. At one point, i told my "gang" that "Hey guess what, a robber entered our house last night and i, I, Tackled him. The police said they are probably going to give me a bravery medal"

That was probably when they had enough and kicked me out. In retrospect it was ridiculous. what was i thinking? clearly, i wasnt.

The lying became a habit one that i have had to work on really hard, and i mean really really hard. like harder than quitting smoking,Yeah,now you know.
In the many relationships that eventually happened i continued to lie. simple stuff,really. Like if i dint pick up a call and they asked me where i was. I could say- i was sleeping. But no, i was at a movie, I was gardening.
I was biting my hair out.
You get the idea. No one really figured for a while. And then one guy. He saw through it,or literally saw me do it. I was standing outside the coffee shop because they wouldnt let me smoke inside and wiggling eyebrows at general Mallu public when he calls,i pick up and

He says" Hey,arent we supposed to meet up.."
Me: Oh i have an afternoon class,just on my way back"
Him: Really
Me: yeah! these stupid Nuns.
Him: I can see you. I am on the other side of the road. Turn.
Me: I hung up
Well.

We broke up. The lying stopped one day. I wont tell you why or how. Because its hard. maybe later. with the boi, i told him early on.My need to be thoroughly honest,Mainly because if i start i wouldn't be able to stop and boi, poor boi, has had to deal with many a crappy situation.

One of the good things that came out from the whole childhood lie spree was Tanuja. When i got kicked out from the group,ugh, i started spending all my free time in the library. Tanuja would always be there. One day she said " do you want to be friends"
Me: Why..
Her: i know you dont have any
Me: That is true.

Tanuja went on to become my closest friend till i moved schools and even later. but then like most of the rest i lost touch with her too.
She was one of the bright spots back then. I should look her up..